1.40am

I've seldom wake up middle of the night just to drop down my thought nowadays. But tonight, I just feel like writing something.

It's 1.40am now that I woke up and open up my working laptop to write a few words and pray that I will have a good rest after I write it down.

Friendship.... a word that used to be so closed to my heart and now seems like a stranger to me. Some people are lucky enough to have good friendship all the way throughout their journey of life. Some called themselves blessed when he/she found someone that walk with him/her for a quarter of life. As for me, I name myself blessed and fortunate to experience the journey of my life for us to walk together for a quarter of the trip.

I always mention that time is moving, so as some peoples life and things around us. I always remind myself to appreciate the "moment" that I ones have with someone for I know; I will never walk back the same path with him/her.

Until today, I am still thinking, what is the true definition of friendship? I thought I knew it so well, did it so well and had gave it all well but up to today, I get confuse with it. Is it only about the moment? Or only for temporary happiness. People said best friend difficult to find but I used to say that is not true. I guessed it is true now for this new chapter of my life.

Sometimes, I rather choose to be alone than to take my heart out and I get it back in pieces.

**Who are you, friendship? I no longer know you**

Unspoken cry

I only want to serve You, why is it so hard?

I only want to be with You, why is it so far?

I only want to love You, why is it so pain?

Lord, may Your grace sufficient for me each day. May Your presence be with me always. May Your wisdom is enough for me and May Your comfort come when there is only tears I can shed in a silent pain, invisible burden and a quiet journey.

**Unspoken cry**

This is how it work

**How cool is this...**

Everyone knows that to maintain a long distance relationship is tough. Even people around me said that it is impossible to maintain a long distance relationship or they will said that they don’t believe in long distance relationship. I used to be one of them but things changed, so as my thought. I believe that we are separated for a reason and he thinks that too because everything happen for a reason. To be in a relationship is never easy, what more than not being around with each other.

**I'm watching American Idol from 8tv through the web cam in Danny's place**

We try to be there, try to spend more time togehter and try to endure till the times come when we will be together all the time. As for now, we will focus on what we are called to do. May God’s grace sufficient for both of us and may He be the center of us.

**It work...**

It’s been a week now

It’s been a week that i’ve left the place i’ve spent 6 years. Can’t believe that i’ve been here for a week. Everything started to be ok although i’m still not very sure of many things. When people ask me, are you ok? I answered, i’m ok but i doubted. Am i really ok? I am blur more than ok. Some pastors ask me, are you ok? I look at them for a few sec and said, erm... i guess so. Then i said i am ok and will be ok. Right now, just a bit blur. Then they said, it’s ok. It’s ok to be not ok and it’s ok to be blur. I guess they didn’t expect me to be ok in such a short period too. Well, i don’t wish to push myself to be ok in such a short period too.

Cried for a few days, slowly i started to get use to it. At least i know where to do laundry, where to find food, where am i working, where i sit, how should i wear, where should i go and where is the church. Started to get use to it that he no longer beside me and can’t meet him everyday. All i have is only his voice. Sometimes, i still can see him but i can’t touch him. Being in a distance love so far is still ok for me. As least i still able to cope it and it’s not as bad as i thought. Of course, we have to pray hard to reduce unnecessary miscommunication. May God guide us through.

Deep inside, i know i’m ready. Ready in a sense that whatever i’ll be facing, challenges that i will have to take and things that i will learn and to be mold. I’m excited in how God will use me in another hand, i’m blur as well. May God show me His direction. This is it... This is the land where i will be different person. A land that will mold me, train me to be a stronger, better person and closer to Him. Same journey, new chapter of life.

**A week of blur**

A calm night

Tonight is a calm and beautiful night. The music plays and a calm wind blow by. I hold my hands together to get warmer. Sitting in a strange place with him sitting beside me. I look around and have a thought for awhile. Time pass so fast and it only left 2 more days before I fly off. How do I really feel right now? Besides of all the busy settling stuff, handling things, meeting up with friends and catching up with books, I really didn’t spare much time in recognizing my feeling.

