Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas


Wish everyone have a beautiful and meaningful Christmas!

Friday, December 12, 2008

I've been a blogger for 3 years

As I was trying to search back the previous post that I posted about the new phone which is the phone I am using now but it was new last time. I was trying to count how many years has this phone accompany me and I kept searching for that post and yet I didn't get it. In the midst of searching, I realize that I've been a blogger since January 2006 and from there onward, I started to write what I've been through every season of my life. The main purpose for me to start a blog is actually to drop down what I've been through and for myself to see how God has lead me through from a chapter of life to another chapter.

The previous name for my blog is Jannie's Space. Later on, I changed it to A Preparation Journey. In Jannie's Space, I still remembered that my blog is brown in color. But I didn't use this title for long. After a heart broken incident, I started to think for a change. Well, when you no longer want to remember your past, you will try to change a lot of things. I still remembered that I changed my hairstyle, my blogspot title, most of my clothing, my watch, and my lifestyle. I thought about delete the whole blog and create a new one but no matter how I would like to forget my past, I know that I will not able to make it because my past will always remain my history because it is in me, it is with me and it is what I've been through. So, some people asked me, why do you still keep your blog after you have a broken heart? I will only smile and answered, because this leads me to become who I am today.

Later on, I change my title to a preparation journey because I believe that the journey that I am walking now is a preparation journey. That's why I put the description as a journey that will mould me to prepare to be a faithful follower, a humble servant, a passionate lover, a supportive wife, a godly mother and a better person. With this title, I change from brown to blue and from blue color to now orange. Next year, I was thinking to change the color again. With changing colors, it shows that it's another new year, another new chapter of life again.

Previously, many people will drop by my blog to read. I guess when there is something interesting happen in your life, people will want to know more. Later on, people that drop by my blog is lesser.

My best friend said that, "I bet you won't write long" but low and behold, I became a blogger for 3 years and will continue in the coming 2009. I see people blog, I thought they will be a faithful blogger too, well… I guess you can't judge a book by its cover after all.

p/s: With browsing through the past post will always motivate myself to take more photo and make my blog interesting again. Can do it or not, it's another story.

** Blogger for 3 years**

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My phone broke

Sad incidents happen because my phone has turn to white screen only. Although it can still operate like normal but all I can see is only white color. So sad… coz that phone is an answered prayer from God and a gift from my best friend. Feel sad because after I have spend so many years with it, I have to let go because it's time has come.

** Sad… **

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Girls night out

In this holiday season, everywhere is decorated but seems like Kota Kinabalu decoration is not as pretty as what we expected. Anyway, last night, i have dinner with ex-classmate and we have fun. Well, what else girls will do when we talk about fun?We go almost every where to search for nice Christmas decoration and take photo. Though not many nice picture but we still enjoy the time of being together. Although we can't celebrate Christmas together but dinner together is also about spending time with someone that you love.So here we have, Sutera Harbour Resort Christmas tree....

And the girls..

The girls again...

This picture... Oh ya, i put it in coz both of them look nice and it is a nice picture. It is always a beautiful moment when you can hang out with old friends, laugh at the past when this and that used to happen and who and who got nick name... In a beautiful cold and christmas feel restaurant while some chistmas song is in the air and we laugh and talk, it really make our heart felt warm. But one of us will further her study soon. Maybe the moment like this will not be that often anymore.

**Girls night out**

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

It really make me think…

After 3 weeks of busy life, I guess life started to slow down. Not so slow but slower than the previous weeks. There are still stuff need to rush, things need to follow up and done before New Year comes. Can't believe that in less than one month, I have to settle most of the things. Did I just say that life is not as busy as previously? I guess I'm wrong. Life is still busy coz I forgot that New Year is coming. Sometimes, I just wish that time can stop for awhile. I am rushing for time which everyone is doing so and most people also think that it is ridiculous.

It’s been a while now when both of us are busy for our own work and also ministry. Both of us have a team of people that we have to take care, work that are never ends and different time of working. Most of the time, I have to rest early due to the culture and the early schedule of the next morning, whereby he has a different schedule of life. He can sleep till late morning, but have to work till midnight. Well, basically I also have to work till midnight but only on special occasion and event. With this, in turn out that I am the one that always wait, always staring at the phone wondering when will it rang again and always I am the one that accidentally felt asleep and the hot topics of how was your day had just pass by without really put it into a conversation. When the new day came, new topic we would like each other to know and the previous one, seems have left so far. And when certain things happen, then only each of us realized that; oh ya, I didn't tell you this. When the 'oh ya… I didn't tell you' this statement come out, seems like it's been ages we didn't spend time to talk.

Sometimes, it will feel a bit weird. Weird that why I don't know? But always the same reason will be given that is, ooo… I forgot to tell you. And when the statement 'forgot to tell' come out, it really shows that we spend lesser time now. Sometimes, it will really end up a thought of what do you expect? Both of us are really busy. Not those fake busy but we all have our own responsibilities, our own burden, our own lifestyle and sad to say, our own gang of friends.

A day pass…. And another day pass… it's been like this for three weeks. Long distances sucks? Or communication breakdown? What else is new?

**It really make me think**

Friday, November 28, 2008

The previous weeks - Part 2

Talk about Ellel training, it is a good training. To put aside all the busy stuff, I personally learn a lot from there. The most impact topic that I learn is about healing the human spirit. Well, we have some topics such as bitterroot judgment and bitterroot expectation, ---

In this training, it again reminds me that everything is spiritual. Sometimes we thought that things are not there but things are there even though you believe it with all your heart that it is not there. Sometimes, things are not only about your mind. Rev Titus, one of the speaker repeated many times about ---- the devils is like a hungry lion that come

It really stirs up my spirit to pray more and find more time to be with Him. It sound scary and it is scary when we treat things lightly. On the first or two sessions, I do doubt about it but after the whole training I guess what they said are right. Sometimes, it's not only about the mind.

As for children worship conference, wow… this is really excited. We have about 300 ++ kids and in my workshop, I have about 60-70 kids. In the morning, we all are like so excited and full of energy to jump, play and entertain the kids. But in the late morning, most of the staff started to feel tired. It really put me into a consideration that I should get a child soon so that I can have the energy to play with my own son and daughter. They are so cute… Watching and hearing them praising the Lord really make our heart melt. I think it melt God's heart the most. Some are so small, some are so naughty, some are so shy coz when I said hi to them; they are just too shy to say hi back to me and some cannot stop running. Wow, indeed it is a tired conference but watching them learns how to dance and do action for God is just sweet and speechless. I guess I am blessed by them too.

** Enjoy**

The previous weeks - Part 1

It was a super busy weeks. Follow up with my previous post about Ellel training and the continuous Children worship conference the week after the training. In these two weeks, life is all about run faster than time. Before Ellel training, we rush for the preparation of it. Photocopy all the books/notes, binding them, name tag for all the candidate and settle up the accommodation things for them. I have to rush for clergy meeting and attend the meeting as well. Before that also have to rush for the ordination service and have to make sure things is ok. In Ellel training week, during break time, I will be rushing back to the office to work on certain things then back to training. Then do the same thing during lunch time. The whole training took the whole day and sometimes, I drop by the office at night just to settle some other things.

About this week, it is also about the same. Break time I went back to office for awhile except lunch time because not enough time for me to run to and back because the kids eat very fast and the lunch period is only half an hour. Well, most of my night I am working coz there are lots to do when you are not working in the morning and afternoon.

