Not my will, but Yours be Done!

It is a blessed weekend. I went to the Koinonia Camp that organized by my church. It was a great and fun camp with all these sense of humor people that I meet. I do enjoy a lot in that camp and I’ve learn a lot as well. The message from the speakers have enlarged my territory and set my concept and priority right again. I’ve learned so many things in this camp. Learn that not my will, but Yours be done. To surrender my all again to God without taking back anything but my whole life.

The past is a history and the future is a mystery. Last time, I choose to chase after my future, a heart that want to see my future picture clearer before I make each step of life. But now, I know that my future is in the Lord. I have my past and I use it to give me strength as I go through each new day and I look forward to my future for it will be fun, exciting and amazing. When we walk in a stress that the street light are not provided, we will find all sort of ways to have light so that every place will be clearer. But now, I only have a torch light that only can let me see my next day plan but not the future journey. It’s hard and pain when we have to surrender our all to Him, totally all.

Nonetheless, throughout the camp I have to set back my plans and to continue to have faith in God, to endure hardship and to make my dream come true. For the Lord is faithful, He is with me. I can do this.

Blessed Sunday

Yesterday, it was a wonderful day for me. I woke up 10.30am, settle down my thing and then I took lunch with my friends and boyfriend in SS15. After that, my boyfriend and I went to Power Centre in Damansara to walk around and to have a wonderful date there. We spent a wonderful time together. It’s been such a long time that we didn’t spent such an weekend together, walking around and spending time with one another because all these while, if he is not rushing his assignment, he’ll be rushing other things. It’s such a blessing yesterday that me and my boyfriend can spent the whole day together.

After walked around in Power Centre, we went home and have some nap before we went to Flora’s place for the steamboat to celebrate Chee Leong birthday and farewell Pei San. A lot of foods were prepared. In the beginning, the fellowship were little bit cold but the atmosphere turn to warm when every one of us try to have a fun time together.


After the warm dinner, we all continue to enjoy the night with playing snooker in club 7. the boys and Pei San play snooker while the girls were also having our fun playing a girl games called photo hunt. When I reach home, it’s 12.30 midnight. Wow, what a wonderful day I had. I spent the whole day with my boyfriend and my cell members.

I will miss a dear sister of mine. She is a very cute and funny person. But now, she has to further her future in another place. I’ll miss her so much. It’s weird to have this feeling again that people are leaving. No matter where we are, no matter we like it or not, people come and people go but they will always leave foot print in our heart. If we have the fate, we might meet again one day if not, we’ll have to meet again when we reach heaven. Isn’t good, that we still can meet when we reach to eternal life?

Be grateful and live simple

Last Friday, I get to know that I got a second increment. Praise the Lord!!!~~ I got my first increment when my company confirmed me and that is a high increment. Although this time my increment are not so high but it is still a blessing from God. Thank God…

Actually the whole department got increment because this is what my lady boss promised to them but not me a few months ago because I just got my increment not long ago that time. My lady purposely freezes their increment and wants the whole department to show her that they can work and they deserve it. So, they don’t get increment in the early of the years where by a lot of department get theirs.

It should be good news but yesterday this good news suddenly turns into bad news. Two of my colleagues are not satisfied with their increment and they try to put negative and discourage words. When I try to turn discourage and negative word into positive, I realize that human nature are selfish. Human will always think about themselves first and will never get satisfy. I get very frustrated in human beings. I though myself, why can’t they live simple, and be grateful for what they have now instead of looking back, complaining, comparing, and discouraging one another? Isn’t that they should encourage one another in order to grow stronger?

Currently, I’ve just finish watching one drama series. I don’t know what title is it because it is written in Chinese but it’s about lawyer. Actually, being a lawyer is tough and it’s stressful. If a faithful Christian is not strong in his/her spiritual foundation, it will be easy for him/her to leave God and to be who he/she wants to be. But if the lawyer is a Godly lawyer, he/she might have self conflict. By the way, this drama series is meaningful. It reminds me again that life is fun, life is full of choices. There is a man in the drama series who is the leader of the family; he said in that movie, I can choice to be a happy and unhealthy person or healthy but unhappy person but as for him, he choice to be a happy and optimistic unhealthy person.

It is true in what he said, people that are rich doesn’t mean that they are happy while people that are poor seems to have more joy although they have worries in their mind. This movie again reminds me to be a positive person. To think positive and to act positive. In every circumstance, good and bad always come together and it is a challenge to keep positive and happy while things go the other way round. In the movie, there is also one part that the daughter quarrels with her mother and talks something harsh about her father. Later, her father heard what their conversation said and the mother asked the father, am I doing the wrong thing? His father didn’t get upset or angry with the daughter but encourage his wife and saying that sometimes, what we gain is what we loss and what we loss might be what we gain. He turn the whole discourage word into a positive and strong word. He said that, if not because he heard it from her daughter, he won’t realize that his wife is such a wonderful person that support him no matter what happen. In another way, he gets the reminder from the argument.