Can’t deny that tear is the biggest issue for me right now. I’ve been in this place and been in this church for 6 years. Feeling sad to leave is such a normal case for me. I can’t believe time pass this fast that my time has finally came. In another hand, I am excited for the new life that I’m going to face and yet I too have the problem of letting go and move on. After all, like it or not, I will still have to move on and prepare for the journey that I will meet in my coming days.

Thank you for those who remember me, treat me for such an expensive dinner, willing to spare their precious time with me and trying so hard to make things work out for me. I truly appreciate and I can’t stop giving thanks to God when I thought of you all.

Two more days... I can only pray that the Lord is with me, calm my emotion and help me to adapt to new places as soon as possible.

**A calm night**

Last day in PBHSB

Can’t believe that today is the last day working in this company. I’ve been working here for two years and seven months. Exactly two years and seven months. I started to join on 3rd of October 2005 and my last day is 3rd of May 2008.

How do I feel right now? Other than busy settling work, I felt kinda sad. Sad as in I’m leaving and when we meet again, it will never be the same anymore. It’s really my joy to be with them and to work together with them. Although gossip is around, blame is always around but when we laugh, we laugh together and when we suffer, each other is there coz they don’t really have any choice coz it’s their own responsibility as well. Hahaha…

I’m glad to know them and with every one of them and they’ve been a blessing in my life. When time comes, we all have to move on. I wish all of them good luck and all the happiness. May their wish come true.

**Happy going, happy growing**

To be continue…

Well, like that…I’m 24th. Only one single day, I’m now in the column of 24-26 instead of 21-23. No longer 21st, no longer 18th now.

So, after worked, I waited Danny to pick me up and we have our dinner in Mc Donald and some chit chat with some friends. When I reach home, I was thinking to clean my room just for the sake of going to celebrate my birthday, wish to have a clean and tidy room. Low and behold, when I open my room door, everything is in order and it’s clean. I looked at him and smile. With a big hug and said thank you. So touch… he clean my room again. :)

Since I don’t need to clean the room so I took bath and have some rest. Eventually, my rest will lead me to sleep. I slept for half an hour and I was awake by the small sound of whispering. Open up my eyes, I saw a book that I long to buy and I wish to read. I wish to buy that novel so much because the content in it is so attractive. Once I start to read that novel in the bookstore popular, I cannot let go. There are a lot more books that I wish to buy before I go; therefore I have to let go of the novel that I love so much. Who knows, he bought it for me just as a surprise present. I am really happy and ask him, how do you know? Then I laugh myself and think it’s kinda obvious coz I keep mention about the book and keep thinking wanted to buy or not and what are the reasons not to buy it. Now, I hold it happily and read it cheerfully.

After the book, I read one chapter and prepare for my TV - American idol and American next top model. That’s how I spend my last day of being 23rd.

Thank you for those who remember and greet me. I received a few unexpected calls, sms and gifts. Indeed, I’m happy and blessed. Never expect certain people will remember but they did and expected certain people to remember but they didn’t greet me. Anyway, no matter you remember or not, I’m still happy and blessed with friends and family around. Another blessed day and another meaningful birthday.

**Happy Birthday to me**

The last day of 23rd

Tomorrow onward, I’ll be 24th. Hmm… how do it feel to be 24th? Well, I do miss the time when I was young and energetic. Not to said that I’m no longer that active but my activeness have limits nowadays. Growing old is actually a really scary things. Maybe you never realize that you walk slower than others, you forgot things faster than other people and you can no longer walk a few shopping malls in one day. Well, I didn’t said that I’m that old. Anyhow, 24th is still a beautiful age to go passionate and crazy for God.

The last day of being 23rd…..hmm….

This morning I wake up with a thought in my mind. Tomorrow is my birthday. How do I feel? How would I want that day to be? To be normal like everyday basis or to be extraordinary and try different things? wait… before that, maybe I should settle today. So, last day of 23rd ya. I’ll never have my 23rd again. I guess today I should do something that I never do before. Maybe:-


#Watch movie alone? – After work is 5pm and I need to stay at home to prepare to watch American Idol at 9.30pm, plus and minus with bath and dinner I guess not much time left for me to watch movie alone

#Eat alone? – Normally Danny will eat with me. If so I eat alone, I tried that before so, next….

