Changes

I believe that everyone hate changes. No matter small changes or big changes, we just hate it. Change of plan, change of lifestyle, change of practice culture, and change of anything… I hate it.

Recently, I’ve been through another transition period again. I hate transition period but out of control, I just have to face it because with all these kind of transition moment, I learned to be a better person, a stronger person and a mature person.

Life has been different since a bigger us separate into a smaller us. Life has been different; circle of friends has been different, focus has been different. The way of sharing has been dissimilar as well. Hmm… should I say expected? If I’ve not expected, I wonder why I cried so hard last time?

I believe that one of the tough things that people will agreed with me is to maintain certain thing or certain relationship. Maintaining is tough. To keep everything warm and just as the way it is is tough. Anyhow, this is not one-way street and we are not living in as island all by ourselves. We’re living in a world filled with special people – special people that are so unique that ones you lost it, you will never find them back. Everything comes with two ways. Give and take.

I tried so hard to keep things the way it is and to keep everything and everyone warm. But last night, I realize that I’m only an ordinary lady living in an ordinary room with an ordinary lifestyle together with my ordinary boyfriend worshipping our extraordinary God. Yes, I did mention that everyone is special. I didn’t say I’m not special. I am special too and so as my boyfriend.

What I wanted to say is that, I’m tired because I’m just a human. Trying to stop everything is really out of my ability. It’s like, me… just a small me trying to stop the world from turning. This is impossible.

Last night, I realize that I am weak again. That I need my strong God and I need Him to be magnify. Be magnify my Lord, that I can overcome this transition period and I able to see you again.

An interesting book of life that closing a chapter soon and will open another chapter again. May God be with me.

**Changes**

Today's prayer

Lord, grant me grace throughout this day
To walk the straight and narrow way,
To do whatever in Thy sight
Is good and perfect, just and right.
Amen

**Today's prayer**

My Raya days…

Selamat Hari Raya for those who celebrate their Raya and happy holidays for those who celebrate holidays. I’m the one that celebrate the holidays. Well, holidays suppose to be a fun and excited moment for working people. I look forward to these days so much. If I’m not mistaken, I started to plan this coming holidays around June 07. Low and behold, I spend most of my holidays at home. House mate went back to hometown, boyfriend working, best friend busy accompany someone else….

Last Friday, my company gave us bonus leave. So, I have one day bonus leave. From Friday onward, I started to stay at home till today. It’s bored but interestingly, I almost manage to finish 40 episode hong kong drama series. With nothing to do at home, I guess watch drama is something that I can do and I can learn from.

About this drama series, it’s about a big family that is so rich. As normal story line, rich family will always have two wives. One is a kind wife, while the other one is an evil wife. Like always, the evil one is always the one with many plans that try to take all the family properties.

With this kind of storyline, there are lots of morals and things that can reflect in our life so that we can learn. As for me, there are several things that I will thank God for after I watched this drama series.

Thank God that I am not from a rich family. With all the wealth, many problems will occurs. I thank God that I don’t have a rich family boyfriend too. With great wealth, always come great responsibilities. That is why, God is always fair.

Anyhow, that’s my few days holiday. A bit boring, lots of waiting, lots of watching hong kong drama series and spend some time with God. That’s my Raya days…

**My days**

Cute

God You make me smile (Hillsong kids)

Verse 1:
God You make me smile as I look to You
And I never thought life could be so cool
I'm so free to be me

Verse 2:
We're a generation who will live for You
Nothing's gonna stop us from loviong You
We believe in Jesus

Pre-Chorus:
Life is fun, and I'm so happy You're my friend and King

Chorus:
I raise my hands to praise Your Name
I am not ashamed, praise Your Name, Jesus


A very cute song. If you imagine all the kids sing this song with their cute expression, not only God make them smile, they make God smile too. It’s just so cute.

I like this song… Simple, meaningful and cute for kids.


**Cute**

Faith like child

Many times in life, I forget how to trust fully and have faith like child. It always brings God a smile when kids prayed. From the below picture, I know why. Even I myself will also have a good laugh about how naïve and how true they are.

Being kids is always the best part in life. You don’t have to hide, don’t have to fake and no one will judge your motive because you’re just a kid. Being genuine is what kids will do.

Like I said, growing up is pain. There are many choices, many decisions to make. I pray for faith like child. For a child will trust fully and will not doubt because they know who loves them the most.

**Faith like child**

Waiting...