Would it be good if people will get as positive as he? Maybe you can say that most of the movies are to cheat people and to get people into their fantasy world and to relax. But as for me, this movie didn’t bring me into my fantasy world but it takes me back the importance of being an optimistic person. It is so true that, God give us free will choice where by we can choice to be happy, sad, negative or a positive person. To live simple or to live a life with all kinds of requirement and it will never be fulfilling. To be an easy to satisfied person or to be a person that never gets satisfied. Why don’t we leave simple, be grateful and get satisfy easily so that in another way round, we can be a positive and joyful person?

A person without God can be a happy and optimistic person, then a person that walk together with God are supposed to a joyful and full of courage each day to face the journey of life because we have the most important one in our life that is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. What else we want when we already have the Lord?

In people's shoes

Again, it’s been another two weeks that I didn’t drop some line to my blog. Hmmm…what have I been doing this past two weeks? Well, some people will agree if I said that I have short term memory lost because sometimes, I really forgot things too fast. If you ask me, what I wore to work yesterday, I will need 5 minute to think so that I can answer you correctly. But I always told my friend that my brain has less space but it’s actually an excuse. Hihihhi…

Well, let me see. On the second Sunday of May, it’s Mother’s Day. I miss my mom. I called her to greet her Happy Mother’s Day and she was happy. I know she miss us a lot too and she will be happier if we can celebrate Mother’s Day with her. I wish I could, but distance and time that keep us apart. I still remember vividly that when I was a kid, I wish to bring my parents to travel around when have that ability. I’m working now, and yet I can’t fulfill my wish. I only can pray now that God will bless me more, that I can bring my parent to travel around. They work so hard and earn so hard for me, I should do the same for them. Although in term of financially, they didn’t really give me much but they are trying to give me what they can afford and yet it is the best for me. I love them so much and I know that God will take care of them too.

As for the third week of May, I offer myself to help my boyfriend to do one of his documentation report that need to be submit on the coming Thursday and because he use less time to sleep. I do have some idea about the topic that I need to write because previously, I did some research for him as well.

In the beginning, I told him what make you so suffer? Documentation only… is like a piece of cake. Collect all your information, then try to use your own word then compile in it. But when I started to do the report, I realize that things are not as easy as I thought. From there, God want me to learn that, don’t ever judge people when we are not in the situation because we don’t know how stress or how difficult it is for certain people. I have to think about the report for 3 days, sleep late just in order I can finish it on time for him, get stress, get frustrated easily and it’s like a nightmare to me that keep on haunting me although I’m working. I have no idea how he been through this kind of suffering for one whole year. Now, I know how stress he is and I should be more understand his situation instead of wanting him to understand me more. Relationship is really a two ways street. It should come from both sides. Both sides also have to tolerant, understanding, and love each other in return. If only one person love while the other person received, it would be an unhealthy relationship and could cause sad ending.

Blessing from above~

At last, my exams are over… I can breath now because burden no more. Although there are still some, but at least it’s lighter. Hihihihihih…

Last week, I experience a wonderful blessing from God. My cell group blesses me with sponsoring half amount of the coming koinonia camp in our church. I felt so touch and so happy not because of the amount of money that they gave me, but the heart that they have for me. I really feel blessed although I have no idea where to find the other half figure to pay up but I do feel glad and grateful. The Lord is a good God. He knows my need.

Beside that, I also experience God’s love and blessing yesterday. Yesterday, I took half day leave to study because of time consuming. But I didn’t study at home, but I studied in my office because the environments are cold and less entertainment for me to enjoy. So, I thought that I can concentrate more there. While I was studying there, my superior told me that my lady boss will not deduct my half day leave and consider me as working. She allowed me to study there and consider me as working. It’s like giving me a kindness leave. Wah…. I felt so blessed and I thank God for His blessing.

When I look back, although it is only a small thing like small amount of money and only half day leave, but I really felt happy and grateful. Then, I thought myself, am I too easy to satisfy? Another voice in my head told me that easy satisfy people will get happiness in their life. Other than that, I learn that God really know my needs. He know what is the best for me, He know what suit me, and most of all He know me.

If God gave me something more than that, it might destroy my life. I might have pride, abuse God’s word and misuse His grace. I might begin to take things for granted and have the wrong concept of blessing. God is justice and God is always good. From small things like this, I get to know God more and more.

