Stress!

Everyone will have the opportunity to experience stress. Maybe not everyone… Some experience it but have no idea what that called. But still, everyone will face the feeling of stress. As I look through the dictionary of Cambridge the meaning of stress is;

#Stress - great worry caused by a difficult situation, or something which causes this condition

I’ve been pretty busy these two months. Before the clergy wives’ retreat, I have to prepare for it. After that, I have to prepare for in-house clergy training. Now, I am still in the midst of preparing.

With such an amount of work, late sleep, in orderly time for meal, people expectation, worry of not doing it right and so on ….really caused me tired and emotional unstable. Maybe also because my period is around the corner, mood swing is very normal.

To release stress;
#1 Pray
#2 Listen to sermons
#3 Sleep
#4 Watch a funny movie and laugh about it
#5 Hang out with close friend or someone that I love
#6 Read people’s interesting Blog and update mine
#7 Do my plan 2
#8 Plan a holiday
#9 Day dreaming with beautiful scenery
#10 Listen to song favorite music
#11 Shopping – provided money is available
#12 Eat something that I wish and like

As for now, I choose to update my blog…
** Stress & tired! **

The first time feeling…

Tonight, I didn’t stay back in worship practice to practice together with them but I have to rush back to the office to continue what I have left behind just now. The feeling of leaving the 4 new dancers that I have trained them for all these while give such a heavy heart. This coming Sunday, 2 out of the 4 will dance at 10am English service. Before I left, I think most of the dancers will felt that I am like a mother that nag a lot.

Remember to practice… Remember to lift your hand up high… smile while you are dancing and smile with me when I am smiling with you… Don’t play around but practice well… Wear white color shirt… Please teach her if she cannot follow.. Don’t lead too fast… Don’t put too hard pattern.. Don’t talk while practicing… etc…

I kinda felt the feeling of a mother. Can they do well? Will they be ok when I am not around? I worry about the one that lead them this week cannot control that many kids. Many questions running around my head. And yes… They are all kids. That’s why I worry. But not the one that leads them in dancing.

Overall, I think they will practice at home and do well in the worship. Sometimes, we all just need a bit pressure to see where we are heading to and to improve.

** The first time feeling **

Clergy Wives' Retreat

I learn tremendously in this retreat. Not that I am a clergy wives’ but I was there as a support staff. Someone that runs here and there in order to make sure things are in order and they can have a great service. With all the busy in hand, I still manage to enjoy myself. I saw most of them love the retreat and they all have a lot of fun. Even I have a lot of fun. The words are powerful and the workshop and amazing. They get surprises from here and there each day and gifts to be taken home with them. Not only them, I got surprises too… Haha… The first night was an opening dinner in Bishop’s house. The second day of the retreat, we all have the privilege of getting ourselves colored up and ready for a photo shot by an excellent and gifted photographer, Louis Pang. I got my first portrait and it was taken by Louis Pang. What a blessing!

Tada….In the afternoon, we learn about colors. What colors that suits everyone and looks best on each of us. The third day, we continue with learning colors and grooming. How to play with colors to make you look suitable for the occasion. In the afternoon, they have their flower arranging workshop while I prepare the night session.With these three nights, not only that I enjoy but I have a lot of fun making new friends and it my honor to serve them. I learned about inner beauty and outward beauty. And most important and out of my expectation, I am refreshed also. God is always good. Even though I am only supporting there, but he bless me too. Not only with all the tips for outward and inward beauty but what I have been searching for, is answered by Him. God is always great.

** Refreshed **

The best week ever?

Put aside a busy schedule and never ending work… I can say that I have the best week even although the week has not ended yet but positive attitude, brought out the great rest of the days.

#1: He spent a lot more time with me than the usual weeks. Due to his and mine busy schedule, we talked like almost 5 minutes a call each day. But this week, it’s different

#2: I am blessed with some free lunch and dinner

#3: My G900 is coming back after about a month away from me to the mobile clinic to repair

#4: My necklace is coming back to me also after about 6 months repair

The best time I have, is that we are in great mood and everything we talked, manage to click it on. I miss this for awhile….

Best time? I think so…

**Great and wonderful days**

I always do...

Do I miss him? I always do....

** I always do...**

Overall

The past few weeks I was pretty busy. Not only busy, but I lost the momentum of keeping my blog updated. Hmm…. Sometimes, keeping up the momentum is tiring. I guess it’s good to have myself stop writing but to think a little bit more.

I’ve been back to my hometown on last Sunday to have another fun family time being together. Hmm… Interestingly, when I have holiday, I tend to be lazy. Other than sleep and eat, I’ve watched 10 movies which include Camp Rock, The Journey to the Center of the Earth, Tale of Despereaux, Inkheart, Yes Man and so on…. I can’t even remember the name of the movies that I watched.

Back to a comfort zone is really comfort. Sometimes, it’s too comfort… So far, I get myself rested and try to get myself refreshed also.

Recently, facebook have this how much you know certain person kind of quiz. I took some of it. Without my expectation, some I scored quite high. Meanwhile, some I scored unexpected low. It keeps me stop and thinks for awhile. Hmm… I guess I really think a lot recently.

As I quietly thought about it, this quiz should be something really fun about it. Even those who are not so into facebook will also try to create some quiz and try to find out how much other people know them. Hmm… this should be very interesting for me. But all I felt was something that is very unusual from what I expect myself to feel. Am I a closed book now?

Hmm…. I guess I am complicated after what I’ve been through.

**Overall**

Encouraging?

When you thought that you have done the best and give the best, actually… you have only managed to go though stage 1 in level 2.

**Or Discouraging??? Hmmm....**

I pray...

Sometimes we have no words to comfort
Sometimes we are helpless
When people around can’t give the comfort and peace that we long for
There is only God will understand the feeling
Only God know the pain
Only God read the emotions

Lord, I pray that your comfort with be with him and his family. Only your peace and comfort he and his family longs for. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

** I pray... **

Happy Birthday Jenny!

