Tuesday, March 28, 2006


After a few days of struggle and having the inside conflict within myself, can said that I am a bit release now from all these suffer feeling.

Last few days, I have a bit conflict with relationship problem. Standing in the middle between to let go or to continue this journey. After a long thought and discuss about this problem, I realize that I couldn’t bear to lose this relationship of mine. Although problem still not totally solve yet but I get to learn what God want me to learn from this problem that I have.

Last few days, God did ask me, why am I so worry about my future and yet insist and want to solve this by my own without prayer? I heard it, but still I told God that I want to be alone right now. Not now….I choose to be the god of my own instead of letting God rules my life.

After yesterday night, I realize that love is pain. No matter what kind of love, it is pain. God’s love for us is pain. If God love is not pain, he won’t let him son die for us on the cross. Because God love us so dearly, that he have to suffer this pain.

He shows me that in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

From this bible verses, I know that this is what I have to learn. Always hope, always trust. To love one person is very easy. But to love him/her unconditionally is very difficult. No matter couple or not couple, our loves always come with a calculator. To count how much love have we offer and how much we should get it back in return so that it is even and fair. I thought that love can be defined with fair or not fair, but I was wrong. God show me that, his love for me is unconditional and why should I count so much about whose love is bigger and fair or not fair?

When come to justice, it always unfair because only true justice will come when God judge us. So why not I do my part to learn to love unconditionally so that when I meet God face to face, at least I bring no regret but honor that I learn and did what He want me to.

I also learn that, the more we want and try to use all our strength to grab one thing, the more we will always lose it. Is like grabbing some sands in your hand. The more you want, the less sand you will get but is we let go and take it softly with both of our hands open up, the more we get.

Humans are like that, when we lost it, then only we know how to cherish it. When we have it in our life, we will never know how much it means to it. I do hope that the decision that I made is right. Although it will be tough, I know… But I know God is there with me too. For His Grace is always sufficient for me.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Another new day? Another old day? Same worry, same struggle...

It is another day again when the sun rise. Last night, I have a bad sleep. I have to beg my mind to rest so that I can have a good sleep. Every weekdays, is like a routine… wake up, to work, back from work then sometimes going church activities, sometimes chat with my dear housemate, then continue with sleep. That day is gone and when you wake up, it’s another day, is another new day and the routine start again.

This few days of mine, struggle within me come non-stop in my mind. Or should I say self conflict? Struggle about which way should I go? When should I start study? Should I study? What should I do? Where am I? What next? What else? Should I let go? Am I lost? Where am I? A lot of struggle, a lot of questions, a lot of emotions, a lot of feeling….

I get tired very easily, and my mood goes down so fast. Now, even stuck here for no reason. Don’t know what to write don’t know what to post and don’t know what to do.

My Day...

Today, my mood is a good. Like usual, every morning our department will have a short briefing. This morning, I conduct the short briefing. Overall is good and my lady boss gave me the comment about my briefing is good too. I’m glad I did the best for God and I’m grateful that God is with me that time.

After a few days of thought and struggle about my job of scope, I started to let go and do my best for God. Try to do all my work like doing it for the sake of God. Indeed, I gain a little bit trust from my lady boss. Around noon time, she asked me to count the OT pay for our office worker. Normally, these kinds of things are private and confidential but she allowed me to do so. I was shock because all these while, no one can do payroll thing or allow knowing other people salary. But she gave me the opportunity to do it. So, I did what I need to.

As I started to count their rest day OT claim, I started to realize that the Lord indeed is very good to me and I am so blessed. I am so blessed with what I have. If I compare to others, my salary are low but as for me, it consider a high pay job because I only have SPM cert and almost one year working experience…. I got this paid. I am so blessed that I can’t stop thanking God for what he has done for me. I am so blessed.

Sometimes, we thought that God had forgotten us, but actually we are wrong. From what I have today, when I turn and look back, I know there is a purpose for me to stand where I am standing now.

When I reach home, I have a short chat with my dear housemate and prepare myself to prayer meeting. The prayer meeting was good and we have a wonderful fellowship there to update with each other what have happened with us last few days.

After the prayer meeting end, I planned to start my study immediately when I reach home. When I reach home, seems that my plan failed again. I sit there and have a long chat with my dear housemate again. We talk about a lot of things and a lot of things have no conclusion because the conclusion is in God’s hand. We discussed about life struggle, love life and market job situation. All these are negative thing that make my mood down again. Seems like my happy moment can easy come and easy go....

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Happy Birthday!!!~~~~ Memories...

Today is the birthday of my best friend that is now studying in Australia. Happy Birthday!!~~

I would like to dedicate this day for her. This is the 2nd year that I didn’t spend this day with her. Last year, when she celebrates her 21st birthday, I wasn’t by her side because I was in Sandakan. This year, I can’t spend this day with her too because she went to Australia to further her study.