Today I drive myself to Taman Jaya LRT Station so that I can take LRT to college for my exam. It’s also another break through for me because I drive alone to one place that I only been through several times. From driving to Taman Jaya and back from there, I can see how God protect me and He listens to my prayer. Lord, indeed you are a good God. Even through I complained, but God is still here for me. Blessed me.

Thank you!!~~

Yesterday was my birthday. Hmm… how do I feel? I feel old because one year older. The day before my birthday arrive, I celebrated it with my boyfriend. After exam in the afternoon, we went to KL to search for his guitar and then we went home and prepare for my birthday eve dinner with him in Wind Mill. The dinner was great. I took salmon fish with beef steak and serve with vegetable and fries. Weng took salmon fish with lamb steak and serve with vegetable and fries too.







After the fabulous dinner, we went for a movie. That was a great movie. The movie title is, Eight Below. This is a true story and I did learn something from the moral of the story. It is a wonderful movie. I like it.








After that, we went home and the next day, my birthday. My colleague did help me to celebrate. One of the head of department treat us KFC and my colleague bought me a cheese marble cake. It was a delicious cake. At night, I went to church to practice like I normally did. Before we left the church, my housemate plan a surprise party for me with a cake while my cell leader prepare some jelly. t was a surprise because I didn’t really expect one from them. But I feel so thankful and grateful for them. I got a chocolate bitter cake... Don't really know the name of that cake, but it is a pretty cake.











I was trying to cut the cake but because my skills are limited, i decided to let someone else did that for me. I am so thankful for my dear housemate, she is a wonderful girl. For those the whole team, thank you for participating and singing me the birthday song. Thank you for those who remember my birthday. Although only one sms and can’t really meet you guys but that can make my day alright. Thank you Lord for he is good. My cake do look nice.








The Lord is always good. Trying to show me that there are people who care a lot for me and people that love and accept me for who am I. Although my journey might be tough but the Lord shows me that I’ll never be alone. Although I always complain to God that I am so lonely but He show me that He can send people around me just to make my day brighter and to continue to trust Him so that I can continue and be stronger.

Well, this is my day, my 22nd year old birthday. A day that was normal but it did mean a lot. Happy Birthday Me, for the Lord is with me…..

Cry no more, Jump higher...

Last night I learned a wonderful thing from this Easter sermon. The title of it is why you cry?

Pastor use the passage in Gospel of John 20:10-18. This passage shows that Mary Magdalene cried when the body of Christ is not in the tomb. In fact, she shouldn’t cry because she has meet Jesus and He was resurrected. The Lord is Risen... Hallelujah!~~

From this sermon, I got to learn many things. What pastor said, is really the fact. Sometimes, we cry a lot. We cry for no reason, we cry for wrong reason, we just want to cry. Crying is actually a good realize way because through cry, we can set free. But sometimes, we just want to cry and don’t want to stand up again.

The sermon was really a good sermon that pierced into every believe heart. Why we need to cry for our trouble since that Jesus has resurrected? Why we need to cry when Jesus is with us? What else more we need if we already have Jesus? We should stop crying, stand up and move on with our life. To continue to have faith in God, trust Him and give our entire burden to Him for He had risen. We shouldn’t live everyday in our daily life like “Good Friday” never ends. We wept and wept for the all the suffering, all the injustice, all the “Good Friday”.

Sometimes in life, we get use to it no matter faithful believer or new believer. We share our burden; the whole cell group share theirs burden and cause the whole atmosphere went down because we are living in a wicked world. We forgot that the Lord had risen and we have won. We are victorious that we should face everyday as a challenge, learn from our burden and trial to give thanks to God, to learn to be stronger as day pass by, to celebrate as Christ is Risen, our fear no longer are with us. In fact, we should jump around to celebrate and tell the world, that the Lord is Risen. He is Risen from death and we won this war.

Hallelujah!~~

I don’t worth it

Yes indeed, I don’t worth it that Christ dies for me, neither anyone of us worth that. But because of God’s grace, from nobody, we turn ourselves into somebody.

Somebody that matters a lot to God
Somebody that God love a lot
Somebody that we ourselves never expected it
Somebody that no one can step us down
Somebody that are useless become useful
Somebody that has nothing become have everything
Somebody that is special
Somebody that can Glorify God

As I thought about this whole sacrificed thing, I started to wonder why? Wonder why God love us so much, since we are just a terrible sinner? Wonder why Christ chooses this way? Wonder what will happen if we don’t have Good Friday? Wonder how my life will be without Him? Wonder what this world could be if Jesus never chooses to die for us.

