Monday, December 31, 2007

It’s another one year…

One fine day, as I read back my blog, arranged the photo, memories flies around. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of laughter, lots of joy, lots to give thanks, lots I’ve learn, lot of break through in the journey of life and lots of up and down.

In the beginning of the year, I cut my hair… as a sign of new start, new begin, new chapter of life. I guess I’m not going to do that again this year. Our previous cell group has grown larger and larger. From only a few kitten to about 12 peoples. We all have a wonderful time when we used to be that big. Although a bit difficult to manage a lot and care for all of them, there is always something we cannot deny is that, we have terrific time together. Although now left only 5 of us… we still have fun and deeper sharing.

Later on, I went back to my hometown for Chinese New Year celebration. Happily I meet up old friends, spend time with my parents and we have fun there and I went to my friend wedding as well. The first time I spend Valentines Day alone after so many years. Indeed, I feel good, spent my time with Grace and Mic Mic, get a bouquet of Ferrero Rocher from Grace as my Valentines Day gift and also two sunflowers from Danny and Timothy. I guessed spent valentines alone is not that bad after all. I didn’t expect that going back to the place I born will actually tears my heart apart. Most of the place I go, past memories came back to me, scene by scene, places by places. Although its pain going back and seeing all these memories again but God is always good. God knows where I’ve started it and He knows where I should end it. In that place, I surrender and settled what I should give it to God and not carrying it myself.

The breakthrough for me this year was, I went to Genting Highlands alone. I can’t believe that I’ve did it but in fact, I did. One of the biggest fears for me last time is that, being alone. I don’t like to be alone or stay alone. I will feel very lonely. I challenged myself to be alone and went to a place that I’m not familiar with and stay alone and spend time with God alone. It is a good experience and I’ve learn a lot in this trip. Not only that I enjoy of being alone and spending time alone, I find back myself and I find back my focus in life.


Continuously… I started to have feeling for someone else. Started to pray and think about him more and more each day. Started to care for him little bit more and more and without my realization, we’ve fall in love with each other more and more each day. And here is it, I’m in a new relationship. He is special, he is a gift from God, he is cute and I just love and feel comfortable to be with him.
In the middle of the year, we have family camp in our church and we spend 3 nights 4 days in peace heaven near Genting Highlands. This was a great camp. I personally learn a lot about the doctrine of God and live life out with faith. We have this game called games of life. Throughout this game, everyone learned their lesson. From this camp, I able to experience how crushed I was past years and how God has slowly picked me up and mould me to become who He want me to be in the future.

This year, I went to 3 weddings. It’s good to see people getting married. It’s a beautiful occasion with many happy faces and beautiful dresses.

I went to Terengganu for relaxing trip around June…

Parents are here and bringing them around. Have fun spending time with them.

However, 2007 has been a fruitful year for me. Been to many places, learn to relax myself, learn to love, learn to accept, learn to give, learn to share, learn to be a listener and learn to be quiet.

Early of this year, I walked the journey of silence. Whereby no one knows, no one understands and I find myself in the wilderness alone. I prayed, but it was not listened. I cried, but no tear was shed. Most of the time, I’ve been struggling and struggling, waiting and waiting. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. Have no idea what I’m struggling about. I choose to endure, I choose to be patient. It takes time to know… and time makes it clearer for me.

Can’t believe that it’s been a year…. I’ve breakthrough… transition period… break down period and stand up period…

I’m excited for next year. It will be another challenging year. Last day of year 2007, with a grateful heart, I give thanks and I count my blessing. Good or bad, it’s from God. Good or bad, I give Him praise. Sorrow or joy, give Him praise. Success or fail, I give Him praise. For He deserve all of our praise. Thank you Lord for this whole year…

**2007**

Friday, December 28, 2007

:)

There is something very special about music. Music can lead you back to the past. Not like back to the future but music can bring you back the moment where you’ve forgot how it feels like. Sometimes, when you heard specific songs, you’ll remember vividly the whole situation such as the moment, the feelings, the atmosphere, the conversation and so on. I guessed that’s the beauty of music.

Some songs will means something to someone while some songs will be their nightmare. As I’m listening to one of the Hillsongs, it leads me back to the place where I thought I’ve forgotten. I still remember clearly why I love that song so much. I guessed I’ve changed. That song no longer in my favorite list.

After not talking to him face to face for almost one and a half year, I thought it will be weird when we talked back. I guessed it’s not that bad after all. We have this opportunity to meet last night and we acted normal so as our conversation. Not a very long conversation but I’m glad that it proves that we can still be friends. I thought I can face him no more for the rest of my life, I was wronged.

God is always good. He knows when the right time is. He knows when is the right time for us to meet and become friends again. I’m happy and so is he. At last, it’s settled.
So as my heart and my emotion.

**:)**

New building


22.12.07 – The first Saturday night service in FCC new building.
I’m excited and I have fun helping around. Although not much visual memories are captured but those who went to help will agreed with me that we have fun and have fellowship.
The building nice, the room is medium size, can’t really fit in all and we are looking for the sanctuary to be done and have our worship there.
New Year coming, new building ready… next year, will be an excited year.

**New Building**

Thursday, December 27, 2007

It’s the last day of the old building


Every one of us in FCC is very excited for this new church. After a few years of praying and giving, at last… we have our own building. We are moving to our new building. I, myself is very excited for this new building that belong to us. It’s really a very meaningful moment whereby the values are undefined. Money couldn’t buy these moments. Every one of us prayed and gives thanks to God for his grace and mercy.

I sat there, memories flash back… giving thanks to God and with a grateful heart; I started to count my blessing. People around me take pictures to try to grab the moment so that they’ll remember and hope that they will always remember this moment. This is life… not about riches and power... It’s about the moment. Where you’ll stop the time to think and give thanks.

Mixed feeling is all I can feel. Happy… sad… excited… fearful…grateful…
Happy coz we’re moving forward… sad coz I have to push myself to move forward, my past will be my past… excited coz there will be more to do, more to learn, more to serve… fearful coz I scared I couldn’t give the best to Him… grateful coz He is faithful… never leave us no matter how poor and how suffer we are.

Can’t wait for this new building and in the other hand, it’s sad to let go what we used to have in the old building. In this church, I grown, I shaped, I molded, I learned, I enjoyed, I endured, I become stronger and I’m clearer.
With everything that we have, we give thanks.

**FCC, the best place to be**

Monday, November 26, 2007

24.11.07


A beautiful day….

Wake up at 8.15am… feel excited. Will they come early? Should I prepare now? What should I do now? What’s the first thing I need to prepare?

Give Grace a phone call and asked her who else will be ushering later? Sms a few people, to make sure they reach on time.

Get myself ready for a bath, do mask, get my hair done, jewelry on, make up on and prepare to go out. With an excited heart I prayed to God. Saying good morning to Him… Telling Him this is the day… it’s a beautiful day. Pray that everything will be smooth and I can do the best for them. Pray also that I able to enjoy myself and have fun.

Reach church 10.00am, went around searching for Grace. Wait for the rest of the usher to come and start briefing them what to do. Everyone look pretty and the groom looks happy. With his best suit, he gives the best smile.

Relative started to come… fellowshipping around. I heard lots of laughing and lots of sharing. They enjoy themselves and so do us that help around and rush around just to make things better.

It’s 10.45am, the groom prepared himself. He stood in front of the altar, facing pastor and wait for his bride. We get people sat down and prepare ourselves for the bride.

Clock tick 11.15am, the bride is here. She looks beautiful and I told her that she looks awesome. The wedding march start to played, she holds her father hand and walk down the aisle like a princess.

Everyone stood up… give their smile to her and from their eyes, they tell her that she’s beautiful.

The wedding service started…. Piano was played… people singing songs to give thanks to God. God’s word was read out by the groom sister’s, sermon was preached, they vowed before each other and before God, exchanged of wedding rings, the groom kissed the bride and they are pronounced as husband and wife.

Tears in my eyes, joy in my heart… after a long journey of being together, they’ve finally married. I understand how it feels and I know how happy they are. After 10 years, they finally married. I’m extremely happy.

After the wedding, we have our own fun too… taking picture around, hang out together and fellowship with one another.

Congratulation Desmond and Flora…. May God’s love be with you guys that the love for one another will get deeper and deeper as you guys spend everyday together and grow old together.

** So happy for them**

Monday, November 12, 2007

Love the giver, not the gift

It’s been a while that I’ve stopped the habit of dropping things down because most of the time I have no word from my mind. I have bunch of feelings and the feelings flying here and there and yet I just couldn’t find a word to express what I wanted to said or feel.