#Eat only ice cream for the whole day? – Now is 1.35pm and it’s half day so, not really into eating ice cream for the whole day

#Eat chocolate only? Wow…. This is tempting… but I don’t think so

#Fly kite with Danny? – This is something I always beg him to do with me but where to find kite in such a short time and where is the place to fly it up?

#Watch sunset? Cool… this is nice but off work at 5pm and plus the jam… I afraid that I’ll end up frustrated more than happy on my last 23rd


So far, that’s all I got in my mind. I guess I just pass my last day simply with someone that I love so much, care a lot and count my joy and blessing that God is with me for pass 23 years. No matter where I go, as long as I’m happy, in a great mood, a normal and routine day can be a bright and interesting day. :)

**The last day of 23rd**

Stronger???

How do we normally define the word, stronger?

You felt down, you cry. You pick yourself up, you grow stronger? Or emotionless?

You face life heartache journey. You cry aloud and you learn to take care of your own heart. You become stronger? Or selfish?

You face financial crisis. You learn to save and cherish every penny. You learn to be stronger? Or stingy?

What is the definition?

I am leaving… I cry… time pass… I adapted to it… tears no longer an issue for me. I become stronger? Or become heartless?


**Stronger?**

The journey

Last night, I realise that many people are leaving. Some to further their study; some go after their own dream, some trying to settle down into a more stable life while some would like to set their path right. Like it or not, there is a road that we have to travel individually.

The statement of ‘people come and go; only true friends will leave heart print in your heart’ has become so real. The journey of life is so long. When we were kids, friends that we meet are different. Things that we expect or required from them are different. When we grown a little bit into becoming youth, some of us might forgot the friends that we use to play with when we were kids past few years.

After youth, we become young adult. College life started to be busy and tons of assignment is closer to the due date. Friends that we made and friends that are around us are no longer the same. Some will get closer of you because you’re smart. Meanwhile other will try to get your favour for the sake of your car. The older you grow, the less true friends you found.

In every season of life, I believe that there will be someone God provide to keep you accompany and to walk with you. When you’ve reach the end of the season, it will be the time you said goodbye to the friend that used to walk with you and said hello to a new friend for the next period of life. The cycle will go on and once you ruin the opportunity, you ruin the friendship.

I like it or not, people come and people go. No matter how much we used to stop the changes and pray that things will remain the same. Yet it remains changing without anyone’s approval.

There is a road that I will travel and adventure with someone else. The same goes to every one of us. I give thanks for those to walk with me, cry with me, laugh with me, play with me, pain with me, crazy with me, grow up with me, stay still with me, and pray for me. With a grateful heart, I give thanks to God. We might not be that close anymore when we meet again in the future. Maybe awkward feeling will appear and can’t think of any topic to start the conversation or to continue the discussion but I want everyone that closed to me before to know that when I walk with you, I cherish the time that we used to have together and I have fun.

**Happy going, happy growing**

So this is it then…

The uncertainties have become certain now. The unsure is now become surer and surer. The time is here; the opportunity is just in front of my next steps.

I’ve been struggling, been waiting, been asking and it is here now.

As the day coming closer and closer, I feel excited about it. Happy and joyful continuously come. As the time is here, I began to see the picture. Although my future is unsecured and still filled with uncertainties but with the promise that God is always with me, God is my security who is against me?

Seriously, I’m not afraid in what I’ll meet later on in my life, in where I’ll stayed or what I’ll eat to get myself full but I will face heartache in another step that I will take.

The last thing that I will ask for is to feel what I’m going to feel. The feeling of missing someone so much and yet you can do nothing about it. You can only hear from him/her. Literally only can hear.

My heart grows cold and my appetite will turn down. Although you know it’s just the matter of time and yet it is tough for me. My goose bump will rise up and tears will fall from my cheek non-stop. I hug you to let you know how I feel and I never want to let you go. I will never let go….