As I wonder more, I started to give thanks more. A word thank you can never mean more than that. God is a truly loving, kindness and merciful God, God that gives second chances. Lord, we thank you for your grace. We don’t worth it, but because Jesus dies on the cross for us, we had won the victory. May your name be Praise, May all honor belongs to you.

God is Good~

Time just flies away like that and in one more weeks plus I’ll be having my repeated exams.

It’s been a week didn’t drop down anything to my blog. Well, think that my time is not enough and I don’t really know what to write here. I learn a lot of things this past week. I learn how to face the fact, accept it, forgive, and forget. I learn how merciful, awesome, majestic, and powerful our God is. Most of all, I see how much God love me.

All these while were praying to God that saying I want to feel His love for me. Forgot to pray specifically and end up God show me different thing that out of my expectation. From my previous title, get to know how pain love is. And that is how pain God love me. It’s hard to accept that God love us so much and unconditionally because after all, I don’t worth it. But God remind me that, I means more than anything to Him that He willing to let His son die on the cross for us. Only one word that I can say, Thank You but I need a deeper word than just a Thank You.

Well, after all these crying, worrying and frustrating, it’s again for me to stand up and face reality that I have to take up this faith and trust God in my coming exam. Although stress will still bang on me suddenly, but still able to handle that, still seems to be so impossible, but I choose to make it possible. For with God, all things are possible. Lord, guide me as I Pray. Amen.

Love is pain!

Love… what is love? Every one of us desperate for love and seek for love, like it or not, we have to admit that we need love and we long for that feeling because God made us to long for His love.

Every drama series, movie and even story behind the real life of celebrity got something to do with love. Even though we know the television show is repeating the same thing about love, and yet we will feel glad to sit there with our pop corn and watch that movie.

As I go though my every day life, life seems to be tiring. As you grow older, and your knowledge become wider, there are things you wish you will never know and wish that things will be just like what it is before.

Why I said love is pain because this few days, I really get to understand that love is so pain. Our heavenly Father love for us is pain, our parents love for us is pain, our friends love for us is pain and our partner love for us is pain.

I am in pain and continue to bear this; I have to pay a cost that I couldn’t imagine. It is hard to learn to love like God standard but I will never give up.

Release

After a few days of struggle and having the inside conflict within myself, can said that I am a bit release now from all these suffer feeling.

Last few days, I have a bit conflict with relationship problem. Standing in the middle between to let go or to continue this journey. After a long thought and discuss about this problem, I realize that I couldn’t bear to lose this relationship of mine. Although problem still not totally solve yet but I get to learn what God want me to learn from this problem that I have.

Last few days, God did ask me, why am I so worry about my future and yet insist and want to solve this by my own without prayer? I heard it, but still I told God that I want to be alone right now. Not now….I choose to be the god of my own instead of letting God rules my life.

After yesterday night, I realize that love is pain. No matter what kind of love, it is pain. God’s love for us is pain. If God love is not pain, he won’t let him son die for us on the cross. Because God love us so dearly, that he have to suffer this pain.

He shows me that in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

From this bible verses, I know that this is what I have to learn. Always hope, always trust. To love one person is very easy. But to love him/her unconditionally is very difficult. No matter couple or not couple, our loves always come with a calculator. To count how much love have we offer and how much we should get it back in return so that it is even and fair. I thought that love can be defined with fair or not fair, but I was wrong. God show me that, his love for me is unconditional and why should I count so much about whose love is bigger and fair or not fair?

When come to justice, it always unfair because only true justice will come when God judge us. So why not I do my part to learn to love unconditionally so that when I meet God face to face, at least I bring no regret but honor that I learn and did what He want me to.

I also learn that, the more we want and try to use all our strength to grab one thing, the more we will always lose it. Is like grabbing some sands in your hand. The more you want, the less sand you will get but is we let go and take it softly with both of our hands open up, the more we get.

Humans are like that, when we lost it, then only we know how to cherish it. When we have it in our life, we will never know how much it means to it. I do hope that the decision that I made is right. Although it will be tough, I know… But I know God is there with me too. For His Grace is always sufficient for me.

Another new day? Another old day? Same worry, same struggle...

It is another day again when the sun rise. Last night, I have a bad sleep. I have to beg my mind to rest so that I can have a good sleep. Every weekdays, is like a routine… wake up, to work, back from work then sometimes going church activities, sometimes chat with my dear housemate, then continue with sleep. That day is gone and when you wake up, it’s another day, is another new day and the routine start again.

This few days of mine, struggle within me come non-stop in my mind. Or should I say self conflict? Struggle about which way should I go? When should I start study? Should I study? What should I do? Where am I? What next? What else? Should I let go? Am I lost? Where am I? A lot of struggle, a lot of questions, a lot of emotions, a lot of feeling….

