A group of friends where I called family of mine

Last Friday night, its Ivan birthday, happy birthday Ivan. Our cell group has a small surprise party for him. Before that, there is another celebration for him too on Thursday night. The pictures that attached is what happened on last Thursday.He has a small cute cheese cake and we have a wonderful time being together.
Later on, our cell group also bought him an American chocolate cake.
We took some crazy picture then we had our dinner in KFC. It’s weird to celebrate people birthday in KFC because that reminds us when we were back in our hometown where we don’t have many choices to make about where to dine-in, and we end up celebrating in KFC. Well, normally KL will not have such a problem for us to find places to celebrate people’s birthday but as for Ivan, he is a special one.

We have wonderful time in KFC. The photos shows the reaction of every one of them when they eat KFC. Start with the birthday boy, a guy that I love to be with. From his reaction, we can tell that it means, “KFC!!! I like it man”. Follow up with a dear friend of mine (Danny) who care for me a lot and I care for him a lot too. His reaction can tell us that, “Man, the KFC new one is so spicy that I barely catch my breath”. Theordo is the one that stare at nothing while he keeps on chewing his stuff in his mouth. He is a funny guy that bring us many laughter although he is a foreigner among us (which means he is from other cell group)

As for Ah Hon, he gets crazy when come to chicken so, he just bites his chicken while I took this photo. Hihihihihi…. The next one is me. Well, I am always the normal one. Hahaha…that love KFC and loves being with the people that I love. My dear cell leader, I love her a lot. She is so cute and you can tell from the picture. When I said that I want to take picture, she covers up her face with two fingers and yet, I still show it in my space. Denise, this girl freak out when she saw Danny took a lot of KFC. She is always a small kid in Ivan’s perspective. Hahahaha….

Chee Leong, a funny guy with many facial expression and can make the whole cell group alive. He is cool. I guess, from his face he wants to tell us that, “Hey, don’t you dare take my KFC I tell you”. Siew May, she is pretty and caring. She will smile very automatically when the camera is pointing at her. So, she just smile while she is drinking.

Oh no…I’ve left Pui Yee and Winny picture. Sorry dear… Will replace it back to both of you when we go KFC again. Ok? Pui Yee is adorable. A wonderful friend that will always love and support each other. Winny is a cool girl that came from Indonesia. She’ll be going back to Indonesia soon. For sure, I’ll miss her a lot. She can play and joke with me crazily while people around us thought that we are discussing serious stuff.

A gang of friend that I called them my family. Hanging around with them makes me feel warm. Each of them bring a lot of laughter, color up my life and support me when my life is full of storm and thunder. I love every one of them a lot and I do appreciate every one of them. All these while, I knew that friends are very important but I never truly understand it. I mean, literally I know they are very important but my heart seems don’t really understand it. But now, after things that happened in my life, I started to see things differently, view matters in different perspective and love people around me sincerely and truly.

Life is full of trials and struggle. I’ve move on with my life trying and learning not to look back and regret. I will still look back to remind myself to be a better person today and even better the day after today. Life is wonderful again when you wake up from a nightmare. Life is fantastic again when we choose to let go and get help. I am happy again for being who I am and getting to know more people around me. To love and accept them as whom they are and have fun together. Thank you for your support and prayer. Thank you for loving and caring me. It’s priceless. I love you guys.

Satisfy easily?

On Tuesday night, my dear housemate bought me a belt out of no reason. And out of no reason, I was so happy about my new belt. All these while, I really need a belt because my pants are getting loose and a few steps I walked, I have to pull my pant up then a few steps I walked, I’ll do that again. It’s annoying. I really need a belt but unfortunately, this month for my financially budget is over my expectation. Without any idea, I have to save up a bit in order for me to manage to go through until end of this month.

I started to ask myself. Am I that easy to satisfy? Only one new belt that bought by my housemate, can make my whole night brighter. Easy to satisfy, good thing or bad thing?

Human being sometimes can be satisfied easily and sometimes it’s difficult to meet the needs. It’s also back to the definition of satisfy that everyone has in their dictionary. People will always says, satisfy easily will get happiness. Some people says, satisfy too easily will have no standard or requirement for living. After all, it’s all in the mind. It’s actually a mind game. If God is in control, then lets play this game with full of faith and trust in Him. It’s a fun game.

No regret

Just now, I drop by my friend blog and read about his thought. He was talking about happiness and regret. It make me pause a while and think. What he mention in his blog is kind of depressing but it’s the fact. Well, the truth always hurt if you notice it. Most of the time, we choose to listen to something good but that “something good” doesn’t mean it’s true. It just end up that, the truth always hurt. Every time I have a discussion with my housemate, when she don’t agree with my perspective, she will said, she speak the truth with love. Arghh….

These words of his makes me think and I’d thought a lot. Is there anything that I regret of not doing it or had done it? Did I act like an adult when I was just a youth? Or did I act like a kid when I suppose to think like a mature lady? Hmm…. questioning around.

While I keep on wondering, I thought about this dear friend of mine. He studied in Johor, a part time insurance agent and he is a faithful servant of God. When I knew that, I was like….. huh? I have no idea how he do it. He has to maintain his result to be good, serve God in his church (every weekend), part time promoting his stuff (maybe he do his part time job when he is free) and last time, he had to spend time with his girlfriend (now, I think he don’t need to do that) and still have some time to chat with me. Wow…. He is good. [*Freeze awhile and think] Ya, he is good.

When I reflect his life to mine, I felt bad. Let me count my day. Weekdays, from morning to afternoon I’ve been reserved by my company. Monday night, I went to Stephen Tong, Tuesday night… worship practice, Wednesday night…. Prayer meeting, Thursday night…sometimes I watch movie, read books, chat online or accompany my housemate. Followed by Friday night, cell group or cell group activities, Saturday night…service and Sunday night, alpha course. Hmm…actually, I’m still available on Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning and afternoon. Well, honestly speaking, Sunday I will sleep until very late. From there, I lost Sunday morning. As for Saturday noon, the time passes very fast on Saturday. If I have any spare time, normally I will go out to have fun or fellowship with my church friends. I like to hang around with them. It’s comfortable. So, that’s it. My life….

After compare his life and mine, I think I have to go home and sit myself down to reschedule my time plus social time. I should learn more things so that I can get more knowledge and when I talked to him, we got stuff to chat with. Wait, we do have a lot to chat with right now. Never mind.

I have to really think stuff up so that I won’t regret. I’m 22 this year, I should do what a 22 years old girl been doing. Hmm…what a 22 years old girl normally do then?

Congratulation!

Going to friends wedding is always a joy. Witnessing them to getting marry and they start a new story together. It’s such an enjoyment and there are tears of joy in people eyes. When I sit there and witnessing their wedding, I felt so touch. Two persons came from different background, different lifestyle, and different culture and with the grace of God; they able to love each other and spend the rest of their life together till death do them apart. Love is always a great thing, a wonderful thing and a beautiful thing.

Love can tear people’s life apart and can join them back together again. Sometimes, love can be ridiculous but faith, hope and love, the greatest is love. Without love, no matter how good the things we do, it will still have emptiness in us. Love…. This word really tears me apart. But I know God will make me whole ones again. Lord, filled me with you love ones again. For only your love can make us satisfy.

Meaningless

It’s been 24th days. Last Friday, I got back my stuff… and when I look at the camera, my heart broke into pieces. Last time, I wanted to buy the camera so much because I hope that I can capture all “our” moment and keep it until the day is here. Now, the camera only can be own by one person and the picture inside will only have one face.

Slowly, I learn to walk myself instead of God carrying me. I tell myself, it’s time to walk alone. Bleeding has stop, and I just need time for my wound to recover. Pain never left me; I still have to endure this pain. Bit by bit, I have the bravery to walk shopping malls. A lot of memories that came back to me… I can only tell my heart that, it’s over, everything is over, and I’m alone now.

Just now, I also manage to pick myself up and pack up all the stuff. As I look back all the things, there is still a smile on my face. Thinking, how nice it is if the ending is not like this. There are so many promises that are yet to fulfill and everything seems has become rubbish now. Nothing is meaningful, all meaningless.

A person that I used to love the most, care the most, appreciate the most, now has become someone that I don’t want to see, don’t want to know, don’t want to care about. It’s weird…so weird. From stranger we become friends, from friends we become best friend and from best friend we become couple that wished to spend the rest of our life together. And yet, now everything is useless. Everything is meaningless. From that moment, a couple has turn into a stranger, sometimes even worst than stranger. Last time, I can’t wait to see him, now every time I saw him; I felt that there is a knife pierce into my heart. The closer he is, the more difficult I catch my breath. I felt weird. Trying so hard to ask myself to not to act this way, but I just can’t stop the way I acted.