Today, I have a few words that I would love to drop it down. Love the giver not the gift. Unconsciously, I’ve love the gift more than I love the giver. I’ve sees my gift more important than I sees the giver. I thought that this is what He wants me to do, but He asks me to let go. For it is not my will but His be done.

Maybe I’ve stop the habit of writing too long, I have difficulties in finding words.

From that day onward, I see things more clearly, I know the time that I’ve waited is not wasted and I know things will be more and more excited. I know why, I know how and I know which stand I should stand.

Again, after all… May Your will be done in my life.

**Love the giver, not the gift**

Friday, October 19, 2007

Changes

I believe that everyone hate changes. No matter small changes or big changes, we just hate it. Change of plan, change of lifestyle, change of practice culture, and change of anything… I hate it.

Recently, I’ve been through another transition period again. I hate transition period but out of control, I just have to face it because with all these kind of transition moment, I learned to be a better person, a stronger person and a mature person.

Life has been different since a bigger us separate into a smaller us. Life has been different; circle of friends has been different, focus has been different. The way of sharing has been dissimilar as well. Hmm… should I say expected? If I’ve not expected, I wonder why I cried so hard last time?

I believe that one of the tough things that people will agreed with me is to maintain certain thing or certain relationship. Maintaining is tough. To keep everything warm and just as the way it is is tough. Anyhow, this is not one-way street and we are not living in as island all by ourselves. We’re living in a world filled with special people – special people that are so unique that ones you lost it, you will never find them back. Everything comes with two ways. Give and take.

I tried so hard to keep things the way it is and to keep everything and everyone warm. But last night, I realize that I’m only an ordinary lady living in an ordinary room with an ordinary lifestyle together with my ordinary boyfriend worshipping our extraordinary God. Yes, I did mention that everyone is special. I didn’t say I’m not special. I am special too and so as my boyfriend.

What I wanted to say is that, I’m tired because I’m just a human. Trying to stop everything is really out of my ability. It’s like, me… just a small me trying to stop the world from turning. This is impossible.

Last night, I realize that I am weak again. That I need my strong God and I need Him to be magnify. Be magnify my Lord, that I can overcome this transition period and I able to see you again.

An interesting book of life that closing a chapter soon and will open another chapter again. May God be with me.

**Changes**

Today's prayer

Lord, grant me grace throughout this day
To walk the straight and narrow way,
To do whatever in Thy sight
Is good and perfect, just and right.
Amen

**Today's prayer**

Sunday, October 14, 2007

My Raya days…

Selamat Hari Raya for those who celebrate their Raya and happy holidays for those who celebrate holidays. I’m the one that celebrate the holidays. Well, holidays suppose to be a fun and excited moment for working people. I look forward to these days so much. If I’m not mistaken, I started to plan this coming holidays around June 07. Low and behold, I spend most of my holidays at home. House mate went back to hometown, boyfriend working, best friend busy accompany someone else….

Last Friday, my company gave us bonus leave. So, I have one day bonus leave. From Friday onward, I started to stay at home till today. It’s bored but interestingly, I almost manage to finish 40 episode hong kong drama series. With nothing to do at home, I guess watch drama is something that I can do and I can learn from.

About this drama series, it’s about a big family that is so rich. As normal story line, rich family will always have two wives. One is a kind wife, while the other one is an evil wife. Like always, the evil one is always the one with many plans that try to take all the family properties.

With this kind of storyline, there are lots of morals and things that can reflect in our life so that we can learn. As for me, there are several things that I will thank God for after I watched this drama series.

Thank God that I am not from a rich family. With all the wealth, many problems will occurs. I thank God that I don’t have a rich family boyfriend too. With great wealth, always come great responsibilities. That is why, God is always fair.

Anyhow, that’s my few days holiday. A bit boring, lots of waiting, lots of watching hong kong drama series and spend some time with God. That’s my Raya days…

**My days**

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Cute

God You make me smile (Hillsong kids)

Verse 1:
God You make me smile as I look to You
And I never thought life could be so cool
I'm so free to be me

Verse 2:
We're a generation who will live for You
Nothing's gonna stop us from loviong You
We believe in Jesus

Pre-Chorus:
Life is fun, and I'm so happy You're my friend and King

Chorus:
I raise my hands to praise Your Name
I am not ashamed, praise Your Name, Jesus



A very cute song. If you imagine all the kids sing this song with their cute expression, not only God make them smile, they make God smile too. It’s just so cute.

I like this song… Simple, meaningful and cute for kids.


**Cute**

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Faith like child



Many times in life, I forget how to trust fully and have faith like child. It always brings God a smile when kids prayed. From the below picture, I know why. Even I myself will also have a good laugh about how naïve and how true they are.

Being kids is always the best part in life. You don’t have to hide, don’t have to fake and no one will judge your motive because you’re just a kid. Being genuine is what kids will do.

Like I said, growing up is pain. There are many choices, many decisions to make. I pray for faith like child. For a child will trust fully and will not doubt because they know who loves them the most.

**Faith like child**

Waiting...

These two weeks, my time seems to be slow. I wonder why. Works still have loads and loads to do. Books still have tons and tons to read and the time seems to be slightly slower. I guess all the while, I’ve been waiting. Wait for someone to come home and to be with me, wait for myself to be happy, wait for time to get things done, wait for friends to have fellowship together, wait for financially to be staple and the lists goes on.

It’s always about choices… yes I know. I choose to be happy and I choose to be myself. In fact, I choose to become someone better. Better than myself. But recently, I feel that what I should do, I’ve did it. What’s next?

I don’t believe that life will stuck in some where and you started to ask what’s next. I guess, I started to realize it now and I started to ask, what’s next?

I know my next step and I’m walking my next step. The things that frustrated me the most I guess should be waiting. I wait and wait and wait. Wait for loves one, wait for future, wait for myself, and even wait for God. Now, I know what the true meaning of waiting is.

Do you have any idea what am I trying to said? When I read back…I don’t know what I want to express as well. But I know God understand how I feel. Everyday, I wait for Him, everyday, He shape me to become someone He want me to be. I guess now, I’m waiting for myself. So complicated and yet, writing it down is always the best choice.

May God help me to wait as I wait faithfully and patiently.

**Wait with faith**

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I’ve been lazy

I’ve been very lazy lately. Anyhow, no matter how lazy am I, I still clean my room twice a week. Well, I guess I am lazy in different area then.

I’m lazy to read books, lazy to sleep (sleep also lazy, what happen to me?), lazy to work, lazy to pray, lazy to talk, lazy to type blog, lazy to be hardworking and the lists goes on.

It’s been awhile that I left this blog of mine. Well, I guess after I finish typing all these lazy things out, I have to pick myself up again and work things out.

Today is 2nd October. Another 3 months, we’ll have another new year, 2008. I better prepare myself for 2008 coz I’m getting old. There is lots of stuff I want to do and I want to achieve. Weakness, lazy… May God have mercy on me and strengthen me again.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

God’s love

God’s love is like wind. We cannot see wind but we can feel it. When we let go of the feather, we see how the feather being blow away. At the same time, we feel God’s love.

**God’s love**

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

It's just a job

A very common statement, “It’s just a job”. Some people give almost all their lives and time for their job and career. Whereby me, I would like to remind myself again that my job, is just a job. I need not to put so much emotions, feelings and effort in certain things that are not worth.

I’m not saying that I will not do my best in my job. I will still give the best, perform the best for God’s glory but I am learning not to take things seriously and not to take things personally. Anyhow, it’s just a job. No one will care about someone health in a business world but they will care, are the things done. No one will care how you feel today but they will care, have you give all your best to your responsibilities. A cruel and materialistic world and this is the real world. Want to remind Jenny Liau again, welcome to the real world.

For my life is not only about work, but also about glorifying God’s glory. Lord, may you guide my path and protect my heart. Let everything that I do for your glory.

**It’s just a job**

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Growing up is pain

I still remember how I wished I were an adult when I was a kid last time. Everything will be fun and happy when I’ve grown up because I can buy whatever I want without permission and I can go wherever I want without permission too. While I’m still growing, I don’t think that way anymore.

When you’re younger, you wish you could grow up faster. But when you are getting older and older each day, you wish you could become younger again like last time. How nice it was when you can play whatever you like and eat whatever you like without thinking about management, time, finance, and reality. If a mom stops her kids from playing, her kids know that they still can have fun tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Whereby as for grown up people, commitment and responsibilities is always around us.

Tough decision has to made, battle each day to get joy and purpose in life, work hard just to earn some pennies where we get scolded almost everyday and we have to endure unnecessary stress.