I did mention about her departure early last month. Hardly believe that she’s been there for a month plus. I miss her so much and I do hope that today, she can have a wonderful day there. Although she’ll be alone and celebrating her big day with less love ones but I would like her to know that, she’ll never be alone. We will all pray for you here, I’ll support you and my shoulder will always here for her when she needs it the most.

As I mention before that we’ve become each other best friends for so many years. Sometimes, I do take her for granted. I would like to apologize for that. I still remember that when we were small kids, we use to call each other almost everyday. Our parents will scold us like mad dog because of the phone bills never decrease, only keep on increasing. There is one time when we quarrel about different opinion on the phone, both of us kept silent for some time on the phone without speaking to one another. We don’t want to hang up the phone and we don’t want to speak to each other. So we just hang there and holding the phone with silent to hear each other breathe. When I thought back, no wonder why our parents scolded us like crazy. It’s silly when I thought back but it’s fun too because I have this memories.

I meet her in my mother church during Sunday school last time. Before we became best friend, her first impression for me is bad. From her first impression, I thought that she was the kind of bitchie girl that like to show off about her wealth because she is quite wealthy and look down on other people. But when I get to know her a bit deeper, I was wrong. She is very generous in giving gift. Every year on Christmas day, she will become the Santa Claus in our church to give present to her friends and love ones. Every year, she can buy around 20 presents and those presents bought it from Singapore. So you can imagine that how much she spend on giving gift like that for almost 5 years?

She is a very talented girl who has a beautiful voice. She is talented in flute and dancing too. But she always thinks that she is not good enough. Actually, she is good enough. She likes to sing while we were chatting on the phone and I like to scold her for doing so. Every end of the years, her whole family will go to Singapore for holiday and she will called me almost everyday too in Singapore to have a chat and to update our daily life. I miss that; I miss chatting with her on the phone for hours. I miss quarrel on the phone and just holding the phone without a word from each other. I miss that.

I remember there is one time, during school holiday season, something happen to her family that cause her so sad and moody. She’s alone at home with her brother and she’ll keep on think about negative thought. To keep myself less worry, I stay with her for a few days and try to comfort her. At last, her family is all right and we Thank God for guiding us through. Before we stay with each other in KL, I often stay overnight at her place and we will have a long chat until we get tired and felt asleep automatically.

The more memories that I thought back, I just couldn’t stop giving thanks to God for all his love and blessing for both of us all these years. I really grateful what God had put in my life. Every trial, every blessing, blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Our loves for each other are not the kind of love that normal friends have, not boys and girl’s relationship have but is a kind of love that are unconditional. A love that from God, a love that will last us till death do us part, a love that will continue to love each other although the storm and the wind blow strong. I do pray that this friendship will be a forever friendship that nothing can tear us apart.

Happy Birthday Darling, wish you all the best…..

Thursday, March 16, 2006

A few days consideration...

This few days has been a busy day for me. Can’t even sit down and summarize the whole day of mine. Let me see, from the day that I stop until today, it’s been the 8th day. Wow….what I did last past 8 days? Can’t really remember but I’ll try to summarize it up.

Last Saturday night, our sermon outline is about “Money”. After the sermon, get to know what we use to know and what knowledge that we lack of. From that sermon, I get to set my mind set right again and to believe that everything that we own belongs to God. Naked we came from our mother womb, naked we shall go to our Heavenly Father. It’s a very tough lesson because the worldly teaching is that what we earn is what belongs to us. But the biblical teaching is we own nothing and what we have is not belong to ourselves. It is a good concept that we as a Christian should set in our mind set today so that when we really have nothing, we won’t betray God because of world treasure.

Meanwhile on last Sunday, my boyfriend and I as usual, he came to find me and sometimes we went for lunch together and spend some time to be with each other. I felt a bit bored staying at home so I suggested driving to some place to explode a bit in my driving skills. So, we went to KL then Cheras follow with OUG to PJ and finally I am safe in one piece and reach home. It’s a big breakthrough for me and yet I learn a meaningful lesson about God’s grace. Every place I go use to have a lot of cars because that is a Sunday but on that Sunday, KL and Cheras seems to have less car so that I can learn to be strong and have courage when I drive. Although I do face some difficulties but these difficulties are something I can bear with it. He knows I can bear that and He know my strength. Indeed God show me that his grace is sufficient for me. No matter where I am, no matter what kind of trial I face, His grace is always sufficient for me. From driving around, I got to learn to trust God even more and know that my God are there for me.