From this point of time, there are still thought inside my mind trying to get the answer. What I’ve done wrong that we have to end this way? 7th years… 7th years of sweet and pain, we grow together, we change together, and we fight for certain thing together, encourage each other, taking care of each other but now…everything is meaningless. MEANINGLESS. People beside me told me that this is no one fault. I know… but I just couldn’t….. I can only wish that I can get well soon. Lord, please heal me. I’m broken and lost…

Fade away...

Every time I took up a pen and wrote the date of the day, I felt happy. I told myself, it’s another day again; it’s another new day. I hope that everyday can pass little bit faster that I able to get recover soon.

It’s been two weeks, feeling start to grow weaker, everything started to get back their temperature and I’ve started to get use to it being who I am again. Slowly, I get the courage to face everyday, to face everything. Although the pain is still there but I know, slowly I will be getting better and better.

Facing life everyday is like a challenge. Trying so hard to discipline myself, to discipline my emotion. Learn to give thanks in the midst of suffering. But I am glad that through this journey, I learn a lot of things. God grace is really sufficient for me. Every trial that I go through is something that I can bear and I can handle it. I realize that people surround me care about me, feel sorry for me, and some even weep together with me. Many people get shock, then feel sorry and then, they went speechless because don’t know what to said to me. When I get such an expression, I felt it’s funny because almost most of my friend also gave me such an expression.

Some of my friends called from Sabah when they got the news to make sure I am ok. I felt blessed. Although I lost someone that used to mean a lot to me but I still have people that love and care about me surround me to care for me. I’m move and there are tears in my eyes which show that I appreciate their care and love. Thank you so much friends for your care, love and prayer. Although just a short phone call or just a short message of asking how am I doing, I’m satisfied. At least I know that you care.

I think that many people knew about this, but they choose to remain silent and ask nothing. I want to thank them too, for their understanding. Not asking me anything is really a good choice because if they asked, it only makes me more pain to tell them again.

There are some changes that I have to adapt too. I can only pray to God that asks for His strength and grace. For only God know how pain my heart is. I pray that as day goes by, he can find his comfort too. May God bless both of us. As we live everyday for His glory.

Lord, please guide me through...

When I woke up, the bed is cold
Every street that I walked it seems so cold
Trying so hard to hug myself to make I felt warmer
But no matter how I tried
The empty and cold side is still in me

Looking at the mirror everyday
Found that I get thinner and thinner each day
I willing to do anything if I know I can keep this
Tried all my best and yet we end up this way

Wondering why love can be so fragile
Feeling can easily come and go
That can end up just like this
Where is true love then?

Trying so hard to sleep in this cold bed
Trying so hard to stop my mind
But my heart still in so much pain
That I have to cry myself to sleep

Crying to God
Seeking for His love
Asking Him, what else can I do?
Where are You when I need You?

Lord here I am
Use me as I pray
I know nothing about my future
But I know I’ll grow stronger each day

Oh Lord, please carry me through
Its so pain until that I can’t walk
Seeking my God, trying to feel my empty and cold heart
That I can ones again stand up and glorify Him.

For my life is not my own
But He who lives in me
Not my wills
But Yours be done.

It's tough...

Today, 1st of September, a day that I will remember, a day that only times can heal and only time can prove.

Can’t believe that we have to end up this way. For the past 7th years plus, all memories, trials that we’ve been through, everything will fade away and everything will only become the past and another part of history in our brain. Sadness can really lead a person to be so pain until can’t even shed one tear. For the past years, I love like I never love before, I give like I never give before and I care like I never care before.

Sometimes, I have no choices. Same to this situation when come to decision making either to continue or to stop, I have no choices either. For everything that I did, I gave my very best. Every moment that we spend, I appreciate it every second, I enjoy it. Every words and promises that we have made, I’ll remember it. Every love that comes from me is true love and unconditional love.

It’s tough and it is even tougher to imagine my life, my journey, I’ll be alone. I know the Lord is with me. He will carry me through this. For what I can do, I give no regret. What I can give, I give more than I expect.

Lord, today I cried, I know tomorrow I’ll be stronger. Tomorrow I cry, the next day I’ll learn to lean on you more. Lord, please don’t leave me. I know Your ways are higher than mine and your knowledge is higher than mine. I know you’ll give me the best. After all, not my wills, but Yours be done. May I be your glory everyday. May Your grace sufficient for me.

Sometimes…

Sometimes, we expected too much. I expected too much that when a thing doesn’t go the way I want, I get frustrated. Today is my boyfriend birthday, but we celebrated it last night because tonight we have cell group. So, what happened last night was, I planned the whole thing two weeks before yesterday came. Places have decided, budget has prepared, and clothing has been chosen, together with the jewelry and high heel. I get some help from my housemate as well and people opinions about the most romantic places. Everything seems to be good and I prayed too that it would be excited and fun. Before I dress up, I felt so excited and I called my boyfriend asked him what time he will reach here. He answered me with an exhausted tone and kind of like moody tone. I ask him, what have happened? He said nothing, just felt a bit bored and tired.

My mood went down and while I was preparing myself, I keep on praying and beg God that He can give us a wonderful time and quality to spend together. Not long later, we get in the car and our night began. His main requirement was “class” atmosphere, so I suggested him to drive to Mount Kiara and have a look. So, we drove there. That place was nice but pack with cars and people. We can’t find one empty space to park our car. Nonetheless, we decided to go to Bangsar and dine in there. Seems like things doesn’t come the way we expected. We got trap inside the jam for hours and we got lost. Boiling water keeps coming out from him and me. Both of us have a small quarrel and we cool down for hours as well in the middle of the jam.

At last, we end up in pizza hut. Can you imagine me wearing evening gown and my high heel and jewelry everything, dine in pizza hut. I’m not saying pizza hut is bad, the food was nice just that I never expected myself wearing like this eating in pizza hut. I get frustrated and I don’t have the appetite to eat anymore.

Both of us didn’t talk, and the atmosphere is cold. Everything seems to be cold. To make the whole thing short, I make a deal with him. If he dares to do my requirement, I’ll follow his car home. If he dare not, then I’ll stay there as long as I want. He struggle and struggle, at last he did it and I manage to come home safely.

From the whole night of this so-called “celebrating birthday” is really terrible. Get stuck in the jam, got quarrel with your most love, eat fast food and have to do sometimes that is so hard and it take hours to decided. This is not what I expected nor I pray for. When we were in the cold war that time, my mind can go so negative until one stage that I maybe I should just stop this journey. Even my boyfriend has the same thought as me.

Sometimes, what we want doesn’t mean what we’ll get but God know us best and he will give what is the best for us. From last night, my boyfriend and I do learn things about us. Everyone is stubborn and that is true, stubborn with standing too strong in your point is a bad thing. I learn that, pride can destroy relationship too. When come to the one that you love the most, sometimes we forgot how to appreciate one another and forgot about each other kindness. Last night, I choose to keep myself silent and he keeps quiet too. So, both of us have a “silent competition”. You don’t want to talk, fine by me. I don’t talk too. When we reach pizza, I don’t eat and he didn’t eat too. So, we have another “not eating” competition. The stubborn inside of us keep on going and going together with the pride that compete a win and lose game. Sooner or later, we have a confrontation but things become worst. If both of us don’t humble down and apologize, I think we’ll end up walking our own ways than still holding hands and walk together.

Stubborn could destroy, and this is so true. To humble down and tear down the pride is tough. But, if each couple also wants to win, then many will end up regretting and heart broken. I didn’t pray for this, but I get this. I can choose to think that God is ridiculous, but I choose to learn from the whole thing and turn this to an understanding process. After all, it all depends on how we want it to be.

Finally, would like to say Happy Birthday to my most love. May God continue to be the centre of this relationship and may death do us part.

It still hurt…

It’s already half past one in the morning. I can’t believe that my mind still wandering around…..positive, negative, all in one mind. Another few more hours, I’ll need to pack up and start my new day again. Tears non-stop dropping down from my creek. Trying so hard to stop my mind so that I can stop my tears too but things just couldn’t be like what I wanted to. As my period is coming soon, hormone change and my mood also swing like nobody business. At the same time, I can have the feeling of happy and sad. Wondering is this still normal?

Can’t believe that this process takes so long and it’s tougher than I imagine. The past has came back to haunted me. There’s nothing else I can do but to sit myself down and pray. I pray that I can feel comfort and have courage to continue this journey.