Growing up is painful and it’s scary. Responsibilities getting heavier and heavier each day, commitment become an issue, parents, superior, friends expect more and more from you just because you’ve grown up. They expect you to be mature, handle things well and have excellent attitude.

How I wish I can be as naïve as a child again but I know it will never happen.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
1 Corinthians 13:11


With this reason, i pray that God will guide my path and my heart that each day, i'll bring glory to You. Amen.

**Process of growing up**

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Family gathering

The clock shows 4.30am, my mom woke me up saying that it’s already 4.30am now. Have to get up and prepared. My body was weak. I dragged myself up, washed my face and started to take their luggage and went to airport together with them.

Arrived LCCT 5.40am. Checked-in together with them, direct them to which gate to go in later. Hug them and said goodbye.

Again I wake up from my sleep after sending them to airport. This time, the clock shows 8.15am. Oh man… it’s time to wake up and prepare to work again. After one week periods of relaxing and accompany my parents, it’s time to step back to reality and to work for living.

The first feeling came heavily when I woke up is awful, the feeling of missing someone badly. I don’t like this kind of feeling. It’s torturing. I miss them badly and I don’t feel like working. This is really terrible and I hate this kind of feeling so much. I prayed… pray hard that God will take it away and pray that God will take care of them.

It’s been one week. One week of enjoying, quarrelling, argument, relaxing and fellowshipping. Four of us enjoy the time being together although argument occurred but we thank God for His blessing, protection, love and wonderful time we have spend with one another. I thank God that I have this opportunity to bless them and to share the days together.

I miss them… miss them badly. :(

In this whole trip, God reminded me again how much He loves us, how graceful He is and how much He has bless our whole family. I able to experiences family noisiness, laughter from my mom, dad and my sister’s faces, spend time with my sister, listen to them and answered to their questions with patient and love. Learn to love them again and bear with their weaknesses because they never complain about me before. Accept and love them as who they are in my life. There is nothing more meaningful than spending the time together as a family to remind each other that we don’t have riches or gold, but we have each other because we are family. No matter what happen, we are one family, we will support and love one another. (This of course include my little brother and aunt in Sabah)

**A great trip**

01.09.2007

It’s been a year....

I can’t believe that times flies really fast. It’s been a year. A year ago, I experienced life most heart broken and most pain experience. It hurt me badly for both physical and mentally, so as emotionally.

I still remembered how pain I was, how disturbed my soul was. How lost and how broken I was. I guess, I’ll never forget. Everyone told me, this is life… journey of life. You have to go through this. That moment, I don’t even understand why life has to go through this. Every time I am alone, tears fall without realization. Every morning when I wake up, things around is cold, so as my heart. I can’t even find one reason for myself to smile and to continue to have the courage to face my day.

A year later, I know why. I understand what life is, what life journey is. I understand why I should be broken in order to be whole. I also experienced life and God more than ever. There are things that I can’t see no matter how many people told me or try to help me to see the whole thing, whereby now, God let me see it on my own. The feeling is weird. There are things I knew it all the while. But I never really know it until I experience it.

One whole year… From someone that has the biggest fear change into someone that hangs on to God and always trust in Him. I remembered vividly how hurt I was. I also remembered how glorious God is that he brought me over the darkness and let me see His rainbow, His promise one’s again.

Well, this is life… Enjoy trails, overcome difficulties and become a better person - For The Lord is always with us

**One year of grateful**

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Judge too fast?

Human nature, judgmental spirit. Who are we to judge? Unfortunately, that is what comes automatically when we failed to control it ourselves. Not only that we will judge through first impression, we will judge when things doesn’t goes the way we’ve planned, or when things doesn’t go on what we’ve expected. Even a short conversation a gang of peoples has could occur unnecessary judgments.

What’s wrong with people? Why must we judge and jump into conclusion so fast without understanding the whole story and without giving some chances for someone to explain? Is it fair? How nice it would be if everyone willing to wear peoples shoes and walk their pain and understand their feeling.

There is an incident when I realize I judged too fast. I didn’t even notice it until Danny asked me, why you judge him? Then I start giving excuses and try to blame whatever I can or try to pull him over to stand on my side so that he’ll agree with me. Well, that never really works because normally, his stands are quite strong. So, I end up apologizing for being a judgmental person.

From that incident, I realize how fast I can judge one person without even pass through my mind. It’s just like a pain reflected. I see how wicked is my sinful nature and how weak am I. May God forgive me and give me His wisdom to walk with Him everyday of my life.

Are you judging people around you too fast too that cause them have no space to improve? Why not stop and give them a chance to explain and to understand before any judgmental words come out from your mouth?

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
James 1: 19-20


**Judgmental spirit, human nature**

PMS

Most of the girls will have the same hatred when it comes to PMS that is the swinging of emotion. Emotions swing like crazy and with no reason, weight gain, pimples, stress, craving for something sweet and swelling of breast. Out of the sudden, there could be tears dropping down your cheek or when you watch comedy, you laugh until you cry.

I hate it so much too that I have to face it every month. My boss would said that, don’t take it as an excuses. Well, I do agree it anyhow but sometimes it really driving me crazy.

Like just now, I am kind of down when Danny open the door and said goodbye to me and then the door closed. At that moment, I am down and hope that he will open the door again but I know it will not happen. On the next moment, when I sit down in front of the pc and start to play games or do my work, I feel better. In fact, I’m glad to be alone because I can do things that are pending for months. So, you can see how fast my emotion can change and how swing it can go.

At the same time, I can cry and then I wipe all my tears away and said I’m ok. Hmm…. I am considering, am I still normal?

Some people will agree that emotion can control. As long as you want to control it, everything also can be controlled. How true is this statement? Basically, I do have the same point of view saying that we can control our emotion as long as your will is strong enough to control it. The problem is how many people will want to control it? Media will teach us to go with our heart and feelings. But how true is your heart and feeling? Could it cheat you? Maybe it’s fake…

Anyhow, I should be lying down now. Or else, I really get a more swing feelings than today.

**Feeling? How true it can goes?**

Monday, August 27, 2007

Fruitful weekend

Sometimes, people will forget how they should feel, especially for me, this kind of forgetful person.

I’ve forgotten how it feels when my love one gives me a gift out of sudden. Forgot how it feels when I’ll meet my parents soon after a long period of missing them and not seeing them. Forgot how it feels when people rebuke me in front of my face about how wrong and how pride is I. Forgot how much God loved me and how big is His grace for me. Forgot the feeling of relief after a cry and there is someone there to hug me when I shed my tears. Sometimes, I get blur all the way and not consider much about feelings and emotions. And I’ve forgotten how fast time flies and how much time I’ve wasted. But no matter how much I neglect feeling and emotion, they are still in me that cause me think much and doubt more. May God have mercy on me.

Last weekend, I get to experience it all again. I get to feel how it feels when someone showed the ugliest of my nature, how much God has forgave me and always give a another changes, how much God love me and how wonderful in His grace. How foolish am I when I thought that I did everything with my own strength.

I also experience how grateful and joyful am I when I get a small gift from the person that I matter and love so much out of expectation and out of the blue. An excited heart to meet my parents soon, a wonderful sermon by pastor to remind me how much my friends has helped me when I was down and how important are they and a great time to have fellowship with them. I have a fantastic time with friends that I don’t get to see every week and great time also with friends that I get to see everyday week. A short weekend but a fruitful weekend that I get back what I suppose to feel in certain moment of life.

**Feel good when the weekend is fruitful**

Thursday, August 23, 2007

No word

Sometimes, the more you try to find topic to update in your blog, the more you couldn’t dig one topic from your mind.

I able to dig a few but every time I start to write it into words, I get stuck after a few minute. I guess I have to start read and read tons of books to get feelings into word and to get word out of my mind and heart.

Recently, I’ve been busy with working life and church ministry. Wait a minute… I always busy with works and serving. Work never ends until you retired, serving God never finished until you meet Him face to face. Overall, it’s a busy day, busy month and busy year. No matter how busy I am, I will always try to remind myself to spend time with people around me. To freeze for a while just to focus back what life really matter and what life is all about. Is it only about busyness? Only about love? Only about getting things done? It’s good to freeze yourself from time just to find out what really happen inside you.

**No word **

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Waiting...

Some people have a lot of patient in waiting for certain people or certain thing or even certain answer. On the other side, some people will get frustrated easily ones you require him/her to wait for certain things for one minute.

Last Monday, I have this opportunity to taste it on my own. I have to wait for Danny phone until late at night. One’s he called me, I was like…at last…you called. He asked me, why you sound so happy and excited in this hour? Normally, you will so feel exhausted. Today you sound glad. I answered him, “I have no idea. Maybe after a long wait, lastly my effort is not wasted.”