Life for these two weeks is all about running here and there holding my laptop. Work, eat, training, conference and sleep. I didn't even get to talk to him more on the phone coz I am really exhausted. My heart would like to do more but my body seems to refuse just because I am exhausted.

** Busy weeks**

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Workaholic?

It's another night that I am working in the office. These few days I am rushing for lots of work… Coming clergy meeting, Ordination service, Ellel Training and Children Worship Conference. It’s tiring but I kinda enjoy. Enjoy the busy life and enjoy the time that is pack with stuff with a long 'need to do' list. Have I turn to be a workaholic? Hmmm… Interesting…

**Turn to be workaholic? **

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Children worship conference

We will be having a children worship conference soon and I am one of the trainers. I thought that this could be easy. Just help out this and that while the teacher in front trying to teach and I just stand behind trying to calm down those extra active kids and make sure that they did what the in front person says. Low and behold, I am the one that should be the person standing in front and teach and not supporting and helping behind. This is really scary. At first, I have no idea that I am the one standing in front to teach and I have no idea what to teach. The numbers of children coming in are higher and higher each day. Past few days, I received this email saying that 300++ people are joining and a few days later, the number increase from 300 to 400++. It’s getting scary and I got nervous trying to come out what to teach, what I want them to learn, what is dance and action doer and what is the purpose?

I guess when you are under pressure, you will sleep with it, eat with it, sit with it and everything you think is related to it. All over my mind was, what am I going to do? How to teach? When I ask the person in charge what to teach, she said, you are the expert. How come you asking me what to teach? Then I got think, ya… I mean, drum I don't know. Guitar I know half pale, piano is dreaming to learn but dance I guess I still can teach a bit with what I know.

Nowadays, other than thinking about the whole teaching kid's thing, I have to start to listen to kids songs, learn to communicate with them or maybe gain some of their interest in the things that I am going to teach them. Communicate with kids, wow… great challenge. Never ever thought that I will teach children in dancing but ya…

I think I am going to be crazy with them just to get their attention in what I am trying to plant in their life. Pray that this generation will have different point of view in dancing. With their gift, they will offer it back to God one day.
I guess I will learn a lot from them too after all. By teaching them, maybe they will teach me back how to worship God with who you really are. Faith like child…

** Freak me out**

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Happy for them

Today I got a news whereby I think that I never want to know this news and I am afraid of what I will react to it when I know it. Today, an old friend of mine telling me the news that I never want to know. Well, not to said never want to know coz at the end of the days, I will still know but I rather not to know, like what I said, I don't know how will I feel and what will I react.

I go through the thought of how will I react when I get to know it. Maybe I'll get shock and not saying a word. Or maybe I will get very angry. Or maybe I will get back the same old hurt that kept haunting me when I thought I am ok with it.

Until today, I realize that I am ok. Ok with the news and not only ok but I am happy for them. It's kinda weird for me to realize that I am really that ok with it. I think and think, am I really ok? Then I relax myself to think again. I am ok and sincerely felt happy for him. I've lost count the days we separated after I focus on the moving on life. I guess when I count back, it's been 2 years plus. (I have to ask my best friend to double confirm the year… I guess I really forgot about it).

Some people will say that memories are the hardest thing you want to forget. Well, I will say, it's up to you to want to let it go and choose to forget or not. After all, it's your choice. It took me quite sometime to slowly let the memories fade away. I won't said that I forgot the pain but I am proud of myself that I almost forgot every important moment that we had and create new memories for my life now. I guess busy life do help. Other than trying hard to maintain the long distance relationship, I tried to settle down my emotions and lifestyle here. With those help, I almost forgot things what we used to have but to focus on what I am having now and trying to work things out.

2 years…. Wow… Now I realize that I really seldom think about him. Today's news leads me to think again about him. Not really about him that him but about me handling the past. I can say that I am fine, happy for them and I know what the best is for me now. I am happy with the decision that he made in the past although lots of pain and tears but those days lead me stronger and closer to God. Not only so, but I found the one I ever want, I ever prayed and I ever dreamed of. Till then, my journey with him ends without my realization.

** Happy for them **

Friday, October 24, 2008

Today better than yesterday

It is always a joy when you able to travel and able to be with someone that you love dearly. After a long countdown and lots of waiting, I able to have a few days off my body from Sabah and to be with him. It was a great joy and I laugh a lot. I have so much fun to be there. I adapted to the place and streets fast, I smile for every small little thing, I can find whatever types of fresh fruits there, I really like to be with him. Even though I didn’t manage to stick to my own plan and get sick the third day I reached, but I still laugh more than I used to.

After came back from a short holiday, I feel weird. Not only weird but terrible. I miss him like crazy. It's like I left half of my soul there. I can only pray that today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. I wish time can pass faster when I am alone and slower when we are together.

** Tomorrow better than today **

Sunday, October 12, 2008

It's been a while now

It's been a while now that I stop writing my thought. It been a while now that I started to think about serious diet due to the fear of my friends and family cannot recognize me and it's been a while now that I started to stay alone to think about stuff and reasons.

Life has been a stable routine now. It’s calm and peaceful. I kinda enjoy the moment like this. But I know it will end soon with the pack schedule of Christmas season is coming and lots of training and meetings preparation. I guess, to stop myself for awhile it's not a bad idea after all.

4 more days… Personally, I am very excited and happy about this 4 more days. It's been 5 months now that I am in long distance relationship. I won't say that we scored excellent marks in the previous months but I can say that we did put lots of effort to make things work. It's never easy for both of us. I guess it will be tougher with the pack schedule and the heavy responsibilities that both of us are taking. Hope is always in front of us. God is always in control.

So, ya… it's been a while now that I didn't see him and I am very excited to meet him in another 4 more days.

** It's been a while now**

Friday, October 10, 2008

Today's lesson

He who cannot forgive others burns the bridge over which he himself must pass

**Interesting... **

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The holidays

On the first day of Raya, I went to Pulau Manukan and Pulau Mamutik. I have fun to enjoy God's creation and a relaxing time to stay away from work and my room.
On the second day of Raya, i went to Tanjung Aru with the English zone staff to enjoy the time of being together. Thank God for a beautiful weather and also the relaxing time. Other than a relaxing time, I got sun burn. Until today, I still suffer from that sun burn.
So, this is it… two days of holiday in the beach.

** The Holidays **

Monday, September 29, 2008

Silent cry

Everyone have their own struggle, their own difficulties. The same goes to me.
I sometimes walk through a journey whereby I found myself screaming for a friend, screaming for an attention.

It is always easy to point at so and so saying that oh… he/she just need some attention. Then we will label him/her as someone that lack of love. In the actual fact, everyone is screaming for attention and everyone is craving for someone to love them, someone to understand them. Who are we to say so and so lack of love when we ourselves are also begging someone to take a look at us?

Sometimes when someone need a friend, as simple as a friend and yet we point at them saying that should blame back yourself for not spending enough time with us or should blame yourself because you didn't take the effort to make things work.

Where is the compassion heart that God placed it in? Where is the love from God? Where is my heart? Where is my love?

** Silently I cried out for love and attention**

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The power of music

Last time I used to listen to certain songs and repeated it because I loved the song and I just loved to repeat it. So, every time certain songs are played, it will bring me back to the moment and also the thought. If I used to listen to this song and think about so and so… after a few years later, when I heard back the song, amazingly I can still remember this so and so and I will remember vividly why I used to think about this so and so and it bring me back to the moment. I guess I should call this the power of music.

