Meaningless

It’s been 24th days. Last Friday, I got back my stuff… and when I look at the camera, my heart broke into pieces. Last time, I wanted to buy the camera so much because I hope that I can capture all “our” moment and keep it until the day is here. Now, the camera only can be own by one person and the picture inside will only have one face.

Slowly, I learn to walk myself instead of God carrying me. I tell myself, it’s time to walk alone. Bleeding has stop, and I just need time for my wound to recover. Pain never left me; I still have to endure this pain. Bit by bit, I have the bravery to walk shopping malls. A lot of memories that came back to me… I can only tell my heart that, it’s over, everything is over, and I’m alone now.

Just now, I also manage to pick myself up and pack up all the stuff. As I look back all the things, there is still a smile on my face. Thinking, how nice it is if the ending is not like this. There are so many promises that are yet to fulfill and everything seems has become rubbish now. Nothing is meaningful, all meaningless.

A person that I used to love the most, care the most, appreciate the most, now has become someone that I don’t want to see, don’t want to know, don’t want to care about. It’s weird…so weird. From stranger we become friends, from friends we become best friend and from best friend we become couple that wished to spend the rest of our life together. And yet, now everything is useless. Everything is meaningless. From that moment, a couple has turn into a stranger, sometimes even worst than stranger. Last time, I can’t wait to see him, now every time I saw him; I felt that there is a knife pierce into my heart. The closer he is, the more difficult I catch my breath. I felt weird. Trying so hard to ask myself to not to act this way, but I just can’t stop the way I acted.

From this point of time, there are still thought inside my mind trying to get the answer. What I’ve done wrong that we have to end this way? 7th years… 7th years of sweet and pain, we grow together, we change together, and we fight for certain thing together, encourage each other, taking care of each other but now…everything is meaningless. MEANINGLESS. People beside me told me that this is no one fault. I know… but I just couldn’t….. I can only wish that I can get well soon. Lord, please heal me. I’m broken and lost…

Fade away...

Every time I took up a pen and wrote the date of the day, I felt happy. I told myself, it’s another day again; it’s another new day. I hope that everyday can pass little bit faster that I able to get recover soon.

It’s been two weeks, feeling start to grow weaker, everything started to get back their temperature and I’ve started to get use to it being who I am again. Slowly, I get the courage to face everyday, to face everything. Although the pain is still there but I know, slowly I will be getting better and better.

Facing life everyday is like a challenge. Trying so hard to discipline myself, to discipline my emotion. Learn to give thanks in the midst of suffering. But I am glad that through this journey, I learn a lot of things. God grace is really sufficient for me. Every trial that I go through is something that I can bear and I can handle it. I realize that people surround me care about me, feel sorry for me, and some even weep together with me. Many people get shock, then feel sorry and then, they went speechless because don’t know what to said to me. When I get such an expression, I felt it’s funny because almost most of my friend also gave me such an expression.

Some of my friends called from Sabah when they got the news to make sure I am ok. I felt blessed. Although I lost someone that used to mean a lot to me but I still have people that love and care about me surround me to care for me. I’m move and there are tears in my eyes which show that I appreciate their care and love. Thank you so much friends for your care, love and prayer. Although just a short phone call or just a short message of asking how am I doing, I’m satisfied. At least I know that you care.

I think that many people knew about this, but they choose to remain silent and ask nothing. I want to thank them too, for their understanding. Not asking me anything is really a good choice because if they asked, it only makes me more pain to tell them again.

There are some changes that I have to adapt too. I can only pray to God that asks for His strength and grace. For only God know how pain my heart is. I pray that as day goes by, he can find his comfort too. May God bless both of us. As we live everyday for His glory.

Lord, please guide me through...

When I woke up, the bed is cold
Every street that I walked it seems so cold
Trying so hard to hug myself to make I felt warmer
But no matter how I tried
The empty and cold side is still in me

Looking at the mirror everyday
Found that I get thinner and thinner each day
I willing to do anything if I know I can keep this
Tried all my best and yet we end up this way

Wondering why love can be so fragile
Feeling can easily come and go
That can end up just like this
Where is true love then?

Trying so hard to sleep in this cold bed
Trying so hard to stop my mind
But my heart still in so much pain
That I have to cry myself to sleep

Crying to God
Seeking for His love
Asking Him, what else can I do?
Where are You when I need You?

Lord here I am
Use me as I pray
I know nothing about my future
But I know I’ll grow stronger each day

Oh Lord, please carry me through
Its so pain until that I can’t walk
Seeking my God, trying to feel my empty and cold heart
That I can ones again stand up and glorify Him.

For my life is not my own
But He who lives in me
Not my wills
But Yours be done.

It's tough...

Today, 1st of September, a day that I will remember, a day that only times can heal and only time can prove.

Can’t believe that we have to end up this way. For the past 7th years plus, all memories, trials that we’ve been through, everything will fade away and everything will only become the past and another part of history in our brain. Sadness can really lead a person to be so pain until can’t even shed one tear. For the past years, I love like I never love before, I give like I never give before and I care like I never care before.

Sometimes, I have no choices. Same to this situation when come to decision making either to continue or to stop, I have no choices either. For everything that I did, I gave my very best. Every moment that we spend, I appreciate it every second, I enjoy it. Every words and promises that we have made, I’ll remember it. Every love that comes from me is true love and unconditional love.

It’s tough and it is even tougher to imagine my life, my journey, I’ll be alone. I know the Lord is with me. He will carry me through this. For what I can do, I give no regret. What I can give, I give more than I expect.

Lord, today I cried, I know tomorrow I’ll be stronger. Tomorrow I cry, the next day I’ll learn to lean on you more. Lord, please don’t leave me. I know Your ways are higher than mine and your knowledge is higher than mine. I know you’ll give me the best. After all, not my wills, but Yours be done. May I be your glory everyday. May Your grace sufficient for me.