I get tired very easily, and my mood goes down so fast. Now, even stuck here for no reason. Don’t know what to write don’t know what to post and don’t know what to do.

My Day...

Today, my mood is a good. Like usual, every morning our department will have a short briefing. This morning, I conduct the short briefing. Overall is good and my lady boss gave me the comment about my briefing is good too. I’m glad I did the best for God and I’m grateful that God is with me that time.

After a few days of thought and struggle about my job of scope, I started to let go and do my best for God. Try to do all my work like doing it for the sake of God. Indeed, I gain a little bit trust from my lady boss. Around noon time, she asked me to count the OT pay for our office worker. Normally, these kinds of things are private and confidential but she allowed me to do so. I was shock because all these while, no one can do payroll thing or allow knowing other people salary. But she gave me the opportunity to do it. So, I did what I need to.

As I started to count their rest day OT claim, I started to realize that the Lord indeed is very good to me and I am so blessed. I am so blessed with what I have. If I compare to others, my salary are low but as for me, it consider a high pay job because I only have SPM cert and almost one year working experience…. I got this paid. I am so blessed that I can’t stop thanking God for what he has done for me. I am so blessed.

Sometimes, we thought that God had forgotten us, but actually we are wrong. From what I have today, when I turn and look back, I know there is a purpose for me to stand where I am standing now.

When I reach home, I have a short chat with my dear housemate and prepare myself to prayer meeting. The prayer meeting was good and we have a wonderful fellowship there to update with each other what have happened with us last few days.

After the prayer meeting end, I planned to start my study immediately when I reach home. When I reach home, seems that my plan failed again. I sit there and have a long chat with my dear housemate again. We talk about a lot of things and a lot of things have no conclusion because the conclusion is in God’s hand. We discussed about life struggle, love life and market job situation. All these are negative thing that make my mood down again. Seems like my happy moment can easy come and easy go....

Happy Birthday!!!~~~~ Memories...

Today is the birthday of my best friend that is now studying in Australia. Happy Birthday!!~~

I would like to dedicate this day for her. This is the 2nd year that I didn’t spend this day with her. Last year, when she celebrates her 21st birthday, I wasn’t by her side because I was in Sandakan. This year, I can’t spend this day with her too because she went to Australia to further her study.

I did mention about her departure early last month. Hardly believe that she’s been there for a month plus. I miss her so much and I do hope that today, she can have a wonderful day there. Although she’ll be alone and celebrating her big day with less love ones but I would like her to know that, she’ll never be alone. We will all pray for you here, I’ll support you and my shoulder will always here for her when she needs it the most.

As I mention before that we’ve become each other best friends for so many years. Sometimes, I do take her for granted. I would like to apologize for that. I still remember that when we were small kids, we use to call each other almost everyday. Our parents will scold us like mad dog because of the phone bills never decrease, only keep on increasing. There is one time when we quarrel about different opinion on the phone, both of us kept silent for some time on the phone without speaking to one another. We don’t want to hang up the phone and we don’t want to speak to each other. So we just hang there and holding the phone with silent to hear each other breathe. When I thought back, no wonder why our parents scolded us like crazy. It’s silly when I thought back but it’s fun too because I have this memories.

I meet her in my mother church during Sunday school last time. Before we became best friend, her first impression for me is bad. From her first impression, I thought that she was the kind of bitchie girl that like to show off about her wealth because she is quite wealthy and look down on other people. But when I get to know her a bit deeper, I was wrong. She is very generous in giving gift. Every year on Christmas day, she will become the Santa Claus in our church to give present to her friends and love ones. Every year, she can buy around 20 presents and those presents bought it from Singapore. So you can imagine that how much she spend on giving gift like that for almost 5 years?

She is a very talented girl who has a beautiful voice. She is talented in flute and dancing too. But she always thinks that she is not good enough. Actually, she is good enough. She likes to sing while we were chatting on the phone and I like to scold her for doing so. Every end of the years, her whole family will go to Singapore for holiday and she will called me almost everyday too in Singapore to have a chat and to update our daily life. I miss that; I miss chatting with her on the phone for hours. I miss quarrel on the phone and just holding the phone without a word from each other. I miss that.

I remember there is one time, during school holiday season, something happen to her family that cause her so sad and moody. She’s alone at home with her brother and she’ll keep on think about negative thought. To keep myself less worry, I stay with her for a few days and try to comfort her. At last, her family is all right and we Thank God for guiding us through. Before we stay with each other in KL, I often stay overnight at her place and we will have a long chat until we get tired and felt asleep automatically.