As I thought back about the situation I realize that all the while, God has been faithfully waiting for us to talk to Him everyday of our life. Everyday, God waited patiently, faithfully. When we just spare 5 or 10 minutes to talk to Him, there will be a smile on His face.

After a long wait, we manage to chat for 10 to 15 minutes only. Although it’s just a short period of time, but both of us are happy. I believe that if everyday, we willing to spend some time with God, God will be so happy.

In this incident, he reminds me how He feels when He waits for me everyday to update Him. Although a short period of time, He will feel happy.

**God is faithful**

Monday, July 30, 2007

What if?

Last night, Danny and I have this “what if” discussion. Well, it’s not really a discussion. It’s more a story telling by him. He asked me, have you ever though about what your life will be if in the beginning, you choose something else instead of the life that you have now? I answered him, hmm…. I never really thought about it because since I was a small kid, people around me taught me that my life is in God’s hand and He has everything in control and He has a plan for me. Basically, I never thought what if this or what if that. I have the mind set of God already has everything planned well.

Later on, he continued his story. He ponders around about what his life will be if in the beginning he chooses TARC instead of APIT? According to him, he might not come to FCC, might not know Christ and might not accept Him as his personal savior, might be a gangster that still hang around finding the purpose of life, might not know all his friends and might not know me and further down our relationship.

Today, as usual, I wake up early, prepare myself to work and talk to God for a while. Normal working moment while I keep my media player on with a song title, You’re everything to me by Avalon. That’s a nice song. Shortly, my mind started to wonder around and I think back what we’ve discussed last night. What will my life be if I don’t have God? If I don’t have my church friends? What will my life be if in the beginning, I choose to stay in Sabah instead of coming to KL? What will my life be? Will I stop growing in maturity in my spiritual life and my thought? Will I still be my parent’s baby? Will I still hang out with the same group of people? Will I regret of choosing to stay in Sabah? I never know what my life will be if I choose to stay in Sabah last time. I think that if I don’t have God in my life, I will be lost and living in a life that have no purpose and meaning at all.

I never know what my life will be if I choose to stay in Sabah last time. I will never know what my life will be if God is not the center of me. But I rather not to try this experience. The biggest fear that I have, not about insect or animal, but when I don’t have God with me, looking at me each day and giving me His everlasting love. The biggest fear that I have is that, when I wake up, I release that God is not with me. Anyway, I know this will not happen because God is always with me. J This is what He has promised.

Everything happened for a purpose, a reason. We’ll never know what is the reason until we step in and trust God. Step by step, He will let us see things clearer. Life darkest time happen so that you can see God brightest light that lead you over where there is rainbow waiting for you.

** Everything happen for a reason **

Monday, July 23, 2007

All for Him

Yesterday is the last day that I practice dance together with the Chinese team as they are going to Labuan and Beafort this coming Wednesday. Throughout this whole one month plus, I learn a lot of things from them and from a Chinese culture point of view. Today, I strict them to dance properly, filled with passion and concentration, and to stressed them to dance the best for God. Indeed, they did a very good job for Him. I am so happy and satisfied. As I always encourage them, we serve God, is not about the skills or talents…. But it’s all about the heart. So, I don’t really care how many talents or gift that one person has. If he or she don’t have any talents but he or she have this heart to dance for God, I believe God will used him or her, and I willing to spare time to train him or her up with patient. After all, this is what I’ve been called to do. God sees our heart. If God can use me for His kingdom, why can’t He use you for His kingdom? After all, I am no body in front of Him.

Talked about the matter of heart, today when I witness their rehearsal, God reminded me a lot of things. At first, He reminded me the issue about serving Him with our heart. Many of them are nobody; not a skillful people or a celebrity but God remind me that, what he wants from us is not our talents but our heart. A pure and faithful heart, a righteous and willing heart to be used by Him. If we compare the event that held outside the church, maybe it’s not as good quality as it should be. But if God want to choose, He would choose a humble servant that gives all the glory to Him and not to themselves alone.

I see great people with great vision and with a big heart that willingly used by God. I prayed that this trip of theirs, they able to impact people’s life and lift His name up high.

Secondly, God reminded me how much he care and love me. From the drama that they performed title, Fathers love. Again, I rededicate myself to my heavenly father and I said I’m sorry that I’ve hurt Him a lot. He never gives up and never stops loving me. I prayed that I would only love Him the most for the rest of my life because what I gain, is more than what I worth gaining.

**Bring me back**

Friday, July 20, 2007

20.07.2007

When you looked into the calendar, beside 07/07/07 is a beautiful date; 20.07.2007 also consider a beautiful date. Double figure 2007 in one day. Nice? I think it’s beautiful.

What make 20.07.2007 so special? As for me, a day to be reminded how God has bless me and bring me through difficulties that I have to go through and how much I should thank Him and love Him in return.

I’m pleased and grateful for what he has done for me, effort that he has paid, time that he has shared, joy that he brought into my life, sadness that he has shown to let me know him more, knowledge that he learn and teach me with patient, word of encouragement and affirmation to affirm me over and over again and love that he has given to prove me with every deed that he work things out.

People said that the beginning of everything is filled with passion. I prayed that this passion would continue to be strong until eternity.

Guide our heart and mind as we continue to walk in the path that you have for us. May Your kingdom come, Your will be done. Amen.

**20072007**

Thursday, July 19, 2007

A reminded passage

As I watch back the previous chapter of friends (which is my favorites), again I realize that people move on with their life and things are never the same any more no matter how much I wish it will never change.

This few days, I get very disappointed the word “friendship”. As I was thinking this pass few days, what is the true meaning of friendship? What it is? What I’ve done?

I give, I paid, I spend, I loved, and I accepted… what else do you want from me?

Until a point that I told myself, whatever it is… I’ve did my part as a friend. I give up.

I know this sound very sad but I have really run out of idea. I don’t know what else I can do. No matter what I did, everything seems to be wrong. Miscommunication, my fault, I shared, no trust was gain, I loved, being comment as loved blindly. What on earth have I done? Why things that I did, people keep giving me comment that are not from me and yet from their point of view. Have problem with me, discuss with someone else. What is that? I’m tired.

Until today, the words of God remind me again when I read this passage:

For reading & meditation - Proverbs 27:10-16
"Do not forsake your friend '" (v.10)

Stay loyal and loving to your friends as far as you possibly can. I say "as far as you possibly can" because they may commit and continue in some sin - such as adultery - and this demands action by the church as described in Matthew 18.

Discipline may have to be given and you have to be willing to be part of that by withdrawing from that friendship until repentance is demonstrated. Loyalty and love in this case would mean continuing in prayer for your friend - prayer, by the way, that may take hours, not minutes. The opposite of friendship is - isolation.

And how much emotional damage is the result of that? "The world is so empty," said Goethe, "if one thinks only of mountains, rivers, and cities, but to know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us and, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth an inhabited garden." God made us for relationships and it is His will and purpose that we cultivate a circle of friends. Every friend is different. No one has a double in friendship. The more we have, the richer we are. Dr. Lawrence Crabb says, "Every day we ought to move out from our base in the home and say to ourselves: Lord, help me reach out and touch someone deep in their being today, not for the rewards it brings me in terms of good feelings, but for the blessing I can be to them." Jesus lived and acted like this. Perhaps this is why they called Him "the Friend of sinners." He hated sin, but loved the sinner.
Prayer:
Father, one thing is clear - the wise are those who know how to make friends. Guide me in my future days so that in every relationship I may be able to apply some of the principles I have learned. In Jesus' Name. Amen.


From that passage, I repent and ask God to give me strength and patience to love again. What I got from the word of His is, Stay loyal and loving to your friends as far as you possibly can. I know it’s hard but very good relationship bears with pain and hurt. Every good things endure suffering. May God strengthen me again.

**Friends is my thing**

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Dore birthday !!!

Happy Birthday to a lovely brother of us. May God grand you wisdom in your path, love among people around you and health that keep you strong for His kingdom. A nice and funny guy that came all the way from Labuan and speaks three language in one statement. When I listen to what he said, I can only have one word, CUTE. How can people speak all together three languages? Most of the time when he speak with “the labuan gang”, the whole conversation will include, Malay, English and Hakka. Weird right? But I think it’s cute. I am learning that as well… Hihihihi…

One thing that make everyone very happy is that, we’ve successfully throw him into the swimming pool… That is cool.

**Blessed Birthday**

Friday, July 13, 2007

Till we see again

Goodbye my dear friend.