When age started to get bigger and bigger, different people will start to react differently. This year, I have this feeling of trying not to let people know that my birthday is today. Especially in a big group of people. I just feel weird… Maybe as I grow older, celebrating birthday is no longer a request. Normal routine still has to be on. Have to work, have to eat, have to sleep and nothing so special about it. The specialty of this day should be some close friends around and just a simple lunch or dinner. That is good enough. To have a few close friends to sit around and enjoy the fellowship is really something that is so hard to do because everyone has their own schedule and to make up one day for that fellowship, will always be someday special for someone. That is birthday.

Well, today I didn’t get that but I am happy too. Many people greet me Happy Birthday and indeed, I have a great and happy day. I have a great birthday gift from him and I love it because it’s priceless. I have a great breakfast fellowship with my mentoring leader. Although just a short one but it’s good enough. I have a great and expensive lunch with my ex-colleague and we enjoy the fellowship. I have a great night in the youth because they surprise me with closing all the lights and out of the blue my picture is on the screen when I thought we have a video clip to promote on something else and the cake came in and they sang Happy Birthday. Although I feel weird but I am grateful for what they have prepare. This is it… another year has past and I am one year bigger.

** Happy birthday Jenny **

Last day of 24th

I spend it in the dark for an hour and half because out of electricity. Wow… New stuff… I never spend my last few minutes/hours in a dark before I reach 25th.

** Interesting… **

I’m happy today

Today, I woke up by a dear old friend of mine which he didn’t called me for months
Today, I got my first 25th years old birthday present that is a chocolate… love it, love it so much and I am very happy when I got it
Today, I also got my second present which I never expected to get any gift this year from 3 dear colleagues
Today, I learn that suffering is to prepare you for a bigger task. Suffering is good
Today, I feel something that I have no been feeling for quite some time
Today, I’m happy…

Never expect anything from anyone because I only expect some simple greetings and that will be it. God is always good… Out of no expectation, you might get some surprise. In fact, expect less… happier I will be….

** I’m happy **

Disappointed

I have lost count of how many times that I felt this feeling.
When I expect, I get disappointed….
Then I try my best not to expect, I felt the same… So what’s the difference?

I even learn not to trust just to save myself from it…

Man may fail me, but God never…

**Disappointed**

I have fun

I have a great day last night… First of all it because we seldom have English Zone Staff gathering and also I seldom can see the other fun side of those serious people that I worked with. Last night I have fun and it felt like ages I never laugh like what I laughed last night. The ice breaker was very simple and yet we all laugh aloud. It’s a beautiful moment when you can only heard laughter all around you. Even though it’s only for a short period, but that moment can refresh me for quite some time.

After last night, today I had fun too. Today I have the opportunity to face my nightmare. Even though I didn’t manage to rid of it but I get other things which I learned. I learned that it’s a journey. Again it remind me that sometimes, it’s not the result that matter but the process I go though will able to bring my personal relationship with Him into another level.

So ya… I learn to have fun again.

** Refreshed **

I have new dream now!

As i was trying to search something online, i found something else. Something interesting and insanely beautiful...Wow...

If i got this kind of cake, i really don't know what to say. I guess i will not eat also coz it's just too nice. Now i have new dream...

**Nice**

Paris

One picture can speak a thousands word... Wow... Paris...I wish... I wish....

**Paris**

Lord, hear my cry….

Lord, hear my cry…. When I can only find comfort in You
Lord, hear my cry…. When I can only find back the feeling of love from You
Lord, hear my cry…. When I have no words but tears
Lord, hear my cry…. When I need no one else but You
Lord, hear my cry…. The one that ones a strong person
Lord, hear my cry…. The one that ones a positive and happy person
Lord, hear my cry…. The one that ones found favors in your eyes
Lord, hear my cry…. Because you are my God, my stronghold, my shelter and my refuge

** Lord hear my cry…**

Tuesday - Day off

Yesterday was my day off which I look forward so much because I have been working two weeks in a roll without having break. As I look forward to it, of course I will also plan for it. Get myself enough rest, wake up and study Theophostic, watch one movie and work on some of the stuff. Well, everything has planned but it doesn’t go according to my plan. I end up having enough rest and shopping in One Borneo.

So, I went One Borneo with my dear housemate. Basically is to accompany her and we have a lot of fun. We saw the mushroom decoration…
And I found a cheese burger phone
And a cheese burger saving tankWeird? But I think it’s interesting…

Last but not least, I bought three pairs of shoes… Ta da… With two pairs of Vincci and one pair of Chales and Keith for only RM138 for three? Cheap, nice and reasonable? I think so… God is always good. He answers prayer… Yeah… I forgot how nice it feel to shop... It's like ages i didn't go shopping and buying pretty and reasonable price thing is so fun.

** God is always good **

Currently

Currently I have grown round… Period? Or too many rich? Hmm…
Currently I lost my interest in Heroes Season 3
Currently I didn’t sleep well
Currently I am interested in Germany
Currently I am so into blogging and making my blog pretty and fun to browse
Currently I am thinking should take more pictures with him when we are together
Currently I have a serious thought of getting myself 1000 piece of puzzle
Currently I get flu fast
Currently I am having short term plans
Currently I like to eat
Currently I am so keen into handmade things.. Craft?Will you look at that… isn’t it lovely? Well, looking and doing is totally different things

**Currently**

Today is a miracle…

Why? Because today I ate lunch with Pei San. Hahaha… and she bought me Starbucks. Miracle? I think so…

** Glad that we can have some fellowship**

I need new shoes

I seriously need to shop for some new shoes. New working shoes... Comfortable, nice, long lasting and cheap...Okla, not cheap la.. at least reasonable and worthwhile price.

Go online and search the type that i think i will look nice on it and here it is....



Hmm... Should go shopping. I miss shopping with some of my dear friends back in KL. We always have lots of fun shopping together. And i miss KL. I totally know where to get great shoes and reasonable shoes in KL. As in KK... hmm... i'm not so sure.