As some of the old songs are played, my mind wondering around and my feeling go back the moment of my past. Hmm… should I say enjoying the moment? I guess every moment is precious. Even though that might not be a long lasting moment but still it is precious that time.

** The power of music **

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Good news...

Yesterday I heard a great news. Well, there is a saying that no news is good news because when you have good of it, for sure you will also have the bad side of it too but then I will still prefer to look at it as a good news. I become someone's auntie already… Well, not blood related but still….Hahaha… Happy right… i just felt like screaming it out when I heard that because it's really a great thing. We used to talk about, when you will have a baby and what will you do when the baby comes and all these will because so real.

Aw…. i do wish to be with her in the process of nine month as a friend but then distance limited us. I still remember vividly the day they got married and the day she tried on the wedding gown. She even warned me not to cry coz she thought that I am over excited. Well, I nearly did but then I didn't cry on their wedding day. Hahaha… a bit over emotions some will say but I am truly glad and joyful for them.

This news really brightens my day. Have no idea why but I am happy for them. To see someone that you care happy sometimes will bring joy to you too… coz their laughter sometimes is what you need to make yourself happy again.

** Happy for them **

Friday, September 26, 2008

I love rainy day

This morning before I walked out my house, I heard the rain drops. It's another rainy day….

I love rainy day. It makes me feel comfortable. Other than felt like sleeping, it also make me feel cold and good. Imagine with some romantic music on, a cup of coffee or hot chocolate on the table with an interesting book and with someone that you love dearly holding you close to his arm as he whispering some sweet words to your ear. How wonderful that moment will be.

Wow, I can just stay in his arm forever, stay in that room forever, stay in this kind of weather forever….

Can't believe that after I finish writing this, the rain stops… Argghhh…. I guess it's good to dream a bit and to miss him a bit…

** Rainy day **

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I have fun

Wow…

Tonight was a happy night for me. I just had a almost 3 hours chat with a long lost old friend that we used to be so closed when we were small and somehow, things change with the busy schedule and with the meeting up with new friend. We have so much fun in catching up with each other and we forgot that we actually study the same secondary school which both of us also forgotten and can't seems to find each other in or memory. But it was a joy to able to keep in touch with her again and meeting backs some old friends. Can't believe myself will join facebook but I did and I have fun in searching back all the old friends. The whole night we were like… oh no… she changes a lot… and he look so much handsome now those kinda talk. We really have fun. We even doubt one of our old classmate did a plastic surgery. Hahhaha…

Meeting back old friends are fun. I guessed joining facebook is not that bad after all. Other then trying to keep yourself up-to-date and can blend into any conversation, you can catch up and find back old friends. Not bad… not bad…

** Have fun**

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

It only left me breathless

In a beautiful occasion, amazing dress is put on, make up are on, hairs are all set up and jewelry are all around.

In the office, professional image is being presented out, laziness is the last thing you want your colleague and boss to notice it.

In a fellowship gathering, happy face is needed because no one wants to share your stress and problem when a happy gathering is on.

In a church service, a gentle and polite attitude is required to present on the table to reduce unnecessary gossips and pointless complaint.

In the ministry that you attend, friendly and open spirits are the expectations. Members of the church ministry will always want to see a joyful you, a beautiful soul that walks with God.

At the end of the days, who will love your weaknesses? Who will bear with the pain that you have? Who is willing to walk with you?

When certain expectation is required are not fulfilled, people coming in and out to say and comment what is needed to improve and what is need to put more effort. When effort is given, people will still point out mistakes saying that need extra effort and comforted with a continue statement behind God is with you, walk with faith.

It left me breathless… Why commented is given when you are not even in my life? Why expectations are requested when you are not there to walk with me? Where are you when I need a friend?

** It only left me breathless **

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Differences Point of View

As I read through a book titled, winning with people by John Maxwell, I read through something like this;

It's said that a friend is someone…
Who knows you don't know what you're talking about but will let you reach that conclusion independently.


Today I have a conversation with a friend of mine. We have a different point of view on the above statement. I would says that it is always right to not hold on to someone so tight that he/she cannot breath even though it show that we care for him/her a lot. But her point of view is slightly different from mine. I won't say that we carry a wrong motive but I would say that we have a different character.

She stand strongly on we should do our part to take care and to remind certain people about certain issue whereby I think that it's no point holding it so tight where he/she cannot take it and we are just forcing him/her to change or reach the level of maturity that he/she has yet to reached. Her perspective is correct as for our discussion is no right and wrong but exchange information of how we see things.

As we are serving in this atmosphere whereby culture and generation are differences, it really burden people to serve. After all, we are all here for one purpose is to serve Him. Why certain people have to be over controlling whereby we all believe that God will also play his part to take care of us? Why do God gives free will choice and yet man force to become no choice? Am I over reacting or they are over reacting?

I know that this is a good place for a character mold as well as shaping our life to be more like Him. But why push too hard when God is in control? Why not give some space that we all learn to draw strength and faith from Him? After all, we all have given a choice to choose. I would say it's good that you care and remind but after all, the choice is still in my hand. It's not so much about disobedient issue but about the choice each individual will make when it comes to different things.

Difference perspective, differences method but one heart for God's Kingdom. There is no such thing as one ruler to measure everything.

**A different perspective to reach an ultimate goal**

Friday, September 05, 2008

Is falling in love only are more than enough?

This question comes across my mind today. Will that be enough for each couple to sustain the tolerance level, the spark to keep things alive, the problem that occur that they faced and the comments that people will gives? Is being in love would be enough when two person from different school come out with different kind of thought?

Today I heard about problem that we all will face when we can't check the "single" box anymore. Problem with the parents in law, problem with staying together, problem with tolerance and problems with sharing and giving. Although these are not new problem and we all know about this. But who really felt the pain when we are not in the list of those problems. We all know that these are the things that we will face but how many are ready to face and prepared to face before the wedding bells?

I wonder my heart knows about this when my mind already accepts the fact? … I guess only time will be the greatest helper as I grow every single day.

In love… enough?

Fruitful week

Today,4th September 2008 will be a fruitful day, not only a fruitful day but an excited day. I woke up with an excited heart knowing that I have a whole day off that I can at last spend some time to be alone, drop down some of my thought and some time to rest and relax.

It's been a busy week for last few days. I've been working for 16 hours non-stop in the office. And this is my first time ever since I came out to work. I have never worked that hard and long hour before. Wow…. Now I really know how it feels when you become workaholic and all your time is only work and sleep. Eat also not much time, can you imagine that? I even watched the fire works while I'm on my way walking home when they are celebrating the countdown of Merdeka. Anyway, it's a really busy and good past few days. Although quite numbers of minor mistake I did but it give space for me to improve and I offer to God a thanksgiving heart that overall its ok. This is my first Synod and I know what is Synod meeting means now. Hehehe…

Please enjoy the picture for the opening service of Synod that held on 31st August 2008, 6pm. From the whole process of getting ready for the meeting, in the meeting itself and out of the meeting I really thank God for what I have learned, what I have experience and what i am going to improve. I see myself clearer. How do I react when I am really stress, what will my respond be when I have to rush and work faster than time and yet I am bound by time, what will my attitude be when people complain more than appreciating the hard work and who is the supportive friend and who will remember me. I learned more than I expect and I gain experience. This is the way we all learn and from this whole process and the result. I really thank God that he gave me the opportunity to see myself clearer than before and how to improve myself to fulfilled a greater purpose of His. I know success doesn't come overnight but through failure and endurance

Sometimes things doesn't go the way we all planned, do we still give thanks and work without complain? A good questions to meditate on.

