Last day in PBHSB

Can’t believe that today is the last day working in this company. I’ve been working here for two years and seven months. Exactly two years and seven months. I started to join on 3rd of October 2005 and my last day is 3rd of May 2008.

How do I feel right now? Other than busy settling work, I felt kinda sad. Sad as in I’m leaving and when we meet again, it will never be the same anymore. It’s really my joy to be with them and to work together with them. Although gossip is around, blame is always around but when we laugh, we laugh together and when we suffer, each other is there coz they don’t really have any choice coz it’s their own responsibility as well. Hahaha…

I’m glad to know them and with every one of them and they’ve been a blessing in my life. When time comes, we all have to move on. I wish all of them good luck and all the happiness. May their wish come true.

**Happy going, happy growing**

To be continue…

Well, like that…I’m 24th. Only one single day, I’m now in the column of 24-26 instead of 21-23. No longer 21st, no longer 18th now.

So, after worked, I waited Danny to pick me up and we have our dinner in Mc Donald and some chit chat with some friends. When I reach home, I was thinking to clean my room just for the sake of going to celebrate my birthday, wish to have a clean and tidy room. Low and behold, when I open my room door, everything is in order and it’s clean. I looked at him and smile. With a big hug and said thank you. So touch… he clean my room again. :)

Since I don’t need to clean the room so I took bath and have some rest. Eventually, my rest will lead me to sleep. I slept for half an hour and I was awake by the small sound of whispering. Open up my eyes, I saw a book that I long to buy and I wish to read. I wish to buy that novel so much because the content in it is so attractive. Once I start to read that novel in the bookstore popular, I cannot let go. There are a lot more books that I wish to buy before I go; therefore I have to let go of the novel that I love so much. Who knows, he bought it for me just as a surprise present. I am really happy and ask him, how do you know? Then I laugh myself and think it’s kinda obvious coz I keep mention about the book and keep thinking wanted to buy or not and what are the reasons not to buy it. Now, I hold it happily and read it cheerfully.

After the book, I read one chapter and prepare for my TV - American idol and American next top model. That’s how I spend my last day of being 23rd.

Thank you for those who remember and greet me. I received a few unexpected calls, sms and gifts. Indeed, I’m happy and blessed. Never expect certain people will remember but they did and expected certain people to remember but they didn’t greet me. Anyway, no matter you remember or not, I’m still happy and blessed with friends and family around. Another blessed day and another meaningful birthday.

**Happy Birthday to me**

The last day of 23rd

Tomorrow onward, I’ll be 24th. Hmm… how do it feel to be 24th? Well, I do miss the time when I was young and energetic. Not to said that I’m no longer that active but my activeness have limits nowadays. Growing old is actually a really scary things. Maybe you never realize that you walk slower than others, you forgot things faster than other people and you can no longer walk a few shopping malls in one day. Well, I didn’t said that I’m that old. Anyhow, 24th is still a beautiful age to go passionate and crazy for God.

The last day of being 23rd…..hmm….

This morning I wake up with a thought in my mind. Tomorrow is my birthday. How do I feel? How would I want that day to be? To be normal like everyday basis or to be extraordinary and try different things? wait… before that, maybe I should settle today. So, last day of 23rd ya. I’ll never have my 23rd again. I guess today I should do something that I never do before. Maybe:-


#Watch movie alone? – After work is 5pm and I need to stay at home to prepare to watch American Idol at 9.30pm, plus and minus with bath and dinner I guess not much time left for me to watch movie alone

#Eat alone? – Normally Danny will eat with me. If so I eat alone, I tried that before so, next….

#Eat only ice cream for the whole day? – Now is 1.35pm and it’s half day so, not really into eating ice cream for the whole day

#Eat chocolate only? Wow…. This is tempting… but I don’t think so

#Fly kite with Danny? – This is something I always beg him to do with me but where to find kite in such a short time and where is the place to fly it up?

#Watch sunset? Cool… this is nice but off work at 5pm and plus the jam… I afraid that I’ll end up frustrated more than happy on my last 23rd


So far, that’s all I got in my mind. I guess I just pass my last day simply with someone that I love so much, care a lot and count my joy and blessing that God is with me for pass 23 years. No matter where I go, as long as I’m happy, in a great mood, a normal and routine day can be a bright and interesting day. :)

**The last day of 23rd**

Stronger???

How do we normally define the word, stronger?

You felt down, you cry. You pick yourself up, you grow stronger? Or emotionless?

You face life heartache journey. You cry aloud and you learn to take care of your own heart. You become stronger? Or selfish?

You face financial crisis. You learn to save and cherish every penny. You learn to be stronger? Or stingy?

What is the definition?

I am leaving… I cry… time pass… I adapted to it… tears no longer an issue for me. I become stronger? Or become heartless?


**Stronger?**

The journey

Last night, I realise that many people are leaving. Some to further their study; some go after their own dream, some trying to settle down into a more stable life while some would like to set their path right. Like it or not, there is a road that we have to travel individually.

The statement of ‘people come and go; only true friends will leave heart print in your heart’ has become so real. The journey of life is so long. When we were kids, friends that we meet are different. Things that we expect or required from them are different. When we grown a little bit into becoming youth, some of us might forgot the friends that we use to play with when we were kids past few years.

After youth, we become young adult. College life started to be busy and tons of assignment is closer to the due date. Friends that we made and friends that are around us are no longer the same. Some will get closer of you because you’re smart. Meanwhile other will try to get your favour for the sake of your car. The older you grow, the less true friends you found.

In every season of life, I believe that there will be someone God provide to keep you accompany and to walk with you. When you’ve reach the end of the season, it will be the time you said goodbye to the friend that used to walk with you and said hello to a new friend for the next period of life. The cycle will go on and once you ruin the opportunity, you ruin the friendship.

I like it or not, people come and people go. No matter how much we used to stop the changes and pray that things will remain the same. Yet it remains changing without anyone’s approval.

There is a road that I will travel and adventure with someone else. The same goes to every one of us. I give thanks for those to walk with me, cry with me, laugh with me, play with me, pain with me, crazy with me, grow up with me, stay still with me, and pray for me. With a grateful heart, I give thanks to God. We might not be that close anymore when we meet again in the future. Maybe awkward feeling will appear and can’t think of any topic to start the conversation or to continue the discussion but I want everyone that closed to me before to know that when I walk with you, I cherish the time that we used to have together and I have fun.

**Happy going, happy growing**

So this is it then…

The uncertainties have become certain now. The unsure is now become surer and surer. The time is here; the opportunity is just in front of my next steps.

I’ve been struggling, been waiting, been asking and it is here now.

As the day coming closer and closer, I feel excited about it. Happy and joyful continuously come. As the time is here, I began to see the picture. Although my future is unsecured and still filled with uncertainties but with the promise that God is always with me, God is my security who is against me?

Seriously, I’m not afraid in what I’ll meet later on in my life, in where I’ll stayed or what I’ll eat to get myself full but I will face heartache in another step that I will take.

The last thing that I will ask for is to feel what I’m going to feel. The feeling of missing someone so much and yet you can do nothing about it. You can only hear from him/her. Literally only can hear.

My heart grows cold and my appetite will turn down. Although you know it’s just the matter of time and yet it is tough for me. My goose bump will rise up and tears will fall from my cheek non-stop. I hug you to let you know how I feel and I never want to let you go. I will never let go….

**This is it**

Temptation

Recently my department has this keep fit thing going on. Every lunch period we will talk about keeping fit topic such as how to maintain, what not to eat, what to eat, when to eat, when not to eat and so on. I have to admit that I really gain weight and I’ve stop controlling what I ate lately. Maintaining is actually an issue for me. Want me to maintain not eating certain things that’s torturing.

I like chocolate…. Wait…let me rearrange my word. I lovessssss chocolate like mad. There is one year during lent season; I purposely fast for chocolate due to worry that I’ll over addict to it. Well, I’ve successfully done it proudly.