**I need shoes**

Last Saturday…

I have this mood to make an origami box… So, I tried it out;
This is the reference
Manage to get the box
And the cover
Tada…. Finish!
But low and behold, the cover is too big…HeheAfter two hour sleep, I try again and I did it. So happy….
** Yeah **

Reflect

Serving in youth ministry reflected a lot of my own youth time. When I was still in my teenager time, problem will always be friends cannot be trusted, to find a true friend is so hard, you thought she/he is a very good friend of yours but never know that they are the one that stab behind your back, boys and girls relationship, I was in love with this guy but he love another girl, or this girl is trying to seduce another guy, gossip is flying around, rumors about who and who is all over the place. Hahaha… when I reflect on it, I can only laugh at myself. Laugh because it was fun. To have all those memories, it builds me to who I am today. True friend is always hard to find, well….. No one can deny that. Some people would rather give up the chances of looking for one just because they fed up with their previous experience. It is just too heartbroken to again give your heart to someone that doesn’t know how to handle a fragile heart.

Nick Vujicic said that everyone craving for two things in their life that are longing for someone to love and someone to tell them everything will be ok. When I heard that, I totally agreed. Everyone desired someone to love them in return and hunger someone to tell them things will be ok when they themselves cannot convince themselves that it will be ok.

I guess things WILL be ok after all the “happening” in our teenager life. When you look back, it’s not that big deal after all and there are things you can laugh about because it’s part of your journey, it’s part of a growing period and one day, we all will be grateful of what God has in us because He always hold our future, always in control.

**Reflect**

Coffee break

Sometimes it’s just good to stick around having coffee break and read some blog and suft some stuff that I like although work still lots, paper still all around my table and files are getting higher and higher in my room. So, ya… I am having my coffee break, trying to find something that I like, something that can inspire me again and can motivate me to continue to move forward with joy and strength from Him.

Guess what I found, http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/ inspired and motivated.

And … tada…Muahahaha… look at it already make me so happy. I like stuff that looks bigger than normal size. If only I can get a giant chocolate, then I will be the happiest lady in town.

Pictures that we took together while he is here…


Till then... Miss him much...

** End of Coffee Break – back to work **

Willing…

These few days, I came across with this word willing. Is a willing heart matters a lot? To get the things done is more important or to have a willing heart to get the things done more important?

If everyone waits for a willing person to get things done, then how the work will be done? But if you are doing it with unwilling heart, you will suffer but the things are still done. Which is more important?

God gave us free will choice but in this world and society, seems like not much free will choice you can practice. Willing or not willing, sometimes we have no choice. I wonder when willingness need to come in?

When you have love, you will be willing… but when you are not willing, does that mean you have no love anymore? Hmm… I really wish to know.

** Willing? **

God is in control

Recently, as I browse through a friend's blog, it tenderly reminds me that after all, God is in control.

Don’t know when it started that I used to control what I could possibly control. I want things to go my way instead of His way. I take control of my work because I am the only one that has to bear responsible on my work if there is any mistake. I take control of my own lifestyle and health because I choose what to wear, what to eat and when to sleep.

With such a routine, I have slowly forgotten that there are many things out of my control. I could not control certain things. I could not control someone to be happy together with me. I could not control what people thought about me. I could not control someone to share the same sadness with me and thus, it caused me to fall. With this fall, again I am being reminded that after all, God is in control. I can love, but can never force someone love me in return. I can give, but can never force someone to sacrifice the same amount. I can walk but can never drag someone that not willing to walk with me. After all, God is in control, God gives everyone free will choice to choose the way they react, the live and their path.

** Let go, let God because God is in control **

Only God knows….

Most of the time, we will tend to advice too fast; give solution to fast and to say our own perspective too fast. Sometimes, someone only want a listening ear because we all grown up and go through journey of life in every different ways, experience different thing. But to find only listening ears is also this hard. Why?

Different people give different encouragement. I truly appreciate the encouragement and the effort of trying … But most of the time, I only want a pair of ears to hear my struggle, my foolishness, and my tears and yet, it's hard to find. No wonder most adults choose to keep everything themselves. They tried before to share but it become even bitter.

** Only God knows... **

Yesterday

Yesterday I have a lazy morning
Yesterday I had lunch with the Education Board Member
Yesterday I finally meet with Datuk Mary
Yesterday I was called to a wrong meeting and I stay the whole meeting
Yesterday I ate the most salty maggi because I mistakenly throw most of the soup away
Yesterday I have fun in cell group
Yesterday I experience a feeling that I never wanted to feel back
Yesterday I sleep with a heavy heart

** My yesterday **

What's the point?

Why do people want to know what happen and why certain things happen and when someone else explain, they seems not believe it and put someone else's reason into an excuses category? I really don't understand.

When it is sure that it is the explanation, certain people will still look at it as an excuse. Then what's the point that you ask and yet not listening? Weird believe…. Really weird…

Sometimes, we just cannot blame why people choose to be quiet than explaining because explain or not, the result will also be the same. What's the point?

** Really don't understand **

An unhappy morning

I wake up with a heavy heart
Looking out for a reason
Why my heart is down?
Why I am feeling such a way?
I come before Him
Bringing my emotion
Asking Him to take it away
Why I feel such an emotion?
What is wrong?
I am still asking
Still searching
Still waiting

A down morning

Realization….

No 1 #
Drink one liter bottle of plain water every morning before you brush your teeth will really give good health and pretty skin

No 2 #
Emotion is the bridge to your belief
Which means that what you feel is based on the fact that you believe.

Fact 3 #
I feel that I have gain weight when I am back to hometown during Chinese New Year but most of the people said that I have slim down

Interesting?

God is good…

It is such a great joy when you work and you felt bored of it and a friend of yours got you coffee bean's coffee that right straight at your door steps. I feel so blessed with someone delivering great stuff like this to me when I am screaming for something different out of the routine work.So here it is… Yeah babe… Ice blended coffee stuff…

**I am blessed**

When it only left scar

In certain path of life, you will look back and give thanks. Sometimes, you will stare at the scar and thought back a lot of things that had happen. When it only left scar, it means that it's been quite some time. You touch it, you won't feel pain anymore.