These two weeks, my time seems to be slow. I wonder why. Works still have loads and loads to do. Books still have tons and tons to read and the time seems to be slightly slower. I guess all the while, I’ve been waiting. Wait for someone to come home and to be with me, wait for myself to be happy, wait for time to get things done, wait for friends to have fellowship together, wait for financially to be staple and the lists goes on.

It’s always about choices… yes I know. I choose to be happy and I choose to be myself. In fact, I choose to become someone better. Better than myself. But recently, I feel that what I should do, I’ve did it. What’s next?

I don’t believe that life will stuck in some where and you started to ask what’s next. I guess, I started to realize it now and I started to ask, what’s next?

I know my next step and I’m walking my next step. The things that frustrated me the most I guess should be waiting. I wait and wait and wait. Wait for loves one, wait for future, wait for myself, and even wait for God. Now, I know what the true meaning of waiting is.

Do you have any idea what am I trying to said? When I read back…I don’t know what I want to express as well. But I know God understand how I feel. Everyday, I wait for Him, everyday, He shape me to become someone He want me to be. I guess now, I’m waiting for myself. So complicated and yet, writing it down is always the best choice.

May God help me to wait as I wait faithfully and patiently.

**Wait with faith**

I’ve been lazy

I’ve been very lazy lately. Anyhow, no matter how lazy am I, I still clean my room twice a week. Well, I guess I am lazy in different area then.

I’m lazy to read books, lazy to sleep (sleep also lazy, what happen to me?), lazy to work, lazy to pray, lazy to talk, lazy to type blog, lazy to be hardworking and the lists goes on.

It’s been awhile that I left this blog of mine. Well, I guess after I finish typing all these lazy things out, I have to pick myself up again and work things out.

Today is 2nd October. Another 3 months, we’ll have another new year, 2008. I better prepare myself for 2008 coz I’m getting old. There is lots of stuff I want to do and I want to achieve. Weakness, lazy… May God have mercy on me and strengthen me again.

God’s love

God’s love is like wind. We cannot see wind but we can feel it. When we let go of the feather, we see how the feather being blow away. At the same time, we feel God’s love.

**God’s love**

It's just a job

A very common statement, “It’s just a job”. Some people give almost all their lives and time for their job and career. Whereby me, I would like to remind myself again that my job, is just a job. I need not to put so much emotions, feelings and effort in certain things that are not worth.

I’m not saying that I will not do my best in my job. I will still give the best, perform the best for God’s glory but I am learning not to take things seriously and not to take things personally. Anyhow, it’s just a job. No one will care about someone health in a business world but they will care, are the things done. No one will care how you feel today but they will care, have you give all your best to your responsibilities. A cruel and materialistic world and this is the real world. Want to remind Jenny Liau again, welcome to the real world.

For my life is not only about work, but also about glorifying God’s glory. Lord, may you guide my path and protect my heart. Let everything that I do for your glory.

**It’s just a job**

Growing up is pain

I still remember how I wished I were an adult when I was a kid last time. Everything will be fun and happy when I’ve grown up because I can buy whatever I want without permission and I can go wherever I want without permission too. While I’m still growing, I don’t think that way anymore.

When you’re younger, you wish you could grow up faster. But when you are getting older and older each day, you wish you could become younger again like last time. How nice it was when you can play whatever you like and eat whatever you like without thinking about management, time, finance, and reality. If a mom stops her kids from playing, her kids know that they still can have fun tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Whereby as for grown up people, commitment and responsibilities is always around us.

Tough decision has to made, battle each day to get joy and purpose in life, work hard just to earn some pennies where we get scolded almost everyday and we have to endure unnecessary stress.

Growing up is painful and it’s scary. Responsibilities getting heavier and heavier each day, commitment become an issue, parents, superior, friends expect more and more from you just because you’ve grown up. They expect you to be mature, handle things well and have excellent attitude.

How I wish I can be as naïve as a child again but I know it will never happen.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
1 Corinthians 13:11

With this reason, i pray that God will guide my path and my heart that each day, i'll bring glory to You. Amen.

**Process of growing up**

Family gathering

The clock shows 4.30am, my mom woke me up saying that it’s already 4.30am now. Have to get up and prepared. My body was weak. I dragged myself up, washed my face and started to take their luggage and went to airport together with them.

Arrived LCCT 5.40am. Checked-in together with them, direct them to which gate to go in later. Hug them and said goodbye.