In life, we often struggle about different thing. No matter is a small struggle or a big one but we do struggle. This few days of mine, I have my struggle as well. But I can say that I struggle everyday for small things. I use to struggle about food in this lent season, for example, can I eat? Should I eat? Standing in a line between yes and no and the decision can only be made by me. In fact, it is a struggle for me. Like it or not, we do struggle and with this struggle in us, we know how to choose a decision between a good decision and a bad one. As for me, before every decision that I have to made, I have to think twice. Sometimes, not even twice but a few times. I started to ask myself, why do I need to think so many times before every decision that I need to made? Will this exhaust me? Why do I struggle a lot? Is that necessary? Will that help me? After a while of all these questions coming out from my mind, started to realize that why this thing brother me a lot? So I just say a prayer and up hold it to God.

Is just a prayer away wah…..

Thursday, March 09, 2006


Yesterday was a day full of challenge for me. I don’t have enough time to drop down what had happened yesterday, so I have to write it down today.

I got to know my result in the morning around 10.30pm. After I know my result, it’s again another difficult thing for me to accept and to repeat what I use to repeat it again. I ask God and even scolded God saying that what else? What else you want from me? Do you have any idea how hurt am I? Do you know the pain inside me? My emotions make me lost my direction and hope my hope and trust in God. Within that half an hour later, I confess to God saying that I am sorry for complaining and blaming on you for this. In fact, I know there are more than what I expect God will use in me as I prayer for this year is ‘Use me Oh Lord’.

I started to pick myself up again and keep my trust and hope in God again. It’s tough, it pain but what else can I do? People surround me went speechless when I told them that I didn’t manage to get a pass AGAIN. They have no idea how to encourage me and have no idea what should they said so that I will not stop giving up. Even my very best friend saw me fall and stand up AGAIN and AGAIN.

When I let my cell group know that it’s been another failure again, all they can say is to pray for me. From yesterday, I get to know that no one can help me anymore. No word from them to encourage me and they have no idea how pain am I now. But only God know because every failure, He was there.

The title for today daily bread is The Good that Pain can do. Hmm…it go well with me and I can again reminds me that I am here for a reason, God have His Will and Ways for me. All I can do now is to set my focus right again and continue to trust and have faith in God. The process is tough but the result will be excellent. Difficult lesson but powerful testimony.


Around evening time, my colleague and I went to Mc Donald not for dinner but to know deeper about a part time job that we are interested about. It’s about investment and convincing people to invest into their fund. Sound interesting and can earn a lot but everything come with good and bad, so from the good part, there are also a tough part. The product itself is a very good product. I personally have no worries about the product. When I reach home, I discussed this with my boyfriend and my housemate; they also said that investment is good. At the same time, they also pop up a very good question for me, where do I get my target audience?

The question that my housemate gave me is very true. She makes me think that it’s even tougher than I can imagine now. It’s all about yourself and winning the inside you. Throwing the pride in you, begging, doing non-stop research, and paying extra time and effort just for a better pay.
After spent some time discussion about this part time job, I wonder do people invest their money into all these kind of fund? A few thousand of hard work money and then hand it into one investor consultant. As for me, can I trust that consultant? What make me trust him/her? Same goes to me when I really take up this challenge. What make people trust me with that much money they have hard earn? Investment do have earn and lost. If they lose their money, the trust that I earn from them last time totally gone. Some more my name are worst than shit. My name worst than a shit should be not big problem but what if it interrupt the name of Christianity?

Another thing that worry me a lot is that, do I have enough time for all these training, appointments, and meeting up? How about my serving? How about God? Am I getting too much of all these negative thought? All these are really the fact that we should consider really well before we commit ourselves into other commitment.

This job come with advantages too I believe. My life is not about myself and it’s no longer belongs to me. It belongs to God. Before I make any stupid choices, better pray about it first. If anyone of you planned before to invest your money to all kind of fund and have faith in investment, please let me know. Thanks

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

How we define life

Today my mom called me and tell me that one of my aunt might have lung cancer because when she go and x-ray her lung, the doctor found out that there is one shadow in her lung that might be a tumor or cancer. Tomorrow, my result will be out and I feel emotional now but and I told myself, who I am to compare with I compare it with people that are facing life and death now.

I get a bit sad when I got to know that because this aunt of mine is a close relative of us and she take care of us since we are babies. She watched us grow, become adult and continue to care about our career and life.

Life seems to be so short and meaningless when I get to know this news. Her age not yet reach 50 but she has to suffer this kind of pain and fear in her life. I called her just now and I can hear that from her tone, that she is so fearful and helpless. I advice her that the only thing we can do now is to pray to God and only God can help us.

It suddenly remind us that we should spend more time with our love’s one instead of our career. What for if we gain the whole world but no one to share our happiness and joy? What for if we have everything but we lost the love’s of our life? What else is the meaning of life? Life can be so short and yet it can be so meaningful. It can be another way round too.