The more memories that I thought back, I just couldn’t stop giving thanks to God for all his love and blessing for both of us all these years. I really grateful what God had put in my life. Every trial, every blessing, blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Our loves for each other are not the kind of love that normal friends have, not boys and girl’s relationship have but is a kind of love that are unconditional. A love that from God, a love that will last us till death do us part, a love that will continue to love each other although the storm and the wind blow strong. I do pray that this friendship will be a forever friendship that nothing can tear us apart.

Happy Birthday Darling, wish you all the best…..

A few days consideration...

This few days has been a busy day for me. Can’t even sit down and summarize the whole day of mine. Let me see, from the day that I stop until today, it’s been the 8th day. Wow….what I did last past 8 days? Can’t really remember but I’ll try to summarize it up.

Last Saturday night, our sermon outline is about “Money”. After the sermon, get to know what we use to know and what knowledge that we lack of. From that sermon, I get to set my mind set right again and to believe that everything that we own belongs to God. Naked we came from our mother womb, naked we shall go to our Heavenly Father. It’s a very tough lesson because the worldly teaching is that what we earn is what belongs to us. But the biblical teaching is we own nothing and what we have is not belong to ourselves. It is a good concept that we as a Christian should set in our mind set today so that when we really have nothing, we won’t betray God because of world treasure.

Meanwhile on last Sunday, my boyfriend and I as usual, he came to find me and sometimes we went for lunch together and spend some time to be with each other. I felt a bit bored staying at home so I suggested driving to some place to explode a bit in my driving skills. So, we went to KL then Cheras follow with OUG to PJ and finally I am safe in one piece and reach home. It’s a big breakthrough for me and yet I learn a meaningful lesson about God’s grace. Every place I go use to have a lot of cars because that is a Sunday but on that Sunday, KL and Cheras seems to have less car so that I can learn to be strong and have courage when I drive. Although I do face some difficulties but these difficulties are something I can bear with it. He knows I can bear that and He know my strength. Indeed God show me that his grace is sufficient for me. No matter where I am, no matter what kind of trial I face, His grace is always sufficient for me. From driving around, I got to learn to trust God even more and know that my God are there for me.


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In life, we often struggle about different thing. No matter is a small struggle or a big one but we do struggle. This few days of mine, I have my struggle as well. But I can say that I struggle everyday for small things. I use to struggle about food in this lent season, for example, can I eat? Should I eat? Standing in a line between yes and no and the decision can only be made by me. In fact, it is a struggle for me. Like it or not, we do struggle and with this struggle in us, we know how to choose a decision between a good decision and a bad one. As for me, before every decision that I have to made, I have to think twice. Sometimes, not even twice but a few times. I started to ask myself, why do I need to think so many times before every decision that I need to made? Will this exhaust me? Why do I struggle a lot? Is that necessary? Will that help me? After a while of all these questions coming out from my mind, started to realize that why this thing brother me a lot? So I just say a prayer and up hold it to God.

Is just a prayer away wah…..

Challenging...

Yesterday was a day full of challenge for me. I don’t have enough time to drop down what had happened yesterday, so I have to write it down today.

I got to know my result in the morning around 10.30pm. After I know my result, it’s again another difficult thing for me to accept and to repeat what I use to repeat it again. I ask God and even scolded God saying that what else? What else you want from me? Do you have any idea how hurt am I? Do you know the pain inside me? My emotions make me lost my direction and hope my hope and trust in God. Within that half an hour later, I confess to God saying that I am sorry for complaining and blaming on you for this. In fact, I know there are more than what I expect God will use in me as I prayer for this year is ‘Use me Oh Lord’.

I started to pick myself up again and keep my trust and hope in God again. It’s tough, it pain but what else can I do? People surround me went speechless when I told them that I didn’t manage to get a pass AGAIN. They have no idea how to encourage me and have no idea what should they said so that I will not stop giving up. Even my very best friend saw me fall and stand up AGAIN and AGAIN.

When I let my cell group know that it’s been another failure again, all they can say is to pray for me. From yesterday, I get to know that no one can help me anymore. No word from them to encourage me and they have no idea how pain am I now. But only God know because every failure, He was there.

The title for today daily bread is The Good that Pain can do. Hmm…it go well with me and I can again reminds me that I am here for a reason, God have His Will and Ways for me. All I can do now is to set my focus right again and continue to trust and have faith in God. The process is tough but the result will be excellent. Difficult lesson but powerful testimony.