A lovely and kind-hearted guy has just left us to continue his journey in a land that filled with chocolate and liquid. Definitely, I will feel sad because he is one of my closes friends that willing to help me when I need his hand.

I gonna miss him much. It’s kinda weird when I don’t get to see him in church and seeing him bully someone else. Hihihihih…. (Well, he is kind, but he likes to bully people too).

To be frankly, last time I don’t really have good impression about him. First of all, I think that he don’t know how to control his tongue. He talks whatever he wants without words crossing his mind. Slowly, when we get closer and I get to know him more, I knew that God have changed him and we started to give each other a chance to know one another before we jump into a fast conclusion. Well, things came out differently and now I am sad because he will leave us. In fact, it’s a joy because he leave us to do what God has called him to do and I can only prayed that he will touch many people’s life and change theirs life as well.

On 7th July 2007, a meaningful day. Many couple chooses that day to make the biggest decision in life. Congratulate to the new bride and groom, Jean and Sio Yean. At last, they are married. So happy for them. Beside a big day for couple, it’s also a big day for a dear friend of mine because it’s his graduation day. I took one day off to attend his big day because I knew that this mean a lot to him. At first, he got very upset with no one attending his convocation. His parents are not coming, and his cell leader couldn’t make it and he gets very frustrated with it. So, with a kind hearted me, I offer myself to witness this meaningful day of his.

Seeing him prepared himself in the convocation, taking the cert and coming out from the hall, it’s very meaningful and costly. Like this, he has to begin his new journey in working life. Working life is always sucks. Not as pretty as students life. Anyhow, I’m glad that he has successfully done his duty as a student and continues his life with other chapters. Here, I wish him all the best. May God guide his path and be with him. We will surely miss you.

**Never forget me**

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Love with action

Love with action is something that it’s easier to say than do. Well, saying is always the easiest. Last night, I’m being reminded that love is all about action but not the word that come out from someone’s mouth.

Human is not perfect and they come with one package of weakness and strength. When you said that you love someone, you take the whole package of him/her. Good or bad, we bear for one another.

Sometimes, there are only fear and doubt in my mind when something doesn’t seem right. But last night, I’m being reminded again that, I should always remember what he did for me and hold on to it tight enough so that I able to continue to walk in faith with God and to trust him again.

After all, it’s not about word but actions and trust that keep us together.

Lord, courage is what I need as I continue my way and walk closer to your wills. Amen.

**Reminded**

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

After a long break

As I was browsing my blog, I found that I’ve only updated one post on June. Wow… it’s a long break.

All these while, I keep trying to find topic to write in my blog, but when I start with a blank Microsoft word, my mind goes blank too. In additional, I’ve been busy in my working place and personal life.

Well, as for working life, it’s always busy. Responsibilities have added up and sometimes I have to stay until 8pm or bring some work of mine home in order to manage the productivity of my job tasks. To achieve a goal, endurance is all I need.

As for my personal life, it’s always about serving God and having fellowship with my friends. Recently, I’ve been busy practicing and coordinating a dance with a gang of Chinese dancers that prepare themselves for a conference in Labuan. Along the process, to be one of them, I learn something throughout the journey that I walked with them. Some of them, they don’t have dancing background but they have a heart of serving and a heart that willing to learn and to be train. Some of them have dancing background but the submissive heart is a bit reluctant. Anyhow, it never stops me from serving God. After all, it’s all about God’s kingdom. The happiest part of practicing together with them is that, I see a big improvement from them. They really put in effort to dance, and would like to give the best for God and for His glory. This is always the happiest part when you can see someone improve and he/she is getting better and better. The effort that I put, they appreciate, and the effort that they put, I can see and I compliment them.

Hmm… I guess that’s something that I’ve been busy about. Hardly believe that it’s another half year already. Time really flies. Another half year it will be the end of 2007.

July is here. Well, it’s another month that I should sit myself down, and think what I’ve learned in this half-year time. What I’ve achieved and what I want to achieve again. Well, I manage to find a special someone in my life. This special someone, give me joy and laughter. At first, not many people think that it’s a good choice. But anyhow, I’ve make the first step, and it’s my pleasure to continue to walk on my journey with grateful heart and with faith in God. After all, God is in control. All I have to do, is walk with faith and trust in Him.

**Long break**

Be content

Happy Belated Birthday Lydia and Brooke Ann.

Last night my house is pack with peoples. At first, Ka Seng is back from Tawau. So, he’ll be staying at my place for a few days. Plus Lydia and Danny is there. Anyway, both of them are always there. Grace is also there and of course, Brooke is there too coz it’s her birthday. My housemates make soup, and we spend wonderful time together.

It’s been quite some time that our place not as happening as last time. Maybe because everyone is busy and we just can’t find some time to spend some crazy time together.

It’s nice when your house is filled with laughter, filled with joy and screaming here and there. People talking and making noise. You feel that the house is all alive again, and the joy of living is around again.

People playing, laughing, talking and making jokes, having fun. It’s fun.

Many times in our life, due to busyness of working and something else, we lost the fun time. We seldom stop ourselves down and think how wonderful life is. How beautiful laughter is. When you hear people laughing, very naturally, you will feel stress gone and life is fabulous again. I miss this kind of feeling.

After last night, I’m refreshed. I remind myself to give thanks to God and remind myself to count my blessing and be content with what I have. I thank God for peoples around. They color up my life when my life left black and gray in color.

**Contented**

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Happy birthday


Today is my lovely friend / cell leader / mom in the spiritual family birthday. I would like to take this opportunity to wish her happy birthday. May God love her, she get prettier and prettier and she will find joy in her life.

Actually, I try to plan her surprise party but sometimes, we just couldn’t control everything. So, we bought her a cake and try to surprise her other way round. In the end, it still failed. But I saw that she is happy, and we are happy as well.

Talk about happiness, it remind me my wishes for all my friends. There are many times that I try to protect certain people because I love them a lot. I don’t hope that they will end up hurting and sad. I don’t like to see people that matter a lot to me feel sad and down. I will feel sad as well. As long as they are happy, I am happy. As for me, friend rule are only one. If they are happy, I’m happy. All I wish is for them to be happy. Happy with their life.

Today 060607, would like to take this opportunity to tell her that she meant a lot to us. I still remembered vividly every season I spend with her. Seasons of sad, disappointment, happy and crazy, she is there. I thank God that He places her in my life. There was one incident that she has to choose me and someone else to continue to stay in our cell group. At first, I told her that, she should choose the other party because I think that the other party will need you guys more than me. In the end, she chooses me. I was so happy because I can still be with my family now. Every little thing that our whole cell group had been through before really meant a lot to us. I guessed it mean even more to her as well because she paid more than anyone else, give more than anyone else and love unconditionally.

Well, I can say that she is good. Good enough to teach us and rebuke us. Ya, no one is perfect but in this family of mine, I learn to accept who they are and love them with God’s love. Together we continue to share Jesus and touch lives.

I love her a lot…. I pray that she has a wonderful life and she will continue to love God and love us. She is not perfect, but we love her for who she is.

People said, true friend are hard to find… I thank God that I found a few. Forever or not is not my option but I appreciated every time I am there with them.

**Friends forever**

Sunday, May 27, 2007

It hurt God

Many times in life, you get so many weird things, things that you never thought and never expect before. My heart is in pain now. I think God’s heart is even more ache. Some people can throw down their principle, their faces or even their self respect just because of a sum of money. Some even throw away their times and relationships because of an amount of money.

Money…

Is that really matter to you that you rather throw away your self respect? Where is your self respect and principle?

People willing to do anything just for the sake of 5K. Is that worth? For some people, maybe it worth more than word can say because of their financial crisis. But if you already have enough, why would you do such a thing? Out of greediness? Out of pride? Out of desire?

For it is written in Matthew 6.24, No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

It is also written in 1 John 2:15, Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

If such a person willing to have this heart to go after God’s heart, it is a joy.

Lord, have mercy on us

**Heartache**

Friday, May 25, 2007

Enjoy my day

Is such a refresh if every month you can calm yourself down and just to be with yourself. Spend some time to be alone, stay at home doing nothing or do the things that you like and watch the movie that you enjoy. After came down from Genting, I never really have a period of time for myself. Most of the time, I spend it with someone else. Went out to dinner, movie, fellowship, and church activities. Instead of busy life, I choose to calm myself down and spend some time with myself for two days. This is good… I feel refresh again. Know what I want in my life and who should I be with.
In these few weeks of busy agenda, I seldom spend time with my dear housemate. Not only I have busy plan because she has her busy period as well. So, we talk less; spend time of being together less. Ya, I know… we stay together. But most of the time, either she will not be at home while I’m home or the other way round. When we spend less time together, things seems to go the other way round than we imagine. Or maybe I’ve move on to the next chapter of life while people around me still assume that I am in the previous chapter. I know changes take time and it will need a lot of times as well.