I love chocolate, I love chocolate cake, I love chocolate donut, and I love everything that comes with chocolate. I didn’t realize that I love chocolate so much until a few years back. I started to love chocolate since I was a little girl… as far as I remember, when I was 8 years old I guess. Everything that I choose will always be chocolate. Of course, not those cheap chocolate that taste weird…

For some people, chocolate is a temptation for them. As for me, it’s a luxury. When you ate such an expensive chocolate and you let it melt in your mouth… that moment, you can feel comfort and joy and your stress will all gone for a while. Not forever, but for a while. I guess most of the time I can’t maintain my weight because I love to eat things that will gives extra weight and yet I don’t want to sacrifice it.

You try to look at the picture beside… it is irresistible. How can one man that love this chocolate so much will said no to it.

The worst part is, I will crave for it once a month when my period is around the corner. Terrible??? I think so too….

**Chocolate**

How deep?

It’s another year of Good Friday. Every year of these days, it will be a mourning day. A day where every Christian should remember what God has done for us and should grief for our sin and sorrow for our wrong. In the midst of reminding ourselves, we able to rejoice even more when Sunday comes and Salvation is so real. By His grace, we are who we are today and by His mercy, we are saved.

As for me, I tried to ask myself how much is my love for God. Every time I talk to Him, I’ll tell Him that I love Him. I’ll tell Him that I really love Him that I willing to give up my everything for Him. Today, when the question came into my mind, how much I love Him? Is it giving up my all gives the definition of loving Him so much? If that so, why do I keep giving Him a hard feeling? Could I just give the reason saying that I’m weak and that’s it? I got stuck. How deep is my love? Or how wide could my love go?

Sometimes, love God is so much easier than loving man but there are times as well whereby love man will be much relaxing than loving God.

It’s an opportunity for myself to realize how deep my love can go for Him or how real is my commitment toward Him.

With Him, I learn to love him and with Him, I learn to be willing. Willing to give, willing to take, willing to let go and willing to sacrifice.

In this year of Good Friday, maybe we all can think how deep is your love got Him?

**How deep?**

A grateful one-year

Can’t believe that time flies and it’s been a year that we walk through the journey of being together. I thank God for his grace and mercy for what both of us have gone through. It is only God and us know how we feel when the first year has reached and there are many more years to come.

Every season in our life, we’re together. With a willing or unwilling heart, we promise to be there, to hold on and to endure. Love is never an easy lesson to learn and yet with him, I learn the meaning of unconditional love and I learn how much God has loved me. With a promise that He will not leave me, I promise I will not leave Him also. With this, I learn to love man with absolute love.

We might not get a secured promise from man that they will never change, but originally, security is from God and not from man. Maybe things will change but when I have the opportunity to love and care with my all, I did my best to care and love. That I will not regret in the future.

I cherish, I treasure, I appreciate

**Thank God for the 1st year**

The excitement of our new church

Yesterday we have our Consecration Service in our new church, new building, Faith Christian center. I could not explain how we all felt when the service started, the hymn is sung and music played, people clapping hands with joy in their heart and face. Gratefully we praise and worship Him.

After a long period of giving, struggling, finding, looking, longing…. It is finally here and it is finally done.

The place is awesome. It’s beautiful and magnificent. The cross is shining; people are lifting hands to give Him praise. It’s a marvelous moment, a moment where everyone is longing for.

So happy… we have a beautiful church.

In this gorgeous moment, camera is the only thing you will not bring and yet I forgot to bring my camera after I charge the battery the day before. Doink***

**Excited**

Quarrel

Quarrel will happen when differences opinion are given, support and trust are no longer within them and win or lose is a big matter.

Couples separated due to misunderstand, broke up due to ego and heart broken due to uncompromising. What make a couple last for 50 years and yet they still can bear with one another? What make couple continue to support each other although they might not believe in it? What make them to stay committed? Money? Sex? Or power?

As for me, I’ll say because of God. God is love. So, we learned to love. In journey of learning to love, costs that were paid are uncountable. Patients that have been given are unlimited. Times that they’ve spent are nothing can substitute it. Moment of being together is irreplaceable. Memories will always be a last thing you want to let go.

Love is never easy and yet God never stop loving us. Why should we stop loving?

Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes
Always perseveres.
Love never fails.

**The greatest of all is Love**

Lost

Recently, I felt bored with life. I don’t know why. Seems like everything I did is not right, not useful, not interesting…. I wonder why. I felt bored watching drama series at home; bored with eating the same old meal, same old stall, bored with doing what I am doing now no matter in church or in my work place. I just don’t feel like it. What had happen? I’m still wonder….

Lost of passion? Lost of vision? Or lost of direction?

Am I tired? I am tired of waiting. I am tired of pending but there is nothing much I can do. Since I’ve wait and wait so long, what else do I expect?

Am I tired of serving? I guess I am…

Maybe I don’t feel what people around me are feeling. I did try to find the same feeling and yet I couldn’t get the right sense.

Lord, I’m sorry… I just don’t feel what everyone else is feeling.

**Lost**

Believe

All depends on what you believe, some other will say….

Yesterday as I walked myself home, suddenly the phase ‘love at first sight’ bump into me. As I was thinking… I never believe love at first sight. I think that will never happen to me and it is just stupid. I believe that love have to start with a man-to-man connection and not sight-to-sight connection. Well, that’s my point of view.

I guessed the root cause is believed. If you believe such a thing, miraculously, you will able to find the thing that you believe in. If you believe such an incident, it will happen. If you believe love at first sight, I guess the introduction of your love story should have something to do with love at first sight.

Rev Doc. Stephen Tong said before that, love at first sight, divorce at first fight. Well, this is debatable since it’s all up to our own perspective. As for me, I truly agree because human’s heart is never as simple as the appearance or maybe not as pretty as the appearance.

Again, it’s all about your believe system. Maybe this is all about the mind. That’s why most of the people will say that everything is in your mind. Maybe your fate is all in your mind too. It depends how you think about it. It depends you choose to think positive or negative.

The battle start within your mind…

** The battle of your mind**

I’m the happiest

Today I’m the luckiest and happiest girl in this world. Well, that’s what I feel right now. Although time flies, Chinese New Year just passed and my nose is leaking now, I still have the same feeling.

Why so? Because my room is cleaned by him which he seldom do it for me (my room is so clean that the place that I never clean before is now sparkling) and my lunch is ordered and delivered by him (which is something I wanted to eat so much and with the hot soup that can at least make me feel a bit comfortable with my not feeling well nose now).

Awww…. I feel so blessed and loved that I have to write this down. I’m the luckiest, I’m the happiest and I got the best man ever.

**I’m the luckiest**

I’m back

Coming back to the real life is always a tough thing for me. Emotion swings like crazy, every minute of my time I miss home like crazy and the worst thing is to come back to work. It’s not about I like my job or not but it’s about staying alone in a big city whereby I can only cry out to God when I’m down and I need someone to understand me.

When I reach my KL home, the first feeling… this place looks familiar. Even my eyes have to take some time to get used to what I am seeing. What more about my feelings? The same feeling when I step into my office.

I am a girl that feeling always comes first more than word. Most of the time, I don’t know what to say when there’s only tears I’ll shed.

Although I’m a bit down yesterday but I still manage to enjoy my Valentine Day with him. Never expect any surprises from him but he did something for me. I really enjoy last night to be with him although he is not feeling well and we only manage to grab dinner. What meaningful is not the value of the gift but the effort that he paid and the time that he spend with me.

Lastly, I’m happy to be back to be with him but I’m sad to leave my home again. I wish I could have both…

** I’m back**

Home sweet home

I’ve been back to my sweet hometown for past three days now. Life has been good and lazy. I can say that in these three days, what I’ve been doing is, eat, sleep and help my mom. Actually, eat and sleep is that most than helping her. Hahaha… It’s relaxing, it’s refreshing and it makes my lazy. When I lie down on the sofa, having a good and no worry rest, the feelings of being a teenager came back to me. Whereby there is no stress, no worries, and not much have to think how to survive and get myself money for food and necessities. I miss the time so much that all I worry about is just the matter of friends. Are they true friends or not? Will they betray me? Who is my dream man? When will I know that he is from God? That is all I will worry about as a teenager.