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Around evening time, my colleague and I went to Mc Donald not for dinner but to know deeper about a part time job that we are interested about. It’s about investment and convincing people to invest into their fund. Sound interesting and can earn a lot but everything come with good and bad, so from the good part, there are also a tough part. The product itself is a very good product. I personally have no worries about the product. When I reach home, I discussed this with my boyfriend and my housemate; they also said that investment is good. At the same time, they also pop up a very good question for me, where do I get my target audience?

The question that my housemate gave me is very true. She makes me think that it’s even tougher than I can imagine now. It’s all about yourself and winning the inside you. Throwing the pride in you, begging, doing non-stop research, and paying extra time and effort just for a better pay.
After spent some time discussion about this part time job, I wonder do people invest their money into all these kind of fund? A few thousand of hard work money and then hand it into one investor consultant. As for me, can I trust that consultant? What make me trust him/her? Same goes to me when I really take up this challenge. What make people trust me with that much money they have hard earn? Investment do have earn and lost. If they lose their money, the trust that I earn from them last time totally gone. Some more my name are worst than shit. My name worst than a shit should be not big problem but what if it interrupt the name of Christianity?

Another thing that worry me a lot is that, do I have enough time for all these training, appointments, and meeting up? How about my serving? How about God? Am I getting too much of all these negative thought? All these are really the fact that we should consider really well before we commit ourselves into other commitment.

This job come with advantages too I believe. My life is not about myself and it’s no longer belongs to me. It belongs to God. Before I make any stupid choices, better pray about it first. If anyone of you planned before to invest your money to all kind of fund and have faith in investment, please let me know. Thanks

How we define life

Today my mom called me and tell me that one of my aunt might have lung cancer because when she go and x-ray her lung, the doctor found out that there is one shadow in her lung that might be a tumor or cancer. Tomorrow, my result will be out and I feel emotional now but and I told myself, who I am to compare with I compare it with people that are facing life and death now.

I get a bit sad when I got to know that because this aunt of mine is a close relative of us and she take care of us since we are babies. She watched us grow, become adult and continue to care about our career and life.

Life seems to be so short and meaningless when I get to know this news. Her age not yet reach 50 but she has to suffer this kind of pain and fear in her life. I called her just now and I can hear that from her tone, that she is so fearful and helpless. I advice her that the only thing we can do now is to pray to God and only God can help us.

It suddenly remind us that we should spend more time with our love’s one instead of our career. What for if we gain the whole world but no one to share our happiness and joy? What for if we have everything but we lost the love’s of our life? What else is the meaning of life? Life can be so short and yet it can be so meaningful. It can be another way round too.

As I thought a bit deeper, life is really precious. It’s more precious than silver or gold. I don’t understand why some people rather to commit suicide than to continue to face their challenge? Some people beg God everyday and hope that their life will be a little bit longer, in another side; people are taking their life away just like that because they can no longer face tomorrow.

Life can be so difficult and yet it can be so wonderful and beautiful. As for me, life is about a piece of drawing that only God is in control. In the early stage of the drawing, it might be ugly, plain and meaningless. As the creator continues to draw the picture, when it is finish, it will be a picture that worth a million words and it will be a perfect picture. Sometimes, we might hate black color but that is the only way for us. When we have another blue and white, it will again brighten our day. It only depends on us how we see the value of life.

Oh Lord, please grand everyone’s of us courage as we will face each day full of challenge. Guide our heart that we live everyday full of meaning and wonderful memories. That when our time is here, we have no regret in our life but joy that we can finally meet each other.

I get frustrated….

I really do when i think of I have to work tomorrow because of my lady boss. I don’t know what I should do to again to satisfy her need. She is so controlling, like to change her mind often and everything that I did seems to be wrong and not good enough. Everything that I did is not good enough. She pick people to love, trust and she look down on people with different race from her. She is very powerful in my company and yet I doubt how come this kind of people can become a good leader and gain favor from CEO?

Not that she thinks that I am not good enough but she trust no body in our department except those who can please her. Sometimes, I think that maybe I should try to please her too so that when she have favor on me, I might get an increment fast, high performance and bonus because if she dislike a particular person, no matter how good your work is, how much effort you put or how intelligent you are, you will not get any increment because her favor are not on you. Indeed, I did try to please her but I cannot accept myself doing this. I live to please God and only God I will please. Who she think she is, she is only my superior not my cell leader, what for I want to please her?

Because I choose to be myself, I get scolded almost everyday and I get scolded even it is not my fault. Now, she complain toward my senior and ask my senior to try to advice me not to go back 5pm sharp. I think about it myself, what’s going on now? My working hour ended at 5pm, I have finished my thing and yet I can’t go back at 5pm? What kind of company is this? Don’t I have a life of my own?