But when I'm being reminded of how the incident happened, I started to feel the same pain. When I see the same sign and reaction, I started to cry it out to God. A level of faith is being tested; a level of trust is a doubt. Where is my faith, I asked? Where is my trust? And yet, I stood quietly.

Many times I stood quietly in front of Him. Without a word, He knows how I felt. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I only wish He is here, just to be with Him to remind myself that He is always faithful, always loving. If one day, He tells me that He can remove my scar too, I will be glad to let Him do so. I pray that without this scar, I won't be as terrify as I used to be.

We all know that happiness is a choice. Sometimes when you have decided to be happy today it doesn't mean that you will end up happy also. Although you try so hard to lift yourself up again, but in certain times, we need more than ourselves to lift us up.

**When it only left scar**

Tears

My best friend once told me that tears is a gift from God. God give us tears to express the feeling we have. Positive or negative thought, both can produce tears.

I have ones lost tears for certain period. No matter how sad am I, tears just seem can't to shed out. Not even one drop. As for now, tears seem like a little bit too much for me. I try to stop it from dropping down my cheek but it end up, even worst.

I do believe that tears are a gift from God because when you only have feelings and not a word, there is where tears will express the word.

Lord, count my tears because only you know my path, you know my pain.

**Tears**

When you can't breath

In any organization or company that you worked in, people expectation is something that you can never run away with because we all have expectation on certain things. Some expectation will be higher… some will slightly lower just for the sake of don't wish to get disappointed feeling deeper.

Sometimes, we didn't even realize that our expectation for certain people are getting higher and higher until they cannot breathe. Today I have the opportunity to experience it again that when you walk out from a room, you felt difficult to breathe just because of certain people expectation on you is so high that you can't say a word or should I say, you don't even know what to say.

I guess I should learn to expect nothing from anyone. After all, we are only human. Everyone have their own reasons, have their own difficulties…. Why push someone into the pool of high expectation when they don't even know how to swim?

**High expectation kill soul slowly**

Let go, let God

Every early of the year, for sure that I will change the way my blog looks. This year, I would like to give brown a try. Recently, I am so in love with brown color. Still wondering why…

Though a bit late, mid of Feb is here but after the change, I just hope to have a refreshed look. i change the title as well from the previous one.

A preparation journey
*A journey that will mould me to prepare to be a faithful follower, a humble servant, a passionate lover, a supportive wife, a godly mother and a better person*

I think that my path will always be a preparation journey.

I have changed it to let go, let God. A very simple four word, let go, let God but I wonder, how far I could score if I want to put it into a test? For certain people letting go is like a piece of cake. As for me, I think I will need to take years to learn. I cannot deny that I am the kind that will hold on to someone overly tight, something too seriously. Maybe this new year, new chapter, God will lead me to see things differently when I learn to slowly loosen what I am holding on for ages.

This is it, new start, new year, new title, new path…

** Let go, let God**

The dark sky

Sitting in the airport, watching the dark sky. Only have the thought that my feelings is the same with the weather. I guess this feeling that will appear every time I'm in the airport, heavy dark weather that about to rain. Going back to a place which i called it lonely land. Though not literally.... Never expect that this time leaving them is this heavy for me. All of the sudden, i wish i could stay. I guess that's my only wish right now.

**Heavy feeling**

Happy New Year!

Although a bit late but still... Happy New Year...

Yeah... Another new year.

~ Happy and Blessed new year~

Merry Christmas

Wish everyone have a beautiful and meaningful Christmas!

I've been a blogger for 3 years

As I was trying to search back the previous post that I posted about the new phone which is the phone I am using now but it was new last time. I was trying to count how many years has this phone accompany me and I kept searching for that post and yet I didn't get it. In the midst of searching, I realize that I've been a blogger since January 2006 and from there onward, I started to write what I've been through every season of my life. The main purpose for me to start a blog is actually to drop down what I've been through and for myself to see how God has lead me through from a chapter of life to another chapter.

The previous name for my blog is Jannie's Space. Later on, I changed it to A Preparation Journey. In Jannie's Space, I still remembered that my blog is brown in color. But I didn't use this title for long. After a heart broken incident, I started to think for a change. Well, when you no longer want to remember your past, you will try to change a lot of things. I still remembered that I changed my hairstyle, my blogspot title, most of my clothing, my watch, and my lifestyle. I thought about delete the whole blog and create a new one but no matter how I would like to forget my past, I know that I will not able to make it because my past will always remain my history because it is in me, it is with me and it is what I've been through. So, some people asked me, why do you still keep your blog after you have a broken heart? I will only smile and answered, because this leads me to become who I am today.

Later on, I change my title to a preparation journey because I believe that the journey that I am walking now is a preparation journey. That's why I put the description as a journey that will mould me to prepare to be a faithful follower, a humble servant, a passionate lover, a supportive wife, a godly mother and a better person. With this title, I change from brown to blue and from blue color to now orange. Next year, I was thinking to change the color again. With changing colors, it shows that it's another new year, another new chapter of life again.

Previously, many people will drop by my blog to read. I guess when there is something interesting happen in your life, people will want to know more. Later on, people that drop by my blog is lesser.

My best friend said that, "I bet you won't write long" but low and behold, I became a blogger for 3 years and will continue in the coming 2009. I see people blog, I thought they will be a faithful blogger too, well… I guess you can't judge a book by its cover after all.

p/s: With browsing through the past post will always motivate myself to take more photo and make my blog interesting again. Can do it or not, it's another story.

** Blogger for 3 years**

My phone broke

Sad incidents happen because my phone has turn to white screen only. Although it can still operate like normal but all I can see is only white color. So sad… coz that phone is an answered prayer from God and a gift from my best friend. Feel sad because after I have spend so many years with it, I have to let go because it's time has come.

** Sad… **

Girls night out

In this holiday season, everywhere is decorated but seems like Kota Kinabalu decoration is not as pretty as what we expected. Anyway, last night, i have dinner with ex-classmate and we have fun. Well, what else girls will do when we talk about fun?We go almost every where to search for nice Christmas decoration and take photo. Though not many nice picture but we still enjoy the time of being together. Although we can't celebrate Christmas together but dinner together is also about spending time with someone that you love.So here we have, Sutera Harbour Resort Christmas tree....