Kinda naïve? Hahaha… I am laughing myself inside. Right now, I worked my own food; life is not as easy as before. Every penny that we earn, with hard work and sweat.

The things that I see this time is so much better than the previous time I came back. Maybe I’ve grown older and many things, I understand deeper. I saw changes in my family; I saw my brother now is so much mature than last time. After all he's been through. My dad will open a topic and chat with us rather than we ask him 10 questions, he only answered ‘ya’ for all the questions. Mom is happy with her job coz she found someone that support her. Aunt loves the family with unconditional love and patients. She even spends time with God and read her bible and the daily devotion.

When I realize their changes, I give thanks to God. God answered my prayer. Other than quarreling small things at home, we all have fun together. Laughing around, joking around and fellowshipping together and have meaningful and memorable family time. Thank you Lord… This means much more than money that can give, love, joy and blessing from you.

** Home Sweet Home**

The injury

As I mention from the pervious post, I hurt myself when I first try out to be a motorbike passenger. My leg has accidentally touched the motorbike exhausts and you know what happen….

At first, I thought it should be ok. So, I didn’t apply anything on it until the next day when I show it to my colleague and they advice me to apply something coz it got dark and red. 3 days later, it becomes swollen and there is water inside. I took picture of it coz I think it look cute. People around me saw it and some of them feel so pain for me while some feel so yucky to touch it. It’s not that pain, trust me. I really think it look cute coz I never experience such an incident before.

A week has pass, and it got worst. The water has come out while I was sleeping and it got itchy. The previous skin need to be cut out and it need to wrap so that it won’t get affected. So yesterday onward, I need to go to clinic everyday for the nursing just to make sure that bacteria won’t affect it. Thank God that it’s a panel clinic from my company. If not, I guess I have to pay more than I expect just to get my leg healed.

The way I walk now it’s a bit weird and it started to get really pain. I get sore throat and flu as well. I pray that I’ll recover from all these before I go back to Sabah for Chinese New Year.

May God’s healing be with me.

A serious injury in the first months of the year 2008 so as an experience that I never had before.

**The Injury**

Reminder

I just cannot believe that I’m still in the office right now. Normally, 5.15pm I will start to say bye bye to my colleague so as my bosses. But right now, everyone said bye to me and I’m being left alone here trying to finish up my stuff (I still take a few minutes to drop something down).

Working life is tired. I means really tired…should I say becoming human is tired? It’s up to each individual definition I guessed.

Work will never finish. I guessed it would finish when you quit your job. Just now, I was in a meeting. I discovered another human nature reaction that will cause me to think about this whole human nature / sinful act. When my boss started to praise one of my colleague, another colleague of mine will join in and said along that, yeah… I have contribution too. “WE” all did it… Nice to hear, right?

When my boss started to scold, blame session will start to occur. Some said, he is the one that didn’t pass me the latest information, site people is the one to blame, I’m not responsible and the blaming continues as usual.

As for me, I’ll just sit there silently and oversees the whole session begins. I’m not saying that I’m so good that I didn’t blame. I did. Anyway, I’m still human. In that meeting, I just learn that when someone else rebukes me, I’ll learn to calm myself down to listen and to think. If it’s really my fault, I’ll learn to admit and not trying to throw responsibilities away.

Blaming is a very natural reaction. You don’t have to think. It’s like your reflect. When you hold something hot, you’ll throw it away in less than one second without thinking. I guessed that’s the same case when come to blaming. You don’t have to think. Just point it and throw it to someone else will do. What an easy task.

Learn to be more like Christ, is always the toughest journey. Nevertheless, I know I’m not alone.

A short reminder for myself, to not to blame but learns to bear and admit.

**Reminder**

A thought from a friend

The sky turn dark, thunder sound and the wind started to blow windy while I’m still rushing at my routine job in the office yesterday before the clock tick to 5pm. When the time reaches 5pm… my heart no longer stay in the office. I want to go home… screamed out loud

Since it’s still raining, I just browse through my friends’ blog and read about her day. Everyday I’ll click on her blog to get her latest update and to get her latest information. I just like to read someone else journey of life to reflect myself on certain things.

She started to share about her grown up, her expectation and people’s expectation toward her. The more I read about her thought, I have this thought about her and about the about myself.

After finish my reading, I decided to have a walk back home under the rain. Normally, I took 15 to 20 minutes to walked back to my place but yesterday; I took 30 minutes to reach home. I walked slowly to think about what she wrote and about people’s expectation. I asked myself, have I ever expect something from someone without my conscious? I guess I did. If not, it won’t disturb my emotion.

Expectation… since I have it with someone I guessed that someone will do have the same expectation from me. Did I manage to fulfill what they expect? Who am I to expect what I should get from them? Why will I expect? And the question goes on….

God made us to hunger for love, care and attention. Sometimes, without my realization, I crave for people to love me, to praise me, to care for me and to have their attention on me. I guessed this is why I will shed my tears when I didn’t get what I expect. After all, no one can totally know what your expectation.

With this conclusion, I started to thank God and ask Him to guide my heart. To set my concept right about God’s blessing and to count my blessing and to give Him praises.

Walking back alone with an umbrella is not a bad experience after all. At least, I’m walking with my Nike slipper and it’s comfortable. With a grateful heart, I found reason to give thanks although the sky seems dark and rains drop down from heaven. With this, I learn to give thanks although things don’t come my way.

**************************

On the same day, I experience two different things that I never plan to do. Other than walked myself home under the rain, I get to ride motorcycle all the way from Sunway to Cheras for about 45 minutes. A terrified experience, but I have fun. Get myself a minor injure but I manage to show my love is more than words and to be there whenever I can.


** My thought**

Tears...

I’ve been living without Internet for several days now. Life still goes on…

I’ve been down these two days. Maybe period came earlier than expected. Tears shed non-stop and for no reason. I just cried for the sake of crying. Why? Coz I feel like crying, so I did. Ya, I know it’s a bit silly but if I don’t cry when I feel like crying, I guess that’s sillier. I just wanted to express something that word cannot said whereby tears can help me to tell.

My best friend once said that tears are the gift from God. It’s amazing, isn’t it? ? You cry when you feel pain. You cry when you feel sick. You cry when you feel touch. You cry when you feel happy. Crying is not a big deal after all. You just let it out when you feel like it.

I do agree that guys scared when ladies cry. That work very quite well with Danny. Not trying to take things for granted but I just wanted to express when I have no word but tears.

** Tears **

Complicated feelings

Ha chu…. Sneezing… I got flu again. A terrible one…

It’s almost 2 am now and I’m still here. Trying to put some words here before I go to rest. My dear housemate has left me with an empty room. How do I feel? I feel a bit weird… complicated feeling.

I’ve been living with her for almost past 2 years. She has been an encourager for me so as a frustrated person for me. Sometimes she treat me like a princess and sometimes she drives me crazy. There is a period of life where she holds on to my hand and we walk together when both of us in pain. The same goes to the time when both of us quarrel for disagreement in discussed issue. Both of us going through joy and sorrow in life, so as bad and good times when either one of us will give cold shoulder when we feel like it. I’ve learned how to admit my fault in front of her and I’ve learned how to accept rebuke and critics from her as well. With the lesson of admitting my own wrong and accepting rebuke taught me to be a person that will face problems and not running away from it. With this, I learn to admit and accept in front of everybody else.

It’s been a blessing that God sent her to be in my life. To accompany to walk through my life darkest time and still love and accept me as whom I am when she knows the ugliest side of me. Not every housemate can do that but God is always good. He knows what He’s doing and God will always send the right person to walk with you.

Now that I’ve grow stronger, the journey I will have to continue with God alone. I would like to let her know how much I cherish the time we spent together last time and how much she has became a blessing in my life, no matter financially, materially or spiritually. She has became an impact in my life and a prayer warrior for me. I know I can always count on her when I just need a shoulder, a hand or an ear. Although she is not perfect, but I love her for whom she is. Goodbye my dear… It’s a joy that we one’s spent the moment together. Although things might not be the same anymore, but it kept inside my heart and it’s in the “count of blessing” list.