After wiping all my tears, feel that my shoulder is lighter. Security is still not here, but I’ll learn to have it more when time comes. I have to learn to let go, to trust God and to continue to have faith. It’s tough but I know that I’ll be ok. I choose to be ok… for God Grace is sufficient for me. It’s another journey of life.

Time tick fast...

Early this morning, my dear best friend gave me a phone call to wake me up. She told me that she’ll be coming back slightly earlier because they cancel their Sydney trip and decided to come back for another event that going to be held in Terrenganu. After that, I told her that, now only mid of August, still long way to go. Then she replied me saying, left 3 months only, I will back to the place where I belong. So, our conversation ended with me going to washroom to clean up myself and to prepare to work and she continue with her work there.

Meanwhile in the office, I start to work like what I normally did. I started to realize that days past so fast when I wrote today’s date. I was like, Oh My… today already 16th of August. All these while, I knew that time tick fast and day pass by like rocket. Today, I suddenly got shock that time past really fast and faster than I can imagine. I still remember how heart broken I was when my best friend left me and further her studies overseas. Those days seems like just last month thing but another 3 months, I’ll be meeting with her and she’ll be coming back.

With a shock feeling inside me, I told my colleague that, Wow…time past really fast. It’s already August and sooner or later, we will have to welcome another new year. As I though about this myself, what have I learn for this 8 months. Every beginning of the year, the passion of doing the new year resolution lists will be very excited and can’t wait to start all over my life again with all these new year resolution. Until today, when I look back, can’t totally remember what was my New Year resolution already.

Some of my New Year resolution for this year bought forward from last year. So, will my life just be like this? Only bringing forward whatever New Year resolution that I can’t achieve last year and pray that by grace and mercy, I able to achieve it this year? Still not slim enough like what I expected, still can’t able to save $2500 by end of this month, still don’t have a strong enough faith to trust God.

I do have some breakthrough this year like, I can drive now, I conduct a dance class, I learn to swim, I learn to let go certain things, I give building fund more than I expected and my relationship is getting into another level. Hmm… I still learn things that I planned too but I just think that is not good enough.

There will be another 3 and a half month left for this year, I really hope that I can learn things far more than I imagine, far more than I expect and far more than I required. Lord, this will still be my prayer from the early of this year till end of this year. If you can use anything, You can use me. Here I am.

Choices

Actually, I wanted to write about this topic for quite some time but I just couldn’t find some time to drop down what it’s in my mind. Hmm…. I’ve been stopping to write things in my blog for quite a short while. I should bring this habit back to my life then. All these while, been busying doing my own things and being lazy as I normally used to.

Well, it’s still not too late to come back and put the updated thing about my space in where it should belong. Choices… sometimes, we can clarify that we have too many choices while sometimes; we could said that actually, we don’t have any choices. I still remembered that before I made up my mind to start a dance class, my elder leader ask me, do you have faith in your product? I answered him… Not really but because I have no choices. If I don’t start the dance class, I might not get what I really want in the end. So by faith, I just start a class without asking or doubting much about my product but to trust God that He will handle everything.

It is so true that when come to choices, sometimes, we have too much and sometimes we have no choices. There is certain times, I will think that God said that He gives us free will choices, but when come to certain thing, we don’t have any choices at all because to follow His ways, is the best choices. The playful heart that inside me will struggle and have battle within myself either to follow my own desire or to follow God’s desire. Every now and then, we should learn to let go and let God. But, this will always be a tough lesson because of our own desire and the wild us inside of us. To train the inside to be tame is to train our inside greater than our outside. After all, it’s like teaching a lion to be like a dog. It could be this tough.

Nevertheless, is also about how we interpret the word “Choices” when come to different situation. Everyday, we have to made choices, what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what to do. All these are about choices. If we made one wrong decision, we will lose the only one opportunity in the lifetime, we might have to bear the feeling of regret or guilt maybe for the rest of our life. But, it we made a correct decision, we won’t feel sorry for ourselves. When come to decision, everyone will scratch their head and try to take the right choices.

If we made a wrong decision, maybe we still can remain optimistic and take the challenge as, trial bring us stronger. At least, we won’t lose the hope but continue to be happy and encouraging.

Dance for God's Kingdom

Currently I’m busy for the preparation of the dance class. Wow, I can’t imagine that 29 persons register so far. That was a good response. I really Thank God that He guide me through this. All these while, was actually worrying about no one having such an interest to learn how to dance. After all, God is always good. He opens ways when there is no ways.

When the topic dancing come to my mind, I try to flash back the first day I dance for the Lord. The picture inside my head was not that clear but I remember the first time I dance, it on Christmas day when I was around 8 years old. From then, I start the gain the interest in dancing and serving God with my body movement. It is always fun when a group of people, gather together in one place, to practice and to have serious fun together.

Last time when we dance, we have a close group which contains 6 persons. After graduate from high school, we have our own life and we walk our own ways. After a while, now I’m alone leading another team people that use their body movement to glorify God.

To flash back on our own history is always something interesting. I grew up from a small kids that love dancing, to now… a girl that still dance for the Lord. I do pray that, I could continue to dance for God, until my last day in this earth. Although age might be a problem, but I just pray that, the Lord my strength.

Girls’ talk, Girls’ night

For the past two weeks, I’ve been spending most of my time talking and chatting with my friends. Not only talking, but eating, and have a wonderful time to fellowship with one another and taking cute picture of each others. Weight started to gain back, money gone faster and faster. What to do, to have good friendship, sometimes we have to give up certain things. I spent most of my time with friend from other building, friend from other country that came back for holiday, friend that leave with me, and friends in my church.

As the conversation goes, I start to realize something different. Everyone came out from a different background, different lifestyle and even different point of view and culture. Some of them are so “China” type. Can be called a typical Chinese girl that follows the Chinese culture and principle. Some came from an open-minded family, with little bit of western point of view but holding Asian principle.

But when come to one point, everyone is the same. We are sinner and the best thing a sinner can do is to sin against God. Every human being tried very hard to find someone out there to support in their point of view in order for them to continue with their life. Wrong or right, we do need someone to support us with the same perspective. If one person did something so terrible, he/she will find friends that use to be in the same situation that will understand them and will support them by saying, “this is not your fault, it’s the society fault” or “yes, you are right, they should understand your situation”, all these kinds of word to affirm he/she. And with that word of affirmation, the person will felt that there is someone behind his/her back to support him/her.

Like what I use to say and always said, everything comes with good and bad. But sometimes, we just like to lie to ourselves saying that everything will be ok when things seems to be not ok. Other thought will come out, "after all, not I’m the one who make a mistake on my first step". When judgment comes, all human kind will start to blame. Blame everyone, everything, anything and anywhere but not himself/herself. All these kind of sinful act are human natures. Human natures are bad, evil and wicked. When we used to be a kid, we don’t need anyone to teach us to be greed, selfish, jealous with our siblings when parents’ attention is not on us, and to lie to mom and dad. But all these kinds of thought came very automatically and very fast. Don't even need to go to a school to learn all these kind of stuff.

Most of the people agreed that, every one of us has an angel and a demon inside of us. It depends on which one we tame it. If we use to train up to be an evil person, naturally the angel inside of us will become smaller and smaller each day. If we taught to be a kind-hearted person when we still a baby, our growing habit will be fine. To always kill our own desire and to submit our desire to God is never an easy stuff to do. That’s why we need God. Only when we fear God, the obedience side of us will have appeared on the surface of us. Lord, teach me to fear you more than man.

My Cell Group

It is also my commitment and my close friend, a gang of friends where I can share my joy, my burden, my sorrow and my tears with them. I’ve been in this cell group for almost 4 years plus and we are really like family. Everyone in this cell group shares their life, share how God bless them, how God take care of them and how God change their life. It’s such a joy when we play around, gather together in some place and have fun together.

Last Friday, we have an ice-breaker just like usual before we start the praise and worship. The game that we played was quite simple but the punishment was cool. The one that lose have to act the most terrible face when he/she die. And this is the picture. It’s cute and everyone laugh until we all get stomach pain. The ice was totally broke by all the laughter.

This cell group of mine really guides me through pain and suffering. When I've go through it, they will rejoice it with all their heart. People said, true friends are difficult to find, and that is true. Nevertheless, because of God’s grace, I am blessed with kind and sincere friends beside me to encourage, to support, to love and to accept who we are. People come and go, but true friends leave foot print in our heart. Although many members of us have left us and continue their life in other places, but we will always be friends. For true friends keep in our heart. Life is great with friends, but life is even greater with God.

At last....