And the girls..

The girls again...

This picture... Oh ya, i put it in coz both of them look nice and it is a nice picture. It is always a beautiful moment when you can hang out with old friends, laugh at the past when this and that used to happen and who and who got nick name... In a beautiful cold and christmas feel restaurant while some chistmas song is in the air and we laugh and talk, it really make our heart felt warm. But one of us will further her study soon. Maybe the moment like this will not be that often anymore.

**Girls night out**

It really make me think…

After 3 weeks of busy life, I guess life started to slow down. Not so slow but slower than the previous weeks. There are still stuff need to rush, things need to follow up and done before New Year comes. Can't believe that in less than one month, I have to settle most of the things. Did I just say that life is not as busy as previously? I guess I'm wrong. Life is still busy coz I forgot that New Year is coming. Sometimes, I just wish that time can stop for awhile. I am rushing for time which everyone is doing so and most people also think that it is ridiculous.

It’s been a while now when both of us are busy for our own work and also ministry. Both of us have a team of people that we have to take care, work that are never ends and different time of working. Most of the time, I have to rest early due to the culture and the early schedule of the next morning, whereby he has a different schedule of life. He can sleep till late morning, but have to work till midnight. Well, basically I also have to work till midnight but only on special occasion and event. With this, in turn out that I am the one that always wait, always staring at the phone wondering when will it rang again and always I am the one that accidentally felt asleep and the hot topics of how was your day had just pass by without really put it into a conversation. When the new day came, new topic we would like each other to know and the previous one, seems have left so far. And when certain things happen, then only each of us realized that; oh ya, I didn't tell you this. When the 'oh ya… I didn't tell you' this statement come out, seems like it's been ages we didn't spend time to talk.

Sometimes, it will feel a bit weird. Weird that why I don't know? But always the same reason will be given that is, ooo… I forgot to tell you. And when the statement 'forgot to tell' come out, it really shows that we spend lesser time now. Sometimes, it will really end up a thought of what do you expect? Both of us are really busy. Not those fake busy but we all have our own responsibilities, our own burden, our own lifestyle and sad to say, our own gang of friends.

A day pass…. And another day pass… it's been like this for three weeks. Long distances sucks? Or communication breakdown? What else is new?

**It really make me think**

The previous weeks - Part 2

Talk about Ellel training, it is a good training. To put aside all the busy stuff, I personally learn a lot from there. The most impact topic that I learn is about healing the human spirit. Well, we have some topics such as bitterroot judgment and bitterroot expectation, ---

In this training, it again reminds me that everything is spiritual. Sometimes we thought that things are not there but things are there even though you believe it with all your heart that it is not there. Sometimes, things are not only about your mind. Rev Titus, one of the speaker repeated many times about ---- the devils is like a hungry lion that come

It really stirs up my spirit to pray more and find more time to be with Him. It sound scary and it is scary when we treat things lightly. On the first or two sessions, I do doubt about it but after the whole training I guess what they said are right. Sometimes, it's not only about the mind.

As for children worship conference, wow… this is really excited. We have about 300 ++ kids and in my workshop, I have about 60-70 kids. In the morning, we all are like so excited and full of energy to jump, play and entertain the kids. But in the late morning, most of the staff started to feel tired. It really put me into a consideration that I should get a child soon so that I can have the energy to play with my own son and daughter. They are so cute… Watching and hearing them praising the Lord really make our heart melt. I think it melt God's heart the most. Some are so small, some are so naughty, some are so shy coz when I said hi to them; they are just too shy to say hi back to me and some cannot stop running. Wow, indeed it is a tired conference but watching them learns how to dance and do action for God is just sweet and speechless. I guess I am blessed by them too.

** Enjoy**

The previous weeks - Part 1

It was a super busy weeks. Follow up with my previous post about Ellel training and the continuous Children worship conference the week after the training. In these two weeks, life is all about run faster than time. Before Ellel training, we rush for the preparation of it. Photocopy all the books/notes, binding them, name tag for all the candidate and settle up the accommodation things for them. I have to rush for clergy meeting and attend the meeting as well. Before that also have to rush for the ordination service and have to make sure things is ok. In Ellel training week, during break time, I will be rushing back to the office to work on certain things then back to training. Then do the same thing during lunch time. The whole training took the whole day and sometimes, I drop by the office at night just to settle some other things.

About this week, it is also about the same. Break time I went back to office for awhile except lunch time because not enough time for me to run to and back because the kids eat very fast and the lunch period is only half an hour. Well, most of my night I am working coz there are lots to do when you are not working in the morning and afternoon.

Life for these two weeks is all about running here and there holding my laptop. Work, eat, training, conference and sleep. I didn't even get to talk to him more on the phone coz I am really exhausted. My heart would like to do more but my body seems to refuse just because I am exhausted.

** Busy weeks**

Workaholic?

It's another night that I am working in the office. These few days I am rushing for lots of work… Coming clergy meeting, Ordination service, Ellel Training and Children Worship Conference. It’s tiring but I kinda enjoy. Enjoy the busy life and enjoy the time that is pack with stuff with a long 'need to do' list. Have I turn to be a workaholic? Hmmm… Interesting…

**Turn to be workaholic? **

Children worship conference

We will be having a children worship conference soon and I am one of the trainers. I thought that this could be easy. Just help out this and that while the teacher in front trying to teach and I just stand behind trying to calm down those extra active kids and make sure that they did what the in front person says. Low and behold, I am the one that should be the person standing in front and teach and not supporting and helping behind. This is really scary. At first, I have no idea that I am the one standing in front to teach and I have no idea what to teach. The numbers of children coming in are higher and higher each day. Past few days, I received this email saying that 300++ people are joining and a few days later, the number increase from 300 to 400++. It’s getting scary and I got nervous trying to come out what to teach, what I want them to learn, what is dance and action doer and what is the purpose?

