Mixed Feeling

Yeah!!!~~~ Today is Wednesday. Means that my dear housemate will come home today. Can’t wait to see her later. She’s been away for one week and this whole week, I miss her a lot. Everyday when I reach home I will look for her, before sleep I’ll talk to her and when I wake up early morning, I’ll see her. When she went back to her hometown, I find it’s hard to get use to it without her because no one knocks at my door in the morning. The feeling of the past week, came back and went into an empty house without my housemate in it, it’s kind of weird. Wish to talk to her but she’s not there, make me miss her a lot. But today, she’ll be coming back from her hometown. A few more days later, then I will have to go to the Sabah Diocese camp, and it’s her turn to miss me. When I came back from the camp, she’ll be going back to her hometown again. Wow, it’s like an on off game here. No matter where we are, we know that we’ll miss each other so much and most important is that The Lord is with us.

Talks about the Sabah camp really cause me mixed feeling. I feel excited, happy, nervous, stress and all sort of weird feeling that I don’t know how to express. I feel excited because all these while, I love to join this camp… I love church camp. For sure, you will learn something that is priceless and build up a terrific fellowship with people around you. Meanwhile, stress and nervous feeling will occur because I’ll be singing as a vocalist in the worship session that lead by our team. This is actually my first time holding microphone and sings to lead people to worship God. I heard that the camp have 400 plus peoples who joined which means that there will be 800 plus ears hearing and 400 plus peoples worshipping together. Can you imagine, me holding mic, singing? I can’t imagine that.

** Ka Seng, now i totally understand your stress before you went to Labuan until throw out.

The main problem is not about 400 peoples or 800 ears but it’s about God. I don’t really care how many people listen to my singing but I care how God think when I sing. I feel afraid that I can’t give my best to Him while He deserves all my best and He deserves all the praise. I afraid that I am not good enough to offer what I have. Please pray for me…. Lord, please guide me and guide my heart. I have nothing, but I have a willing heart.

New hair style

I have new hair style. Yeah babe…. Some people said it look fresh, some people prefer the old hair style and some people need time to get used to my new look. Well, I like it too some how or rather because it’s really a fresh look, I look younger look more like a kid, and it’s a new image. I also like my old hair style just that now I have cut it short, so let’s focus in the positive side. Hihihihihihi….What do you prefer then? Let me know ya. Can’t wait for your comment!!!~~~

Two months left

What will you do if you are given two months left for your entire life? Which means that, you will die two months later.

Pastor gives this question to me and I am requiring thinking about this. Hmm, I’ve been thinking about this question for past three days and yet I still can’t figure it out an answer. What will I want to do? What I want? Two months left… hmm…

Can I get marry? Well, two months is just not enough time for the wedding that I want and furthermore, I don’t have a man that willing to marry a lady that going to die in two months time.

Can I travel? As for my financial situation now, I can only travel to Sabah. So, I guess I spend my two months in Sabah? Wait… let me check air asia first, seems like I can’t afford to go to Sabah now and I came from Sabah. So, what’s the point?

Can I study? Two months time…. I don’t have enough time to learn things that I can learn in two months time.

Share the gospel? Two months? Can or not? Who should I share to?

Spend two months with my parents? Spend with cell members? Spend with Samson? Spend with darling? Spend with Ka Seng? Spend with colleague? Spend with housemate? Spend with worship team members? Spend with…. Who else? Andrew? Pei San? Timothy? Vui Vui? Vun Kiun? Sing Ying? *And the lists go on…

I never really thought about it what I want to do if I’m going to die tomorrow. Wow, it’s a good question that I can think about for a few weeks, maybe months…. Every time I dance, I will dance like I’m going to die tomorrow. I think I should apply this in my life to find out what I want to do if I’m going to die in two months time.

Lord, please guide your little servant down here that look for a way, look for a direction and look for a time.

Be Strong My Friend~~

A beloved friend of mine will be going back to Indonesia today. I think she has left us an hour ago. A very goodbye to her and I pray that she will continue to run for God, love God and be faithful to Him. Friends going away are always something that most of us hated to face. The feeling of miss, the toughness to let go, can’t imagine the day without him/her by our side…but no matter what, people will still bless the person that are going to leave; all the best, good luck and may God be with him/her always.

Today’s topic, I would like to indicate it to a precious friend of mine. For sure you will know who am I indicate too when you read this. This is for you.