**Complicated feelings**

Memorable New Year eve

Before I start anything about New Year… let me share what we’ve did on the New Year eve.

Danny and I plan a small party in our new church with lots of foods. We have some crazy game on to pass the time and everyone laugh like mad on that night. We all have fun and enjoy being with one another.
After a long and tired of laughing games, everyone prepare themselves for fireworks.

A memorable New Year eve and it’s a blessing that we can be with one another, spent some time together and laugh crazily.

**Memorable new year eve**

It’s another one year…

One fine day, as I read back my blog, arranged the photo, memories flies around. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of laughter, lots of joy, lots to give thanks, lots I’ve learn, lot of break through in the journey of life and lots of up and down.

In the beginning of the year, I cut my hair… as a sign of new start, new begin, new chapter of life. I guess I’m not going to do that again this year. Our previous cell group has grown larger and larger. From only a few kitten to about 12 peoples. We all have a wonderful time when we used to be that big. Although a bit difficult to manage a lot and care for all of them, there is always something we cannot deny is that, we have terrific time together. Although now left only 5 of us… we still have fun and deeper sharing.

Later on, I went back to my hometown for Chinese New Year celebration. Happily I meet up old friends, spend time with my parents and we have fun there and I went to my friend wedding as well. The first time I spend Valentines Day alone after so many years. Indeed, I feel good, spent my time with Grace and Mic Mic, get a bouquet of Ferrero Rocher from Grace as my Valentines Day gift and also two sunflowers from Danny and Timothy. I guessed spent valentines alone is not that bad after all. I didn’t expect that going back to the place I born will actually tears my heart apart. Most of the place I go, past memories came back to me, scene by scene, places by places. Although its pain going back and seeing all these memories again but God is always good. God knows where I’ve started it and He knows where I should end it. In that place, I surrender and settled what I should give it to God and not carrying it myself.

The breakthrough for me this year was, I went to Genting Highlands alone. I can’t believe that I’ve did it but in fact, I did. One of the biggest fears for me last time is that, being alone. I don’t like to be alone or stay alone. I will feel very lonely. I challenged myself to be alone and went to a place that I’m not familiar with and stay alone and spend time with God alone. It is a good experience and I’ve learn a lot in this trip. Not only that I enjoy of being alone and spending time alone, I find back myself and I find back my focus in life.


Continuously… I started to have feeling for someone else. Started to pray and think about him more and more each day. Started to care for him little bit more and more and without my realization, we’ve fall in love with each other more and more each day. And here is it, I’m in a new relationship. He is special, he is a gift from God, he is cute and I just love and feel comfortable to be with him.
In the middle of the year, we have family camp in our church and we spend 3 nights 4 days in peace heaven near Genting Highlands. This was a great camp. I personally learn a lot about the doctrine of God and live life out with faith. We have this game called games of life. Throughout this game, everyone learned their lesson. From this camp, I able to experience how crushed I was past years and how God has slowly picked me up and mould me to become who He want me to be in the future.

This year, I went to 3 weddings. It’s good to see people getting married. It’s a beautiful occasion with many happy faces and beautiful dresses.

I went to Terengganu for relaxing trip around June…

Parents are here and bringing them around. Have fun spending time with them.

However, 2007 has been a fruitful year for me. Been to many places, learn to relax myself, learn to love, learn to accept, learn to give, learn to share, learn to be a listener and learn to be quiet.

Early of this year, I walked the journey of silence. Whereby no one knows, no one understands and I find myself in the wilderness alone. I prayed, but it was not listened. I cried, but no tear was shed. Most of the time, I’ve been struggling and struggling, waiting and waiting. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. Have no idea what I’m struggling about. I choose to endure, I choose to be patient. It takes time to know… and time makes it clearer for me.

Can’t believe that it’s been a year…. I’ve breakthrough… transition period… break down period and stand up period…

I’m excited for next year. It will be another challenging year. Last day of year 2007, with a grateful heart, I give thanks and I count my blessing. Good or bad, it’s from God. Good or bad, I give Him praise. Sorrow or joy, give Him praise. Success or fail, I give Him praise. For He deserve all of our praise. Thank you Lord for this whole year…

**2007**

:)

There is something very special about music. Music can lead you back to the past. Not like back to the future but music can bring you back the moment where you’ve forgot how it feels like. Sometimes, when you heard specific songs, you’ll remember vividly the whole situation such as the moment, the feelings, the atmosphere, the conversation and so on. I guessed that’s the beauty of music.

Some songs will means something to someone while some songs will be their nightmare. As I’m listening to one of the Hillsongs, it leads me back to the place where I thought I’ve forgotten. I still remember clearly why I love that song so much. I guessed I’ve changed. That song no longer in my favorite list.

After not talking to him face to face for almost one and a half year, I thought it will be weird when we talked back. I guessed it’s not that bad after all. We have this opportunity to meet last night and we acted normal so as our conversation. Not a very long conversation but I’m glad that it proves that we can still be friends. I thought I can face him no more for the rest of my life, I was wronged.

God is always good. He knows when the right time is. He knows when is the right time for us to meet and become friends again. I’m happy and so is he. At last, it’s settled.
So as my heart and my emotion.

**:)**

New building

22.12.07 – The first Saturday night service in FCC new building.
I’m excited and I have fun helping around. Although not much visual memories are captured but those who went to help will agreed with me that we have fun and have fellowship.
The building nice, the room is medium size, can’t really fit in all and we are looking for the sanctuary to be done and have our worship there.
New Year coming, new building ready… next year, will be an excited year.

**New Building**

It’s the last day of the old building

Every one of us in FCC is very excited for this new church. After a few years of praying and giving, at last… we have our own building. We are moving to our new building. I, myself is very excited for this new building that belong to us. It’s really a very meaningful moment whereby the values are undefined. Money couldn’t buy these moments. Every one of us prayed and gives thanks to God for his grace and mercy.

I sat there, memories flash back… giving thanks to God and with a grateful heart; I started to count my blessing. People around me take pictures to try to grab the moment so that they’ll remember and hope that they will always remember this moment. This is life… not about riches and power... It’s about the moment. Where you’ll stop the time to think and give thanks.

Mixed feeling is all I can feel. Happy… sad… excited… fearful…grateful…
Happy coz we’re moving forward… sad coz I have to push myself to move forward, my past will be my past… excited coz there will be more to do, more to learn, more to serve… fearful coz I scared I couldn’t give the best to Him… grateful coz He is faithful… never leave us no matter how poor and how suffer we are.

Can’t wait for this new building and in the other hand, it’s sad to let go what we used to have in the old building. In this church, I grown, I shaped, I molded, I learned, I enjoyed, I endured, I become stronger and I’m clearer.
With everything that we have, we give thanks.

**FCC, the best place to be**

24.11.07

A beautiful day….

Wake up at 8.15am… feel excited. Will they come early? Should I prepare now? What should I do now? What’s the first thing I need to prepare?

Give Grace a phone call and asked her who else will be ushering later? Sms a few people, to make sure they reach on time.

Get myself ready for a bath, do mask, get my hair done, jewelry on, make up on and prepare to go out. With an excited heart I prayed to God. Saying good morning to Him… Telling Him this is the day… it’s a beautiful day. Pray that everything will be smooth and I can do the best for them. Pray also that I able to enjoy myself and have fun.

Reach church 10.00am, went around searching for Grace. Wait for the rest of the usher to come and start briefing them what to do. Everyone look pretty and the groom looks happy. With his best suit, he gives the best smile.

Relative started to come… fellowshipping around. I heard lots of laughing and lots of sharing. They enjoy themselves and so do us that help around and rush around just to make things better.

It’s 10.45am, the groom prepared himself. He stood in front of the altar, facing pastor and wait for his bride. We get people sat down and prepare ourselves for the bride.