I guess when you are under pressure, you will sleep with it, eat with it, sit with it and everything you think is related to it. All over my mind was, what am I going to do? How to teach? When I ask the person in charge what to teach, she said, you are the expert. How come you asking me what to teach? Then I got think, ya… I mean, drum I don't know. Guitar I know half pale, piano is dreaming to learn but dance I guess I still can teach a bit with what I know.

Nowadays, other than thinking about the whole teaching kid's thing, I have to start to listen to kids songs, learn to communicate with them or maybe gain some of their interest in the things that I am going to teach them. Communicate with kids, wow… great challenge. Never ever thought that I will teach children in dancing but ya…

I think I am going to be crazy with them just to get their attention in what I am trying to plant in their life. Pray that this generation will have different point of view in dancing. With their gift, they will offer it back to God one day.
I guess I will learn a lot from them too after all. By teaching them, maybe they will teach me back how to worship God with who you really are. Faith like child…

** Freak me out**

Happy for them

Today I got a news whereby I think that I never want to know this news and I am afraid of what I will react to it when I know it. Today, an old friend of mine telling me the news that I never want to know. Well, not to said never want to know coz at the end of the days, I will still know but I rather not to know, like what I said, I don't know how will I feel and what will I react.

I go through the thought of how will I react when I get to know it. Maybe I'll get shock and not saying a word. Or maybe I will get very angry. Or maybe I will get back the same old hurt that kept haunting me when I thought I am ok with it.

Until today, I realize that I am ok. Ok with the news and not only ok but I am happy for them. It's kinda weird for me to realize that I am really that ok with it. I think and think, am I really ok? Then I relax myself to think again. I am ok and sincerely felt happy for him. I've lost count the days we separated after I focus on the moving on life. I guess when I count back, it's been 2 years plus. (I have to ask my best friend to double confirm the year… I guess I really forgot about it).

Some people will say that memories are the hardest thing you want to forget. Well, I will say, it's up to you to want to let it go and choose to forget or not. After all, it's your choice. It took me quite sometime to slowly let the memories fade away. I won't said that I forgot the pain but I am proud of myself that I almost forgot every important moment that we had and create new memories for my life now. I guess busy life do help. Other than trying hard to maintain the long distance relationship, I tried to settle down my emotions and lifestyle here. With those help, I almost forgot things what we used to have but to focus on what I am having now and trying to work things out.

2 years…. Wow… Now I realize that I really seldom think about him. Today's news leads me to think again about him. Not really about him that him but about me handling the past. I can say that I am fine, happy for them and I know what the best is for me now. I am happy with the decision that he made in the past although lots of pain and tears but those days lead me stronger and closer to God. Not only so, but I found the one I ever want, I ever prayed and I ever dreamed of. Till then, my journey with him ends without my realization.

** Happy for them **

Today better than yesterday

It is always a joy when you able to travel and able to be with someone that you love dearly. After a long countdown and lots of waiting, I able to have a few days off my body from Sabah and to be with him. It was a great joy and I laugh a lot. I have so much fun to be there. I adapted to the place and streets fast, I smile for every small little thing, I can find whatever types of fresh fruits there, I really like to be with him. Even though I didn’t manage to stick to my own plan and get sick the third day I reached, but I still laugh more than I used to.

After came back from a short holiday, I feel weird. Not only weird but terrible. I miss him like crazy. It's like I left half of my soul there. I can only pray that today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. I wish time can pass faster when I am alone and slower when we are together.

** Tomorrow better than today **

It's been a while now

It's been a while now that I stop writing my thought. It been a while now that I started to think about serious diet due to the fear of my friends and family cannot recognize me and it's been a while now that I started to stay alone to think about stuff and reasons.

Life has been a stable routine now. It’s calm and peaceful. I kinda enjoy the moment like this. But I know it will end soon with the pack schedule of Christmas season is coming and lots of training and meetings preparation. I guess, to stop myself for awhile it's not a bad idea after all.

4 more days… Personally, I am very excited and happy about this 4 more days. It's been 5 months now that I am in long distance relationship. I won't say that we scored excellent marks in the previous months but I can say that we did put lots of effort to make things work. It's never easy for both of us. I guess it will be tougher with the pack schedule and the heavy responsibilities that both of us are taking. Hope is always in front of us. God is always in control.

So, ya… it's been a while now that I didn't see him and I am very excited to meet him in another 4 more days.

** It's been a while now**

Today's lesson

He who cannot forgive others burns the bridge over which he himself must pass

**Interesting... **

The holidays

On the first day of Raya, I went to Pulau Manukan and Pulau Mamutik. I have fun to enjoy God's creation and a relaxing time to stay away from work and my room.
On the second day of Raya, i went to Tanjung Aru with the English zone staff to enjoy the time of being together. Thank God for a beautiful weather and also the relaxing time. Other than a relaxing time, I got sun burn. Until today, I still suffer from that sun burn.
So, this is it… two days of holiday in the beach.

** The Holidays **

Silent cry

Everyone have their own struggle, their own difficulties. The same goes to me.
I sometimes walk through a journey whereby I found myself screaming for a friend, screaming for an attention.

It is always easy to point at so and so saying that oh… he/she just need some attention. Then we will label him/her as someone that lack of love. In the actual fact, everyone is screaming for attention and everyone is craving for someone to love them, someone to understand them. Who are we to say so and so lack of love when we ourselves are also begging someone to take a look at us?

Sometimes when someone need a friend, as simple as a friend and yet we point at them saying that should blame back yourself for not spending enough time with us or should blame yourself because you didn't take the effort to make things work.

Where is the compassion heart that God placed it in? Where is the love from God? Where is my heart? Where is my love?

** Silently I cried out for love and attention**

The power of music

Last time I used to listen to certain songs and repeated it because I loved the song and I just loved to repeat it. So, every time certain songs are played, it will bring me back to the moment and also the thought. If I used to listen to this song and think about so and so… after a few years later, when I heard back the song, amazingly I can still remember this so and so and I will remember vividly why I used to think about this so and so and it bring me back to the moment. I guess I should call this the power of music.