My Friend
Life is always be tough
Struggle never left us
Decision everywhere
Sometimes, choices are made out of our order
But do not be afraid
For The Lord our God is with you

My Friend
We know how hurt your heart is
We know how cold you feel
But fear not for The Lord count your tears
God’s grace and mercy are new every morning

My Friend
You are not alone
And you will never be
For what you have lost
We truly understand
Still, we will stand by your side
To share your burden
To give you our ears
To borrow you our shoulder
To recognize your needs

My Friend
Suffering bring pain
Suffering cost heartache
Suffering lead you to be stronger
Suffering gives you victories one day

My Friend
Hold on to the mighty one
For He has a better plan for you
Although we might not understand
Nevertheless God always give the best
Everything happen for a reason
For a purpose
To make you a better you
Each day better than today
Be strong and be courage
The Lord our God is always with you

Another exciting day...

Yeah!!!~~ It’s Sunday again, but tonight we don’t have alpha course but nurture class. Last Sunday is our last alpha course. This is the first time our church held such a big alpha course. It is a success for us because many of us go through sufferings and difficulties in order to get the words to be heard. Leaders get sick out of no reason; intercessors get to attacks from different kind of situation, members involve in all kinds of trouble and pastor whole family was sick. In that period, it is really a hard war for our church to battle with. I personally face problem in my spiritual journey that cause me stop and rest. After I’ve rested, I get back to the battle and pray for them.

After the whole evangelism, we see seeds being planted; people come to know Jesus, people turn to Christ, gave their life to the living God and peoples being baptize in the name of the Father, son and Holy Spirit. The whole church becomes stronger because of the trails that everyone been through. This is really something that is significant. It show the unity of the whole church, to gather together in one heart to pray for the church, work together and encourage one another in the midst of suffering.

Last night, my Darling came back from Melbourne. The whole yesterday, I was nervous, excited and felt so joyful to see her again. It’s been one year. There was deal between me and her that I need one year to settle down my thought and emotions. When this one year has arrived, I feel good. It’s another journey again for our friendship, to get to know each other again, to spend time together, to serve God together, to weep and laugh together and encourage each other in our daily walk. She keep on saying that she gain a lot of weight but as for me, I think she still look fine, pretty and the most important thing, she is who she is and I like who she is. Hihihihihihi….Many peoples thought that we are lesbian, but I can assure you guys one’s again, she has boyfriend and we are not couple. Our relationship is more than friends….. She is like my family. I always give thanks to God for what God gave me in my life. She is one of God’s best gifts for me in my life. So today, I spend most of my time with her. Thanks Lord, You are the best!!~~

Miss…

Suddenly, I thought about this word. Miss….I learn to miss people around me a lot. Last time, I miss my ex boyfriend a lot and I will only miss him alone. Every day I’ll thought about him, miss him and wish that I can see him a few more hours later. The feeling is sweet, it’s special and it’s fantastic. After a long missing feeling and finally you can see him, that can give me a satisfaction. After we have ended our journey, I no longer miss him and no longer think about him.

Slowly, I started to miss people around me. Miss my friends, miss my family and miss my dear one. My darling will be coming back this Saturday. Hmmm…. What kind of feeling will I have? Happy? Excited? Nervous? Annoy? Sad? Na…. I guess I’ll be happy to see her. I miss her a lot. The return of her really something that happen so fast. I still remember the day when she cries like nobody business in the airport while I cry behind her because I miss her a lot. One year later, we are different, things are different and our friendship is different. I can’t wait to see her and spend my time with her. I love her a lot. She loves me a lot too.

The feeling of missing someone is something that word cannot express. It’s like waiting for a sms everyday and prays that when the phone rings, that is the sms that you’ve been waiting for or wait for a phone call for whole day. Miss…. A strong word yet a difficult word to express but just a word miss. Sometimes, I told God that I miss Him too. Sound funny because we don’t normally miss God. When you want to talk to Him, just raise your voice and He’ll be there listening. As for me, I still miss Him. I will tell Him that, I miss Him. I miss you guys…. I miss the person that I should miss…. I miss the feeling of missing someone. I miss my loved one.

Am I getting better today?