Clock tick 11.15am, the bride is here. She looks beautiful and I told her that she looks awesome. The wedding march start to played, she holds her father hand and walk down the aisle like a princess.

Everyone stood up… give their smile to her and from their eyes, they tell her that she’s beautiful.

The wedding service started…. Piano was played… people singing songs to give thanks to God. God’s word was read out by the groom sister’s, sermon was preached, they vowed before each other and before God, exchanged of wedding rings, the groom kissed the bride and they are pronounced as husband and wife.

Tears in my eyes, joy in my heart… after a long journey of being together, they’ve finally married. I understand how it feels and I know how happy they are. After 10 years, they finally married. I’m extremely happy.

After the wedding, we have our own fun too… taking picture around, hang out together and fellowship with one another.

Congratulation Desmond and Flora…. May God’s love be with you guys that the love for one another will get deeper and deeper as you guys spend everyday together and grow old together.

** So happy for them**

Love the giver, not the gift

It’s been a while that I’ve stopped the habit of dropping things down because most of the time I have no word from my mind. I have bunch of feelings and the feelings flying here and there and yet I just couldn’t find a word to express what I wanted to said or feel.

Today, I have a few words that I would love to drop it down. Love the giver not the gift. Unconsciously, I’ve love the gift more than I love the giver. I’ve sees my gift more important than I sees the giver. I thought that this is what He wants me to do, but He asks me to let go. For it is not my will but His be done.

Maybe I’ve stop the habit of writing too long, I have difficulties in finding words.

From that day onward, I see things more clearly, I know the time that I’ve waited is not wasted and I know things will be more and more excited. I know why, I know how and I know which stand I should stand.

Again, after all… May Your will be done in my life.

**Love the giver, not the gift**

Changes

I believe that everyone hate changes. No matter small changes or big changes, we just hate it. Change of plan, change of lifestyle, change of practice culture, and change of anything… I hate it.

Recently, I’ve been through another transition period again. I hate transition period but out of control, I just have to face it because with all these kind of transition moment, I learned to be a better person, a stronger person and a mature person.

Life has been different since a bigger us separate into a smaller us. Life has been different; circle of friends has been different, focus has been different. The way of sharing has been dissimilar as well. Hmm… should I say expected? If I’ve not expected, I wonder why I cried so hard last time?

I believe that one of the tough things that people will agreed with me is to maintain certain thing or certain relationship. Maintaining is tough. To keep everything warm and just as the way it is is tough. Anyhow, this is not one-way street and we are not living in as island all by ourselves. We’re living in a world filled with special people – special people that are so unique that ones you lost it, you will never find them back. Everything comes with two ways. Give and take.

I tried so hard to keep things the way it is and to keep everything and everyone warm. But last night, I realize that I’m only an ordinary lady living in an ordinary room with an ordinary lifestyle together with my ordinary boyfriend worshipping our extraordinary God. Yes, I did mention that everyone is special. I didn’t say I’m not special. I am special too and so as my boyfriend.

What I wanted to say is that, I’m tired because I’m just a human. Trying to stop everything is really out of my ability. It’s like, me… just a small me trying to stop the world from turning. This is impossible.

Last night, I realize that I am weak again. That I need my strong God and I need Him to be magnify. Be magnify my Lord, that I can overcome this transition period and I able to see you again.

An interesting book of life that closing a chapter soon and will open another chapter again. May God be with me.

**Changes**

Today's prayer

Lord, grant me grace throughout this day
To walk the straight and narrow way,
To do whatever in Thy sight
Is good and perfect, just and right.
Amen

**Today's prayer**

My Raya days…

Selamat Hari Raya for those who celebrate their Raya and happy holidays for those who celebrate holidays. I’m the one that celebrate the holidays. Well, holidays suppose to be a fun and excited moment for working people. I look forward to these days so much. If I’m not mistaken, I started to plan this coming holidays around June 07. Low and behold, I spend most of my holidays at home. House mate went back to hometown, boyfriend working, best friend busy accompany someone else….

Last Friday, my company gave us bonus leave. So, I have one day bonus leave. From Friday onward, I started to stay at home till today. It’s bored but interestingly, I almost manage to finish 40 episode hong kong drama series. With nothing to do at home, I guess watch drama is something that I can do and I can learn from.

About this drama series, it’s about a big family that is so rich. As normal story line, rich family will always have two wives. One is a kind wife, while the other one is an evil wife. Like always, the evil one is always the one with many plans that try to take all the family properties.

With this kind of storyline, there are lots of morals and things that can reflect in our life so that we can learn. As for me, there are several things that I will thank God for after I watched this drama series.

Thank God that I am not from a rich family. With all the wealth, many problems will occurs. I thank God that I don’t have a rich family boyfriend too. With great wealth, always come great responsibilities. That is why, God is always fair.

Anyhow, that’s my few days holiday. A bit boring, lots of waiting, lots of watching hong kong drama series and spend some time with God. That’s my Raya days…

**My days**

Cute

God You make me smile (Hillsong kids)

Verse 1:
God You make me smile as I look to You
And I never thought life could be so cool
I'm so free to be me

Verse 2:
We're a generation who will live for You
Nothing's gonna stop us from loviong You
We believe in Jesus

Pre-Chorus:
Life is fun, and I'm so happy You're my friend and King

Chorus:
I raise my hands to praise Your Name
I am not ashamed, praise Your Name, Jesus


A very cute song. If you imagine all the kids sing this song with their cute expression, not only God make them smile, they make God smile too. It’s just so cute.

I like this song… Simple, meaningful and cute for kids.


**Cute**

Faith like child

Many times in life, I forget how to trust fully and have faith like child. It always brings God a smile when kids prayed. From the below picture, I know why. Even I myself will also have a good laugh about how naïve and how true they are.

Being kids is always the best part in life. You don’t have to hide, don’t have to fake and no one will judge your motive because you’re just a kid. Being genuine is what kids will do.

Like I said, growing up is pain. There are many choices, many decisions to make. I pray for faith like child. For a child will trust fully and will not doubt because they know who loves them the most.

**Faith like child**

Waiting...

These two weeks, my time seems to be slow. I wonder why. Works still have loads and loads to do. Books still have tons and tons to read and the time seems to be slightly slower. I guess all the while, I’ve been waiting. Wait for someone to come home and to be with me, wait for myself to be happy, wait for time to get things done, wait for friends to have fellowship together, wait for financially to be staple and the lists goes on.

It’s always about choices… yes I know. I choose to be happy and I choose to be myself. In fact, I choose to become someone better. Better than myself. But recently, I feel that what I should do, I’ve did it. What’s next?

I don’t believe that life will stuck in some where and you started to ask what’s next. I guess, I started to realize it now and I started to ask, what’s next?

I know my next step and I’m walking my next step. The things that frustrated me the most I guess should be waiting. I wait and wait and wait. Wait for loves one, wait for future, wait for myself, and even wait for God. Now, I know what the true meaning of waiting is.

Do you have any idea what am I trying to said? When I read back…I don’t know what I want to express as well. But I know God understand how I feel. Everyday, I wait for Him, everyday, He shape me to become someone He want me to be. I guess now, I’m waiting for myself. So complicated and yet, writing it down is always the best choice.

May God help me to wait as I wait faithfully and patiently.

**Wait with faith**

I’ve been lazy

I’ve been very lazy lately. Anyhow, no matter how lazy am I, I still clean my room twice a week. Well, I guess I am lazy in different area then.

I’m lazy to read books, lazy to sleep (sleep also lazy, what happen to me?), lazy to work, lazy to pray, lazy to talk, lazy to type blog, lazy to be hardworking and the lists goes on.

It’s been awhile that I left this blog of mine. Well, I guess after I finish typing all these lazy things out, I have to pick myself up again and work things out.

Today is 2nd October. Another 3 months, we’ll have another new year, 2008. I better prepare myself for 2008 coz I’m getting old. There is lots of stuff I want to do and I want to achieve. Weakness, lazy… May God have mercy on me and strengthen me again.