As some of the old songs are played, my mind wondering around and my feeling go back the moment of my past. Hmm… should I say enjoying the moment? I guess every moment is precious. Even though that might not be a long lasting moment but still it is precious that time.

** The power of music **

Good news...

Yesterday I heard a great news. Well, there is a saying that no news is good news because when you have good of it, for sure you will also have the bad side of it too but then I will still prefer to look at it as a good news. I become someone's auntie already… Well, not blood related but still….Hahaha… Happy right… i just felt like screaming it out when I heard that because it's really a great thing. We used to talk about, when you will have a baby and what will you do when the baby comes and all these will because so real.

Aw…. i do wish to be with her in the process of nine month as a friend but then distance limited us. I still remember vividly the day they got married and the day she tried on the wedding gown. She even warned me not to cry coz she thought that I am over excited. Well, I nearly did but then I didn't cry on their wedding day. Hahaha… a bit over emotions some will say but I am truly glad and joyful for them.

This news really brightens my day. Have no idea why but I am happy for them. To see someone that you care happy sometimes will bring joy to you too… coz their laughter sometimes is what you need to make yourself happy again.

** Happy for them **

I love rainy day

This morning before I walked out my house, I heard the rain drops. It's another rainy day….

I love rainy day. It makes me feel comfortable. Other than felt like sleeping, it also make me feel cold and good. Imagine with some romantic music on, a cup of coffee or hot chocolate on the table with an interesting book and with someone that you love dearly holding you close to his arm as he whispering some sweet words to your ear. How wonderful that moment will be.

Wow, I can just stay in his arm forever, stay in that room forever, stay in this kind of weather forever….

Can't believe that after I finish writing this, the rain stops… Argghhh…. I guess it's good to dream a bit and to miss him a bit…

** Rainy day **

I have fun

Wow…

Tonight was a happy night for me. I just had a almost 3 hours chat with a long lost old friend that we used to be so closed when we were small and somehow, things change with the busy schedule and with the meeting up with new friend. We have so much fun in catching up with each other and we forgot that we actually study the same secondary school which both of us also forgotten and can't seems to find each other in or memory. But it was a joy to able to keep in touch with her again and meeting backs some old friends. Can't believe myself will join facebook but I did and I have fun in searching back all the old friends. The whole night we were like… oh no… she changes a lot… and he look so much handsome now those kinda talk. We really have fun. We even doubt one of our old classmate did a plastic surgery. Hahhaha…

Meeting back old friends are fun. I guessed joining facebook is not that bad after all. Other then trying to keep yourself up-to-date and can blend into any conversation, you can catch up and find back old friends. Not bad… not bad…

** Have fun**

It only left me breathless

In a beautiful occasion, amazing dress is put on, make up are on, hairs are all set up and jewelry are all around.

In the office, professional image is being presented out, laziness is the last thing you want your colleague and boss to notice it.

In a fellowship gathering, happy face is needed because no one wants to share your stress and problem when a happy gathering is on.

In a church service, a gentle and polite attitude is required to present on the table to reduce unnecessary gossips and pointless complaint.

In the ministry that you attend, friendly and open spirits are the expectations. Members of the church ministry will always want to see a joyful you, a beautiful soul that walks with God.

At the end of the days, who will love your weaknesses? Who will bear with the pain that you have? Who is willing to walk with you?

When certain expectation is required are not fulfilled, people coming in and out to say and comment what is needed to improve and what is need to put more effort. When effort is given, people will still point out mistakes saying that need extra effort and comforted with a continue statement behind God is with you, walk with faith.

It left me breathless… Why commented is given when you are not even in my life? Why expectations are requested when you are not there to walk with me? Where are you when I need a friend?

** It only left me breathless **

Differences Point of View

As I read through a book titled, winning with people by John Maxwell, I read through something like this;

It's said that a friend is someone…
Who knows you don't know what you're talking about but will let you reach that conclusion independently.

Today I have a conversation with a friend of mine. We have a different point of view on the above statement. I would says that it is always right to not hold on to someone so tight that he/she cannot breath even though it show that we care for him/her a lot. But her point of view is slightly different from mine. I won't say that we carry a wrong motive but I would say that we have a different character.

She stand strongly on we should do our part to take care and to remind certain people about certain issue whereby I think that it's no point holding it so tight where he/she cannot take it and we are just forcing him/her to change or reach the level of maturity that he/she has yet to reached. Her perspective is correct as for our discussion is no right and wrong but exchange information of how we see things.

As we are serving in this atmosphere whereby culture and generation are differences, it really burden people to serve. After all, we are all here for one purpose is to serve Him. Why certain people have to be over controlling whereby we all believe that God will also play his part to take care of us? Why do God gives free will choice and yet man force to become no choice? Am I over reacting or they are over reacting?

I know that this is a good place for a character mold as well as shaping our life to be more like Him. But why push too hard when God is in control? Why not give some space that we all learn to draw strength and faith from Him? After all, we all have given a choice to choose. I would say it's good that you care and remind but after all, the choice is still in my hand. It's not so much about disobedient issue but about the choice each individual will make when it comes to different things.

Difference perspective, differences method but one heart for God's Kingdom. There is no such thing as one ruler to measure everything.

**A different perspective to reach an ultimate goal**

Is falling in love only are more than enough?

This question comes across my mind today. Will that be enough for each couple to sustain the tolerance level, the spark to keep things alive, the problem that occur that they faced and the comments that people will gives? Is being in love would be enough when two person from different school come out with different kind of thought?

Today I heard about problem that we all will face when we can't check the "single" box anymore. Problem with the parents in law, problem with staying together, problem with tolerance and problems with sharing and giving. Although these are not new problem and we all know about this. But who really felt the pain when we are not in the list of those problems. We all know that these are the things that we will face but how many are ready to face and prepared to face before the wedding bells?

I wonder my heart knows about this when my mind already accepts the fact? … I guess only time will be the greatest helper as I grow every single day.

In love… enough?