I can sit down and spend some time to blog. I’ve been busying for the whole week but when you ask me, what am I busying, I just couldn’t think of. Maybe… busying accompanies my friends, chatting, watching movie, and so on.

First thing first, I would like to greet a dear friend of mine Happy Belated Birthday. May her wish come true and continue to be faithful in the journey to God’s Kingdom. Her birthday was actually felt on the 17th of June, last Saturday and I couldn’t be with her that day. In return, our cell group celebrates her birthday on 16th of June midnight to give her a surprise. She was shock and she looks cute when she got shock. Hahahaha.

This dear friend of mine, she is actually a good friend of a best friend of mine. They get to know each other in a University called Lim Kok Wing. She is an emotion girl but this girl, also a kind girl with a pretty face and matures thinking. It’s fun to be a friend of hers to share our joy and sorrow. After all, it’s a blessing from above.


Last weekend, I spent my days going to a so called “company trip” that organized by my lady boss. I don’t really have much fun there because it sort of like a forcing trip. Not to say force in such a bad word. Let me search my thesaurus to find a better word. Maybe I should use the word not so willing to go trip. It is still fun but if I go with someone else, it will be more excited. I learn to see God’s creation and it really amazed me.



Early morning on that Sunday, I woke up 7 am and to prepare myself to have a walk and chat with God meanwhile I took some picture. I joke with God saying that, Wah… God, you are really great. Such an ugly tree you also could create…. I laugh myself (with a sound of clapping hand in my heart to feel impress).




Every good and bad, pretty and ugly, no matter it’s a tree or a circumstances, there is a reason. So, I took the picture of this ugly tree and post it here. On the same day I came back from Cameron because the journey is long, I have a long chat with my colleague. We start to have different agreement with our belief system but we do respect each other believe. Then I started to think, he said that I am stubborn and I admit that I am in certain area. I told him that in negative way, I am stubborn but in positive way, I choose to hold on to my principle.


It’s quite true some times that we should hold on to our own thinking and principle some times than letting other people to change our mind set. I believe that, if we able to hold strong to ours believes, then we able to lift God up high. After all, we just want to impact peoples life and to show them that we are different and we have hope.

15.06.2006 (Thursday)

I will remember this day so much because this is the day that I start to see things that I don’t use to understand last time and it became clearer, a prayer that I’ve been praying for 2 years have been answered by God. My heart is felt with joy and mixture feeling.

God has blessed me with a new hand phone. The model of the phone is Z520i and that is a beautiful mobile. I like it so much and I felt so blessed because God really have his ways and he is indeed a God that hear our prayer and know our needs. Last time, I pray to God that saying I really need a mobile phone because all these while, the phone that I am using doesn’t belong to me. I wish to have a mobile that belong to me and my requirement are so low. I told God that I don’t need any mp3 player, camera, or special features but it able to let me do my sms and calling will do.

God knows our need and he blesses me out of my expectation. God is a good God. Again, it reminds me that God is a faithful God for He is my provider, my Lord and my all.

In additional, my best girlfriend has came back from Australia for holiday. Although she pass by here only for 6 days and we spend not much time with each other, but every time we are together, trying to update each other with the latest information, we do spent quality time together and it bring us closer again to each other.

For four month about the lesson of letting go, it is still tough and I’m learning. She shared what she has learn in a different culture country and I share what I’ve learn while she wasn’t by my side. It’s good that we have a wonderful time together, to talk, to nag, to listen and to be with one another. Ya, it’s true, seasons have been change but the loves remain the same for God is in the centre of us. It reminds me again, I am so blesses and I am such a blessed girl.

Stubborn could destroy our life?

Hmmm… It’s been another two weeks that I didn’t update my blog. Thinking so much that what should I put in my blog everyday and at last, I got something to post today. this past two weeks, I keep on wondering around what should I write about and everything seems to be calm and steady. Maybe I run out of idea because my focus is in watching drama series. Hmm… this could be the reason too…

Anyway, life is great and life is a gift. Life should be great isn’t it? But why some people just couldn’t enjoy life while they seem to have everything? These two weeks, my days are just like a routine for me. Everyday I wake up, is a new day, I Thank God for this new day and the routine start with going to work, came back from work, trying to find myself some entertainment and that’s it, another new day will be coming right after that. A lot of them out there will think that what is the meaning of life? Is it only live, get old, sick and die? I’ll always say that everything comes with good and bad, so do life, characters and behavior.

Some of people surround me; they lost half century of their time and opportunity in their life just because of one word, stubborn. Or could I say weakness? I do agree with the idea of some of our weakness can turn into our strength and it could go the other way round too. But if we are not smart enough, thing will remain the same no matter how we try to twice it up.

Just because they are stubborn, some of them are not marrying yet even though the age has reach 40 ++. I was wondering, is that worth? Because of your stubbornness or you stand too strong in your point of view that you have to end up alone when your age are getting higher and higher each year. Sometimes, when these kinds of issue appear, as a ordinary human being, we will try to blame other people. Blame God, blame people, and blame anything that they could blame of. It’s everyone fault and but not his/her fault.

Yes, it’s hard for us to humble down and to admit that when we have fault but if we never put down ourselves, we will never learn how wonderful life it is. Every now and then, we just hold things too tight. If we can just let go a bit, to surrender it to God, it will be another picture that we never expect it. There are so much more out there, then why don’t we let go some of our principle life, put down ourselves? We could see a clearer picture.

Happy Anniversary~

It’s another year for us to celebrate our time of being together for 7 years. 7 years, for some people it is a long years as for me, I think it’s my 7 years of joy, of growing up, understanding, trust, love and a lot more. We’ve been through, every season together. A season that we suffer when we have to wake up 5 something in the morning to catch the earliest bus, the season of missing each other when we are depart from each other, a season that both of us face financially crisis on how we help one another in order to continue to survive and all kinds of seasons in life.

When time tick every minute, the more we understand the meaning of being together. Sometimes, we do take things lightly and we forgot about how important our relationship is. We start to have our own busy and our own things to play with. Relationship could go down and the feeling could just fly away when couple takes things for granted.

As I celebrate our 7th year anniversary today, something bring to my mind that, what make it so special about this day? Every year the same, same person to celebrate with, same day and even same activities that is just go out and have a little bit more expensive dinner compare to normal days. Presents and surprises are no longer exist, romance are even further. Then, what is the meaning of celebrating it again?

When two people from different background, different lifestyle and different culture get to know one another is really a gift from God. The world is so big, and yet we still able to become friends and from friends we further our relationship to best friends and now we are couple. It’s a gift from God; it’s our fate that draws each other together. We able to share our personal thing, our life and our heart. To have the same feeling of love for one another, to go through the journey of life together, to share each other burden, to help when one is fall is a miracle. I pray that when my anniversary comes every year, I could celebrate it with full of excitement and a heart of thanksgiving for what I have. I pray that I won’t be a vase for him and he won’t be my photo fame. Lord, although it’s been 7 years, but You are faithful, guide us and help us to love each other deeper when a new day come again.

God is faithful

Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord! I am free now, I have victory now. At last, I manage to pass my study and to move on with my life. It’s really an overwhelming joy that God pour down on me when I get to know my result. I shed tears of joy because for all these years, God is faithful. I truly understand the meaning of God is faithful. I tried all sort of ways just to get a pass for my studies. Whatever kinds of ways that you able to name it, I’ve already tried. My surrounding people pain for me as I go through this alone. But when I tell them that I’ve pass at last, some of them weep together with me because of the joy and victory from God. God is faithful and He is really faithful. For all these year, no matter what happen, I blame Him for not letting things to go the way I want it to be. God remain faithful, accept and love me for who am I.

If my life without God, I won’t be who I am today. From the whole process, I have to admit that sometimes, life is not about the result but it’s about the process. How we success is more important for the reason that through that process I learn to have a bigger faith and trust in God, learn that God is faithful and to remain strong and courage in the kingdom of God. It’s not easy to go through the whole course of remaining strong in God but God is there and He is with us.

Today, when I look back it reminds me, how weak am I and how strong God is to lead me though all the hardship and suffering. From time to time, I thought that I am the one that remain strong, but in reality I am nobody if without God. It’s another sign for me that I should keep on moving with my life and with my dreams for the Lord is with me.

Not my will, but Yours be Done!

It is a blessed weekend. I went to the Koinonia Camp that organized by my church. It was a great and fun camp with all these sense of humor people that I meet. I do enjoy a lot in that camp and I’ve learn a lot as well. The message from the speakers have enlarged my territory and set my concept and priority right again. I’ve learned so many things in this camp. Learn that not my will, but Yours be done. To surrender my all again to God without taking back anything but my whole life.