God’s love

God’s love is like wind. We cannot see wind but we can feel it. When we let go of the feather, we see how the feather being blow away. At the same time, we feel God’s love.

**God’s love**

It's just a job

A very common statement, “It’s just a job”. Some people give almost all their lives and time for their job and career. Whereby me, I would like to remind myself again that my job, is just a job. I need not to put so much emotions, feelings and effort in certain things that are not worth.

I’m not saying that I will not do my best in my job. I will still give the best, perform the best for God’s glory but I am learning not to take things seriously and not to take things personally. Anyhow, it’s just a job. No one will care about someone health in a business world but they will care, are the things done. No one will care how you feel today but they will care, have you give all your best to your responsibilities. A cruel and materialistic world and this is the real world. Want to remind Jenny Liau again, welcome to the real world.

For my life is not only about work, but also about glorifying God’s glory. Lord, may you guide my path and protect my heart. Let everything that I do for your glory.

**It’s just a job**

Growing up is pain

I still remember how I wished I were an adult when I was a kid last time. Everything will be fun and happy when I’ve grown up because I can buy whatever I want without permission and I can go wherever I want without permission too. While I’m still growing, I don’t think that way anymore.

When you’re younger, you wish you could grow up faster. But when you are getting older and older each day, you wish you could become younger again like last time. How nice it was when you can play whatever you like and eat whatever you like without thinking about management, time, finance, and reality. If a mom stops her kids from playing, her kids know that they still can have fun tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Whereby as for grown up people, commitment and responsibilities is always around us.

Tough decision has to made, battle each day to get joy and purpose in life, work hard just to earn some pennies where we get scolded almost everyday and we have to endure unnecessary stress.

Growing up is painful and it’s scary. Responsibilities getting heavier and heavier each day, commitment become an issue, parents, superior, friends expect more and more from you just because you’ve grown up. They expect you to be mature, handle things well and have excellent attitude.

How I wish I can be as naïve as a child again but I know it will never happen.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
1 Corinthians 13:11

With this reason, i pray that God will guide my path and my heart that each day, i'll bring glory to You. Amen.

**Process of growing up**

Family gathering

The clock shows 4.30am, my mom woke me up saying that it’s already 4.30am now. Have to get up and prepared. My body was weak. I dragged myself up, washed my face and started to take their luggage and went to airport together with them.

Arrived LCCT 5.40am. Checked-in together with them, direct them to which gate to go in later. Hug them and said goodbye.

Again I wake up from my sleep after sending them to airport. This time, the clock shows 8.15am. Oh man… it’s time to wake up and prepare to work again. After one week periods of relaxing and accompany my parents, it’s time to step back to reality and to work for living.

The first feeling came heavily when I woke up is awful, the feeling of missing someone badly. I don’t like this kind of feeling. It’s torturing. I miss them badly and I don’t feel like working. This is really terrible and I hate this kind of feeling so much. I prayed… pray hard that God will take it away and pray that God will take care of them.

It’s been one week. One week of enjoying, quarrelling, argument, relaxing and fellowshipping. Four of us enjoy the time being together although argument occurred but we thank God for His blessing, protection, love and wonderful time we have spend with one another. I thank God that I have this opportunity to bless them and to share the days together.

I miss them… miss them badly. :(

In this whole trip, God reminded me again how much He loves us, how graceful He is and how much He has bless our whole family. I able to experiences family noisiness, laughter from my mom, dad and my sister’s faces, spend time with my sister, listen to them and answered to their questions with patient and love. Learn to love them again and bear with their weaknesses because they never complain about me before. Accept and love them as who they are in my life. There is nothing more meaningful than spending the time together as a family to remind each other that we don’t have riches or gold, but we have each other because we are family. No matter what happen, we are one family, we will support and love one another. (This of course include my little brother and aunt in Sabah)

**A great trip**

01.09.2007

It’s been a year....

I can’t believe that times flies really fast. It’s been a year. A year ago, I experienced life most heart broken and most pain experience. It hurt me badly for both physical and mentally, so as emotionally.

I still remembered how pain I was, how disturbed my soul was. How lost and how broken I was. I guess, I’ll never forget. Everyone told me, this is life… journey of life. You have to go through this. That moment, I don’t even understand why life has to go through this. Every time I am alone, tears fall without realization. Every morning when I wake up, things around is cold, so as my heart. I can’t even find one reason for myself to smile and to continue to have the courage to face my day.

A year later, I know why. I understand what life is, what life journey is. I understand why I should be broken in order to be whole. I also experienced life and God more than ever. There are things that I can’t see no matter how many people told me or try to help me to see the whole thing, whereby now, God let me see it on my own. The feeling is weird. There are things I knew it all the while. But I never really know it until I experience it.

One whole year… From someone that has the biggest fear change into someone that hangs on to God and always trust in Him. I remembered vividly how hurt I was. I also remembered how glorious God is that he brought me over the darkness and let me see His rainbow, His promise one’s again.

Well, this is life… Enjoy trails, overcome difficulties and become a better person - For The Lord is always with us

**One year of grateful**

Judge too fast?

Human nature, judgmental spirit. Who are we to judge? Unfortunately, that is what comes automatically when we failed to control it ourselves. Not only that we will judge through first impression, we will judge when things doesn’t goes the way we’ve planned, or when things doesn’t go on what we’ve expected. Even a short conversation a gang of peoples has could occur unnecessary judgments.

What’s wrong with people? Why must we judge and jump into conclusion so fast without understanding the whole story and without giving some chances for someone to explain? Is it fair? How nice it would be if everyone willing to wear peoples shoes and walk their pain and understand their feeling.

There is an incident when I realize I judged too fast. I didn’t even notice it until Danny asked me, why you judge him? Then I start giving excuses and try to blame whatever I can or try to pull him over to stand on my side so that he’ll agree with me. Well, that never really works because normally, his stands are quite strong. So, I end up apologizing for being a judgmental person.

From that incident, I realize how fast I can judge one person without even pass through my mind. It’s just like a pain reflected. I see how wicked is my sinful nature and how weak am I. May God forgive me and give me His wisdom to walk with Him everyday of my life.

Are you judging people around you too fast too that cause them have no space to improve? Why not stop and give them a chance to explain and to understand before any judgmental words come out from your mouth?

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
James 1: 19-20

**Judgmental spirit, human nature**

PMS

Most of the girls will have the same hatred when it comes to PMS that is the swinging of emotion. Emotions swing like crazy and with no reason, weight gain, pimples, stress, craving for something sweet and swelling of breast. Out of the sudden, there could be tears dropping down your cheek or when you watch comedy, you laugh until you cry.

I hate it so much too that I have to face it every month. My boss would said that, don’t take it as an excuses. Well, I do agree it anyhow but sometimes it really driving me crazy.

Like just now, I am kind of down when Danny open the door and said goodbye to me and then the door closed. At that moment, I am down and hope that he will open the door again but I know it will not happen. On the next moment, when I sit down in front of the pc and start to play games or do my work, I feel better. In fact, I’m glad to be alone because I can do things that are pending for months. So, you can see how fast my emotion can change and how swing it can go.

At the same time, I can cry and then I wipe all my tears away and said I’m ok. Hmm…. I am considering, am I still normal?

Some people will agree that emotion can control. As long as you want to control it, everything also can be controlled. How true is this statement? Basically, I do have the same point of view saying that we can control our emotion as long as your will is strong enough to control it. The problem is how many people will want to control it? Media will teach us to go with our heart and feelings. But how true is your heart and feeling? Could it cheat you? Maybe it’s fake…

Anyhow, I should be lying down now. Or else, I really get a more swing feelings than today.

**Feeling? How true it can goes?**

Fruitful weekend

Sometimes, people will forget how they should feel, especially for me, this kind of forgetful person.