** Fruitful week*

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The journey of two best friends

God’s will bought them together in meeting with each other
They meet when they are in the age of 10
Starting to be best friends in the age of 12
Never realize that both of them travel part of the life journey together
Holding on to each other strongly
Comfort and cry for each other when one of them needs comfort or tears
The path no longer as easy as they thought
Wanting to give up of the journey will come to a choice
A choice to let go and let God
Or a choice of holding on no matter what
Distance again be their enemy
As they grow
Material seems to be interesting
Getting to know new friends that caused them no more time for each other
Continue with they own dreams and vision
That brings them to a journey that they are forced to said goodbye
But both of them knows that this is a never forever goodbye
The word goodbye was spoken
With tears running down each other cheek
Knowing that things no longer the same
Things will never be the same
Hoping and praying that God will continue to guide them
As both of them go after their own dreams
One year later
They are no longer the best friend that they used to be
With something to hold back
That caused their trust been shaken
Their faith no longer the same
Surrounding people give comments
Good and bad, both of them took it
The journey for both of them
No longer travel together
But they walk apart with a broken heart
Distance has caused both of them to be apart again
That now it will be unknown duration of time
Praying and hoping that things between them will be better
When both of them are not in the same area
3 months later
Both of them meet up
Holding hands before God
Just like 10 years ago in the age of 14
They again hug and cry aloud to God
Knowing that they again have each other
By each other side
To comfort and to cry when a smile or tears are needed
With that hug and cry
They know gap between them
Are no longer exist
Love among them is now greater than before
With the assurance that what they have is a gift from God
That they will never want to let go
Never want to give up
But with a grateful heart to give thanks
For what they have
For what God gave
And for the trials that both of them goes through
With God’s grace
They become the best of the best friends
They continue the journey of life together
With comfort, courage and love
To face what is in the front of them
And to hold on to God
With an assurance that they are a present from God

**The journey of two best friends**

Monday, August 18, 2008

Love never fail!

The clock ticks every minute
My heart beat faster every second
My hand gets sweat
With an excited feeling of waiting
Able to meet him again
Can't believe the hour is here
When I can finally meet him
A day where tears that shed
Are worth and valuable
Knowing that I can have
That moment of "together" with him again
Believing that the promise
We used to have are still true
Still real, still accountable
With God in the between of us
We believe there will be a rainbow
In front of us
That keeps us hoping, perseverance
And keeping it alive


**LOVE ALWAYS HOPE, PRESERVERS, TRUST AND NEVER FAIL!**

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A thought…

Since young until now, i have quite a number of rich friends around me. They spent money without much consideration. They don’t need to think will it be enough if i spend this money for this thing and what about the next thing i want to buy? They don’t have to worry about not enough, not fully utilize it and will it be a waste if you bought it and not use it.

Some people were born rich while other born in a not so rich family. I am one of them that born in a not so rich family. I don’t have RM50 per week, i don’t get to buy what i want, what i wish and i don’t get to buy things without looking at the price and no need to think about it overnight. Since young, mom told us that money are hard to earn, every penny have to use it wisely. Since a kid, i don’t have fancy Barbie doll but i have enough food, enough cloth and enough necessities for living. Do i consider myself blessed? Of course i consider myself blessed but men are never satisfied.

Sometimes i looked back my past i ask God, why everything that i want, i have to earn it myself? Why everything that i wish for have to beg You so long before i get it? Why i don’t get to ask for more when i don’t have enough from my parents or boyfriend? Why people have less commitment? Why people ask for a car and will get a car? As for me, i ask for a pc only.... i have to wait several years to earn for it.

Most of the times, after got envy with friends around me, i calm myself to think. Why complain when i have enough? Why want more when you don’t need it? I kept myself silent and being reminded in the book of James 1 and reminded that blessed are the poor for they shall see God. Poor people goes through much struggle, trials and difficulties that help them to rely on God more, draw strength from Him and find peace in His presence. Not to offend rich people but the word of God says, indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

Lord, give me what is enough that i will not steal or rob to sin against you. But not too much that i might forget your grace and mercy. Amen

p/s: For those can ask and get it without much earning, count your blessing because not everyone have that blessing.

**Thought**

Monday, August 11, 2008

3rd month

It's the third month now… Can't believe that it's been three months. And in less than a week, he will be here. So excited…

Nothing much recently, except busy with the preparation of the coming Synod meeting that will held on 31st August. I can only pray to God that mistake made lesser, wisdom added by Him more day by day.

Excited because less than one week. May the week they are here, time will pass slower and we can have quality time together.

**3 months**

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The rest day

I have a wonderful break yesterday. I manage to do something creative. Something that I never do and something that is not related to work. Hahaha… I manage to play with the clay. I always wanted to do something creative just to refresh myself from work and to rebuild again the strength. Release stress is also one of the reason and to find the moral of the story when I try new things.

Well, I manage to make a ladybird and a mushroom. Although the ladybird eyes are one big and small but still, it is a ladybird ok… not shit. I know, I know it look ugly but don't worry, the ladybird is my first creation. You can see that I improve fast when I made the second one, the mushroom. Always left some space to improve.

The moral of the whole creation thing; Wow… God is creative and he made everyone special. Luckily I am not the one that has the responsibility to create things and make things alive. Can you imagine if I create something?

God is always good, always creative, always loving and He will still love you no matter how extraordinary you are. Maybe from the one big and small eyes ladybird, God will remind me something else one day. We will never know…. But for sure, there is lesson we all should learn and willing to learn everyday.

I will still love my ugly ladybird although it's ugly but because I made it, I will love it. Imagine how much more God's love for us?

p/s: Next break, butterfly maybe… Hahaha…

**A fresh break**

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Helpless….

One fine afternoon, Grace phone rang….

G: Hello
Me: Can you tell me things will be ok?
G: Ok! Everything will be ok.
Me: Why it doesn't sound convincing?

When you need someone to tell you things will be ok because you wish to hear that everything will be ok but when you heard it, it doesn't sound that things will be ok. Not that the way she said is not convincing but my heart are not convinced

It’s my problem or my heart problem?
All I want to hear and wish is that things will be ok… But when I get what I want, how come I am not smiling and feeling what I suppose to feel whereby the feeling of helpless will occur.…

Please… Please Lord… Please tell me things will be ok!

**Helpless….**

Monday, July 21, 2008

Dance is an art

It is always a joy when I able to dance in front of my Lord. Every time I am on the stage, there will only one motive, one heart and one focus that to make my Lord pleased with what I am doing.

To fill His heart with joy and to visualize that He is looking at me with a smile, my heart melt like someone that I long for and deeply in love is happy. Most of the time, I failed to make Him smile. I can only confess and said I'm sorry because I am weak. But when I dance for Him, my heart will goes to His and my focus is to show Him and to express myself what words and music are not enough to explain how I feel. Body language can talk and it show how we feel. I believe that dance do speaks and dance is like a picture with a million words. When you have no word but only emotions that is the time when you feel like dancing. I feel like moving my feet just to show Him how much I feel when I am really feel happy and I feel like moving my hand to let Him know much my sad is when I am really in pain.

Some people believe that words are limited. Words cannot really express what we really want to share but music, dance and art can talk behalf of us.