Last night, I have a wonderful time with her again. Just to be with her, talk non-sense, eat together, be with one another and enjoy the time of being together. I have a good time with her. We talked and talked and talked and eat and laugh and encourage and be together. I’m always grateful that God sent her into my life. In fact, she gives a big impact in my life. I love her for who she is and she appreciate me as who I am. We love each other so much. Thank you for being with me and walk with me. I love you. Let's do that again.

**Refreshed**

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Today's Word

Loving Out The Fear
by Jon Walker

All of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. (1 Peter 3:8 NLT)

God enables us to love the fear out of one another.

We drive fear from our families and friends by loving one another so supportively that every one feels safe inside the group (1 John 4:18). This safety allows us to bring our humanity into the open, including all our pain and joy, our ups and downs, our victories and defeats.

It means you give to others the same uncommon safety Christ gives you – to be real, to be sad, to be messed up and confused, yet to be loved.

God challenges us to create a Christ-community where we love like our lives depend upon it (1 Peter 1:22) and where we can each “live and move and have our being.” (Acts 17:28)

We’re to weep as one and celebrate as one, caring for each other equally (1 Corinthians 12:25-26) as we comfort and confront, warm and warn, cherish and challenge within an atmosphere of supportive safety.

Loving the fear out of each other requires that we develop:

Tender hearts – We give support to each other because God gives us support, and we’re to encourage others with the encouragement we receive from him. (2 Corinthians 1:4) In the New Testament, the word ‘support’ can literally mean “to increase one another’s potential.” (Romans 14:19 NJB) We strengthen one another by extending love, instead of fostering fear, and we do that by offering relationships that are safe and sympathetic.

Humble minds –True humility focuses on the worth of others. We understand our value in Christ, and we understand that God shapes each of us for a unique purpose.

Godly eyes – Loving the fear out of our family and friends – in fact, loving the fear out of the world – means we see others for what they can be, not for what they appear to be now. Jesus called Peter a rock when the fisherman was still acting on impulse (Matt. 16:18), and God called Gideon a mighty man of courage when he was hiding from the enemy among piles of grain. (Judges 6:11-12) God calls us to encourage and affirm each other (1 Thessalonians 5:11), seeing those around us in terms of their purpose and mission in life.


So what?

· God enables us to love the fear out of one another. You can love the fear out of others, and you can allow the fear to be loved out of you.

· We exhibit tender hearts when we say to one another:
· It’s OK to have a bad day.
· It’s OK to be tired.
· It’s OK to admit your mistakes.
· It’s OK to say your marriage is failing.
· It’s OK to confess your addiction.
· It’s OK to share you’re scared.
· It’s OK to want a day away from your toddler.
· It’s OK to grieve this loss.
· It’s OK to doubt, to be confused, to cry.

· We exhibit humble minds when we say to one another:
· It’s OK to be happy you got a new car.
· It’s OK to celebrate that you got a huge raise.
· It’s OK to joyfully tell us you lost 17 pounds.
· It’s OK to say you won the sales competition.
· It’s OK to shout “Hallelujah!” because God’s presence in your life is so good.
· It’s OK to tell us these things because we will be as happy for you as if these blessings had come to us, and we will join you in hearty celebration.

I personally believe that love is supered huge and powerful. Love and hate is just a thin line. Some people said that so much in love could turn into hatred easily. Hate a person is so easy. All you have to do is just hate him/her. But to love a person truly and sincerely is always the toughest lesson. Love has to cover all. Covered weaknesses, bear with him/her, understand him/her and support him/her while you have no idea what on earth he/she is thinking and while you just couldn’t understand why he/she act this way. A friend of mine told me before, to truly love a person, you couldn’t support blindly but with wisdom. Well, I can say that I agree and not agree. I agree in the sense that it’s true, we can’t support blindly. While in another hand, I don’t agree as in, I support him/her because I trust God has His mighty ways for him/her. After all, I am just playing a role as a friend to love and support meanwhile I trust God is in control of everything as well. No one can choose which way we are taking and no one can control which way he/she should go. God always in control and God always there for us.

Love… the sweetest things that happen on earth and also the hardest lesson to learn. Fear not, God is love, so I can love too. The power of love is larger than we can imagine. Love never fails.

**Love can conquer all**

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Live faith out

Faith… a huge word that everyone needs to learn and will never learns it fully until the day Christ return.

Last weekends, I spent my holiday in peace heaven. A wonderful place with cold weather (really cold), wonderful people and it’s up in the hill. I always think that some places that are higher can make me feel closer to God. At least I am a bit higher than normal days. Hihihihi.

So, in that camp, we learn about the doctrine of God, the real life and how to life live out with faith. We learn to have faith that trust God 100% and have faith in things that we cannot see. It’s kind of stress in that camp because everyone trying to run away from real life but we have to play this game called “life game”. This is really a life game. We play what we normally do in life. Study, look for job, work, get marry, and give birth. Those are the routine in life. I can’t believe that I have to face this rat racing thing in the camp together with my church member. Wow…. This is challenging.

Though out this life game, the real self of everyone appear on the surface. We can really see the real face of certain people. I can see the real face of myself as well. On thing that I want to go after, the way I view the point of life and the lifestyle of mine. I reflect back and I realize that I am someone that really needs simple life only. I need not so much money but just a good job, someone that loves me and want to get marry with me and we have a wonderful family and my life will be that’s it. My point of view for my life.

Some people chase after property, some people chase after money and some chase after pretty girls to get marry with. I got tempted with a rich guy in the game when I worked as an estate agent. This guy is rich and has a lot of property. I ask him to marry me, but he answers me, he wants pretty girls. So, I know that he do have the intention to go after beautiful lady.

There is a guy promise that he will marry me, so while I continue to work, I wait for him in the age of 29. By the time he wants to get marry with me, everything is too late because judgment day is here. When judgment day is here, nothing seems to have value anymore. A scary day….

In this whole process of life, it awakes me. Awake me to cherish every moment and to live life out with faith and in love with God. Today I can plan but tomorrow I can only walk with faith and trust in God. A cruel fact about life and about human but this is real life. This is reality. Time doesn’t wait for us to be good or wait for us to trust Him. After all, it’s our choice to choose which way we want to walk.

In this camp, I learn about suffering as well. Suffering is a necessity for ultimate perfection. Last time I don’t know why I have to endure pain and endure hurt. I only know that after I endure, I will become stronger. Now, I know why I am in pain last time and why God want me to go through life darkest time. I will only get to know more about myself, God and man when I go through life darkest time. I get to see who my true friends are, how weak I am and how powerful God is. Rev Lee said that; do not boast how strong you are when you are not in suffering because when suffering come, it shows how weak you are. This is so true, do not boast. I started to change the perspective of suffering and know the value of suffering.

Recently, I am suffering from toothache and skin problem as well. It’s driving me mad. I get frustrated easily, my emotion swing life crazy and I throw temper everywhere. Slowly, I calm myself down and try to take this as a challenge to trust and have faith in God. I know God will heal me and after this difficulty, I learn another level of faith.

To endure is always the hardest time. It required patients. I hope that things are ok soon enough but that can only be my wish. I still have to wait and wait. Only time can prove and test. Many things in life, I wish it could be faster, it could be sooner. It will never happen because of time. I can only wait patiently, have faith and trust in God. I never know how my future is. But, I dare to walk out with faith again, in trust again. No matter what pain or hurt I’ll get in the future, I know the Lord is with me. After all, life need to take risk to grow more mature.

**Live with Faith**

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Everyday is special

It’s another year again that I gain my life experience, another year of maturity and another year of getting older. How do I feel today? Hmmm…. Basically, I don’t felt really excited about today. Maybe because of the blog that I read from a friend of mine. What he said is saddening but it’s true. In his perspective, he mention about what make birthday so special. No matter which day your birthday fall on, life still goes on, responsibilities are still around and work still carry on. The earth is still turning no matter there are people who celebrate it with you or not, no matter there are people who remembered this day or not.

After I finished reading his blog, I think about it myself. What he wrote is kind of true. No matter what, life still goes on. Happy or not, time will still tick, life will still die, and the progress of life still move on. But what I think it’s meaningful is that, he said, he don’t remembered ours birthday because he cherish every single time when we are together. This is meaningful…. We don’t have to wait for certain time to celebrate for certain thing or wait for any special day to cherish a person. In fact, we should cherish every time when we are together, enjoying the fellowship together and touch each other’s life. To encourage one another to move on with life and to be our brothers keeper.