I’ve forgotten how it feels when my love one gives me a gift out of sudden. Forgot how it feels when I’ll meet my parents soon after a long period of missing them and not seeing them. Forgot how it feels when people rebuke me in front of my face about how wrong and how pride is I. Forgot how much God loved me and how big is His grace for me. Forgot the feeling of relief after a cry and there is someone there to hug me when I shed my tears. Sometimes, I get blur all the way and not consider much about feelings and emotions. And I’ve forgotten how fast time flies and how much time I’ve wasted. But no matter how much I neglect feeling and emotion, they are still in me that cause me think much and doubt more. May God have mercy on me.

Last weekend, I get to experience it all again. I get to feel how it feels when someone showed the ugliest of my nature, how much God has forgave me and always give a another changes, how much God love me and how wonderful in His grace. How foolish am I when I thought that I did everything with my own strength.

I also experience how grateful and joyful am I when I get a small gift from the person that I matter and love so much out of expectation and out of the blue. An excited heart to meet my parents soon, a wonderful sermon by pastor to remind me how much my friends has helped me when I was down and how important are they and a great time to have fellowship with them. I have a fantastic time with friends that I don’t get to see every week and great time also with friends that I get to see everyday week. A short weekend but a fruitful weekend that I get back what I suppose to feel in certain moment of life.

**Feel good when the weekend is fruitful**

No word

Sometimes, the more you try to find topic to update in your blog, the more you couldn’t dig one topic from your mind.

I able to dig a few but every time I start to write it into words, I get stuck after a few minute. I guess I have to start read and read tons of books to get feelings into word and to get word out of my mind and heart.

Recently, I’ve been busy with working life and church ministry. Wait a minute… I always busy with works and serving. Work never ends until you retired, serving God never finished until you meet Him face to face. Overall, it’s a busy day, busy month and busy year. No matter how busy I am, I will always try to remind myself to spend time with people around me. To freeze for a while just to focus back what life really matter and what life is all about. Is it only about busyness? Only about love? Only about getting things done? It’s good to freeze yourself from time just to find out what really happen inside you.

**No word **

Waiting...

Some people have a lot of patient in waiting for certain people or certain thing or even certain answer. On the other side, some people will get frustrated easily ones you require him/her to wait for certain things for one minute.

Last Monday, I have this opportunity to taste it on my own. I have to wait for Danny phone until late at night. One’s he called me, I was like…at last…you called. He asked me, why you sound so happy and excited in this hour? Normally, you will so feel exhausted. Today you sound glad. I answered him, “I have no idea. Maybe after a long wait, lastly my effort is not wasted.”

As I thought back about the situation I realize that all the while, God has been faithfully waiting for us to talk to Him everyday of our life. Everyday, God waited patiently, faithfully. When we just spare 5 or 10 minutes to talk to Him, there will be a smile on His face.

After a long wait, we manage to chat for 10 to 15 minutes only. Although it’s just a short period of time, but both of us are happy. I believe that if everyday, we willing to spend some time with God, God will be so happy.

In this incident, he reminds me how He feels when He waits for me everyday to update Him. Although a short period of time, He will feel happy.

**God is faithful**

What if?

Last night, Danny and I have this “what if” discussion. Well, it’s not really a discussion. It’s more a story telling by him. He asked me, have you ever though about what your life will be if in the beginning, you choose something else instead of the life that you have now? I answered him, hmm…. I never really thought about it because since I was a small kid, people around me taught me that my life is in God’s hand and He has everything in control and He has a plan for me. Basically, I never thought what if this or what if that. I have the mind set of God already has everything planned well.

Later on, he continued his story. He ponders around about what his life will be if in the beginning he chooses TARC instead of APIT? According to him, he might not come to FCC, might not know Christ and might not accept Him as his personal savior, might be a gangster that still hang around finding the purpose of life, might not know all his friends and might not know me and further down our relationship.

Today, as usual, I wake up early, prepare myself to work and talk to God for a while. Normal working moment while I keep my media player on with a song title, You’re everything to me by Avalon. That’s a nice song. Shortly, my mind started to wonder around and I think back what we’ve discussed last night. What will my life be if I don’t have God? If I don’t have my church friends? What will my life be if in the beginning, I choose to stay in Sabah instead of coming to KL? What will my life be? Will I stop growing in maturity in my spiritual life and my thought? Will I still be my parent’s baby? Will I still hang out with the same group of people? Will I regret of choosing to stay in Sabah? I never know what my life will be if I choose to stay in Sabah last time. I think that if I don’t have God in my life, I will be lost and living in a life that have no purpose and meaning at all.

I never know what my life will be if I choose to stay in Sabah last time. I will never know what my life will be if God is not the center of me. But I rather not to try this experience. The biggest fear that I have, not about insect or animal, but when I don’t have God with me, looking at me each day and giving me His everlasting love. The biggest fear that I have is that, when I wake up, I release that God is not with me. Anyway, I know this will not happen because God is always with me. J This is what He has promised.

Everything happened for a purpose, a reason. We’ll never know what is the reason until we step in and trust God. Step by step, He will let us see things clearer. Life darkest time happen so that you can see God brightest light that lead you over where there is rainbow waiting for you.

** Everything happen for a reason **

All for Him

Yesterday is the last day that I practice dance together with the Chinese team as they are going to Labuan and Beafort this coming Wednesday. Throughout this whole one month plus, I learn a lot of things from them and from a Chinese culture point of view. Today, I strict them to dance properly, filled with passion and concentration, and to stressed them to dance the best for God. Indeed, they did a very good job for Him. I am so happy and satisfied. As I always encourage them, we serve God, is not about the skills or talents…. But it’s all about the heart. So, I don’t really care how many talents or gift that one person has. If he or she don’t have any talents but he or she have this heart to dance for God, I believe God will used him or her, and I willing to spare time to train him or her up with patient. After all, this is what I’ve been called to do. God sees our heart. If God can use me for His kingdom, why can’t He use you for His kingdom? After all, I am no body in front of Him.

Talked about the matter of heart, today when I witness their rehearsal, God reminded me a lot of things. At first, He reminded me the issue about serving Him with our heart. Many of them are nobody; not a skillful people or a celebrity but God remind me that, what he wants from us is not our talents but our heart. A pure and faithful heart, a righteous and willing heart to be used by Him. If we compare the event that held outside the church, maybe it’s not as good quality as it should be. But if God want to choose, He would choose a humble servant that gives all the glory to Him and not to themselves alone.

I see great people with great vision and with a big heart that willingly used by God. I prayed that this trip of theirs, they able to impact people’s life and lift His name up high.

Secondly, God reminded me how much he care and love me. From the drama that they performed title, Fathers love. Again, I rededicate myself to my heavenly father and I said I’m sorry that I’ve hurt Him a lot. He never gives up and never stops loving me. I prayed that I would only love Him the most for the rest of my life because what I gain, is more than what I worth gaining.

**Bring me back**

20.07.2007

When you looked into the calendar, beside 07/07/07 is a beautiful date; 20.07.2007 also consider a beautiful date. Double figure 2007 in one day. Nice? I think it’s beautiful.

What make 20.07.2007 so special? As for me, a day to be reminded how God has bless me and bring me through difficulties that I have to go through and how much I should thank Him and love Him in return.

I’m pleased and grateful for what he has done for me, effort that he has paid, time that he has shared, joy that he brought into my life, sadness that he has shown to let me know him more, knowledge that he learn and teach me with patient, word of encouragement and affirmation to affirm me over and over again and love that he has given to prove me with every deed that he work things out.

People said that the beginning of everything is filled with passion. I prayed that this passion would continue to be strong until eternity.

Guide our heart and mind as we continue to walk in the path that you have for us. May Your kingdom come, Your will be done. Amen.

**20072007**

A reminded passage

As I watch back the previous chapter of friends (which is my favorites), again I realize that people move on with their life and things are never the same any more no matter how much I wish it will never change.

This few days, I get very disappointed the word “friendship”. As I was thinking this pass few days, what is the true meaning of friendship? What it is? What I’ve done?

I give, I paid, I spend, I loved, and I accepted… what else do you want from me?

Until a point that I told myself, whatever it is… I’ve did my part as a friend. I give up.