**Dance is one kind of art too**

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The journey of life

Some people said, life is like a book
Some will believe life is a journey
Different books have its own story
Different journey of life have its own tale
Don’t judge a book by its cover
Don’t judge human by its appearance
No one can fully understand every chapter of your life
No one can completely recognize the path that you face
Some will comment that it's an easy path
Some will cry and believe that its a painful path
But no one knows how pain is your heart
Neither how cheerful you feel
No one knows how grateful you feel when you truly feel
Only God understand is always the comfort we carry
Only God knows every pain and laughter we walked through
For every road, God never leave us
He watched us walk slowly and closely
We run for Him when we are passionate
Felt down and cry when we are broken
Dancing on the road side when we have the happiest moment
Different journey, different breakthrough
Who we are to compare whose path is harder or simpler
Who we are to judge and comment what bring us joy and pain?
God grace sufficient for every single one, every single day
With joy, I willing to walk in the darkness with Him
Rather than in the light without Him

**Journey of Life**

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Need a break

It’s been two months now. My table started to filled up with files, paper, documents and something that I have no idea with what is that. Since my boss is back, I've not been really sit down and have a relax job. I like to just sit in from of my laptop with my feet up on the chair crossed with a soft songs playing and with a good cooling environment that won't make me sneezing the whole day. It is just nice with a cup of white coffee in front and I work on the things slowly and comfortably. These two weeks, can't even enjoy that for one day.

Trying to make myself comfortable then I've been called in for meeting or else I need to go out to collect rental or banks. Else I'll be rushing for some letters or report.

Now, I really understand why some of us long for the Tuesday break so much. I can't wait to have mine on this coming Tuesday off. I really need a break badly. Just to recharge myself so that I can again have a refresh next two weeks. A day off just for the sake of doing something that I like and my mind off works for awhile. I should start to plan my Tuesday off soon so that I can used that day fully. May God be my strength and wisdom.

**Need a break**

Friday, July 11, 2008

Frustrated week

So, other than meetings to attend and load with works I experience why Sabahan hate to go back to their own place and yet they still have to go back sometimes because that's where they belong. What I experience is about almost a week my apartment run out of water. Totally run out of water. If you know me, I hate it so much when there is no water supply. I rather no electricity but there is still water supply. I will have the whole sense of things are not clean enough when there is no water provided.

For almost the whole week waiting for be water and in the mood of frustration. I get very frustrated when no water but Thank God I guess after yesterday, things get back to normal. Hope that it will continue to be normal. Or else, I'll be all frustrated again. Learning to calm down the frustration, it's a good lesson…

**Frustrated week**

Friday, July 04, 2008

04.07.08

A random chat as usual…

Me: So how is you gf? Well from chicken pox? Got scar?
CL: Ya… fully recover already but still recovering from the pox pox
Me: So cham o… I actually wish to have chicken pox too but with danny beside me … please
CL: Wa… you want to suffer to have your bf beside you meh?
Me: Of course ma… then can let can let him worry me a bit… then nervous a bit… then sayang me more and care me more. Feel loved also… hahahah
CL: Hahahah… can feel you really really X100 miss him wor
Me: Hahaha…. Little bit like that la

## Take a short break from working, have a thought about the chat for awhile.

Hmm… I guess I really really miss him until I also didn't notice that I miss him so much that my words tell and people around me can feel it. God, I really miss him….I think this is the first time i miss someone this much.

Counting day by day and prayed that when he is here, time will pass slower and we can at least have some quality time together.


**Miss you badly**

A long week

It's been a long day for me this few days. Big boss is back from the holy land so as his PA that came back from holiday. Other than meeting and prepare to meeting I am busy around with preparing meetings material and to get myself ready. So this week it's all about meeting. Indeed, a tiring and stressful week.

This weekend will be a working weekend for me. Saturday work half day in the office and will continue to work in my room for the sake of preparing myself the Sunday meeting. Sunday will spend my morning in both services and serve as a dancer that lead 8 people to dance together and in the afternoon, we will have ground breaking service in some where here that we need to travel 40 minutes to reach. Continue with a thanksgiving ceremony for our new staff quarters follow up with dinner that will be provided and meeting. That will be my weekend. The meeting will continue the next day and ends before lunch time. Wow… first time I gonna attend a long meeting like this. Well, I believe I will learn so many things throughout the whole meeting.

Other than long and tiring days, Sabah maxis have some problem. My mobile keep showing that no network to access and I can't call out neither can anyone call in. I can't call Danny and he can't call me. In my mind I thought, phone is the only way we can communicate that time because I don't have internet connection when I left the office and he also have problem with internet when there are chances to meet online. I type the sms but I can't send out. We tried to call each other until our mobile out of battery and yet we can't reach each other. Man… that really sucks.

I miss him…. Miss him badly… with the bad line connection thing it make both of us cherish each other more and to cherish every phone conversation that we have.

**A long week**

Monday, June 30, 2008

Baby Jennie

When i'm only a few months old + when i was 6 or 7 years old in the musical drama and i'm acting as Mary

When i'm in the age of 2 or 3...


When we are kids...
And when we've grown up...


When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
1 Corinthians 13:11

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Inspirational

Human have to go through difficulties to find the real meaning of life. The same goes to me. I've been lost about the meaning of life in past few months. Don't think that every Christian knows the meaning of life. Christian is also human and human is weak and sinful that's why we need God badly. There is a moment when I kneel down before Him, I am speechless. With only one thought, what am I here for? Is it only to praise God, worship Him, follow the same routine of work every week and to try to achieve something which human will never able to achieve? This is all about life?

Walk in a journey that you've totally lost the meaning of life and focus is very scary. The road seems dark and silent and you have to sense of direction at all. You can only sit at the road side and cry that God will come to rescue you. It's like a sheep lost its shepherd.

But when I read what Rick Warren shared about his life, tears overflow my eyes and there I know I am back to my shepherd arms.

The strong arm that hold me tight and all my fears are away.
The big arm that cover me from strong wind and cold
The comfort arm that I can always lie down after a long walk of loneliness
The peaceful arm that reminds me how much He love me
The arm I can always cry at and find comfort

Enjoy Rick Warren words….

#Note: It's an interview a few years ago and now Kay Warren (Rick Warren wife's) had won the cancer battle and is now in healthy and well condition

Rick Warren (REMEMBER HE WROTE 'PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE')
You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, 'Purpose Driven Life ' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren,
Rick said: People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.
I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal.
God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.

God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.
I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, 'which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her.
It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people. You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.
Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.
God's Blessings on you today.
#

**Inspirational**

Friday, June 27, 2008

Endurance

Recently I heard there is a few couple that has difficulties. Everyone knows that two person from different point of view and taught up from different school will always have difficulties in trying to make things right and trying to convince each other in certain things. I know it's not easy.

Being together and maintain the relationship is never an easy task. From the point you fall in love with him/her and decided to choose to be with him/her no matter what happen, we all should know that no empty promises should be made and the journey will not be easy. Happiness will not come like fairy tales but effort, time and money will always need to spend in order to make things ok. Things will only be ok but not perfect.

It is sad to know that things didn't work out for certain couple although they try to work things out. As we all can read and see that percentages of divorce couple is getting higher and higher year after year and people change their partner like changing a piece of cloth. Why do old times couple will last whereby the generation for now will not last as we all prayed for eternity?

Is it because the word appreciates no longer in our own dictionary? Or because of making ourselves happy is always the priority? Taking each other for granted no longer an issue. The word endurance no longer a clear and strong word as each couple sees it.

At the end of the day, maybe we should sit back and think, is it worth to let go when you know you have not tried the best to make things work out? It is worth to let go when you have spend most of the time together and all things will be wasted? Is it worth to just step back and pretend that things will be alright? Is it worth after all the time, moments, feelings and effort that have paid?