The past is a history and the future is a mystery. Last time, I choose to chase after my future, a heart that want to see my future picture clearer before I make each step of life. But now, I know that my future is in the Lord. I have my past and I use it to give me strength as I go through each new day and I look forward to my future for it will be fun, exciting and amazing. When we walk in a stress that the street light are not provided, we will find all sort of ways to have light so that every place will be clearer. But now, I only have a torch light that only can let me see my next day plan but not the future journey. It’s hard and pain when we have to surrender our all to Him, totally all.

Nonetheless, throughout the camp I have to set back my plans and to continue to have faith in God, to endure hardship and to make my dream come true. For the Lord is faithful, He is with me. I can do this.

Blessed Sunday

Yesterday, it was a wonderful day for me. I woke up 10.30am, settle down my thing and then I took lunch with my friends and boyfriend in SS15. After that, my boyfriend and I went to Power Centre in Damansara to walk around and to have a wonderful date there. We spent a wonderful time together. It’s been such a long time that we didn’t spent such an weekend together, walking around and spending time with one another because all these while, if he is not rushing his assignment, he’ll be rushing other things. It’s such a blessing yesterday that me and my boyfriend can spent the whole day together.

After walked around in Power Centre, we went home and have some nap before we went to Flora’s place for the steamboat to celebrate Chee Leong birthday and farewell Pei San. A lot of foods were prepared. In the beginning, the fellowship were little bit cold but the atmosphere turn to warm when every one of us try to have a fun time together.


After the warm dinner, we all continue to enjoy the night with playing snooker in club 7. the boys and Pei San play snooker while the girls were also having our fun playing a girl games called photo hunt. When I reach home, it’s 12.30 midnight. Wow, what a wonderful day I had. I spent the whole day with my boyfriend and my cell members.

I will miss a dear sister of mine. She is a very cute and funny person. But now, she has to further her future in another place. I’ll miss her so much. It’s weird to have this feeling again that people are leaving. No matter where we are, no matter we like it or not, people come and people go but they will always leave foot print in our heart. If we have the fate, we might meet again one day if not, we’ll have to meet again when we reach heaven. Isn’t good, that we still can meet when we reach to eternal life?

Be grateful and live simple

Last Friday, I get to know that I got a second increment. Praise the Lord!!!~~ I got my first increment when my company confirmed me and that is a high increment. Although this time my increment are not so high but it is still a blessing from God. Thank God…

Actually the whole department got increment because this is what my lady boss promised to them but not me a few months ago because I just got my increment not long ago that time. My lady purposely freezes their increment and wants the whole department to show her that they can work and they deserve it. So, they don’t get increment in the early of the years where by a lot of department get theirs.

It should be good news but yesterday this good news suddenly turns into bad news. Two of my colleagues are not satisfied with their increment and they try to put negative and discourage words. When I try to turn discourage and negative word into positive, I realize that human nature are selfish. Human will always think about themselves first and will never get satisfy. I get very frustrated in human beings. I though myself, why can’t they live simple, and be grateful for what they have now instead of looking back, complaining, comparing, and discouraging one another? Isn’t that they should encourage one another in order to grow stronger?

Currently, I’ve just finish watching one drama series. I don’t know what title is it because it is written in Chinese but it’s about lawyer. Actually, being a lawyer is tough and it’s stressful. If a faithful Christian is not strong in his/her spiritual foundation, it will be easy for him/her to leave God and to be who he/she wants to be. But if the lawyer is a Godly lawyer, he/she might have self conflict. By the way, this drama series is meaningful. It reminds me again that life is fun, life is full of choices. There is a man in the drama series who is the leader of the family; he said in that movie, I can choice to be a happy and unhealthy person or healthy but unhappy person but as for him, he choice to be a happy and optimistic unhealthy person.

It is true in what he said, people that are rich doesn’t mean that they are happy while people that are poor seems to have more joy although they have worries in their mind. This movie again reminds me to be a positive person. To think positive and to act positive. In every circumstance, good and bad always come together and it is a challenge to keep positive and happy while things go the other way round. In the movie, there is also one part that the daughter quarrels with her mother and talks something harsh about her father. Later, her father heard what their conversation said and the mother asked the father, am I doing the wrong thing? His father didn’t get upset or angry with the daughter but encourage his wife and saying that sometimes, what we gain is what we loss and what we loss might be what we gain. He turn the whole discourage word into a positive and strong word. He said that, if not because he heard it from her daughter, he won’t realize that his wife is such a wonderful person that support him no matter what happen. In another way, he gets the reminder from the argument.

Would it be good if people will get as positive as he? Maybe you can say that most of the movies are to cheat people and to get people into their fantasy world and to relax. But as for me, this movie didn’t bring me into my fantasy world but it takes me back the importance of being an optimistic person. It is so true that, God give us free will choice where by we can choice to be happy, sad, negative or a positive person. To live simple or to live a life with all kinds of requirement and it will never be fulfilling. To be an easy to satisfied person or to be a person that never gets satisfied. Why don’t we leave simple, be grateful and get satisfy easily so that in another way round, we can be a positive and joyful person?

A person without God can be a happy and optimistic person, then a person that walk together with God are supposed to a joyful and full of courage each day to face the journey of life because we have the most important one in our life that is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. What else we want when we already have the Lord?

In people's shoes

Again, it’s been another two weeks that I didn’t drop some line to my blog. Hmmm…what have I been doing this past two weeks? Well, some people will agree if I said that I have short term memory lost because sometimes, I really forgot things too fast. If you ask me, what I wore to work yesterday, I will need 5 minute to think so that I can answer you correctly. But I always told my friend that my brain has less space but it’s actually an excuse. Hihihhi…

Well, let me see. On the second Sunday of May, it’s Mother’s Day. I miss my mom. I called her to greet her Happy Mother’s Day and she was happy. I know she miss us a lot too and she will be happier if we can celebrate Mother’s Day with her. I wish I could, but distance and time that keep us apart. I still remember vividly that when I was a kid, I wish to bring my parents to travel around when have that ability. I’m working now, and yet I can’t fulfill my wish. I only can pray now that God will bless me more, that I can bring my parent to travel around. They work so hard and earn so hard for me, I should do the same for them. Although in term of financially, they didn’t really give me much but they are trying to give me what they can afford and yet it is the best for me. I love them so much and I know that God will take care of them too.

As for the third week of May, I offer myself to help my boyfriend to do one of his documentation report that need to be submit on the coming Thursday and because he use less time to sleep. I do have some idea about the topic that I need to write because previously, I did some research for him as well.

In the beginning, I told him what make you so suffer? Documentation only… is like a piece of cake. Collect all your information, then try to use your own word then compile in it. But when I started to do the report, I realize that things are not as easy as I thought. From there, God want me to learn that, don’t ever judge people when we are not in the situation because we don’t know how stress or how difficult it is for certain people. I have to think about the report for 3 days, sleep late just in order I can finish it on time for him, get stress, get frustrated easily and it’s like a nightmare to me that keep on haunting me although I’m working. I have no idea how he been through this kind of suffering for one whole year. Now, I know how stress he is and I should be more understand his situation instead of wanting him to understand me more. Relationship is really a two ways street. It should come from both sides. Both sides also have to tolerant, understanding, and love each other in return. If only one person love while the other person received, it would be an unhealthy relationship and could cause sad ending.

Blessing from above~

At last, my exams are over… I can breath now because burden no more. Although there are still some, but at least it’s lighter. Hihihihihih…

Last week, I experience a wonderful blessing from God. My cell group blesses me with sponsoring half amount of the coming koinonia camp in our church. I felt so touch and so happy not because of the amount of money that they gave me, but the heart that they have for me. I really feel blessed although I have no idea where to find the other half figure to pay up but I do feel glad and grateful. The Lord is a good God. He knows my need.

Beside that, I also experience God’s love and blessing yesterday. Yesterday, I took half day leave to study because of time consuming. But I didn’t study at home, but I studied in my office because the environments are cold and less entertainment for me to enjoy. So, I thought that I can concentrate more there. While I was studying there, my superior told me that my lady boss will not deduct my half day leave and consider me as working. She allowed me to study there and consider me as working. It’s like giving me a kindness leave. Wah…. I felt so blessed and I thank God for His blessing.

When I look back, although it is only a small thing like small amount of money and only half day leave, but I really felt happy and grateful. Then, I thought myself, am I too easy to satisfy? Another voice in my head told me that easy satisfy people will get happiness in their life. Other than that, I learn that God really know my needs. He know what is the best for me, He know what suit me, and most of all He know me.