Again I wake up from my sleep after sending them to airport. This time, the clock shows 8.15am. Oh man… it’s time to wake up and prepare to work again. After one week periods of relaxing and accompany my parents, it’s time to step back to reality and to work for living.

The first feeling came heavily when I woke up is awful, the feeling of missing someone badly. I don’t like this kind of feeling. It’s torturing. I miss them badly and I don’t feel like working. This is really terrible and I hate this kind of feeling so much. I prayed… pray hard that God will take it away and pray that God will take care of them.

It’s been one week. One week of enjoying, quarrelling, argument, relaxing and fellowshipping. Four of us enjoy the time being together although argument occurred but we thank God for His blessing, protection, love and wonderful time we have spend with one another. I thank God that I have this opportunity to bless them and to share the days together.

I miss them… miss them badly. :(

In this whole trip, God reminded me again how much He loves us, how graceful He is and how much He has bless our whole family. I able to experiences family noisiness, laughter from my mom, dad and my sister’s faces, spend time with my sister, listen to them and answered to their questions with patient and love. Learn to love them again and bear with their weaknesses because they never complain about me before. Accept and love them as who they are in my life. There is nothing more meaningful than spending the time together as a family to remind each other that we don’t have riches or gold, but we have each other because we are family. No matter what happen, we are one family, we will support and love one another. (This of course include my little brother and aunt in Sabah)

**A great trip**

01.09.2007

It’s been a year....

I can’t believe that times flies really fast. It’s been a year. A year ago, I experienced life most heart broken and most pain experience. It hurt me badly for both physical and mentally, so as emotionally.

I still remembered how pain I was, how disturbed my soul was. How lost and how broken I was. I guess, I’ll never forget. Everyone told me, this is life… journey of life. You have to go through this. That moment, I don’t even understand why life has to go through this. Every time I am alone, tears fall without realization. Every morning when I wake up, things around is cold, so as my heart. I can’t even find one reason for myself to smile and to continue to have the courage to face my day.

A year later, I know why. I understand what life is, what life journey is. I understand why I should be broken in order to be whole. I also experienced life and God more than ever. There are things that I can’t see no matter how many people told me or try to help me to see the whole thing, whereby now, God let me see it on my own. The feeling is weird. There are things I knew it all the while. But I never really know it until I experience it.

One whole year… From someone that has the biggest fear change into someone that hangs on to God and always trust in Him. I remembered vividly how hurt I was. I also remembered how glorious God is that he brought me over the darkness and let me see His rainbow, His promise one’s again.

Well, this is life… Enjoy trails, overcome difficulties and become a better person - For The Lord is always with us

**One year of grateful**

Judge too fast?

Human nature, judgmental spirit. Who are we to judge? Unfortunately, that is what comes automatically when we failed to control it ourselves. Not only that we will judge through first impression, we will judge when things doesn’t goes the way we’ve planned, or when things doesn’t go on what we’ve expected. Even a short conversation a gang of peoples has could occur unnecessary judgments.

What’s wrong with people? Why must we judge and jump into conclusion so fast without understanding the whole story and without giving some chances for someone to explain? Is it fair? How nice it would be if everyone willing to wear peoples shoes and walk their pain and understand their feeling.

There is an incident when I realize I judged too fast. I didn’t even notice it until Danny asked me, why you judge him? Then I start giving excuses and try to blame whatever I can or try to pull him over to stand on my side so that he’ll agree with me. Well, that never really works because normally, his stands are quite strong. So, I end up apologizing for being a judgmental person.

From that incident, I realize how fast I can judge one person without even pass through my mind. It’s just like a pain reflected. I see how wicked is my sinful nature and how weak am I. May God forgive me and give me His wisdom to walk with Him everyday of my life.

Are you judging people around you too fast too that cause them have no space to improve? Why not stop and give them a chance to explain and to understand before any judgmental words come out from your mouth?

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
James 1: 19-20

**Judgmental spirit, human nature**

PMS

Most of the girls will have the same hatred when it comes to PMS that is the swinging of emotion. Emotions swing like crazy and with no reason, weight gain, pimples, stress, craving for something sweet and swelling of breast. Out of the sudden, there could be tears dropping down your cheek or when you watch comedy, you laugh until you cry.

I hate it so much too that I have to face it every month. My boss would said that, don’t take it as an excuses. Well, I do agree it anyhow but sometimes it really driving me crazy.