As I thought a bit deeper, life is really precious. It’s more precious than silver or gold. I don’t understand why some people rather to commit suicide than to continue to face their challenge? Some people beg God everyday and hope that their life will be a little bit longer, in another side; people are taking their life away just like that because they can no longer face tomorrow.

Life can be so difficult and yet it can be so wonderful and beautiful. As for me, life is about a piece of drawing that only God is in control. In the early stage of the drawing, it might be ugly, plain and meaningless. As the creator continues to draw the picture, when it is finish, it will be a picture that worth a million words and it will be a perfect picture. Sometimes, we might hate black color but that is the only way for us. When we have another blue and white, it will again brighten our day. It only depends on us how we see the value of life.

Oh Lord, please grand everyone’s of us courage as we will face each day full of challenge. Guide our heart that we live everyday full of meaning and wonderful memories. That when our time is here, we have no regret in our life but joy that we can finally meet each other.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I get frustrated….

I really do when i think of I have to work tomorrow because of my lady boss. I don’t know what I should do to again to satisfy her need. She is so controlling, like to change her mind often and everything that I did seems to be wrong and not good enough. Everything that I did is not good enough. She pick people to love, trust and she look down on people with different race from her. She is very powerful in my company and yet I doubt how come this kind of people can become a good leader and gain favor from CEO?

Not that she thinks that I am not good enough but she trust no body in our department except those who can please her. Sometimes, I think that maybe I should try to please her too so that when she have favor on me, I might get an increment fast, high performance and bonus because if she dislike a particular person, no matter how good your work is, how much effort you put or how intelligent you are, you will not get any increment because her favor are not on you. Indeed, I did try to please her but I cannot accept myself doing this. I live to please God and only God I will please. Who she think she is, she is only my superior not my cell leader, what for I want to please her?

Because I choose to be myself, I get scolded almost everyday and I get scolded even it is not my fault. Now, she complain toward my senior and ask my senior to try to advice me not to go back 5pm sharp. I think about it myself, what’s going on now? My working hour ended at 5pm, I have finished my thing and yet I can’t go back at 5pm? What kind of company is this? Don’t I have a life of my own?

She wants to control everything and everyone. Even the cup that put on our personally table are not washed, she also want to scold and control of it. Might as well she hire a robot and work with her since that she require no suggestion from us, no feeling and only work like a cow.

I cannot believe that I have to face her everyday. Oh Lord, please strengthen me.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Fast and pray

Today is the first day of our 40 days fast and prayer for the lent season. Hmmm… how do I feel now? I do feel excited and a bit worry because not only that I fast a meal a day but I fast drama series and TV as well. If anyone knows me well, they should know that I like to watch drama series and movie a lot. So, should I continue to be excited? Anyway, I still feel excited. Excited because the whole church is fasting and praying, worry because I scared I can’t stand until the 40th days. I remember last few years that our church have these 40 days fast and prayer, I joined the whole church to fast and pray together but I failed. So, I do pray that God will give me strength and self-control to stand strong in the midst of struggle ness and temptation that I can seek His face and touch by God personally.

Well, what should I pray for? Let me think… In these 40 days of transformation, I would like to learn more about humility and different breakthrough. It won’t be easy because there will be a lot of strong hold that try to break you down. But I am not afraid and willing to take up the challenge to pray for my family, my love’s one, my church my nation and myself. Wow, it gonna be excited. So, why not we encourage one another? When one person falls down, the other will pick him/her up and continue and enjoy in the midst of suffering.

The very first thing that I would like to pray for is to pray for myself. I pray that God will teach my to humble myself. Humility is a very difficult lesson. Someone took his or her whole life to learn to humble and use by God. I hope that I don’t need to talk my whole life to learn humility.

Just now, my church has a pray meeting to stir up our spirit to pray together as we start the first day of this excited event. It is a good prayer meeting that we can draw close to God again and pray for the church. After the meeting, as usual I went home and prepare myself to rest. Before that, I chat with a brother online in MSN. He said that he would be jobless soon because of the ceased contract. The more we talk about job, the more we release how ridiculous this world had become.

SPM Cert + Working Experience = High Pay
Diploma Cert + Little Working Experience = Normal Pay
Degree Cert + No Working Experience = Jobless / Low Pay

In another way round, study business came out and work in a restaurant or study IT came our work as a sales executive. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with this world? The higher you study, the lower pay you get because almost everyone is a degree holder. What make you so special? Some of the employers now think that, you work with me like a cow with low pay or you continue jobless because I don’t care, a lot more people want a job like this. Many people said that if they know working experience is that important, they should start to work at the first place.

Of course, there are good employers too. But how long we take to find that good company and employers? Speechless…

What can we do now? Just kneel down and pray to God and pray that the Lord will provide...