If God gave me something more than that, it might destroy my life. I might have pride, abuse God’s word and misuse His grace. I might begin to take things for granted and have the wrong concept of blessing. God is justice and God is always good. From small things like this, I get to know God more and more.

Today I drive myself to Taman Jaya LRT Station so that I can take LRT to college for my exam. It’s also another break through for me because I drive alone to one place that I only been through several times. From driving to Taman Jaya and back from there, I can see how God protect me and He listens to my prayer. Lord, indeed you are a good God. Even through I complained, but God is still here for me. Blessed me.

Thank you!!~~

Yesterday was my birthday. Hmm… how do I feel? I feel old because one year older. The day before my birthday arrive, I celebrated it with my boyfriend. After exam in the afternoon, we went to KL to search for his guitar and then we went home and prepare for my birthday eve dinner with him in Wind Mill. The dinner was great. I took salmon fish with beef steak and serve with vegetable and fries. Weng took salmon fish with lamb steak and serve with vegetable and fries too.







After the fabulous dinner, we went for a movie. That was a great movie. The movie title is, Eight Below. This is a true story and I did learn something from the moral of the story. It is a wonderful movie. I like it.








After that, we went home and the next day, my birthday. My colleague did help me to celebrate. One of the head of department treat us KFC and my colleague bought me a cheese marble cake. It was a delicious cake. At night, I went to church to practice like I normally did. Before we left the church, my housemate plan a surprise party for me with a cake while my cell leader prepare some jelly. t was a surprise because I didn’t really expect one from them. But I feel so thankful and grateful for them. I got a chocolate bitter cake... Don't really know the name of that cake, but it is a pretty cake.











I was trying to cut the cake but because my skills are limited, i decided to let someone else did that for me. I am so thankful for my dear housemate, she is a wonderful girl. For those the whole team, thank you for participating and singing me the birthday song. Thank you for those who remember my birthday. Although only one sms and can’t really meet you guys but that can make my day alright. Thank you Lord for he is good. My cake do look nice.








The Lord is always good. Trying to show me that there are people who care a lot for me and people that love and accept me for who am I. Although my journey might be tough but the Lord shows me that I’ll never be alone. Although I always complain to God that I am so lonely but He show me that He can send people around me just to make my day brighter and to continue to trust Him so that I can continue and be stronger.

Well, this is my day, my 22nd year old birthday. A day that was normal but it did mean a lot. Happy Birthday Me, for the Lord is with me…..

Cry no more, Jump higher...

Last night I learned a wonderful thing from this Easter sermon. The title of it is why you cry?

Pastor use the passage in Gospel of John 20:10-18. This passage shows that Mary Magdalene cried when the body of Christ is not in the tomb. In fact, she shouldn’t cry because she has meet Jesus and He was resurrected. The Lord is Risen... Hallelujah!~~

From this sermon, I got to learn many things. What pastor said, is really the fact. Sometimes, we cry a lot. We cry for no reason, we cry for wrong reason, we just want to cry. Crying is actually a good realize way because through cry, we can set free. But sometimes, we just want to cry and don’t want to stand up again.

The sermon was really a good sermon that pierced into every believe heart. Why we need to cry for our trouble since that Jesus has resurrected? Why we need to cry when Jesus is with us? What else more we need if we already have Jesus? We should stop crying, stand up and move on with our life. To continue to have faith in God, trust Him and give our entire burden to Him for He had risen. We shouldn’t live everyday in our daily life like “Good Friday” never ends. We wept and wept for the all the suffering, all the injustice, all the “Good Friday”.

Sometimes in life, we get use to it no matter faithful believer or new believer. We share our burden; the whole cell group share theirs burden and cause the whole atmosphere went down because we are living in a wicked world. We forgot that the Lord had risen and we have won. We are victorious that we should face everyday as a challenge, learn from our burden and trial to give thanks to God, to learn to be stronger as day pass by, to celebrate as Christ is Risen, our fear no longer are with us. In fact, we should jump around to celebrate and tell the world, that the Lord is Risen. He is Risen from death and we won this war.

Hallelujah!~~

I don’t worth it

Yes indeed, I don’t worth it that Christ dies for me, neither anyone of us worth that. But because of God’s grace, from nobody, we turn ourselves into somebody.

Somebody that matters a lot to God
Somebody that God love a lot
Somebody that we ourselves never expected it
Somebody that no one can step us down
Somebody that are useless become useful
Somebody that has nothing become have everything
Somebody that is special
Somebody that can Glorify God

As I thought about this whole sacrificed thing, I started to wonder why? Wonder why God love us so much, since we are just a terrible sinner? Wonder why Christ chooses this way? Wonder what will happen if we don’t have Good Friday? Wonder how my life will be without Him? Wonder what this world could be if Jesus never chooses to die for us.

As I wonder more, I started to give thanks more. A word thank you can never mean more than that. God is a truly loving, kindness and merciful God, God that gives second chances. Lord, we thank you for your grace. We don’t worth it, but because Jesus dies on the cross for us, we had won the victory. May your name be Praise, May all honor belongs to you.

God is Good~

Time just flies away like that and in one more weeks plus I’ll be having my repeated exams.

It’s been a week didn’t drop down anything to my blog. Well, think that my time is not enough and I don’t really know what to write here. I learn a lot of things this past week. I learn how to face the fact, accept it, forgive, and forget. I learn how merciful, awesome, majestic, and powerful our God is. Most of all, I see how much God love me.

All these while were praying to God that saying I want to feel His love for me. Forgot to pray specifically and end up God show me different thing that out of my expectation. From my previous title, get to know how pain love is. And that is how pain God love me. It’s hard to accept that God love us so much and unconditionally because after all, I don’t worth it. But God remind me that, I means more than anything to Him that He willing to let His son die on the cross for us. Only one word that I can say, Thank You but I need a deeper word than just a Thank You.

Well, after all these crying, worrying and frustrating, it’s again for me to stand up and face reality that I have to take up this faith and trust God in my coming exam. Although stress will still bang on me suddenly, but still able to handle that, still seems to be so impossible, but I choose to make it possible. For with God, all things are possible. Lord, guide me as I Pray. Amen.

Love is pain!

Love… what is love? Every one of us desperate for love and seek for love, like it or not, we have to admit that we need love and we long for that feeling because God made us to long for His love.

Every drama series, movie and even story behind the real life of celebrity got something to do with love. Even though we know the television show is repeating the same thing about love, and yet we will feel glad to sit there with our pop corn and watch that movie.

As I go though my every day life, life seems to be tiring. As you grow older, and your knowledge become wider, there are things you wish you will never know and wish that things will be just like what it is before.

Why I said love is pain because this few days, I really get to understand that love is so pain. Our heavenly Father love for us is pain, our parents love for us is pain, our friends love for us is pain and our partner love for us is pain.

I am in pain and continue to bear this; I have to pay a cost that I couldn’t imagine. It is hard to learn to love like God standard but I will never give up.

Release

After a few days of struggle and having the inside conflict within myself, can said that I am a bit release now from all these suffer feeling.

Last few days, I have a bit conflict with relationship problem. Standing in the middle between to let go or to continue this journey. After a long thought and discuss about this problem, I realize that I couldn’t bear to lose this relationship of mine. Although problem still not totally solve yet but I get to learn what God want me to learn from this problem that I have.

Last few days, God did ask me, why am I so worry about my future and yet insist and want to solve this by my own without prayer? I heard it, but still I told God that I want to be alone right now. Not now….I choose to be the god of my own instead of letting God rules my life.

After yesterday night, I realize that love is pain. No matter what kind of love, it is pain. God’s love for us is pain. If God love is not pain, he won’t let him son die for us on the cross. Because God love us so dearly, that he have to suffer this pain.

He shows me that in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

From this bible verses, I know that this is what I have to learn. Always hope, always trust. To love one person is very easy. But to love him/her unconditionally is very difficult. No matter couple or not couple, our loves always come with a calculator. To count how much love have we offer and how much we should get it back in return so that it is even and fair. I thought that love can be defined with fair or not fair, but I was wrong. God show me that, his love for me is unconditional and why should I count so much about whose love is bigger and fair or not fair?

When come to justice, it always unfair because only true justice will come when God judge us. So why not I do my part to learn to love unconditionally so that when I meet God face to face, at least I bring no regret but honor that I learn and did what He want me to.

I also learn that, the more we want and try to use all our strength to grab one thing, the more we will always lose it. Is like grabbing some sands in your hand. The more you want, the less sand you will get but is we let go and take it softly with both of our hands open up, the more we get.