Today 25th April, a day that I remind myself that there are a lot of people who love and cherish me as who I am. I am happy, I am glad… I didn’t expect a lot but just a short sms from my old friends, new friends and someone that I care to greet me, I am filled with joy because I know you remembered, I know you care and I know I have room in your heart.

A few years back, during my birthday. I did expect a lot and when I didn’t get what I expected, I broke down in tears and start to complain about my life. As for today, I am glad with what I have. I don’t really care that you greet me out of responsibilities, celebrate with me because if there is no celebration for me, you will feel guilty because everyone else has it or you greet me for the sake of greeting only. I don’t care for the sake of what but I am grateful and joyful because you did it for me. Thank you guys… The effort that you paid, I cherished and I am content. I appreciated every moment that I spend with my friends and I treasure every single of them. No matter they are just passing by my life or are in my life, I love every single of them and I enjoy being with them. I am glad that the Lord let me count my blessing as I name them one by one.

Finally, Happy Birthday Jenny Liau. :)

Yeah...I am a step closer to Heaven again. Can't wait to meet You face to face.

**25th April**

Monday, April 16, 2007

Time

Rev Doc Stephen Tong preached before about the topic, Time.

Time can be very scary because it recorded every little thing about you. It recorded your history, your memories, your life, your future, your past…your everything.

According to Rev Stephen Tong, time is a tough testifier. Time can test things that we wouldn’t know. Time can prove things that we cannot see. Time can heal, time can brings hurt and grief fade away. Time can be our faithful friend. It will stand as a witness to our good testimony. Time cannot be bought with money but time is an opportunity.

In my life recently, I need this time a lot. I need time to be healed; I need time in order to know my next step. I need time to prove, I need time be my evidence. I need time in order for me to be strong again. I need time.

Time can show me how faithful and good a person can be and also how evil and unfaithful another person can be. Time can show what is good and evil.

I’ve been waiting for someone, for something, for God and for myself. I can only pray that time will prove, time will heal and time will continue to be my best and faithful friend.

** I have been faithfully waiting**

The biggest enemy?

Some people will say that their biggest enemy is the devil. Some will said that is their boss, their wife, their competitor or someone that hurt them the most. As for me, I think that my biggest enemy is myself.

Why would I say that? It’s because I found out that the biggest enemy is in me. It’s myself. Many times in life, I’ve been battling with myself. Should I or should I not? Can or cannot? Good and bad, it’s up to how we analysis it, how we want it to be and how we define the word. I always believe that, if you want something to happen, it will always happen. If you don’t willing to make it happen, no matter how hard you try with unwilling heart, it will not happen as well. After all, it’s back to the topic willingness.

Like what my best friend told me, everything come from the heart and everything matter the most is in the heart. A person with good intention, no matter what he/she did, he will sow a good seed, and will reap a good fruit. If he/she have bad and evil motive, he/she will sow a bad seed and reap an evil fruit. Everything that we do, there is consequences that we have to bear. Sometimes, the rebellious inside of me will try to come out and try to control the conscious me, but with God’s grace, I am still won this battle.

In my life, I might not understand why are all these happen to me? I’ve been good, I do everything with good intention and yet things went the other way from what I’ve planned. I don’t understand but many people around me will said that one fine day, you will know it. I can only long to see that day and learn the lesson that I should learn.

Everything happened for a purpose, for a reason. Many people come and go in my life. No matter how long they stay in my heart, how seasonal it is, how fast they forgot me, I truly appreciate the time of being together with them. When the time or season has past, we might not remember how sweet it is when we are together. I truly love people around me. No matter it’s a season thing, permanent or temporarily. If I could make it forever, I will try my best to make it forever. But if I’ve tried my best and yet I couldn’t make it forever, I will let it go with a grateful heart for the time that we’ve spent together when you are with me.

Every struggle, there is a lesson. Every trials, there is a victory. Lord…not what I want, but what You want. My biggest enemy… myself, my mind. May you continue to guide me and tame me as soft as a rabbit but as strong as a lion.


**Jennieliau, my biggest enemy**

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Breakthrough (30.03.07-Last day)

When the sunrise, I opened my eyes and its 8am. My stomach felt better compare to last night but there is still little bit not comfortable here and there. I thank God for being there for me and heal me when I need Him the most.

Again, I prepared myself to meet God and took my breakfast like yesterday. Continue my book with breakfast meal and enjoying myself in the cold weather. Follow on with walking around in the park as I’ve promised myself that I’ll enjoy God’s creation. I have difficulties in searching this park but at last, I found it. It’s not a beautiful park after all and it look nicer from the view above from my room. In Genting highlands, there is not much nature thing to see. So, the next trip that I wanted to be alone and have breakthrough in life, I have to choose Cameron Highlands instead. I didn’t post any picture of the garden here because I don’t think that is a pretty garden. After the garden thing, I went up to my room, pack my stuff and prepare to check out and go home.

My journey ended just like this. A lot of breakthrough for me. The biggest success that I experience from this trip is that, I able to be alone for two days without talking much to anyone but God. Trying to find back my inner world as well. I knew so well that to find back my inner world is not one or two days thing but this is the first step to refocus back my life on the things that should be my focus, and to find back the purpose of life in God’s eyes.

In these two days, I didn’t really talk to anyone. Most of the time, I have pen and notebook with me. Whatever I feel, I wrote it down and whatever I want, I wrote it down. I can see things clearer when I started to write things down and I get to know myself better. Travel alone is fun, provided the Lord is with me. Breakthrough in eating alone, shopping alone, making decision alone, finish the whole cheese cake alone, get sick and recover again alone. I know how to take care myself now.

How do I feel? I feel refreshed and little bit unhappy because I have to go back to Sunway. I miss the time of being alone. I feel being strengthened by God again to find back my direction and focus of life. I spare time to find what I want in life. I analysis my feeling and know what is my next step. I feel good…

**Enjoy for being alone**

Breakthrough (29.03.07-Second day)

I suppose to wake up at 7am to do my devotion and to take a walk outside to enjoy God’s creation. Unluckily, by the time I woke up, it’s already 8.30am. I took a quick clean up myself, comb my hair and prepare to meet God.

After meeting Him, I went down stairs for my free breakfast. The breakfast doesn’t taste good at all but I enjoy eating alone with a book on my hand. After breakfast, I went back to my room to continue with my book and drop down the things that I want.

Around afternoon about 12 pm, I decided to take a walk around Genting. In less than 2 hours, I realized that I’ve done with my walking. Outside were raining and I enjoy myself walking around indoor. After the walked, I started to get tired, so I decided to buy myself something. This is a breakthrough. I bought things on my own and decided on my own without any opinion from someone else. With a joyful heart, I bought some stuff for myself and some for my friends. I kinda enjoy shopping alone. Didn’t really felt lonely because The Lord is with me.

Watch showed 4pm, legs getting tired. Choose an expensive place to rest and relax that is Starbucks. I sat there and hang out for more than 2 and half hours. What I did there? I continue my book. Read book for two and half hours….Wow….this is really a breakthrough because normally I read one hour, I already started to feel sleepy. Another breakthrough is that, I finish a maple cheese cake and a large cup of caramel coffee all by myself. This is fattening but I enjoy it a lot. When I go back to Sunway, I really have to keep fit.

Half past 6, decided to go back to my room for the drama series that showed at 7pm, TV2. While I was on my way back, I told myself that I can actually sit in Starbucks for more than 4 hours. If not because of the drama series, I would have done that. Came back, taken shower, rest and enjoy my TV. About 8pm, my stomach started to feel pain and I’ve been going in and out of toilet for 4 times in less than 2 hours. I can say that the whole night, I lie down on my bed and pray that God will heal me because my stomach is really pain. I slept at 11.30pm because of the pain but this nap doesn’t last long. About 1am, I woke up and went into the wash room again for 2 times in less than half an hour. This show that, I went in and out for 6 times for the whole night. This is suffering…. The only thing that I can do is to pray for healing because it’s late at night and I’m alone. I have no idea where should I find medicine for my stomach. I prayed, and continue to sleep.

**End of second day’s breakthrough**

Breakthrough (28.03.07-First Day)

The clock showed 4.17pm. I asked myself, how do I feel? Going to a trip alone, taking bus alone…. Well, my feeling is ok. I manage to borrow an mp3 player from a dear friend of mine, (Thank you dear) so that my trip will be filled with music.


