Confused

Many times in life, decision has to be made, choices have to be selected. I think I personally wrote about decision and choices for several times in my blog. I still wonder, God gave us free-will choice, but do that still occur.

Many times in my decision-making, seems like the choices that I made not really what I want. I never want a broken relationship, I never really want to work in a HR department, and I never really want to stay in KL. I still remember when I first joined this company, I asked myself again, is this what you want? I get no answer but trying to compromise and to be positive because this company near my church, near the place I stay, I can gain different experience and the most important is that I can serve God more without many troubles. It’s actually a reason or excuses? Am I compromising and lost my focus? Oh my, what had happen to me? As my mind continue to wonder around, I get very confuse…. very confuse. What I want? I have no idea. Am I thinking too much? Am I giving too many excuses? Am I explaining too much? Am I compromising and lost my principle? Am I giving reasons?

Every decision that I make, there is consequences and lesson that I have to bear and learn. Everything has it good and bad. Last time, I was thinking to take a dog as my pet. I knew that for sure, that puppy would bring me a lot of happiness because since I was a little kid, I always wanted a puppy so much as my pet. When I think about the trouble that the puppy will bring me, I stopped and consider my decision again. I told my friend, to have happiness you have to pay the price. To have a puppy I will be so joyful but I have to bear my price…that is to clean him up, to clean the house, to pay for his food and so on. There is no free lunch in this world. Everything comes with a price, come with a cost.

I really confuse. What should I do now? What I want? Which way should I follow? Am I pleasing people? Do my act glorify God? Am I compromising?

Last night, I have a conversation with two persons that matter a lot to me. The advices that they gave me don’t really seem like supporting my act and my point of view. I tried so hard to explain more so that they can understand, but I felt that the more I explain, the more confused I get. I was thinking, why I explained a lot? Am I giving myself excuses? Or this is the reason? It’s really explanation or excuses? Am I trying to make them support my point of view? Am I compromising and try to get what I want? Did I lose my focus? What I want? Why it matters a lot to me what people think? What is my intention for all these? I really confuse. I know that they love and care so much for me, so no matter what critic or advice they gave, I will think and take it seriously. The word that they speak, it makes my ears pain to listen to it. I would say that, it’s cruel to say such a thing to me but I know they speak the truth with love. Without any choices, I have to lay down there and listen.

Can someone tell me what I should do? What I can do? Or I’ve listened to too many comments? Let it be? Stop it? Continue?
Decision? Choices? Do I really have them? Complicated mind? Simple mind?

Lord, please guide my heart and guide my mind….I don't want to hurt people around me. I am confused.