**Love always trust, always hope and always perseverance**

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

New chapter begins

After a month and three weeks settling down, I started to get used to the lifestyle here. It’s different from my previous lifestyle so as my previous expectation. Never expect things will be this way but anyway, I am still learning. There are differences such as attitude that you need to carry, behavior that you need watch out, words that you used to speak, expression that you used to give, discipline that you need to pay, and the list continued.

With a new lifestyle, let's start with my new place.
This is where I stay. This building called staff quarters. Its new coz they've just finish built is a month ago. We moved in on the 26th of May 08. I am staying in the top floor on the right hand side.

This is where I will be alone, have my privacy and a personal relationship with God so as Danny.

I planned this place for devotion, bible and books reading but I am still waiting for the small table that they have no more stock. Well, I guess by the time they have stock, maybe I no longer want it coz I've already get used to using different place to do my bible and books reading.

This is the biggest toilet in the whole staff quarters apartment which is mine and Michelle washroom. We share one washroom together.

This is the living room

And kitchen

We have three rooms and two bathrooms in one apartment. I am staying with Michelle and Nicole. Each of us takes one room so that we have our own privacy and time to be alone.

Nice house? I think God is good... He provide us what we want. So, why worry? It's a new chapter.

**New start**

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Hmmm

Browse through a few people's blog… found out that people is moving on with their life. Like it or not, we still have to move on although it's a happy day or a blue day. One of my close friends recently broke up with her boyfriend. It reminds me how hurt it was last time and I started to read back what I've go through last time. Every time I browse through the previous post, I will give thanks to God. God is really faithful. I again being reminded how He bought me through when I can no longer walk but He carried me through. I tried t encourage my friend as well, to take the courage to walk each day and to let time to take place for the healing process.

As I browse through some people blog, they put in some pictures to make it interesting. I'm reminded that I used to do that too last time. Sometimes, word just couldn't describe all our thought but a picture will do coz a picture can have a thousand word. It all depends on how you define things and how you want it to be is all in your mind. Well, I guess I should take out my camera again and to snap a few picture to make my blog interesting again. People used to tell me that they like to browse my blog coz it's interesting with the picture. Since only words left here, I guess not many people will drop by now.

Anyway, with picture or not, this is still the place where I will put on what I want to remember so that I'll be reminded that God is love, God is faithful and God is with me when I thought that He is not with me. Life is a journey, a long journey that I choose to travel together with my best friend, my king and my father. So, enjoy life…

**Hmmm***

Monday, June 16, 2008

It's been a month plus

Ya, it's been a month plus I'm here. Still surviving and learning many things in life. I'm lost when i first step into my work place. Wondering it this what You want me to do? Is this what I like? Is this what I've been waiting for? Going around confusing, doing things without my own stand.

Asking myself and God so many times, where am I and why I don't feel what I suppose to feel? Where are You when I am in Your house and yet You are not there. With this one month plus of struggle, waiting and silence walk, I get a puzzle each day for myself to join them together so that I able to see a bigger picture when the time is here. Puzzle by puzzle, by heart get comforted. Everyday I guessed what will be the picture be?

Things started to get busier day by day, my responsibilities started to get heavier. Not really happy or stress about it but I just do what I think I can do. Still worrying that I can't cope my work so as the position that I am taking but I promise God and myself, whatever I can, I will try my best, give my best to make things work.

It is still a foreign country for me. People here are still stranger for me. Slowly I am adapted to the lifestyle here, get myself to bed before midnight and struggle to wake up very morning before 7am. I know I am walking very slow compare to my standard speed but I rather walk slowly than to rush myself to the speed which will cause me tiredness in a short while. I remind myself not to walk too slowly as well that everyone will pass through me.

Life here is still weird for me. I guessed I will let time pass as I blend myself in. Please pray for me as you read this. It is not as tough as I thought and yet not as easy as I expected. May God's love and grace be sufficient for me as I draw closer to Him each day.

**One month**

Monday, June 09, 2008

Public Holiday

Last Saturday is a public holiday. Well, I get the opportunity to rest a lot and get very bored. I even planned to walk out alone just for shopping but didn't manage to due to the heavy rain. With no choice, I stick in my room, jumping around coz of overly bored and finally, I did this just to cure the sickness of jumping it around and shouting for no reason.


Nice? Hahaha… Doing this, end up eyes pain due to over use energy but at least, I have fun.

**Public Holiday**

Thursday, June 05, 2008

1.40am

I've seldom wake up middle of the night just to drop down my thought nowadays. But tonight, I just feel like writing something.

It's 1.40am now that I woke up and open up my working laptop to write a few words and pray that I will have a good rest after I write it down.

Friendship.... a word that used to be so closed to my heart and now seems like a stranger to me. Some people are lucky enough to have good friendship all the way throughout their journey of life. Some called themselves blessed when he/she found someone that walk with him/her for a quarter of life. As for me, I name myself blessed and fortunate to experience the journey of my life for us to walk together for a quarter of the trip.

I always mention that time is moving, so as some peoples life and things around us. I always remind myself to appreciate the "moment" that I ones have with someone for I know; I will never walk back the same path with him/her.

Until today, I am still thinking, what is the true definition of friendship? I thought I knew it so well, did it so well and had gave it all well but up to today, I get confuse with it. Is it only about the moment? Or only for temporary happiness. People said best friend difficult to find but I used to say that is not true. I guessed it is true now for this new chapter of my life.

Sometimes, I rather choose to be alone than to take my heart out and I get it back in pieces.

**Who are you, friendship? I no longer know you**

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Unspoken cry

I only want to serve You, why is it so hard?

I only want to be with You, why is it so far?

I only want to love You, why is it so pain?

Lord, may Your grace sufficient for me each day. May Your presence be with me always. May Your wisdom is enough for me and May Your comfort come when there is only tears I can shed in a silent pain, invisible burden and a quiet journey.

**Unspoken cry**

Saturday, May 24, 2008

This is how it work

**How cool is this...**
Everyone knows that to maintain a long distance relationship is tough. Even people around me said that it is impossible to maintain a long distance relationship or they will said that they don’t believe in long distance relationship. I used to be one of them but things changed, so as my thought. I believe that we are separated for a reason and he thinks that too because everything happen for a reason. To be in a relationship is never easy, what more than not being around with each other.

**I'm watching American Idol from 8tv through the web cam in Danny's place**

We try to be there, try to spend more time togehter and try to endure till the times come when we will be together all the time. As for now, we will focus on what we are called to do. May God’s grace sufficient for both of us and may He be the center of us.

**It work...**

Saturday, May 17, 2008

It’s been a week now

It’s been a week that i’ve left the place i’ve spent 6 years. Can’t believe that i’ve been here for a week. Everything started to be ok although i’m still not very sure of many things. When people ask me, are you ok? I answered, i’m ok but i doubted. Am i really ok? I am blur more than ok. Some pastors ask me, are you ok? I look at them for a few sec and said, erm... i guess so. Then i said i am ok and will be ok. Right now, just a bit blur. Then they said, it’s ok. It’s ok to be not ok and it’s ok to be blur. I guess they didn’t expect me to be ok in such a short period too. Well, i don’t wish to push myself to be ok in such a short period too.