I think so…Yesterday I didn’t work because I get a terrible sore throat and nearly fever. It’s been quite some time this sore throat thing left me and never come back but now, because I like chocolate so much, and I have to bear having sore throat and weight gaining as my cost. Yesterday, I spend my day lazily. Morning wake up, realize that I don’t wish to work because of this pain keep on sticking in me every seconds of my life. Then I decided to see doctor and get one-day rest. Fetch my lovely housemate and sister to work, then bought myself some bread, drop by office to hand over my job because it’s my responsibilities and no one will follow up with my job, poor me…. See doc, reach home watch “Friends”, ate my breakfast, chat online, say a simple prayer to my dear friend, sleep, wake up, clean my room, bath, chat online, wait for my housemate to come home, chat with her, practice guitar, chat online, watch movie and sleep. That’s my whole day of resting. Consider it rested day? I think so…

Today, the sore throat is getting better but my neck is swollen because of this sore throat. About my feeling… hmmm, normal mood, missing people that I should miss and bunch of works for me to do because I took one day rest yesterday. I hate my job, it’s boring, it’s old routine, and it doesn’t give me any satisfaction when I’ve finished it. Wonder this is my problem or my job problem?

Arghh…. it’s 2pm again. My lunchtime is over. Have to get back to my old job. Lord, please guide me through.


**Last night, Danny and Winny came over and bought me chinese medicine for the sore throat. So touch.... Thanks both of you. Love both of you so much!!~~

It is finished

At last, it is finished. Many people might not understand what it means because just a simple word for “finished” will have different kind of definition .People will interpret it with different point of view as well. Those who know me so well, they will know what it means.

Not much to post about this title, but I just want to write little about it, that it is finished.

At last, it is finished…..it’s over. I’m glad. It will be another tough journey but I will not be afraid. For the Lord is with me. I shall fear no evil.

Calling...

Last night sermon was a good one. It’s about calling. What is your calling? God’s calling is personal, God’s calling is purposeful, God’s calling is providential and we should response to God’s call.

It is so true that God’s calling is personal. It is something very personal between oneself and God himself. When I thought about it, what will my calling be? Am I confirm with my calling? Have I found my calling?

God calling is purposeful. Does my calling give God a purpose? Am I doing something that is purposeful now for my calling? Hmmm…..

God calling is providential. This is something that everyone knows but no one dare to try I would say so. Even if you ask me, I dare not to think too. I really dare not to think because my life is not in my hand.

After the sermon last night, I really repent because of my own knowledge is so limited and I state God is my limitation. So many times, I only see a very small piece of my picture and I dare not to see it further because that small piece of my life had already taken a bit courage for me to walk and I dare not to walk any further because of my past, my pain and the scar that I have in me. Lord, I really need to learn to trust and to surrender everything…really my everything.

Confused

Many times in life, decision has to be made, choices have to be selected. I think I personally wrote about decision and choices for several times in my blog. I still wonder, God gave us free-will choice, but do that still occur.

Many times in my decision-making, seems like the choices that I made not really what I want. I never want a broken relationship, I never really want to work in a HR department, and I never really want to stay in KL. I still remember when I first joined this company, I asked myself again, is this what you want? I get no answer but trying to compromise and to be positive because this company near my church, near the place I stay, I can gain different experience and the most important is that I can serve God more without many troubles. It’s actually a reason or excuses? Am I compromising and lost my focus? Oh my, what had happen to me? As my mind continue to wonder around, I get very confuse…. very confuse. What I want? I have no idea. Am I thinking too much? Am I giving too many excuses? Am I explaining too much? Am I compromising and lost my principle? Am I giving reasons?

Every decision that I make, there is consequences and lesson that I have to bear and learn. Everything has it good and bad. Last time, I was thinking to take a dog as my pet. I knew that for sure, that puppy would bring me a lot of happiness because since I was a little kid, I always wanted a puppy so much as my pet. When I think about the trouble that the puppy will bring me, I stopped and consider my decision again. I told my friend, to have happiness you have to pay the price. To have a puppy I will be so joyful but I have to bear my price…that is to clean him up, to clean the house, to pay for his food and so on. There is no free lunch in this world. Everything comes with a price, come with a cost.

I really confuse. What should I do now? What I want? Which way should I follow? Am I pleasing people? Do my act glorify God? Am I compromising?