Humans are like that, when we lost it, then only we know how to cherish it. When we have it in our life, we will never know how much it means to it. I do hope that the decision that I made is right. Although it will be tough, I know… But I know God is there with me too. For His Grace is always sufficient for me.

Another new day? Another old day? Same worry, same struggle...

It is another day again when the sun rise. Last night, I have a bad sleep. I have to beg my mind to rest so that I can have a good sleep. Every weekdays, is like a routine… wake up, to work, back from work then sometimes going church activities, sometimes chat with my dear housemate, then continue with sleep. That day is gone and when you wake up, it’s another day, is another new day and the routine start again.

This few days of mine, struggle within me come non-stop in my mind. Or should I say self conflict? Struggle about which way should I go? When should I start study? Should I study? What should I do? Where am I? What next? What else? Should I let go? Am I lost? Where am I? A lot of struggle, a lot of questions, a lot of emotions, a lot of feeling….

I get tired very easily, and my mood goes down so fast. Now, even stuck here for no reason. Don’t know what to write don’t know what to post and don’t know what to do.

My Day...

Today, my mood is a good. Like usual, every morning our department will have a short briefing. This morning, I conduct the short briefing. Overall is good and my lady boss gave me the comment about my briefing is good too. I’m glad I did the best for God and I’m grateful that God is with me that time.

After a few days of thought and struggle about my job of scope, I started to let go and do my best for God. Try to do all my work like doing it for the sake of God. Indeed, I gain a little bit trust from my lady boss. Around noon time, she asked me to count the OT pay for our office worker. Normally, these kinds of things are private and confidential but she allowed me to do so. I was shock because all these while, no one can do payroll thing or allow knowing other people salary. But she gave me the opportunity to do it. So, I did what I need to.

As I started to count their rest day OT claim, I started to realize that the Lord indeed is very good to me and I am so blessed. I am so blessed with what I have. If I compare to others, my salary are low but as for me, it consider a high pay job because I only have SPM cert and almost one year working experience…. I got this paid. I am so blessed that I can’t stop thanking God for what he has done for me. I am so blessed.

Sometimes, we thought that God had forgotten us, but actually we are wrong. From what I have today, when I turn and look back, I know there is a purpose for me to stand where I am standing now.

When I reach home, I have a short chat with my dear housemate and prepare myself to prayer meeting. The prayer meeting was good and we have a wonderful fellowship there to update with each other what have happened with us last few days.

After the prayer meeting end, I planned to start my study immediately when I reach home. When I reach home, seems that my plan failed again. I sit there and have a long chat with my dear housemate again. We talk about a lot of things and a lot of things have no conclusion because the conclusion is in God’s hand. We discussed about life struggle, love life and market job situation. All these are negative thing that make my mood down again. Seems like my happy moment can easy come and easy go....

Happy Birthday!!!~~~~ Memories...

Today is the birthday of my best friend that is now studying in Australia. Happy Birthday!!~~

I would like to dedicate this day for her. This is the 2nd year that I didn’t spend this day with her. Last year, when she celebrates her 21st birthday, I wasn’t by her side because I was in Sandakan. This year, I can’t spend this day with her too because she went to Australia to further her study.

I did mention about her departure early last month. Hardly believe that she’s been there for a month plus. I miss her so much and I do hope that today, she can have a wonderful day there. Although she’ll be alone and celebrating her big day with less love ones but I would like her to know that, she’ll never be alone. We will all pray for you here, I’ll support you and my shoulder will always here for her when she needs it the most.

As I mention before that we’ve become each other best friends for so many years. Sometimes, I do take her for granted. I would like to apologize for that. I still remember that when we were small kids, we use to call each other almost everyday. Our parents will scold us like mad dog because of the phone bills never decrease, only keep on increasing. There is one time when we quarrel about different opinion on the phone, both of us kept silent for some time on the phone without speaking to one another. We don’t want to hang up the phone and we don’t want to speak to each other. So we just hang there and holding the phone with silent to hear each other breathe. When I thought back, no wonder why our parents scolded us like crazy. It’s silly when I thought back but it’s fun too because I have this memories.

I meet her in my mother church during Sunday school last time. Before we became best friend, her first impression for me is bad. From her first impression, I thought that she was the kind of bitchie girl that like to show off about her wealth because she is quite wealthy and look down on other people. But when I get to know her a bit deeper, I was wrong. She is very generous in giving gift. Every year on Christmas day, she will become the Santa Claus in our church to give present to her friends and love ones. Every year, she can buy around 20 presents and those presents bought it from Singapore. So you can imagine that how much she spend on giving gift like that for almost 5 years?

She is a very talented girl who has a beautiful voice. She is talented in flute and dancing too. But she always thinks that she is not good enough. Actually, she is good enough. She likes to sing while we were chatting on the phone and I like to scold her for doing so. Every end of the years, her whole family will go to Singapore for holiday and she will called me almost everyday too in Singapore to have a chat and to update our daily life. I miss that; I miss chatting with her on the phone for hours. I miss quarrel on the phone and just holding the phone without a word from each other. I miss that.

I remember there is one time, during school holiday season, something happen to her family that cause her so sad and moody. She’s alone at home with her brother and she’ll keep on think about negative thought. To keep myself less worry, I stay with her for a few days and try to comfort her. At last, her family is all right and we Thank God for guiding us through. Before we stay with each other in KL, I often stay overnight at her place and we will have a long chat until we get tired and felt asleep automatically.

The more memories that I thought back, I just couldn’t stop giving thanks to God for all his love and blessing for both of us all these years. I really grateful what God had put in my life. Every trial, every blessing, blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Our loves for each other are not the kind of love that normal friends have, not boys and girl’s relationship have but is a kind of love that are unconditional. A love that from God, a love that will last us till death do us part, a love that will continue to love each other although the storm and the wind blow strong. I do pray that this friendship will be a forever friendship that nothing can tear us apart.

Happy Birthday Darling, wish you all the best…..

A few days consideration...

This few days has been a busy day for me. Can’t even sit down and summarize the whole day of mine. Let me see, from the day that I stop until today, it’s been the 8th day. Wow….what I did last past 8 days? Can’t really remember but I’ll try to summarize it up.

Last Saturday night, our sermon outline is about “Money”. After the sermon, get to know what we use to know and what knowledge that we lack of. From that sermon, I get to set my mind set right again and to believe that everything that we own belongs to God. Naked we came from our mother womb, naked we shall go to our Heavenly Father. It’s a very tough lesson because the worldly teaching is that what we earn is what belongs to us. But the biblical teaching is we own nothing and what we have is not belong to ourselves. It is a good concept that we as a Christian should set in our mind set today so that when we really have nothing, we won’t betray God because of world treasure.

Meanwhile on last Sunday, my boyfriend and I as usual, he came to find me and sometimes we went for lunch together and spend some time to be with each other. I felt a bit bored staying at home so I suggested driving to some place to explode a bit in my driving skills. So, we went to KL then Cheras follow with OUG to PJ and finally I am safe in one piece and reach home. It’s a big breakthrough for me and yet I learn a meaningful lesson about God’s grace. Every place I go use to have a lot of cars because that is a Sunday but on that Sunday, KL and Cheras seems to have less car so that I can learn to be strong and have courage when I drive. Although I do face some difficulties but these difficulties are something I can bear with it. He knows I can bear that and He know my strength. Indeed God show me that his grace is sufficient for me. No matter where I am, no matter what kind of trial I face, His grace is always sufficient for me. From driving around, I got to learn to trust God even more and know that my God are there for me.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

In life, we often struggle about different thing. No matter is a small struggle or a big one but we do struggle. This few days of mine, I have my struggle as well. But I can say that I struggle everyday for small things. I use to struggle about food in this lent season, for example, can I eat? Should I eat? Standing in a line between yes and no and the decision can only be made by me. In fact, it is a struggle for me. Like it or not, we do struggle and with this struggle in us, we know how to choose a decision between a good decision and a bad one. As for me, before every decision that I have to made, I have to think twice. Sometimes, not even twice but a few times. I started to ask myself, why do I need to think so many times before every decision that I need to made? Will this exhaust me? Why do I struggle a lot? Is that necessary? Will that help me? After a while of all these questions coming out from my mind, started to realize that why this thing brother me a lot? So I just say a prayer and up hold it to God.

Is just a prayer away wah…..

Challenging...

Yesterday was a day full of challenge for me. I don’t have enough time to drop down what had happened yesterday, so I have to write it down today.