She wants to control everything and everyone. Even the cup that put on our personally table are not washed, she also want to scold and control of it. Might as well she hire a robot and work with her since that she require no suggestion from us, no feeling and only work like a cow.

I cannot believe that I have to face her everyday. Oh Lord, please strengthen me.

Fast and pray

Today is the first day of our 40 days fast and prayer for the lent season. Hmmm… how do I feel now? I do feel excited and a bit worry because not only that I fast a meal a day but I fast drama series and TV as well. If anyone knows me well, they should know that I like to watch drama series and movie a lot. So, should I continue to be excited? Anyway, I still feel excited. Excited because the whole church is fasting and praying, worry because I scared I can’t stand until the 40th days. I remember last few years that our church have these 40 days fast and prayer, I joined the whole church to fast and pray together but I failed. So, I do pray that God will give me strength and self-control to stand strong in the midst of struggle ness and temptation that I can seek His face and touch by God personally.

Well, what should I pray for? Let me think… In these 40 days of transformation, I would like to learn more about humility and different breakthrough. It won’t be easy because there will be a lot of strong hold that try to break you down. But I am not afraid and willing to take up the challenge to pray for my family, my love’s one, my church my nation and myself. Wow, it gonna be excited. So, why not we encourage one another? When one person falls down, the other will pick him/her up and continue and enjoy in the midst of suffering.

The very first thing that I would like to pray for is to pray for myself. I pray that God will teach my to humble myself. Humility is a very difficult lesson. Someone took his or her whole life to learn to humble and use by God. I hope that I don’t need to talk my whole life to learn humility.

Just now, my church has a pray meeting to stir up our spirit to pray together as we start the first day of this excited event. It is a good prayer meeting that we can draw close to God again and pray for the church. After the meeting, as usual I went home and prepare myself to rest. Before that, I chat with a brother online in MSN. He said that he would be jobless soon because of the ceased contract. The more we talk about job, the more we release how ridiculous this world had become.

SPM Cert + Working Experience = High Pay
Diploma Cert + Little Working Experience = Normal Pay
Degree Cert + No Working Experience = Jobless / Low Pay


In another way round, study business came out and work in a restaurant or study IT came our work as a sales executive. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with this world? The higher you study, the lower pay you get because almost everyone is a degree holder. What make you so special? Some of the employers now think that, you work with me like a cow with low pay or you continue jobless because I don’t care, a lot more people want a job like this. Many people said that if they know working experience is that important, they should start to work at the first place.

Of course, there are good employers too. But how long we take to find that good company and employers? Speechless…

What can we do now? Just kneel down and pray to God and pray that the Lord will provide...

What a life

Yesterday, my housemate, sister and I went for a jogging in the park near by our apartment. It is a wonderful park, filled with kids, couple, and also family. The main reason that we went to that jogging because my housemate want to release stress in her working place and so as her personal stuff that bother her a lot. So we have a wonderful time together although we run our own way. In Christian journey, we do have our own way to run for God. Ways are different but the joy of serving God together is always there. When I fall down, someone will be there to pick me up. When she lost her strength, I’ll give her courage to continue to seek God.

As I was jogging alone in that park, I start to think and ask myself. Why am I doing here since I hate to jog, it’s tiring me and I’ll get body ache the next day after this. But there is only one reason that keeps me on running that is for the kingdom of God. I jog and hope that I can be healthy and slim to do what God has His purpose in me. At the first place, people will look at me like I am some kind of the weirdo, later on I don’t care what people said, don’t care how people look at me but I continue to run to achieve my dreams. It goes the same if we apply to our daily life. If we care what people think and how they look at us, we will never be success because there are a millions of people around us with different opinions. How are we going to satisfied each of them?

I kept on thinking while I’m running and when I get tired I slow down. Currently, I stop dancing for God in my church because of the same thing as jogging. When I get tired, I need a rest to refresh and find back my motivation about dancing my very best to God. When I get back my energy, it will be another race to run for God.


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Just now I went to music team as usual like what we all did every Tuesday. One sister told me that she willing to give me a hand in the short of dancer situation. I should be glad and feel blessed but my feeling turn another way. When she explain to me what she was thinking, I try my very best to explain to her what I want also. But what I told her doesn’t seem like what I want. I started to get worry. What is happening with me? I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what to say. So, we end the discussion up with telling her that I need more time to think and consider about the whole thing.

Actually, it is a very simple thing. I don’t know what happen to me that I suddenly don’t know what I want for this ministry. I started to struggle.

Not only about my serving in the church, sometimes I don’t know what I want in choosing food, cloth or even small decision that shouldn’t be a problem for me. Is it because that I want the best for every little thing? Couldn’t get the answer either but have decided to go to bath now and think about it later.