I know this sound very sad but I have really run out of idea. I don’t know what else I can do. No matter what I did, everything seems to be wrong. Miscommunication, my fault, I shared, no trust was gain, I loved, being comment as loved blindly. What on earth have I done? Why things that I did, people keep giving me comment that are not from me and yet from their point of view. Have problem with me, discuss with someone else. What is that? I’m tired.

Until today, the words of God remind me again when I read this passage:

For reading & meditation - Proverbs 27:10-16
"Do not forsake your friend '" (v.10)

Stay loyal and loving to your friends as far as you possibly can. I say "as far as you possibly can" because they may commit and continue in some sin - such as adultery - and this demands action by the church as described in Matthew 18.

Discipline may have to be given and you have to be willing to be part of that by withdrawing from that friendship until repentance is demonstrated. Loyalty and love in this case would mean continuing in prayer for your friend - prayer, by the way, that may take hours, not minutes. The opposite of friendship is - isolation.

And how much emotional damage is the result of that? "The world is so empty," said Goethe, "if one thinks only of mountains, rivers, and cities, but to know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us and, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth an inhabited garden." God made us for relationships and it is His will and purpose that we cultivate a circle of friends. Every friend is different. No one has a double in friendship. The more we have, the richer we are. Dr. Lawrence Crabb says, "Every day we ought to move out from our base in the home and say to ourselves: Lord, help me reach out and touch someone deep in their being today, not for the rewards it brings me in terms of good feelings, but for the blessing I can be to them." Jesus lived and acted like this. Perhaps this is why they called Him "the Friend of sinners." He hated sin, but loved the sinner.
Prayer:
Father, one thing is clear - the wise are those who know how to make friends. Guide me in my future days so that in every relationship I may be able to apply some of the principles I have learned. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

From that passage, I repent and ask God to give me strength and patience to love again. What I got from the word of His is, Stay loyal and loving to your friends as far as you possibly can. I know it’s hard but very good relationship bears with pain and hurt. Every good things endure suffering. May God strengthen me again.

**Friends is my thing**

Dore birthday !!!

Happy Birthday to a lovely brother of us. May God grand you wisdom in your path, love among people around you and health that keep you strong for His kingdom. A nice and funny guy that came all the way from Labuan and speaks three language in one statement. When I listen to what he said, I can only have one word, CUTE. How can people speak all together three languages? Most of the time when he speak with “the labuan gang”, the whole conversation will include, Malay, English and Hakka. Weird right? But I think it’s cute. I am learning that as well… Hihihihi…

One thing that make everyone very happy is that, we’ve successfully throw him into the swimming pool… That is cool.

**Blessed Birthday**

Till we see again

Goodbye my dear friend.

A lovely and kind-hearted guy has just left us to continue his journey in a land that filled with chocolate and liquid. Definitely, I will feel sad because he is one of my closes friends that willing to help me when I need his hand.

I gonna miss him much. It’s kinda weird when I don’t get to see him in church and seeing him bully someone else. Hihihihih…. (Well, he is kind, but he likes to bully people too).

To be frankly, last time I don’t really have good impression about him. First of all, I think that he don’t know how to control his tongue. He talks whatever he wants without words crossing his mind. Slowly, when we get closer and I get to know him more, I knew that God have changed him and we started to give each other a chance to know one another before we jump into a fast conclusion. Well, things came out differently and now I am sad because he will leave us. In fact, it’s a joy because he leave us to do what God has called him to do and I can only prayed that he will touch many people’s life and change theirs life as well.

On 7th July 2007, a meaningful day. Many couple chooses that day to make the biggest decision in life. Congratulate to the new bride and groom, Jean and Sio Yean. At last, they are married. So happy for them. Beside a big day for couple, it’s also a big day for a dear friend of mine because it’s his graduation day. I took one day off to attend his big day because I knew that this mean a lot to him. At first, he got very upset with no one attending his convocation. His parents are not coming, and his cell leader couldn’t make it and he gets very frustrated with it. So, with a kind hearted me, I offer myself to witness this meaningful day of his.

Seeing him prepared himself in the convocation, taking the cert and coming out from the hall, it’s very meaningful and costly. Like this, he has to begin his new journey in working life. Working life is always sucks. Not as pretty as students life. Anyhow, I’m glad that he has successfully done his duty as a student and continues his life with other chapters. Here, I wish him all the best. May God guide his path and be with him. We will surely miss you.

**Never forget me**

Love with action

Love with action is something that it’s easier to say than do. Well, saying is always the easiest. Last night, I’m being reminded that love is all about action but not the word that come out from someone’s mouth.

Human is not perfect and they come with one package of weakness and strength. When you said that you love someone, you take the whole package of him/her. Good or bad, we bear for one another.

Sometimes, there are only fear and doubt in my mind when something doesn’t seem right. But last night, I’m being reminded again that, I should always remember what he did for me and hold on to it tight enough so that I able to continue to walk in faith with God and to trust him again.

After all, it’s not about word but actions and trust that keep us together.

Lord, courage is what I need as I continue my way and walk closer to your wills. Amen.

**Reminded**

After a long break

As I was browsing my blog, I found that I’ve only updated one post on June. Wow… it’s a long break.

All these while, I keep trying to find topic to write in my blog, but when I start with a blank Microsoft word, my mind goes blank too. In additional, I’ve been busy in my working place and personal life.

Well, as for working life, it’s always busy. Responsibilities have added up and sometimes I have to stay until 8pm or bring some work of mine home in order to manage the productivity of my job tasks. To achieve a goal, endurance is all I need.

As for my personal life, it’s always about serving God and having fellowship with my friends. Recently, I’ve been busy practicing and coordinating a dance with a gang of Chinese dancers that prepare themselves for a conference in Labuan. Along the process, to be one of them, I learn something throughout the journey that I walked with them. Some of them, they don’t have dancing background but they have a heart of serving and a heart that willing to learn and to be train. Some of them have dancing background but the submissive heart is a bit reluctant. Anyhow, it never stops me from serving God. After all, it’s all about God’s kingdom. The happiest part of practicing together with them is that, I see a big improvement from them. They really put in effort to dance, and would like to give the best for God and for His glory. This is always the happiest part when you can see someone improve and he/she is getting better and better. The effort that I put, they appreciate, and the effort that they put, I can see and I compliment them.

Hmm… I guess that’s something that I’ve been busy about. Hardly believe that it’s another half year already. Time really flies. Another half year it will be the end of 2007.

July is here. Well, it’s another month that I should sit myself down, and think what I’ve learned in this half-year time. What I’ve achieved and what I want to achieve again. Well, I manage to find a special someone in my life. This special someone, give me joy and laughter. At first, not many people think that it’s a good choice. But anyhow, I’ve make the first step, and it’s my pleasure to continue to walk on my journey with grateful heart and with faith in God. After all, God is in control. All I have to do, is walk with faith and trust in Him.

**Long break**

Be content

Happy Belated Birthday Lydia and Brooke Ann.

Last night my house is pack with peoples. At first, Ka Seng is back from Tawau. So, he’ll be staying at my place for a few days. Plus Lydia and Danny is there. Anyway, both of them are always there. Grace is also there and of course, Brooke is there too coz it’s her birthday. My housemates make soup, and we spend wonderful time together.

It’s been quite some time that our place not as happening as last time. Maybe because everyone is busy and we just can’t find some time to spend some crazy time together.

It’s nice when your house is filled with laughter, filled with joy and screaming here and there. People talking and making noise. You feel that the house is all alive again, and the joy of living is around again.

People playing, laughing, talking and making jokes, having fun. It’s fun.

Many times in our life, due to busyness of working and something else, we lost the fun time. We seldom stop ourselves down and think how wonderful life is. How beautiful laughter is. When you hear people laughing, very naturally, you will feel stress gone and life is fabulous again. I miss this kind of feeling.

After last night, I’m refreshed. I remind myself to give thanks to God and remind myself to count my blessing and be content with what I have. I thank God for peoples around. They color up my life when my life left black and gray in color.

**Contented**