Ok…My journey started. Last night before I sleep, I have this conversation with Grace. I said that will it be nice if I meet my prince in this trip because that’s normally showed in movies when they went for a vacation alone. I hope that I can meet my prince too (Of course that is not my motive, I’m just joking with her.)

Honestly, I expect to meet him if it’s God permission. With a heart of expectation, expect that I’ll sit with a good looking guy but end up sitting with an uncle that are friendly enough to make friends with this Malay guy next to him when he mistakenly took the Malay guy seat. So, their conversation last for half an hour. As for me, I pray that God are with me throughout this trip and this trip will be a breakthrough for me to find back my focus and direction and to draw closer to Him.

Around 5.45pm, I’ve reached the hotel that I’ve booked. It’s a small room and I don’t really like this hotel because it’s not as pretty as I thought. Overall, I still can accept it. I took my dinner, rest and watch TV for awhile. At 8pm, I prepare myself to go for a show called “Fly”. It’s one of the promotions that come together with the room package. So, with an excited heart I walked myself to First world hotel and take my free ticket. Low and behold, they required my ID card where by I didn’t carry it along with me. Without any choices, I have to walk all the way back to my hotel and get that ID card again. Frustrated……

About the show, of course I expected that it would be a nice show. I assume it’s some sort of musical drama that came along with a story. But who knows, this show is not my cup of tea. At the beginning, it’s very interesting but the longer the show continue, the more confuse I got. It’s neither a musical drama nor a concert. It’s more like a circus (without animal) plus magic show plus artistic dance and jump here and there and flying here and there. I don’t understand the whole story and I kept on falling asleep in the show. Hmmmm….. Interesting ha….

**I can only have such an expression for that show

It’s my first time I went to a show alone. Anyway, this whole trip is about breakthrough in being alone so everything I did, I did it alone. If you know me well, you will know that I don’t like to be alone. But this is what I always have to learn. That is to be alone, draw closer to God and experience breakthrough of being alone in my life.

Actually, this whole package thing is for two persons. When I check in into this room, breakfast is included for two and the show is for two. So, I have extra ticket for the breakfast and the show seat. One person holding two tickets it’s kind of weird. Everyone come with someone but I come with no one and yet I took two persons seat. I told myself that, it’s ok… I come with God.
About the prince that I mention earlier on, I really meet someone. But not my prince….. I meet this guy name Alvin and he is a tourist guide. As you know me, direction has always been a problem for me. As usual, friends around me will call me a dumb sheep that have no sense of direction but I can say that I am better than someone else. So, I have the problem of getting back to First world hotel after I took my ID card because I tried a new way instead of the dark and dangerous way. So, I try to get myself clearer by looking at the sign board, he came over and asked me, am I searching for First world hotel direction? I said, ya…. So, he showed me the way. We get to know each other while we were walking together to First World hotel.

**Malaysia do have friendly people

Later on, he asked me, where are my friends? I told him that I came here alone. He was like…. Ok!!! That is very brave of you to travel alone here. He commented me. As I thought about it myself, I am really brave….

After the show, I walked around in First World Hotel. Went in into the casino, would like to play but I totally have no idea how these kind of games work, so I just walk one round, bought myself a strawberry stick, and I went back to my room for a shower and rest.

That’s my first day for today. I have a good rest. Not so cold but just nice.

**First day of being alone**

Sunday, April 01, 2007

I apologize

Sometimes, there is no word that can express what I wanted to said or how I feel in certain things. In this space of mine, I would like to apologize to some of my dear beloved friends that without any intention, I have hurt their feelings. I know they care and love me a lot but I am really sorry for what I have did. I have no other word but the word, I’m sorry and I truly mean it. I’m sorry for I’ve did. I promise that I will not do such a thing again. I feel really bad until it give me sleepless night. I wish I could do something to make things better between us and I will do something to make it better.

**I’m Sorry**

Praise Him

Today is Palm Sunday. Five more days, it will be Good Friday. It’s another year for us to remember that Christ suffered on the cross and die for everyone include me. In this magnificent day, I would like to use this day to praise unto God for all He has done for me in my life. For He is always worthy to be praise and worthy to be lifted up.

 ~Praise You for You are kings of kings
 ~Praise You for You are Lords of Lords
 ~Praise You with songs and hymns
 ~Praise You for You created heaven and earth
 ~Praise You for You are strong and mighty
 ~Praise You for Your mercy and grace
 ~Praise You for Your wonderful love
 ~Praise You for You are prince of peace
 ~Praise You for Your sacrifice
 ~Praise You for loving and accepting me as who am I
 ~Praise You that you are faithful
 ~Praise You for you are everlasting kind
 ~Praise You for the joy you have for me
 ~Praise You when I still have breath to praise Your name

I am who I am because of the day you die for me. There is no other word than the word thank you and no other friend can sacrifice His life for me. I love You!!!

**Praise Him for He is worthy**

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Still...

After the previous title of my blog, “Am I ok?” I am still speechless… still have no ideas what have happen to me. So, I have no idea what to drop down here. I can only pray that tomorrow will be better than today, as I continue to endure and find my focus and direction back.

My heart is in pain, but not even one drop of tears can shed out from my eyes. Try to find a sad movie to watch in order for me to cry my heart out but I end up feeling nothing. I decided to watch comedy then, well… couldn’t really laugh out as well. Hmm…wondering, do I still have feeling? Can I still feel things around me? Where is my emotion? Where is Jenny Liau?

** May God be with me.
** Tomorrow will be a better day.

**Still**

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Am i still ok?

I have no idea. Everyday I wake up it’s like dragging a dead body walking around without direction, without purpose, without meaning… Am I still ok?

Every songs that I listened, seems doesn’t pleased to my ears. Every thing that I do seems never going to end. Things are still the way they are and I am still standing on the spot where I am standing. Am I still ok?

Out of the blue, I will have difficulties in breathing. It’s like a big stone pressing on my lungs that I can’t breathe well and I have to take a big breath in order for me to take another breathe. Am I still ok?

All of a sudden, tears will drop down from my cheek; my emotion will control the nights and tears will lead me to my rest. Am I still ok?

Laughter and smiling face are with me, but my heart is in pain and in confuse. What do I want? What do You want? Where am I heading? Could I just go? Am I alone? Am I thinking too much? What have gone into me? Am I still ok?

Thousands and thousands questions pondering around my heart… I wish to stop this feeling, stop these questions, stop this sadness… but I just couldn’t find my secure, couldn’t find my answer, and couldn’t find my peace and direction. Am I still ok?

I am so lost… so confuse… so heavy… so breathless… so clueless… so unhappy. Please bear with me if you are around me. I need support and encouragement.

**Clueless**

Friday, March 02, 2007

Blue Day...

Already two days I came back from Sabah… Terrible feeling, awful mood. I don’t feel like working, don’t feel like laughing, don’t feel like doing anything else. I only wish that I can stop this feeling and pray that God will take this away from me.

It’s torturing…. I don’t know why, and it’s suffering. I miss my family, I miss my parents, my little brother, my aunt, my home and I miss Grace, Ah Boy, Vui Vui, Shirley, Fui Ping, and others old friends that used to grew up together with me. I miss them badly. Only two weeks, but there are big changes that I have to get used to. One of my colleague no longer works together with me. I miss her…. We used to be very good friend. We came to work together, off together, went out for lunch together, laugh for nonsense, and share each other works. But now, only left me, alone.

Going back to an empty house, the lights are not on and this doesn’t help my mood to be any better. My dear housemate went to Kelantan for working purpose and leaving me alone with my sister only is even worst. Thank God I still have my sister with me. If you know me well, you will know that I don’t really like changes in my life. If can, I would like to keep everything the same and pray that it will never change. But I have no choices but to face changes in life in order for me to grow. This is painful.

Coming back to reality, get myself back to the rat race… Back to packed schedule and busy lifestyle. I hate this kind of feeling. Anyway, I know that tomorrow will be better because each day, I learn to get used to my surrounding in order for me to keep surviving. Learning to be a joyful and a better person each day, to love and treasure everything.

I thought going back to my hometown is for one purpose but I never thought that God want me to settle something else first. That is to settled my past.

Sandakan is the place I grown up. St Michael Church is where I belong, also a place where we meet each other. From stranger, we get to know each other and we further down our relationship. Going back to my church allow many memories came back to me because that is the place our love was built and that should be the place I settle my emotion and my past. Stepping every place that we used to go, walk by streets of memories…. Only left a smile in my heart to thank God for what I’ve been through. The past no longer haunted me, for I am free because Christ dies for me.


**Settled**