Cried for a few days, slowly i started to get use to it. At least i know where to do laundry, where to find food, where am i working, where i sit, how should i wear, where should i go and where is the church. Started to get use to it that he no longer beside me and can’t meet him everyday. All i have is only his voice. Sometimes, i still can see him but i can’t touch him. Being in a distance love so far is still ok for me. As least i still able to cope it and it’s not as bad as i thought. Of course, we have to pray hard to reduce unnecessary miscommunication. May God guide us through.

Deep inside, i know i’m ready. Ready in a sense that whatever i’ll be facing, challenges that i will have to take and things that i will learn and to be mold. I’m excited in how God will use me in another hand, i’m blur as well. May God show me His direction. This is it... This is the land where i will be different person. A land that will mold me, train me to be a stronger, better person and closer to Him. Same journey, new chapter of life.

**A week of blur**

Thursday, May 08, 2008

A calm night

Tonight is a calm and beautiful night. The music plays and a calm wind blow by. I hold my hands together to get warmer. Sitting in a strange place with him sitting beside me. I look around and have a thought for awhile. Time pass so fast and it only left 2 more days before I fly off. How do I really feel right now? Besides of all the busy settling stuff, handling things, meeting up with friends and catching up with books, I really didn’t spare much time in recognizing my feeling.

Can’t deny that tear is the biggest issue for me right now. I’ve been in this place and been in this church for 6 years. Feeling sad to leave is such a normal case for me. I can’t believe time pass this fast that my time has finally came. In another hand, I am excited for the new life that I’m going to face and yet I too have the problem of letting go and move on. After all, like it or not, I will still have to move on and prepare for the journey that I will meet in my coming days.

Thank you for those who remember me, treat me for such an expensive dinner, willing to spare their precious time with me and trying so hard to make things work out for me. I truly appreciate and I can’t stop giving thanks to God when I thought of you all.

Two more days... I can only pray that the Lord is with me, calm my emotion and help me to adapt to new places as soon as possible.

**A calm night**

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Last day in PBHSB

Can’t believe that today is the last day working in this company. I’ve been working here for two years and seven months. Exactly two years and seven months. I started to join on 3rd of October 2005 and my last day is 3rd of May 2008.

How do I feel right now? Other than busy settling work, I felt kinda sad. Sad as in I’m leaving and when we meet again, it will never be the same anymore. It’s really my joy to be with them and to work together with them. Although gossip is around, blame is always around but when we laugh, we laugh together and when we suffer, each other is there coz they don’t really have any choice coz it’s their own responsibility as well. Hahaha…

I’m glad to know them and with every one of them and they’ve been a blessing in my life. When time comes, we all have to move on. I wish all of them good luck and all the happiness. May their wish come true.

**Happy going, happy growing**

Monday, April 28, 2008

To be continue…

Well, like that…I’m 24th. Only one single day, I’m now in the column of 24-26 instead of 21-23. No longer 21st, no longer 18th now.

So, after worked, I waited Danny to pick me up and we have our dinner in Mc Donald and some chit chat with some friends. When I reach home, I was thinking to clean my room just for the sake of going to celebrate my birthday, wish to have a clean and tidy room. Low and behold, when I open my room door, everything is in order and it’s clean. I looked at him and smile. With a big hug and said thank you. So touch… he clean my room again. :)

Since I don’t need to clean the room so I took bath and have some rest. Eventually, my rest will lead me to sleep. I slept for half an hour and I was awake by the small sound of whispering. Open up my eyes, I saw a book that I long to buy and I wish to read. I wish to buy that novel so much because the content in it is so attractive. Once I start to read that novel in the bookstore popular, I cannot let go. There are a lot more books that I wish to buy before I go; therefore I have to let go of the novel that I love so much. Who knows, he bought it for me just as a surprise present. I am really happy and ask him, how do you know? Then I laugh myself and think it’s kinda obvious coz I keep mention about the book and keep thinking wanted to buy or not and what are the reasons not to buy it. Now, I hold it happily and read it cheerfully.

After the book, I read one chapter and prepare for my TV - American idol and American next top model. That’s how I spend my last day of being 23rd.

Thank you for those who remember and greet me. I received a few unexpected calls, sms and gifts. Indeed, I’m happy and blessed. Never expect certain people will remember but they did and expected certain people to remember but they didn’t greet me. Anyway, no matter you remember or not, I’m still happy and blessed with friends and family around. Another blessed day and another meaningful birthday.

**Happy Birthday to me**

Thursday, April 24, 2008

The last day of 23rd

Tomorrow onward, I’ll be 24th. Hmm… how do it feel to be 24th? Well, I do miss the time when I was young and energetic. Not to said that I’m no longer that active but my activeness have limits nowadays. Growing old is actually a really scary things. Maybe you never realize that you walk slower than others, you forgot things faster than other people and you can no longer walk a few shopping malls in one day. Well, I didn’t said that I’m that old. Anyhow, 24th is still a beautiful age to go passionate and crazy for God.

The last day of being 23rd…..hmm….

This morning I wake up with a thought in my mind. Tomorrow is my birthday. How do I feel? How would I want that day to be? To be normal like everyday basis or to be extraordinary and try different things? wait… before that, maybe I should settle today. So, last day of 23rd ya. I’ll never have my 23rd again. I guess today I should do something that I never do before. Maybe:-


#Watch movie alone? – After work is 5pm and I need to stay at home to prepare to watch American Idol at 9.30pm, plus and minus with bath and dinner I guess not much time left for me to watch movie alone

#Eat alone? – Normally Danny will eat with me. If so I eat alone, I tried that before so, next….

#Eat only ice cream for the whole day? – Now is 1.35pm and it’s half day so, not really into eating ice cream for the whole day

#Eat chocolate only? Wow…. This is tempting… but I don’t think so

#Fly kite with Danny? – This is something I always beg him to do with me but where to find kite in such a short time and where is the place to fly it up?

#Watch sunset? Cool… this is nice but off work at 5pm and plus the jam… I afraid that I’ll end up frustrated more than happy on my last 23rd


So far, that’s all I got in my mind. I guess I just pass my last day simply with someone that I love so much, care a lot and count my joy and blessing that God is with me for pass 23 years. No matter where I go, as long as I’m happy, in a great mood, a normal and routine day can be a bright and interesting day. :)

**The last day of 23rd**

Monday, April 14, 2008

Stronger???

How do we normally define the word, stronger?

You felt down, you cry. You pick yourself up, you grow stronger? Or emotionless?

You face life heartache journey. You cry aloud and you learn to take care of your own heart. You become stronger? Or selfish?

You face financial crisis. You learn to save and cherish every penny. You learn to be stronger? Or stingy?

What is the definition?

I am leaving… I cry… time pass… I adapted to it… tears no longer an issue for me. I become stronger? Or become heartless?


**Stronger?**

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The journey

Last night, I realise that many people are leaving. Some to further their study; some go after their own dream, some trying to settle down into a more stable life while some would like to set their path right. Like it or not, there is a road that we have to travel individually.

The statement of ‘people come and go; only true friends will leave heart print in your heart’ has become so real. The journey of life is so long. When we were kids, friends that we meet are different. Things that we expect or required from them are different. When we grown a little bit into becoming youth, some of us might forgot the friends that we use to play with when we were kids past few years.

After youth, we become young adult. College life started to be busy and tons of assignment is closer to the due date. Friends that we made and friends that are around us are no longer the same. Some will get closer of you because you’re smart. Meanwhile other will try to get your favour for the sake of your car. The older you grow, the less true friends you found.

In every season of life, I believe that there will be someone God provide to keep you accompany and to walk with you. When you’ve reach the end of the season, it will be the time you said goodbye to the friend that used to walk with you and said hello to a new friend for the next period of life. The cycle will go on and once you ruin the opportunity, you ruin the friendship.