**This is it**

Temptation

Recently my department has this keep fit thing going on. Every lunch period we will talk about keeping fit topic such as how to maintain, what not to eat, what to eat, when to eat, when not to eat and so on. I have to admit that I really gain weight and I’ve stop controlling what I ate lately. Maintaining is actually an issue for me. Want me to maintain not eating certain things that’s torturing.

I like chocolate…. Wait…let me rearrange my word. I lovessssss chocolate like mad. There is one year during lent season; I purposely fast for chocolate due to worry that I’ll over addict to it. Well, I’ve successfully done it proudly.

I love chocolate, I love chocolate cake, I love chocolate donut, and I love everything that comes with chocolate. I didn’t realize that I love chocolate so much until a few years back. I started to love chocolate since I was a little girl… as far as I remember, when I was 8 years old I guess. Everything that I choose will always be chocolate. Of course, not those cheap chocolate that taste weird…

For some people, chocolate is a temptation for them. As for me, it’s a luxury. When you ate such an expensive chocolate and you let it melt in your mouth… that moment, you can feel comfort and joy and your stress will all gone for a while. Not forever, but for a while. I guess most of the time I can’t maintain my weight because I love to eat things that will gives extra weight and yet I don’t want to sacrifice it.

You try to look at the picture beside… it is irresistible. How can one man that love this chocolate so much will said no to it.

The worst part is, I will crave for it once a month when my period is around the corner. Terrible??? I think so too….

**Chocolate**

How deep?

It’s another year of Good Friday. Every year of these days, it will be a mourning day. A day where every Christian should remember what God has done for us and should grief for our sin and sorrow for our wrong. In the midst of reminding ourselves, we able to rejoice even more when Sunday comes and Salvation is so real. By His grace, we are who we are today and by His mercy, we are saved.

As for me, I tried to ask myself how much is my love for God. Every time I talk to Him, I’ll tell Him that I love Him. I’ll tell Him that I really love Him that I willing to give up my everything for Him. Today, when the question came into my mind, how much I love Him? Is it giving up my all gives the definition of loving Him so much? If that so, why do I keep giving Him a hard feeling? Could I just give the reason saying that I’m weak and that’s it? I got stuck. How deep is my love? Or how wide could my love go?

Sometimes, love God is so much easier than loving man but there are times as well whereby love man will be much relaxing than loving God.

It’s an opportunity for myself to realize how deep my love can go for Him or how real is my commitment toward Him.

With Him, I learn to love him and with Him, I learn to be willing. Willing to give, willing to take, willing to let go and willing to sacrifice.

In this year of Good Friday, maybe we all can think how deep is your love got Him?

**How deep?**

A grateful one-year

Can’t believe that time flies and it’s been a year that we walk through the journey of being together. I thank God for his grace and mercy for what both of us have gone through. It is only God and us know how we feel when the first year has reached and there are many more years to come.

Every season in our life, we’re together. With a willing or unwilling heart, we promise to be there, to hold on and to endure. Love is never an easy lesson to learn and yet with him, I learn the meaning of unconditional love and I learn how much God has loved me. With a promise that He will not leave me, I promise I will not leave Him also. With this, I learn to love man with absolute love.

We might not get a secured promise from man that they will never change, but originally, security is from God and not from man. Maybe things will change but when I have the opportunity to love and care with my all, I did my best to care and love. That I will not regret in the future.

I cherish, I treasure, I appreciate

**Thank God for the 1st year**

The excitement of our new church

Yesterday we have our Consecration Service in our new church, new building, Faith Christian center. I could not explain how we all felt when the service started, the hymn is sung and music played, people clapping hands with joy in their heart and face. Gratefully we praise and worship Him.

After a long period of giving, struggling, finding, looking, longing…. It is finally here and it is finally done.

The place is awesome. It’s beautiful and magnificent. The cross is shining; people are lifting hands to give Him praise. It’s a marvelous moment, a moment where everyone is longing for.

So happy… we have a beautiful church.

In this gorgeous moment, camera is the only thing you will not bring and yet I forgot to bring my camera after I charge the battery the day before. Doink***

**Excited**

Quarrel

Quarrel will happen when differences opinion are given, support and trust are no longer within them and win or lose is a big matter.