Like just now, I am kind of down when Danny open the door and said goodbye to me and then the door closed. At that moment, I am down and hope that he will open the door again but I know it will not happen. On the next moment, when I sit down in front of the pc and start to play games or do my work, I feel better. In fact, I’m glad to be alone because I can do things that are pending for months. So, you can see how fast my emotion can change and how swing it can go.

At the same time, I can cry and then I wipe all my tears away and said I’m ok. Hmm…. I am considering, am I still normal?

Some people will agree that emotion can control. As long as you want to control it, everything also can be controlled. How true is this statement? Basically, I do have the same point of view saying that we can control our emotion as long as your will is strong enough to control it. The problem is how many people will want to control it? Media will teach us to go with our heart and feelings. But how true is your heart and feeling? Could it cheat you? Maybe it’s fake…

Anyhow, I should be lying down now. Or else, I really get a more swing feelings than today.

**Feeling? How true it can goes?**

Fruitful weekend

Sometimes, people will forget how they should feel, especially for me, this kind of forgetful person.

I’ve forgotten how it feels when my love one gives me a gift out of sudden. Forgot how it feels when I’ll meet my parents soon after a long period of missing them and not seeing them. Forgot how it feels when people rebuke me in front of my face about how wrong and how pride is I. Forgot how much God loved me and how big is His grace for me. Forgot the feeling of relief after a cry and there is someone there to hug me when I shed my tears. Sometimes, I get blur all the way and not consider much about feelings and emotions. And I’ve forgotten how fast time flies and how much time I’ve wasted. But no matter how much I neglect feeling and emotion, they are still in me that cause me think much and doubt more. May God have mercy on me.

Last weekend, I get to experience it all again. I get to feel how it feels when someone showed the ugliest of my nature, how much God has forgave me and always give a another changes, how much God love me and how wonderful in His grace. How foolish am I when I thought that I did everything with my own strength.

I also experience how grateful and joyful am I when I get a small gift from the person that I matter and love so much out of expectation and out of the blue. An excited heart to meet my parents soon, a wonderful sermon by pastor to remind me how much my friends has helped me when I was down and how important are they and a great time to have fellowship with them. I have a fantastic time with friends that I don’t get to see every week and great time also with friends that I get to see everyday week. A short weekend but a fruitful weekend that I get back what I suppose to feel in certain moment of life.

**Feel good when the weekend is fruitful**

No word

Sometimes, the more you try to find topic to update in your blog, the more you couldn’t dig one topic from your mind.

I able to dig a few but every time I start to write it into words, I get stuck after a few minute. I guess I have to start read and read tons of books to get feelings into word and to get word out of my mind and heart.

Recently, I’ve been busy with working life and church ministry. Wait a minute… I always busy with works and serving. Work never ends until you retired, serving God never finished until you meet Him face to face. Overall, it’s a busy day, busy month and busy year. No matter how busy I am, I will always try to remind myself to spend time with people around me. To freeze for a while just to focus back what life really matter and what life is all about. Is it only about busyness? Only about love? Only about getting things done? It’s good to freeze yourself from time just to find out what really happen inside you.

**No word **

Waiting...

Some people have a lot of patient in waiting for certain people or certain thing or even certain answer. On the other side, some people will get frustrated easily ones you require him/her to wait for certain things for one minute.

Last Monday, I have this opportunity to taste it on my own. I have to wait for Danny phone until late at night. One’s he called me, I was like…at last…you called. He asked me, why you sound so happy and excited in this hour? Normally, you will so feel exhausted. Today you sound glad. I answered him, “I have no idea. Maybe after a long wait, lastly my effort is not wasted.”

As I thought back about the situation I realize that all the while, God has been faithfully waiting for us to talk to Him everyday of our life. Everyday, God waited patiently, faithfully. When we just spare 5 or 10 minutes to talk to Him, there will be a smile on His face.

After a long wait, we manage to chat for 10 to 15 minutes only. Although it’s just a short period of time, but both of us are happy. I believe that if everyday, we willing to spend some time with God, God will be so happy.

In this incident, he reminds me how He feels when He waits for me everyday to update Him. Although a short period of time, He will feel happy.

**God is faithful**

What if?

Last night, Danny and I have this “what if” discussion. Well, it’s not really a discussion. It’s more a story telling by him. He asked me, have you ever though about what your life will be if in the beginning, you choose something else instead of the life that you have now? I answered him, hmm…. I never really thought about it because since I was a small kid, people around me taught me that my life is in God’s hand and He has everything in control and He has a plan for me. Basically, I never thought what if this or what if that. I have the mind set of God already has everything planned well.