I like it or not, people come and people go. No matter how much we used to stop the changes and pray that things will remain the same. Yet it remains changing without anyone’s approval.

There is a road that I will travel and adventure with someone else. The same goes to every one of us. I give thanks for those to walk with me, cry with me, laugh with me, play with me, pain with me, crazy with me, grow up with me, stay still with me, and pray for me. With a grateful heart, I give thanks to God. We might not be that close anymore when we meet again in the future. Maybe awkward feeling will appear and can’t think of any topic to start the conversation or to continue the discussion but I want everyone that closed to me before to know that when I walk with you, I cherish the time that we used to have together and I have fun.

**Happy going, happy growing**

Friday, April 04, 2008

So this is it then…

The uncertainties have become certain now. The unsure is now become surer and surer. The time is here; the opportunity is just in front of my next steps.

I’ve been struggling, been waiting, been asking and it is here now.

As the day coming closer and closer, I feel excited about it. Happy and joyful continuously come. As the time is here, I began to see the picture. Although my future is unsecured and still filled with uncertainties but with the promise that God is always with me, God is my security who is against me?

Seriously, I’m not afraid in what I’ll meet later on in my life, in where I’ll stayed or what I’ll eat to get myself full but I will face heartache in another step that I will take.

The last thing that I will ask for is to feel what I’m going to feel. The feeling of missing someone so much and yet you can do nothing about it. You can only hear from him/her. Literally only can hear.

My heart grows cold and my appetite will turn down. Although you know it’s just the matter of time and yet it is tough for me. My goose bump will rise up and tears will fall from my cheek non-stop. I hug you to let you know how I feel and I never want to let you go. I will never let go….

**This is it**

Monday, March 24, 2008

Temptation

Recently my department has this keep fit thing going on. Every lunch period we will talk about keeping fit topic such as how to maintain, what not to eat, what to eat, when to eat, when not to eat and so on. I have to admit that I really gain weight and I’ve stop controlling what I ate lately. Maintaining is actually an issue for me. Want me to maintain not eating certain things that’s torturing.

I like chocolate…. Wait…let me rearrange my word. I lovessssss chocolate like mad. There is one year during lent season; I purposely fast for chocolate due to worry that I’ll over addict to it. Well, I’ve successfully done it proudly.

I love chocolate, I love chocolate cake, I love chocolate donut, and I love everything that comes with chocolate. I didn’t realize that I love chocolate so much until a few years back. I started to love chocolate since I was a little girl… as far as I remember, when I was 8 years old I guess. Everything that I choose will always be chocolate. Of course, not those cheap chocolate that taste weird…

For some people, chocolate is a temptation for them. As for me, it’s a luxury. When you ate such an expensive chocolate and you let it melt in your mouth… that moment, you can feel comfort and joy and your stress will all gone for a while. Not forever, but for a while. I guess most of the time I can’t maintain my weight because I love to eat things that will gives extra weight and yet I don’t want to sacrifice it.

You try to look at the picture beside… it is irresistible. How can one man that love this chocolate so much will said no to it.

The worst part is, I will crave for it once a month when my period is around the corner. Terrible??? I think so too….

**Chocolate**

Friday, March 21, 2008

How deep?

It’s another year of Good Friday. Every year of these days, it will be a mourning day. A day where every Christian should remember what God has done for us and should grief for our sin and sorrow for our wrong. In the midst of reminding ourselves, we able to rejoice even more when Sunday comes and Salvation is so real. By His grace, we are who we are today and by His mercy, we are saved.

As for me, I tried to ask myself how much is my love for God. Every time I talk to Him, I’ll tell Him that I love Him. I’ll tell Him that I really love Him that I willing to give up my everything for Him. Today, when the question came into my mind, how much I love Him? Is it giving up my all gives the definition of loving Him so much? If that so, why do I keep giving Him a hard feeling? Could I just give the reason saying that I’m weak and that’s it? I got stuck. How deep is my love? Or how wide could my love go?

Sometimes, love God is so much easier than loving man but there are times as well whereby love man will be much relaxing than loving God.

It’s an opportunity for myself to realize how deep my love can go for Him or how real is my commitment toward Him.

With Him, I learn to love him and with Him, I learn to be willing. Willing to give, willing to take, willing to let go and willing to sacrifice.

In this year of Good Friday, maybe we all can think how deep is your love got Him?

**How deep?**

Monday, March 17, 2008

A grateful one-year

Can’t believe that time flies and it’s been a year that we walk through the journey of being together. I thank God for his grace and mercy for what both of us have gone through. It is only God and us know how we feel when the first year has reached and there are many more years to come.

Every season in our life, we’re together. With a willing or unwilling heart, we promise to be there, to hold on and to endure. Love is never an easy lesson to learn and yet with him, I learn the meaning of unconditional love and I learn how much God has loved me. With a promise that He will not leave me, I promise I will not leave Him also. With this, I learn to love man with absolute love.

We might not get a secured promise from man that they will never change, but originally, security is from God and not from man. Maybe things will change but when I have the opportunity to love and care with my all, I did my best to care and love. That I will not regret in the future.

I cherish, I treasure, I appreciate

**Thank God for the 1st year**

Monday, March 10, 2008

The excitement of our new church

Yesterday we have our Consecration Service in our new church, new building, Faith Christian center. I could not explain how we all felt when the service started, the hymn is sung and music played, people clapping hands with joy in their heart and face. Gratefully we praise and worship Him.

After a long period of giving, struggling, finding, looking, longing…. It is finally here and it is finally done.

The place is awesome. It’s beautiful and magnificent. The cross is shining; people are lifting hands to give Him praise. It’s a marvelous moment, a moment where everyone is longing for.

So happy… we have a beautiful church.

In this gorgeous moment, camera is the only thing you will not bring and yet I forgot to bring my camera after I charge the battery the day before. Doink***

**Excited**

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Quarrel

Quarrel will happen when differences opinion are given, support and trust are no longer within them and win or lose is a big matter.

Couples separated due to misunderstand, broke up due to ego and heart broken due to uncompromising. What make a couple last for 50 years and yet they still can bear with one another? What make couple continue to support each other although they might not believe in it? What make them to stay committed? Money? Sex? Or power?

As for me, I’ll say because of God. God is love. So, we learned to love. In journey of learning to love, costs that were paid are uncountable. Patients that have been given are unlimited. Times that they’ve spent are nothing can substitute it. Moment of being together is irreplaceable. Memories will always be a last thing you want to let go.

Love is never easy and yet God never stop loving us. Why should we stop loving?

Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes
Always perseveres.
Love never fails.


**The greatest of all is Love**

Monday, March 03, 2008

Lost

Recently, I felt bored with life. I don’t know why. Seems like everything I did is not right, not useful, not interesting…. I wonder why. I felt bored watching drama series at home; bored with eating the same old meal, same old stall, bored with doing what I am doing now no matter in church or in my work place. I just don’t feel like it. What had happen? I’m still wonder….

Lost of passion? Lost of vision? Or lost of direction?

Am I tired? I am tired of waiting. I am tired of pending but there is nothing much I can do. Since I’ve wait and wait so long, what else do I expect?

Am I tired of serving? I guess I am…

Maybe I don’t feel what people around me are feeling. I did try to find the same feeling and yet I couldn’t get the right sense.

Lord, I’m sorry… I just don’t feel what everyone else is feeling.

**Lost**