Couples separated due to misunderstand, broke up due to ego and heart broken due to uncompromising. What make a couple last for 50 years and yet they still can bear with one another? What make couple continue to support each other although they might not believe in it? What make them to stay committed? Money? Sex? Or power?

As for me, I’ll say because of God. God is love. So, we learned to love. In journey of learning to love, costs that were paid are uncountable. Patients that have been given are unlimited. Times that they’ve spent are nothing can substitute it. Moment of being together is irreplaceable. Memories will always be a last thing you want to let go.

Love is never easy and yet God never stop loving us. Why should we stop loving?

Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes
Always perseveres.
Love never fails.

**The greatest of all is Love**

Lost

Recently, I felt bored with life. I don’t know why. Seems like everything I did is not right, not useful, not interesting…. I wonder why. I felt bored watching drama series at home; bored with eating the same old meal, same old stall, bored with doing what I am doing now no matter in church or in my work place. I just don’t feel like it. What had happen? I’m still wonder….

Lost of passion? Lost of vision? Or lost of direction?

Am I tired? I am tired of waiting. I am tired of pending but there is nothing much I can do. Since I’ve wait and wait so long, what else do I expect?

Am I tired of serving? I guess I am…

Maybe I don’t feel what people around me are feeling. I did try to find the same feeling and yet I couldn’t get the right sense.

Lord, I’m sorry… I just don’t feel what everyone else is feeling.

**Lost**

Believe

All depends on what you believe, some other will say….

Yesterday as I walked myself home, suddenly the phase ‘love at first sight’ bump into me. As I was thinking… I never believe love at first sight. I think that will never happen to me and it is just stupid. I believe that love have to start with a man-to-man connection and not sight-to-sight connection. Well, that’s my point of view.

I guessed the root cause is believed. If you believe such a thing, miraculously, you will able to find the thing that you believe in. If you believe such an incident, it will happen. If you believe love at first sight, I guess the introduction of your love story should have something to do with love at first sight.

Rev Doc. Stephen Tong said before that, love at first sight, divorce at first fight. Well, this is debatable since it’s all up to our own perspective. As for me, I truly agree because human’s heart is never as simple as the appearance or maybe not as pretty as the appearance.

Again, it’s all about your believe system. Maybe this is all about the mind. That’s why most of the people will say that everything is in your mind. Maybe your fate is all in your mind too. It depends how you think about it. It depends you choose to think positive or negative.

The battle start within your mind…

** The battle of your mind**

I’m the happiest

Today I’m the luckiest and happiest girl in this world. Well, that’s what I feel right now. Although time flies, Chinese New Year just passed and my nose is leaking now, I still have the same feeling.

Why so? Because my room is cleaned by him which he seldom do it for me (my room is so clean that the place that I never clean before is now sparkling) and my lunch is ordered and delivered by him (which is something I wanted to eat so much and with the hot soup that can at least make me feel a bit comfortable with my not feeling well nose now).

Awww…. I feel so blessed and loved that I have to write this down. I’m the luckiest, I’m the happiest and I got the best man ever.

**I’m the luckiest**

I’m back

Coming back to the real life is always a tough thing for me. Emotion swings like crazy, every minute of my time I miss home like crazy and the worst thing is to come back to work. It’s not about I like my job or not but it’s about staying alone in a big city whereby I can only cry out to God when I’m down and I need someone to understand me.

When I reach my KL home, the first feeling… this place looks familiar. Even my eyes have to take some time to get used to what I am seeing. What more about my feelings? The same feeling when I step into my office.

I am a girl that feeling always comes first more than word. Most of the time, I don’t know what to say when there’s only tears I’ll shed.

Although I’m a bit down yesterday but I still manage to enjoy my Valentine Day with him. Never expect any surprises from him but he did something for me. I really enjoy last night to be with him although he is not feeling well and we only manage to grab dinner. What meaningful is not the value of the gift but the effort that he paid and the time that he spend with me.

Lastly, I’m happy to be back to be with him but I’m sad to leave my home again. I wish I could have both…

** I’m back**