Last night, I have a conversation with two persons that matter a lot to me. The advices that they gave me don’t really seem like supporting my act and my point of view. I tried so hard to explain more so that they can understand, but I felt that the more I explain, the more confused I get. I was thinking, why I explained a lot? Am I giving myself excuses? Or this is the reason? It’s really explanation or excuses? Am I trying to make them support my point of view? Am I compromising and try to get what I want? Did I lose my focus? What I want? Why it matters a lot to me what people think? What is my intention for all these? I really confuse. I know that they love and care so much for me, so no matter what critic or advice they gave, I will think and take it seriously. The word that they speak, it makes my ears pain to listen to it. I would say that, it’s cruel to say such a thing to me but I know they speak the truth with love. Without any choices, I have to lay down there and listen.

Can someone tell me what I should do? What I can do? Or I’ve listened to too many comments? Let it be? Stop it? Continue?
Decision? Choices? Do I really have them? Complicated mind? Simple mind?

Lord, please guide my heart and guide my mind….I don't want to hurt people around me. I am confused.

Monday always sucks

Ya, for all working adult, Monday’s is always our worst day of the week. After having relaxing time during weekend, coming back to work on is always a nightmare. I hate Monday, hate Monday so much that will cause me miss my friends a lot, miss my church people a lot, miss my housemate a lot, miss my cell member a lot. Coming back to work the same old routine job is always my last choice. I think I have to change my job. Hmm…. what kind of job should I change to? Still don’t really know what I want for my future. Well, life is full of cross road, full of red lights, and full of junction but not many U-turn can be made. Hmmm…when think about what direction should I take or about which sign board should I follow always end up with headache and fed-up.

Coming back to this office, facing the old superior sometimes make me want to throw out. I know I have a good superior but sometimes, I think he is just too much…. Well, don’t really want to talk more about him because I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with him too. So, it’s actually none of my business that how he reacts or how his character is. Still, I will love him because God teach us to love…. so, I will still accept him as who he is and love him with the love of Christ.

What actually worries me now is that my appetite is coming back and weight is gaining back. After some storm season in life, at last I see my rainbow. This is a good thing or a bad thing? I like my rainbow but my weight is gaining back slowly. To maintain something is always difficult for example, to maintain a car…. to maintain your relationship with people that you love, to maintain your health, to maintain your beauty…is always something tough and need a lot of effort. Hmm…I guess all I can do now is to swim more, eat less, work more and enjoy the season of maintaining things and relationship with people around me.

Yeah, almost lunch time. Lunchtime and going home time are always my happiest moment. Everyday, I long for my lunchtime and going home time. Although I know this is not a good example but still…. I long for it. Hihihihi…. Later, I can meet with my cell member again. Although only one hour but better than none. Miss you guys a lot.

The update me...

It’s been two week plus that I didn’t update my blog. I miss many opportunity to share wonderful things in my life. Never mind let me summarize it and try to make it more interesting. Hihihihi….

During Hari Raya holiday, me and my lovely cell member spend our first holiday in Lagoon. Wow, that was fun. But I didn’t manage to take picture of our fun time because I scared that my camera will become salt vegetable later. So, everything remains inside my own memory. It’s really fun and happy….I had a amazing time with them. The second day of my holiday, I spend my time with my housemate, going to Salvation to get some books for two dear friends of mine and then I spend time with my cell member again and took dinner with them and go out for a drinks and fellowship with a dear friend of mine that came from Johor.

The third day, I spend the whole afternoon with Flora in the shopping mall and went to Worship team practice at night. I do have quality time with her. The next day after all the holidays, have to get back to my stress atmosphere. Working is always a sad thing for most of the working adult. The same goes to me.

After the holidays, Siew May plan to cook us some delicious spaghetti for us. I took some picture of them having fun in my place.


Oh ya, i got my guitar at last…Yeah…so happy…now, I have new baby. Hmm, I should spend more time with him. A kind hearted guy volunteers to teach me guitar and bought me pick too…Feel so touch and to let you know, he is still single and available. He is a good teacher that teaches a talkative, many questions and naughty student like me with patient and love. So, he considers a good man too… Anyone interested, do let me know. I can arrange with you to meet him. Hahahaha…Just kidding, no offend and still love you like brother.

So, I guess that’s the latest update of me. My journey with my most love is good. I started to love Him more and more. He guides me through a lot of pain and tears. It’s been two months and 5 days. My wound slowly turns to scar and I am getting happier and happier each day. I learn to cherish people around me more and to spend more time with them. I found back myself, found back my direction and enjoy for being who I am in front of Him. Learn to draw strength and joy from Him everyday for He is my most love now and forever.