Later on, he continued his story. He ponders around about what his life will be if in the beginning he chooses TARC instead of APIT? According to him, he might not come to FCC, might not know Christ and might not accept Him as his personal savior, might be a gangster that still hang around finding the purpose of life, might not know all his friends and might not know me and further down our relationship.

Today, as usual, I wake up early, prepare myself to work and talk to God for a while. Normal working moment while I keep my media player on with a song title, You’re everything to me by Avalon. That’s a nice song. Shortly, my mind started to wonder around and I think back what we’ve discussed last night. What will my life be if I don’t have God? If I don’t have my church friends? What will my life be if in the beginning, I choose to stay in Sabah instead of coming to KL? What will my life be? Will I stop growing in maturity in my spiritual life and my thought? Will I still be my parent’s baby? Will I still hang out with the same group of people? Will I regret of choosing to stay in Sabah? I never know what my life will be if I choose to stay in Sabah last time. I think that if I don’t have God in my life, I will be lost and living in a life that have no purpose and meaning at all.

I never know what my life will be if I choose to stay in Sabah last time. I will never know what my life will be if God is not the center of me. But I rather not to try this experience. The biggest fear that I have, not about insect or animal, but when I don’t have God with me, looking at me each day and giving me His everlasting love. The biggest fear that I have is that, when I wake up, I release that God is not with me. Anyway, I know this will not happen because God is always with me. J This is what He has promised.

Everything happened for a purpose, a reason. We’ll never know what is the reason until we step in and trust God. Step by step, He will let us see things clearer. Life darkest time happen so that you can see God brightest light that lead you over where there is rainbow waiting for you.

** Everything happen for a reason **

All for Him

Yesterday is the last day that I practice dance together with the Chinese team as they are going to Labuan and Beafort this coming Wednesday. Throughout this whole one month plus, I learn a lot of things from them and from a Chinese culture point of view. Today, I strict them to dance properly, filled with passion and concentration, and to stressed them to dance the best for God. Indeed, they did a very good job for Him. I am so happy and satisfied. As I always encourage them, we serve God, is not about the skills or talents…. But it’s all about the heart. So, I don’t really care how many talents or gift that one person has. If he or she don’t have any talents but he or she have this heart to dance for God, I believe God will used him or her, and I willing to spare time to train him or her up with patient. After all, this is what I’ve been called to do. God sees our heart. If God can use me for His kingdom, why can’t He use you for His kingdom? After all, I am no body in front of Him.

Talked about the matter of heart, today when I witness their rehearsal, God reminded me a lot of things. At first, He reminded me the issue about serving Him with our heart. Many of them are nobody; not a skillful people or a celebrity but God remind me that, what he wants from us is not our talents but our heart. A pure and faithful heart, a righteous and willing heart to be used by Him. If we compare the event that held outside the church, maybe it’s not as good quality as it should be. But if God want to choose, He would choose a humble servant that gives all the glory to Him and not to themselves alone.

I see great people with great vision and with a big heart that willingly used by God. I prayed that this trip of theirs, they able to impact people’s life and lift His name up high.

Secondly, God reminded me how much he care and love me. From the drama that they performed title, Fathers love. Again, I rededicate myself to my heavenly father and I said I’m sorry that I’ve hurt Him a lot. He never gives up and never stops loving me. I prayed that I would only love Him the most for the rest of my life because what I gain, is more than what I worth gaining.

**Bring me back**

20.07.2007

When you looked into the calendar, beside 07/07/07 is a beautiful date; 20.07.2007 also consider a beautiful date. Double figure 2007 in one day. Nice? I think it’s beautiful.

What make 20.07.2007 so special? As for me, a day to be reminded how God has bless me and bring me through difficulties that I have to go through and how much I should thank Him and love Him in return.

I’m pleased and grateful for what he has done for me, effort that he has paid, time that he has shared, joy that he brought into my life, sadness that he has shown to let me know him more, knowledge that he learn and teach me with patient, word of encouragement and affirmation to affirm me over and over again and love that he has given to prove me with every deed that he work things out.

People said that the beginning of everything is filled with passion. I prayed that this passion would continue to be strong until eternity.

Guide our heart and mind as we continue to walk in the path that you have for us. May Your kingdom come, Your will be done. Amen.

**20072007**