Fruitful week

Today,4th September 2008 will be a fruitful day, not only a fruitful day but an excited day. I woke up with an excited heart knowing that I have a whole day off that I can at last spend some time to be alone, drop down some of my thought and some time to rest and relax.

It's been a busy week for last few days. I've been working for 16 hours non-stop in the office. And this is my first time ever since I came out to work. I have never worked that hard and long hour before. Wow…. Now I really know how it feels when you become workaholic and all your time is only work and sleep. Eat also not much time, can you imagine that? I even watched the fire works while I'm on my way walking home when they are celebrating the countdown of Merdeka. Anyway, it's a really busy and good past few days. Although quite numbers of minor mistake I did but it give space for me to improve and I offer to God a thanksgiving heart that overall its ok. This is my first Synod and I know what is Synod meeting means now. Hehehe…

Please enjoy the picture for the opening service of Synod that held on 31st August 2008, 6pm. From the whole process of getting ready for the meeting, in the meeting itself and out of the meeting I really thank God for what I have learned, what I have experience and what i am going to improve. I see myself clearer. How do I react when I am really stress, what will my respond be when I have to rush and work faster than time and yet I am bound by time, what will my attitude be when people complain more than appreciating the hard work and who is the supportive friend and who will remember me. I learned more than I expect and I gain experience. This is the way we all learn and from this whole process and the result. I really thank God that he gave me the opportunity to see myself clearer than before and how to improve myself to fulfilled a greater purpose of His. I know success doesn't come overnight but through failure and endurance

Sometimes things doesn't go the way we all planned, do we still give thanks and work without complain? A good questions to meditate on.

** Fruitful week*

The journey of two best friends

God’s will bought them together in meeting with each other
They meet when they are in the age of 10
Starting to be best friends in the age of 12
Never realize that both of them travel part of the life journey together
Holding on to each other strongly
Comfort and cry for each other when one of them needs comfort or tears
The path no longer as easy as they thought
Wanting to give up of the journey will come to a choice
A choice to let go and let God
Or a choice of holding on no matter what
Distance again be their enemy
As they grow
Material seems to be interesting
Getting to know new friends that caused them no more time for each other
Continue with they own dreams and vision
That brings them to a journey that they are forced to said goodbye
But both of them knows that this is a never forever goodbye
The word goodbye was spoken
With tears running down each other cheek
Knowing that things no longer the same
Things will never be the same
Hoping and praying that God will continue to guide them
As both of them go after their own dreams
One year later
They are no longer the best friend that they used to be
With something to hold back
That caused their trust been shaken
Their faith no longer the same
Surrounding people give comments
Good and bad, both of them took it
The journey for both of them
No longer travel together
But they walk apart with a broken heart
Distance has caused both of them to be apart again
That now it will be unknown duration of time
Praying and hoping that things between them will be better
When both of them are not in the same area
3 months later
Both of them meet up
Holding hands before God
Just like 10 years ago in the age of 14
They again hug and cry aloud to God
Knowing that they again have each other
By each other side
To comfort and to cry when a smile or tears are needed
With that hug and cry
They know gap between them
Are no longer exist
Love among them is now greater than before
With the assurance that what they have is a gift from God
That they will never want to let go
Never want to give up
But with a grateful heart to give thanks
For what they have
For what God gave
And for the trials that both of them goes through
With God’s grace
They become the best of the best friends
They continue the journey of life together
With comfort, courage and love
To face what is in the front of them
And to hold on to God
With an assurance that they are a present from God

**The journey of two best friends**

Love never fail!

The clock ticks every minute
My heart beat faster every second
My hand gets sweat
With an excited feeling of waiting
Able to meet him again
Can't believe the hour is here
When I can finally meet him
A day where tears that shed
Are worth and valuable
Knowing that I can have
That moment of "together" with him again
Believing that the promise
We used to have are still true
Still real, still accountable
With God in the between of us
We believe there will be a rainbow
In front of us
That keeps us hoping, perseverance
And keeping it alive

**LOVE ALWAYS HOPE, PRESERVERS, TRUST AND NEVER FAIL!**

A thought…

Since young until now, i have quite a number of rich friends around me. They spent money without much consideration. They don’t need to think will it be enough if i spend this money for this thing and what about the next thing i want to buy? They don’t have to worry about not enough, not fully utilize it and will it be a waste if you bought it and not use it.

Some people were born rich while other born in a not so rich family. I am one of them that born in a not so rich family. I don’t have RM50 per week, i don’t get to buy what i want, what i wish and i don’t get to buy things without looking at the price and no need to think about it overnight. Since young, mom told us that money are hard to earn, every penny have to use it wisely. Since a kid, i don’t have fancy Barbie doll but i have enough food, enough cloth and enough necessities for living. Do i consider myself blessed? Of course i consider myself blessed but men are never satisfied.

Sometimes i looked back my past i ask God, why everything that i want, i have to earn it myself? Why everything that i wish for have to beg You so long before i get it? Why i don’t get to ask for more when i don’t have enough from my parents or boyfriend? Why people have less commitment? Why people ask for a car and will get a car? As for me, i ask for a pc only.... i have to wait several years to earn for it.

Most of the times, after got envy with friends around me, i calm myself to think. Why complain when i have enough? Why want more when you don’t need it? I kept myself silent and being reminded in the book of James 1 and reminded that blessed are the poor for they shall see God. Poor people goes through much struggle, trials and difficulties that help them to rely on God more, draw strength from Him and find peace in His presence. Not to offend rich people but the word of God says, indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

Lord, give me what is enough that i will not steal or rob to sin against you. But not too much that i might forget your grace and mercy. Amen

p/s: For those can ask and get it without much earning, count your blessing because not everyone have that blessing.

**Thought**

3rd month

It's the third month now… Can't believe that it's been three months. And in less than a week, he will be here. So excited…

Nothing much recently, except busy with the preparation of the coming Synod meeting that will held on 31st August. I can only pray to God that mistake made lesser, wisdom added by Him more day by day.

Excited because less than one week. May the week they are here, time will pass slower and we can have quality time together.

**3 months**