I got to know my result in the morning around 10.30pm. After I know my result, it’s again another difficult thing for me to accept and to repeat what I use to repeat it again. I ask God and even scolded God saying that what else? What else you want from me? Do you have any idea how hurt am I? Do you know the pain inside me? My emotions make me lost my direction and hope my hope and trust in God. Within that half an hour later, I confess to God saying that I am sorry for complaining and blaming on you for this. In fact, I know there are more than what I expect God will use in me as I prayer for this year is ‘Use me Oh Lord’.

I started to pick myself up again and keep my trust and hope in God again. It’s tough, it pain but what else can I do? People surround me went speechless when I told them that I didn’t manage to get a pass AGAIN. They have no idea how to encourage me and have no idea what should they said so that I will not stop giving up. Even my very best friend saw me fall and stand up AGAIN and AGAIN.

When I let my cell group know that it’s been another failure again, all they can say is to pray for me. From yesterday, I get to know that no one can help me anymore. No word from them to encourage me and they have no idea how pain am I now. But only God know because every failure, He was there.

The title for today daily bread is The Good that Pain can do. Hmm…it go well with me and I can again reminds me that I am here for a reason, God have His Will and Ways for me. All I can do now is to set my focus right again and continue to trust and have faith in God. The process is tough but the result will be excellent. Difficult lesson but powerful testimony.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


Around evening time, my colleague and I went to Mc Donald not for dinner but to know deeper about a part time job that we are interested about. It’s about investment and convincing people to invest into their fund. Sound interesting and can earn a lot but everything come with good and bad, so from the good part, there are also a tough part. The product itself is a very good product. I personally have no worries about the product. When I reach home, I discussed this with my boyfriend and my housemate; they also said that investment is good. At the same time, they also pop up a very good question for me, where do I get my target audience?

The question that my housemate gave me is very true. She makes me think that it’s even tougher than I can imagine now. It’s all about yourself and winning the inside you. Throwing the pride in you, begging, doing non-stop research, and paying extra time and effort just for a better pay.
After spent some time discussion about this part time job, I wonder do people invest their money into all these kind of fund? A few thousand of hard work money and then hand it into one investor consultant. As for me, can I trust that consultant? What make me trust him/her? Same goes to me when I really take up this challenge. What make people trust me with that much money they have hard earn? Investment do have earn and lost. If they lose their money, the trust that I earn from them last time totally gone. Some more my name are worst than shit. My name worst than a shit should be not big problem but what if it interrupt the name of Christianity?

Another thing that worry me a lot is that, do I have enough time for all these training, appointments, and meeting up? How about my serving? How about God? Am I getting too much of all these negative thought? All these are really the fact that we should consider really well before we commit ourselves into other commitment.

This job come with advantages too I believe. My life is not about myself and it’s no longer belongs to me. It belongs to God. Before I make any stupid choices, better pray about it first. If anyone of you planned before to invest your money to all kind of fund and have faith in investment, please let me know. Thanks

How we define life

Today my mom called me and tell me that one of my aunt might have lung cancer because when she go and x-ray her lung, the doctor found out that there is one shadow in her lung that might be a tumor or cancer. Tomorrow, my result will be out and I feel emotional now but and I told myself, who I am to compare with I compare it with people that are facing life and death now.

I get a bit sad when I got to know that because this aunt of mine is a close relative of us and she take care of us since we are babies. She watched us grow, become adult and continue to care about our career and life.

Life seems to be so short and meaningless when I get to know this news. Her age not yet reach 50 but she has to suffer this kind of pain and fear in her life. I called her just now and I can hear that from her tone, that she is so fearful and helpless. I advice her that the only thing we can do now is to pray to God and only God can help us.

It suddenly remind us that we should spend more time with our love’s one instead of our career. What for if we gain the whole world but no one to share our happiness and joy? What for if we have everything but we lost the love’s of our life? What else is the meaning of life? Life can be so short and yet it can be so meaningful. It can be another way round too.

As I thought a bit deeper, life is really precious. It’s more precious than silver or gold. I don’t understand why some people rather to commit suicide than to continue to face their challenge? Some people beg God everyday and hope that their life will be a little bit longer, in another side; people are taking their life away just like that because they can no longer face tomorrow.

Life can be so difficult and yet it can be so wonderful and beautiful. As for me, life is about a piece of drawing that only God is in control. In the early stage of the drawing, it might be ugly, plain and meaningless. As the creator continues to draw the picture, when it is finish, it will be a picture that worth a million words and it will be a perfect picture. Sometimes, we might hate black color but that is the only way for us. When we have another blue and white, it will again brighten our day. It only depends on us how we see the value of life.

Oh Lord, please grand everyone’s of us courage as we will face each day full of challenge. Guide our heart that we live everyday full of meaning and wonderful memories. That when our time is here, we have no regret in our life but joy that we can finally meet each other.

I get frustrated….

I really do when i think of I have to work tomorrow because of my lady boss. I don’t know what I should do to again to satisfy her need. She is so controlling, like to change her mind often and everything that I did seems to be wrong and not good enough. Everything that I did is not good enough. She pick people to love, trust and she look down on people with different race from her. She is very powerful in my company and yet I doubt how come this kind of people can become a good leader and gain favor from CEO?

Not that she thinks that I am not good enough but she trust no body in our department except those who can please her. Sometimes, I think that maybe I should try to please her too so that when she have favor on me, I might get an increment fast, high performance and bonus because if she dislike a particular person, no matter how good your work is, how much effort you put or how intelligent you are, you will not get any increment because her favor are not on you. Indeed, I did try to please her but I cannot accept myself doing this. I live to please God and only God I will please. Who she think she is, she is only my superior not my cell leader, what for I want to please her?

Because I choose to be myself, I get scolded almost everyday and I get scolded even it is not my fault. Now, she complain toward my senior and ask my senior to try to advice me not to go back 5pm sharp. I think about it myself, what’s going on now? My working hour ended at 5pm, I have finished my thing and yet I can’t go back at 5pm? What kind of company is this? Don’t I have a life of my own?

She wants to control everything and everyone. Even the cup that put on our personally table are not washed, she also want to scold and control of it. Might as well she hire a robot and work with her since that she require no suggestion from us, no feeling and only work like a cow.

I cannot believe that I have to face her everyday. Oh Lord, please strengthen me.

Fast and pray

Today is the first day of our 40 days fast and prayer for the lent season. Hmmm… how do I feel now? I do feel excited and a bit worry because not only that I fast a meal a day but I fast drama series and TV as well. If anyone knows me well, they should know that I like to watch drama series and movie a lot. So, should I continue to be excited? Anyway, I still feel excited. Excited because the whole church is fasting and praying, worry because I scared I can’t stand until the 40th days. I remember last few years that our church have these 40 days fast and prayer, I joined the whole church to fast and pray together but I failed. So, I do pray that God will give me strength and self-control to stand strong in the midst of struggle ness and temptation that I can seek His face and touch by God personally.

Well, what should I pray for? Let me think… In these 40 days of transformation, I would like to learn more about humility and different breakthrough. It won’t be easy because there will be a lot of strong hold that try to break you down. But I am not afraid and willing to take up the challenge to pray for my family, my love’s one, my church my nation and myself. Wow, it gonna be excited. So, why not we encourage one another? When one person falls down, the other will pick him/her up and continue and enjoy in the midst of suffering.

The very first thing that I would like to pray for is to pray for myself. I pray that God will teach my to humble myself. Humility is a very difficult lesson. Someone took his or her whole life to learn to humble and use by God. I hope that I don’t need to talk my whole life to learn humility.

Just now, my church has a pray meeting to stir up our spirit to pray together as we start the first day of this excited event. It is a good prayer meeting that we can draw close to God again and pray for the church. After the meeting, as usual I went home and prepare myself to rest. Before that, I chat with a brother online in MSN. He said that he would be jobless soon because of the ceased contract. The more we talk about job, the more we release how ridiculous this world had become.

SPM Cert + Working Experience = High Pay
Diploma Cert + Little Working Experience = Normal Pay
Degree Cert + No Working Experience = Jobless / Low Pay


In another way round, study business came out and work in a restaurant or study IT came our work as a sales executive. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with this world? The higher you study, the lower pay you get because almost everyone is a degree holder. What make you so special? Some of the employers now think that, you work with me like a cow with low pay or you continue jobless because I don’t care, a lot more people want a job like this. Many people said that if they know working experience is that important, they should start to work at the first place.

Of course, there are good employers too. But how long we take to find that good company and employers? Speechless…

What can we do now? Just kneel down and pray to God and pray that the Lord will provide...